the bearable lightness of happy

Posted bycasey coombsPosted indepression

I am back.

And not just a “I am back on my own blog after spending five days in Nashville” kind of way.

No, *I* am back. The girl I like taking places and introducing to people. The girl that likes to hang out with her friends, make new ones and dance.

Oh how I love to dance.

I’ve cried no less than three (maybe four?) times because when I look in the mirror ever single part of me is happy. It is burning like an ember from inside my heart and can be felt to the tip of every hair on my head. The voices in my head love me, they tell me I am good enough, I am smart enough and that I do good things in this life. Ahead of me I see dreams that are attainable and possible because I never gave up.

The most horrible photo was taken of me last night. Let’s just say that when taking photos of people dancing, attempt to catch them in the air rather than coming down, gravity is a cruel mistress when a dancing soul arrives to the ground again.

I laughed so hard at it I stopped breathing, I went into that sort of breathless squeal that happens when you’re all out of breath but your body still begs to laugh. I laugh because it was a horrible photo, but also because in my head I looked like a fly girl out there dancing. Despite seeing a dozen photos that proved I am far more dowdy than diva, I don’t care, because last night I danced on a stage with a hundred girls who speak to my heart to a song that is a good memory in and of itself.

Everything inside of me is so happy and healthy that the outside is glowing in an indescribable way. It’s an amazing feeling, to realize you’re living a dream you never even knew you had.

I have more dreams…wild and crazy dreams that began as quiet tappings in my heart and I sit here with the insane knowledge that someday, maybe even someday soon, my dreams are going to become reality. I can see myself in the future connecting back with the feeling I have today of utter contentment and joy…it’s going to be an amazing moment.

I am back. And I’m better than I have ever been.

Unfortunately that means I had to be tossed, thrown, beaten, bruised and stomped on by life to become better…but I made it.

I have dreams to look forward to and for the first time I don’t live in fear of the darkness overtaking me.

Now is the time I turn around and look back at all of you being thrown, tossed and beaten by life.

I will stand here screaming, cheering and yelling at you to keep going.

I will scream until I’m hoarse and cheer for you until I collapse.

Today I picture God in heaven smiling at me – I can hear Him whispering to my heart that this is what He prepared me for.

*This* being a level of happiness, gratitude and contentment that could never be savored by an undamaged soul.

“A man must dream a long time in order to act with grandeur, and dreaming is nursed in darkness.” –Jean Genet

 

53 thoughts on “the bearable lightness of happy”

  3. Wow, I am wiping the tears away because I am happy for you…so very happy that you have finally gotten to the place you want and deserve to be at, also because I know that I am on the same path, a little farther behind you, but I know I’ll get there someday and those dreams and aspirations of mine are not entirely out of reach anymore and in fact, they are attainable.
    The light is slowly turning on.
    Also, Miss Casey, please show us the anti-gravity photo of your cute self! We want to laugh too…of course WITH you!
    Oh, and the God part. Ugh. Gushing with tears. I think I’ll read it again. He totally is saying, See Casey, you made it. And I can hear him telling me too! xo

    *end rambling*

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  5. *sigh* This just makes me joyful right down to my toes. All those times spent cheering you on when I was a little further out of my hole than you were out of yours… so worth it to see you where you are now. And knowing I’m right there with you is even better! I know that I still have this thing in my head that could send me spiralling again. It won’t ever go away. But having climbed so far out of it and gotten this high once, and knowing how I managed it, I don’t fear it anymore. It’s almost unbearably sweet to not live in fear, isn’t it?

    Love, my friend. LOVE.

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  6. This post made me cry. Cry in happiness for you, yes…. but honestly cry more with the absolute longing to feel that way and know that I’m so far from it that I can’t imagine ever making it there. I’m so very happy for you that you have.

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  7. well, welcome back!
    you know yourself so very well.
    it is truly inspirational.

    kudos to your thoughts and your ability to put them into words… especially on paper!

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  12. *standing ovation*
    It’s about time those voices in your head got it right:)
    I hope to be where you are one of these days. Actually, I hope that for all of us.

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  14. This post is so amazing.

    You seriously are one my favorite people I never met. You deserve buckets of this type or happiness every single day.

    Xoxo from GA!

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  15. So glad you are happy. You hadn’t posted in days and I was worried. Sounds weird considering we’ve never met, but, I look forward to your posts (even the ones that make me cry) and when they aren’t there I feel the loss. Be happy always. You are amazing.

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  20. I think I’ve seen glimpses of this girl – how very nice to think of her gleaming beyond belief. I love you, so much, and this is the best post ever. I’m grinning like an idiot right now. xoxoxoxoxo

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  21. Pingback: Because this was too good not to share… — Hamlet's Mistress

  31. I want your happiness. It looks beautiful on you!

    Right now I am in that “tossed, thrown, beaten, bruised and stomped on by life” sort of place right now – and coming back from BlissDom tonight just made it real that nothing really has even changed since last year’s event.

    I hope that by next year, I can see the same thing that you are seeing in yourself right now.

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  33. Your happiness is contagious. New reader, found you through the Blissdom hashtag on Twitter. I too feel like I found me again at Blissdom. Congratulations, and I hope you continue to feel the #blisshigh

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  41. You. Make. Me. Better.

    You truly bring me so much joy. From the very MOMENT I first saw you, until the second I said goodbye. And this? THIS? Looks SO GOOD ON YOU. Can’t even tell you how happy it makes me. I need more of you in my life. Miss you already. xoxo

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  43. Oh my girl! You have me in tears!!

    I am so glad, like deep down inside my heart of hearts, so incredibly happy – beyond words to describe – how much I am so blessed you are in my life.

    Even if it’s just for those quick glimpses at a time moments we have together.

    Seriously, thank you.

    This is a hinge-moment post! xoxo

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