“Invented in the mid-1800’s as a last-ditch option for orphans and underweight babies, packaged infant formula has since been perfected to be a complete and reliable source of stress and shame for mothers.” -Tina Fey, Bossypants
I do not produce breastmilk.
I figured I’d better come clean on this whole subject since some of you may see Vivi drinking formula out of bottles in a few days.
Ironically this is World Breastfeeding Week.
Chances are there are other women like me out there who see all of this PRO BREASTFEEDING! and GO TEAM MILK BOOBS! talk and feel a rock in their stomach like I do.
The assumption of a bottle feeding mother is hardly ever a good one. Generally the assumption that tops the list is that she gave up. Or that she’s selfish. Or lazy.
I can assure you that bottle feeding does not a lazy/selfish life enable. I have to be twice as prepared when I leave the house because I do not make milk on demand.
Did I give up? Sure, I guess you could call it that if you want to. But I gave up knowing that for eight weeks I did anything and EVERYTHING I could to promote milk production. Vivi had a latch and patience breastfeeding mothers dream of.
I wanted this to work so bad you guys.
I wanted to breastfeed Vivi exclusively just as badly as I wanted to be pregnant.
But my body…it didn’t oblige.
Many bodies out there don’t produce what comes naturally to so many others. Some bodies don’t produce enough tears, some bodies don’t produce enough insulin, some bodies don’t produce enough estrogen, some bodies don’t produce sweat, some bodies don’t produce sperm and some bodies don’t produce babies.
Just because someone has all the parts doesn’t mean they all work in harmony (or at all.)
But a body that doesn’t produce breastmilk is the only one that is judged both openly and silently on a fairly regular basis.
Can you imagine someone who suffers from dry eye syndrome being accosted for putting eye drops in their eyes? “Those have chemicals in them! THEY ARE UNNATURAL! What, are you so selfish that you can’t bother to cry your own tears? Your eyes are going to be damaged, don’t you care?”
(I realize the ratio of people who think this way is 1:100, but that one. They are loud.)
I stuck with it. Eight weeks day and night. I did outrageous things for outrageous lengths of time at outrageous hours. People would say “I don’t know how you’re doing it.” I would respond “I can’t not, I’ll know when it’s time to be done and now isn’t the time.”
One morning I looked at a tiny baby Vivi and I said “Baby, I don’t make enough what you need. I’m sorry. I did my best.” She gave me a gummy little smile and I knew it would be okay.
That day I didn’t take fenugreek, domperidone, goat’s rue, More Milk Plus, drink my tea, wear an SNS or pump.
I never made another drop of milk.
There was no tapering. No drying up.
There was nothing. No evidence that I had ever even tried aside from the breastfeeding paraphernalia at the side of my bed.
I was never able to satiate her with breastmilk. Not even once. Not even after spending a week straight in bed doing nothing but everything I was supposed to be doing. I never leaked. I never let down. I never engorged. I never pumped more than an ounce. Combined. All day.
Those first eight weeks went so fast.
Every moment was spent trying to make more milk. Every time I nursed her I would think “This has to be it, this has to be the time I’m able to fill her up.”
That time never came.
These last four weeks have been spent settling into our new routine and mourning the loss of breastfeeding.
Vivi is easily the most loved baby to ever exist. We crowd around her daily, fighting over who loves her more. She fits into our family so perfectly. Her little spirit is exactly what we never knew we were missing. Will I ever not feel a tinge of jealously when I see another mom breastfeeding? Maybe. Maybe not.
My boobs don’t work. But my heart does.
And it belongs to this little girl and her big sister. (And the guy who helped me make them for a few glorious seconds.)
making unbreakable - formerly moosh in indy. 
You are a champion, lion-hearted mother, you know that?
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Your boobs could feed her for two years tops, your heart will feed her forever.
You did, are doing, everything exactly as she needs.
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@Joules, Joules, what a perfect way to say it. I am in the no-milk-producing-boobs club too. After reading a post about it, my husband hugged me because he understood that like Casey said, you grieve the loss of that particular bond/relationship. But it doesn’t mean anything in the long run – I am SO close with both my sons.
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@Rachael,
Hear, hear! So glad for you to share that, maybe it can ease the psyche of some other mama:)
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I attempted with the same result as you… gave it my all for 8 weeks, too. Maybe it was because my son came too early, maybe because there was stress related to the NICU experience, maybe because we were separated for the first few days, maybe because of stupid PCOS. Thank you for posting this! This is exactly what I needed to read on the topic. We can’t all be good at everything, right? Copious amounts of love and mothers’ instincts are all they need.
