i am depressed, and pissed.

Posted bycasey coombsPosted indepression

Let’s just get this out of the way.

Yesterday I was lying in bed as I thought how much easier it would be if I just took all the pills in my medicine cabinet and ceased to exist.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had those thoughts.

So long in fact I thought it was a joke. Surely I can’t be back here? I’ve been good for over five years. Sure, I had a slip up here and there, but I’m good! See! Functioning! SO GOOD.

Cody sat by my last week and said “You haven’t been well since November.”

When I asked those closest to me what they thought, they agreed. And not just one person, but many.

This caused me to give up me resolve to keep faking it.

I fell apart yesterday.

Big heaving ugly cries into the bedspread and an emergency trip to my doctor.

Today I have an emotional hangover and one of the worst cry headaches I’ve had in over three years.

Once I stopped listening for the other shoe to drop I began to believe there wasn’t another shoe, that I would be okay as long as I kept taking my little white pill every night before bed.

While there are a lot of people who continue to advocate and talk about depression and mental health even when they are well, I was so tired of suffering and fearing the betrayal my brain was capable of I fell into denial. “Depression? Sure, it’s something I’ve dealt with but I’m not dealing with it now! Let’s talk about cake and shoes!” I desperately wanted to believe I had found a cure. A fix. The end. Let’s talk about happy stuff, okay?

Here’s the truth I posted on Instagram this morning when I couldn’t sleep because depression is a bitch that wakes you up at 3 am and says “Sleep? Pfft. You should think about how worthless you are instead.”

I find myself wishing I had some sort of disease or disorder that would show up on an x-ray or in a blood test. Something that could be casted, cauterized or cut out of me. Some outward sign that although I look whole, I’m dying inside. My depression is the worst it’s been in years and it has been a slow and painful build to this moment where everything hurts and nothing is making it better.

Here’s the thing.

I’m ticked.

I hate that this is my trial. I hate that I’m dealing with it again despite doing everything I’m supposed to be doing. I hate that there is still a stigma around depression that it isn’t real. I hate that my brain betrayed me and tried to convince me I’d be better off dead. I hate that I listened to it. I’m pissed off.

Unlike my battles with depression  before, I refuse to let it win this time. I honestly don’t remember what happy feels like at this moment, but I know it’s out there, I know it’s worth pursuing. Maybe my anger will make it worse this time, or maybe my refusal to give in will work in my favor. “Oh, you think you want to kill yourself? LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT’S DONE, SON.”

I don’t know.

I want to hit things. I want to smash things. I want to punch the people who have hurt me and hug the people who are just starting out on this painful journey.

I am not me right now, but enough of who I really am learned how to fight for herself over the last five years and is doing everything she can to come back.

There are things I hate right now, I don’t hate much — but the hate is actually helping me fight harder. The things I hate won’t win this time.

I’m done pretending. I’m done faking it.

I am wrecked and there’s only one way out of wrecked – up.

Camping with Frogs

Kissing frogs really have nothing to do with any of this, but they’re adorable so they get to bookend this entry.

60 thoughts on “i am depressed, and pissed.”

  2. Brave, lovely, strong Casey… I am pulling for you… with you. Healthy is worth the fight. Sending you so much love and holding you in my thoughts.

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  4. Thinking of you. Sending hugs and praying that everyday is a little easier. Kissing frogs are almost as cute as one eyed, thumbed kitties…almost 😉

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  5. I appreciate your honesty. Awareness is the first step to getting well. I’m not sure if you have tried yoga, but it has helped me so much.

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  6. hi there, casey. i think i’ve commented on this blog precious little over the years, and i don’t think you know who i am – but that is ok because that is how the internet works sometimes. and i want to tell you that i have watched you do some AMAZING SHIT over the years, i have watched you raise two little girls that are smart and beautiful and obviously loved, i have watched you live a real relationship with ups and downs and so much love, and i have watched you beat this time and time again. i know, because i am in my own hole right now too, that it seems like maybe you will not but i KNOW that you will. i believe in you so, so much.

    ❤

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  7. There are no words that can express the depth of emotions this post stirred in me. I live in a family filled with people that live with this dreadful disease and I have thought the same words in your instagram post so many times. Glad that you are still fighting the fight.

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  8. Hugs. I am pulling for you and sending thoughts of peace and light your way. I am sending thoughts of strength and patience to Cody and the girls. You’ll get through this.
    One. Step. At. A. Time.

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  9. Your honesty with your struggles helps me so much. I struggle w depression and an anxiety daily. I’m pulling for you, Casey. Please know that you are loved by this reader.

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  10. Pissed is good. Pissed keeps you fighting. It keeps you invested. It keeps you stubborn and determined to beat depression’s ass into submission.

    Stay pissed, keep fighting, remember that depression lies, know that you’re not alone, and that you have legions behind you.

    xoxo

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  13. Thoughts and love to you! I too struggle with this shitty disease and your words could have been taken right out of my mouth! Make it through a moment, an hour, a day- one small step at a time. Keep your support system and doctors on a short leash with you- ask them for constant feedback. Most importantly – love yourself!

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  15. Pissed has to be a good thing, right? I think it’s a sign that you aren’t giving up, and you’re ready to fight. There are many pulling for you and praying for you and cheering for you! You can get through this!

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  17. Casey, you are the strongest person I know. You have fought this disease harder than anyone and spoken out about it when no one else would. You have SO. GOT. THIS. Thoughts, love and hugs coming your way. I’ve been there and my little white pill and my little green pill are helping….for now. But winter is coming and it could all come crashing down. I am already dreading it. I hear Mexican food, ice cream and gossip (the healthy kind) are excellent mood boosters. Just sayin’ 🙂

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  18. I was slipping recently and the thing that almost made me lose it was that I had absolutely no reason in the world to be even a little down, everything was going so smoothly, so beautifully, and so perfect all around me, but I felt so so low. And that was the saddest thing ever. I am so glad you’re writing this out. I’m so glad I can hear the strength in your brave words. Love & light to you,

    Steph

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  21. The world is a better place because you’re in it.

    Thinking of you and your family, and wishing you well.

    Love from the Midwest (a little to the left).

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  24. You are a warrior mom. And there is an army of women standing behind you, ready to hold you up when it all feels like too much. You are not alone, Casey. Never alone.

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  26. I hate that you’re struggling again, but I’m so glad you’re pissed. Anger pushes me forward more than any other emotion. Keep that red-headed fightin spirit about you and you’ll kick depression’s ass once more. Oh how I wish we lived closer. I’d be at your door with ice cream, tissues, and my massage table in hand. Love you, sweets

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  27. I wish I could say something profound that would help. But the truth is that I don’t have those words. I’m in my own constant battle with depression. I’m bitter towards that people that hurt me and refused to help. And I’m completely jealous of the people that don’t have this trial.

    The last time that I realized it was coming back, I screamed, “Are you kidding me?!”
    Again?!

    I’m sending the things that have helped me: hugs and prayers.

    I’ve been a big fan for awhile. And I’ll still be here 🙂

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  28. You know the guy that has the stool and the band aids and the water bottle and the kick ass words for a boxer in between rounds of a fight?! I’m that guy. You’re that boxer. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, baby. I’m so proud of you for fighting. You may not see it, but I do — you’re going to make it. Xoxo