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There is no blame or shame in knowing when to stop hitting your head against a stone wall. You rock.
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oh my gosh! your story sounds identical to mine, only i had double mastitis twice along with all the other problems..i felt like such a failure so i know what you went through but don’t let anyone tell you you’re not a good mother..only you know the truth.that’s what i found out through my situation
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I don’t think you should feel bad at all. You gave it your all, going above and beyond. I think I am finally at peace with not producing enough milk. Why beat ourselves up so much?
you rock! and so do your boobs even if they decided not to make milk.
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Casey, don’t let others make you feel lesser. The most important thing to a child is that they are loved and cared for and this you do magnificently. You haven’t failed, it really is just one of those things and it has happened to all sorts of women through the ages and will do so again.
You love you daughter with all you heart, she will always have all she needs.
Lynn
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I breast fed for 5 days – I didn’t fail
My breasts created milk – oh so much milk they were large and engorged and PAINFULL – oh my how they hurt my nipples just didn’t want to give it up! My son nursed and nursed and nursed until my areola cracked and bled, He nursed for 12 hours straight and still couldn’t get satisfied until the 6th morning when I broke and sat nursing my son while huge fat tears landed on his head my Dad was around and had enough – he cycled for miles to find a shop that sold formula and I’ve never looked back. I fed him and we both slept for 15 hours straight.
I didn’t fail just as you haven’t “Giving up” is not failure – giving up is just excepting that some things are not to be, Failure – that would be not trying at all!
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You did NOT fail. You made the best choice available for you and Vivi, really for your whole family. Women can be our own worst memories. Here you are, ready to take your daughter on a big conference trip, to a place full of women. Rather than anticipating support you seem to know the mommy judging… It’s a-coming. Whether it’s breastfeeding or any other parenting decision, I wish we could stop apologizing/ judging. Vivi is obviously well loved and cared for and your pride shows through every picture. I look for that when I see a parent with a baby.
I hope that you have a wonderful trip!
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You, my dear, get the golden boob award. I know people who gave up after two days, some who couldn’t be bothered to try. You? You must be exhausted from all that work! You are made of pure awesome, and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, send them my way. ❤
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You are courageous, strong and and an unbelievable mother for the effort you gave the and for the ability to know when to stop. Writing about it could not be easy and I am in awe of your pure ability to tell us how it is. Love is all she needs…her food source is irrelevant and you did great maama!
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I admire you. I was not able to nurse. There is an acidic content to my milk that actually makes my children sick. So not matter how much I had wanted to it was in thier best health. I too have had people look down on me for not breastfeeding…If they only knew!
Again I admire you!
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This is exactly the story I had with my two babies! I tried and tried, with the supplements, the feedings, the no-sleep-ever, the pumping, the SNS…I tried. I really did. The first time, I tried for 8 weeks. The second time, at the three week mark, I started feeling resentment when my son woke up hungry, and I hadn’t been to sleep yet (what with the pumping, etc.)…so it was time to quit. Breastfeeding IS best, sure – but it’s not the only way. More acceptance for mothers of all kinds would make our world a much nicer place.
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you are a warrior.
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there you go again shoveling out grace and peace to mamas everywhere by the bucketful. may it be returned to ten fold my sista.
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You are a rock star for trying as hard as you did. Truly. Not that even trying that hard is what MAKES a good mother. You can be a perfectly awesome mom without ever even attempting to latch. Clearly formula isnt working since Vivi is so undernourished…lmao. She looks amazingly chunky and healthy and THAT is what matters in all this. Breast or bottle if your baby thrives you are doing it right.
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Casey, I am sitting here at my computer crying. Only I’m not crying FOR you. I’m crying WITH you. I hope you know that Vivi will NEVER love you less because of this. NEVER.
I could not breastfeed my first son for so many reasons. I won’t go into them but rest assured many women don’t have those easy breezy breastfeeding stories to share. My stories involve blood sweat and tears with both my boys.
Both my sons had mostly formula and BOY do they love me 🙂
Your words resonate with me. I stopped breastfeeding my first son almost 3 years ago. And your words still bring back that pain. That sting that I felt every time I saw a nursing mother. But the envy and sadness did fade.
You did SO great for 8 weeks! That’s amazing and you should be very proud of yourself.
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It’s amazing how tied up our hearts can get when the person at the other end of the cafeteria line is ours. I know it’s impossible to avoid (those jerk people) forever but Vivi is completely wholly wrapped in love and you’ve done your very best. Peace.
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You know what I think truly sucks? The fact that you HAVE to try.