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  29. Hello old friend. It has been a long time. I am saddened by your trial, and I know this post is about you, but I would also like to say to your patient husband: I know what your going through. My wife has been depressed for most of her life, and she did a really great job at pretending too. But after baby #2 it was just that much harder, then add #3 and there were days I wasn’t sure I should go to work. But my wife, at times begrudgingly, made it through another day. She has found a solution which gives us both great hope.
    Now I’m sure your now saying to yourself: if he gives me a “try …, it really helped her out” line, your going to unfriend me on Facebook, delete me from LinkedIn, and block all future comments. Well, I’ll take my chances. My wife started by checking her thyroid, which helped, but kicker was when her Dr. recommended she increase her testosterone. But isn’t that the guy hormone? Yup. And over the past almost month I have seen drastic improvements. More patience, more energy, more love, more smiles.
    Now please don’t get angry at me for simply sharing someone else’s story of triumph. I know depression is a real, and frightening part of life. I want to see, and read about the beautiful family you have. To your husband: thank you for being a great husband. Thank you for being a great father. I know there are hard days, but I also know there are good days. Know that you aren’t alone, and that you do have the strength to carry your family on the days your wonderful wife needs that little bit of extra support.
    Thank you for your honesty, and strength. You will win.

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  30. Certainly, depression is a functioning disorder that even today few are willing to openly talk about. However, you find that everyone, on some level, has experienced depression at some point in their lives. Then there are some of us that have a lingering” shadow of a friend” called depression that always seems to be present. Sometimes it is a dark and angry presence and other times it is barely noticable at all. Some people just don’t understand it. They tell you to “just get over your problems.”
    However, it is kind of like trying to explain a hot flash to a nine year old. They just don’t always get it.
    That battle with depression is a war that is never over. ( at least that is what I have found in my now 20 yr journey ). It is an eb and flow. There will be great battles and then there will be cease fires. You just have to remember you are the General. You are ultimately in control.

    Stay strong. Fight like a girl. ????

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  31. Certainly, depression is a functioning disorder that even today few are willing to openly talk about. However, you find that everyone, on some level, has experienced depression at some point in their lives. Then there are some of us that have a lingering” shadow of a friend” called depression that always seems to be present. Sometimes it is a dark and angry presence and other times it is barely noticable at all. Some people just don’t understand it. They tell you to “just get over your problems.”
    However, it is kind of like trying to explain a hot flash to a nine year old. They just don’t always get it.
    That battle with depression is a war that is never over. ( at least that is what I have found in my now 20 yr journey ). It is an eb and flow. There will be great battles and then there will be cease fires. You just have to remember you are the General. You are ultimately in control.

    Stay strong. Fight like a girl. ????

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    Reply

  32. I just wanted to give a shout out to you – for being you, and talking about the difficult subjects in life. I wont claim to understand what you are going through, but I feel the pain that comes through your words and while I don’t have the words I wish I did for you, I couldn’t let your post go unacknowledged. Thinking about you, and wishing for better days.

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  33. Let’s buy some cheap dishes at Goodwill and smash them. But I will need earplugs because loud noises are not nice. Also kitten videos on YouTube and even though food doesn’t taste good right now we should probably indulge is something extravagant so we can remember it later and smile. *hugs*

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  34. My heart breaks for you. For a complete stranger, I have an awful lot of love and support for you. I think angry is ok.
    Break things (like sticks or old pottery or tear paper)
    Punch things (like punching bags or pillows)
    and hug things (like girl babies and husbands and one-eyed cats with thumbs)

    If you need positive words, reach out, we’re here. Remember the video you made for yourself. You are worth it.

    Sending you love and health and strength and anger…

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  35. I hate this for you. I wish I could take it away for you. But I can’t. All I can offer is naps on my sweet rack and kitten snuggles and more Diet Coke than you can shake a stick at.

    I love you stupid amounts.

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  36. I hate that you have to keep fighting this battle, but I have no doubt you will win. Keep fighting Casey. You are virtually surrounded by hundreds of people who love you and are cheering you on, but if you need a physical hug, you have my number. Don’t be hesitant or afraid to reach out and ask for help. You’re not in this alone.

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  37. I am happy you are pissed. Pissed means you are fighting, and fighting is good. You got this girl, one foot in front of the other. Never, EVER give up.

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  38. Me too. Depressed and pissed. Right now. For at least a month. So very effing pissed. I mean it’s SUMMER AND SUNNY and there has been a vacation and ICE CREAM and all matter of goodness. But yeah. It just is and it sucks. Hugs to you Casey. I hope it passes quickly.

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  40. Stay strong, you will get through this! And watch lots of baby animal videos, those always manage to make me smile 🙂

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  41. I hate that you’re hurting. I hate when anyone is hurting. I want to fix it. I want to offer “try this..try that..” but I know that’s not how depression works. You taught me that.

    I haven’t felt the pain you’re feeling right now. If you think of a way that we can send some sunshine your way, let us know. We’re here.

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  42. First of all, thank you for sharing your struggles. I really can’t even imagine how many people you are helping by sharing your story.

    I’m pulling for you. Can’t wait until you can tell this thing to kiss your @ss from the other side. xx

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  43. I wish I had something to say other than I’m thinking about you and hoping for the best for you. I wish I could soothe you by saying that I understand how wonderful the idea of a tangible cause for the pain can be. I wish I could tell you that I’ve been there and I know what you’re going through. I wish I could tell you that it will all be okay.

    But I can’t. I can’t relate, no matter how badly I’d like to. I can’t tell you everything will be okay, because I don’t know.

    What I can tell you is that you were a shining light during my darkest days. I can tell you that even though I didn’t let you, your kind words and offers of coming to us at a moment’s notice were the things I appreciated most of all the help I was offered or given. I don’t expect this to make everything good, or even sort of better. I just know that you are often on my mind, and this war you’re fighting is one I would do anything to help you win.

    I think about you all the time, and I hope for the best for you. I am here for you in any way you need me.

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  44. There is no part of this I don’t relate to. I’m sorry. It sucks. I particularly despise the insipid nature of depression, so that we don’t see it until it’s swallowed us whole. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is hold onto the hope in that little pill and keep taking it every day because it has a promise that you can’t yet see, can’t yet feel, but you believe in. Here’s hoping relief comes soon.

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  45. I’m sad you’re in such a dark place now. I’ve had my own version of dark days, and having read your story for a while now, please know that seeing you keep pushing through them was one of the things that gave me strength to push through my own. Keep fighting! We need you!

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  46. Undeniably believe that which you said. Your favorite reason appeared to be on the net the simplest thing to be aware of.
    I say to you, I certainly get annoyed while people think about worries that they plainly don’t know about.

    You managed to hit the nail upon the top as
    well as defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people can take
    a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

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  47. I’m so sorry you are in a down spiral right now Casey. I have been there and I just want to say… Tomorrow you are closer to the other side. You may not feel better tomorrow but you will be closer to feeling better. Hang on. Just get through each moment as it passes. Don’t focus on the past or the future. Just breathe through this moment and survive. Things will get better. You will be even stronger. Your life will be filled with even more beauty. There is a complexity in depression that allows for great compassion. Give some of that to yourself. I know it’s hard darling. Just breathe. Remember the little things. The way the sun feels on your naked toes. The light in your daughter eyes when she smiles. The way ice cream feels as it melts on and coats your tongue. It’s the little appreciations that can get you through this. Minute details are everything. Hold on. Just hold on.

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  48. This spring I weaned myself off my anti-depressant. I know my depression comes and goes and I was feeling better. But I also know that its so hard to admit that the depression is winning at that moment. You’re right to be pissed, its not fair that you “were doing everything right” and it still crept back. But it’ll go away again, maybe not this week but some week you’ll wake up and realize you can laugh again because things make you happy. Dude, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there and get the help you need to pull you through, k?

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  49. I am so sorry you are struggling so much and right now. I want you to know that you are SO worth it and that you are loved SO much by those around you. My BIL recently took his own life and beyond the tragedy of him no longer existing, is so much more – a changed future for so many. I believe you are doing the best you can to get help so that you can see the light again. I really hope so…

    Thinking of you and sending prayers up.

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  50. I know how depression feels. Everyone has a different perspective but I value and love you. Please hang on. I know you have Cody and the girls and they are your moon and stars. There are also so many other people who care about you, believe in you and trust in you.

    Thank you casey, for being you

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