No matter how much it doesn’t work out, no matter if your hubby is in the Navy with Kid #1 so you are left alone with an infant on the other side of the country or if your hubby is in a completely different state and you are now left alone with Kid #1 plus one more–it doesn’t matter.
Hey–it doesn’t matter! I pumped intermittently with Kid #1 for a total of 6 weeks. I was in tears even trying to breastfeed. I felt guilty so I kept trying to pump.
Kid #2? Same thing. These boobs apparently weren’t made for breastfeeding. Being alone? Does not a happy breastfeeding experience make.
Why do we insist on beating ourselves up about it? Sure, there’s women out there who breastfeed for two years but there are women who breastfeed for two years and then feed their kid fast food for the next 16 years of their life.
I didn’t breastfeed, but my kids’ nutrition is very important to us–and I think that has to count for something.
Breastfeeding isn’t the be-all, end-all symbol of the perfect mother. There’s many more years involved than just those baby ones.
I wish we would all stop pretending that it is and quit feeling so guilty when it doesn’t work out like we’d planned. Or maybe that’s just me.
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@Jessica Nunemaker from little Indiana, I so agree. Sure, breastfeeding is nutritiously better for babies. But when did we decide that the nutritional boost is more important that a mother’s self esteem, sanity, or ability to take care of ALL her family and NOT just the nutritional needs of a small infant.
I tried with my first born. Did I try as hard as Casey? No. Way. But I did try and it didn’t work out. I refuse to apologize for under utilizing my nipples ever again. Nor will I ever consider myself less than the good mom that I am.
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@ami,
LOL @ “under utilizing my nipple.”
I think we get so stuck on the breastfeeding issue, that we neglect the more important issue–mom’s mental and emotional health!
I mean, cracked nipples? Um, ouch! Is it REALLY worth your pain? For what? To avoid “the look” from the militant breastfeeders?
To me? Not so much.
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@Jessica Nunemaker from little Indiana, Great response!
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@Jenny,
Thank you! 🙂
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So glad you made the decision that was right for you. And obviously it was the right decision. It matters that you’re both happy and healthy and continuing to nurse any longer doesn’t sound like it would have been furthering that goal.
I wish the judgment would go away. It’s so ridiculous. and inappropriate. and just, RUDE. Do people not understand how rude it is to question or judge another parent’s decision to feed their child? Why do they think the “how” in that equation gives them the right to judge and shame EITHER WAY?
Nurse in public with or without a cover, feed formula from hour one FOR WHATEVER REASON… It shouldn’t matter. Just feed your baby.
Sorry. End of rant. Can’t wait to meet you and the bebop and her freshly shaken formula bottle.
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Count me in as a member of the “my boobies forgot their job club”. It sucks, but our kids get our love forever that’s what is really important.
You are a rock star for trying so hard!
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Just have to chime in here and agree that there is no shame in your story. I too tried each time, but did not produce enough milk for my three children. My husband and I had agreed that based on experience baby #3 would go straight to bottle. Well something in me held out hope that this time would be different. It took four weeks for baby #3 to regain his birth weight. (Tried the support group, supplements, sns, pumping after every fedding, and on and on.) The only time he gained weight was when I supplemented. Again, there is absolutely no shame in making sure your baby thrives – whether by breast or bottle!
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Even if you just gave her a tiny bit of milk over those 8 weeks, that is still something beneficial for her.
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I breastfed my son and had to supplement every feeding with formula because I didn’t produce enough and I stopped at 8 weeks too. One time a woman asked me about not breastfeeding and after explaining my situation she said “well, you’ll have to try harder next time.” What a way to be supportive…
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All you had to do was try. And you BEYOND tried. Breastfeeding was the hardest thing I ever did and it was hard all three times. I cried for hours over it. My first son got formula too and he’s the biggest of all my 3. I sometimes wonder if I wasn’t so stubborn about only giving breast milk to my others would they be bigger, smarter? Nope, I don’t doubt for a second that that little girl has a good thing going.
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My mom didn’t even try to breastfeed me, or my brothers, and she was and is the best mom EVAH. I am super proud of how much heart and effort you put into this, and you should be too. Hold your head, and your boobs, very HIGH! 🙂
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I will never look at a formula feeding mom the same way … thank you! You are brave and wonderful.
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Crying at work is never cute. Sigh. That really sucks. Just simply it sucks that your body wouldn’t produce what you and Vivi so desperately wanted. But what doesn’t suck is what a BEYOND amazing mother you are. You tried, and you tried more, and you tried more than I even knew possible to make it work. Those smug women flashing their breasts at you when you pull out your bottle have no idea how hard you tried. And you shouldn’t care about them. You’re an amazing mom and you have two beautiful healthy daughters who will tell them so or at the very least maybe Vivi can have a blowout on them =)
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This brought tears to my eyes because I totally can relate to the state of mourning that you feel. The difference is that I was an ignorant first time mom and you have done everything right…so I hate that you have to feel that saddness! I don’t know of too many people that would put the effort into it that you did so I applaude you! This alone shows that you are one amazing, selfless mom…and you have nothing to be ashamed of!
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If I was there, I’d do a crazy cheer in your living room (with pom poms and everything) and tell you that you ARE a breastfeeding mother and that your story is powerful and women need to hear it. I would be so honored if you would consider submitting a 100 word story for a project I am working on. http://www.ambermccann.com/blog/100-words/
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All of that about the rock-in-the-stomach, and the tea, and the accoutrements, and the eight weeks? Me too. It crushed me with my daughter. I tried again with my son, but it didn’t come as a surprise and wasn’t quite as devastating. And now they’re both just fine.
You’re a super mom. And you make mighty pretty babies.
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Casey,
I’m a mom and a psychiatrist. I tried to breastfeed (though not nearly hard as you did) and it did not work. Women need to stop being so judgemental and be more supportive of each other. You do what is best for your baby and dont feel bad about it. This breastfeeding battle, is kind of like the mean girls in school, just mommy aged. Breast milk is best we know this, it is also best not to have to stress about and obsess about whether you will make that ounce of milk every minute of your day. You did your best- enjoy your precious baby!! and tell the mean girls to mind their own business
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YES! THANK YOU!
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I still get a tweak in my heart when I see a mom lovingly nurse her baby. But for the most part, I’ve made peace with it.
I don’t usually post links to my own posts in comments, but I think this one really, really fits here. http://theiveyleague.com/2011/02/09/boob-free-bonding/
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I had the same trouble 25 years ago when I was trying to nurse my daughter — except the only paraphernalia then was a manual breast pump.
You have done the right thing for Vivi and your body. You DID NOT fail.
As Biddy said earlier, anyone gives you a hard time about, send that idiot to me. I got your back, sister.
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Your story is so similar to my own. I can emapthize with you so very much! Know that you did all you could and every drop of breastmilk you were able to give her was a blessing!!! As an FYI, I was diagnosed with IGT, and with preparation, was able to successful BF baby #2, and getting ready to do it again with baby #3, due in 7 weeks 🙂
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My heart ached for you as I read this. You’re amazing. I don’t hear of too many moms who go to such lengths to try to breastfeed. I wish more moms would speak up like you have. It’s an important reminder to not judge others, no matter what. We are all doing our best and we all should be proud of ourselves for it. Big hugs to you & thank you for sharing this.
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I’ve been there and done that twice. It was not fun. The judgments were not fun. Katie was breastfed once. That’s right, once. She’s is 2 1/2 years old and amazing.
Breastfeeding is important, but it’s not the end of all chances of success for a child. No matter what anyone tells you 🙂
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I bet your boobs do way more than you think. The soft, familiar feel of mama.
You are amazing.
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I am sorry for you, and also quite proud of you. I, too, am bottle feeding. I am still attempting to pump, but my supply seems maxed out at 6 ounces a day. I haven’t reached the point of stopping yet, but I needed this post to remember that it is ok if I do.
Vivi is healthy and happy and that is entirely a result of your parenting. Never forget that. You have produced perfection twice. If anyone thinks otherwise, it is a thought born out of envy, I promise you that.
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The whole breastfeeding vs bottle feeding debate makes me so sad. We are all just trying to do the best we can do with what we have (or have not) been given. I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to breastfeed my daughter for 9 months. I would never judge another woman for not breastfeeding regardless of the reason. You are an incredible woman and mother and your girls are so very lucky. 🙂
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Casey, you really are a rockstar. In my humble opinion, the only thing that matters is the love that you put in and you’ve got that in spades. Really can’t wait to meet you in a few short days!
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This is exactly what I needed to hear. There are many of us out there that go through these same issues and are ashamed to say it. Thanks for saying what many of us do not have the courage to say.
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Sometimes it just seriously does not work. It didn’t work for me the first time. I pumped mostly blood, with a little splash of breastmilk. I took the milk to my pediatrician and she said “No, don’t feed him that.” It hurt. I cried all the time. It sucked ASS. And I didn’t try nearly as hard as you did. So I stopped at 4 weeks. I didn’t feel a bit guilty about it (though I did feel a sense of loss, and I think it furthered my depression.) But with that baby, it was just NOT happening. I blamed it on a lot of things (mostly my cesarean) but who knows what it was.
With the next baby? I produced just fine. The boy never needed a drop of formula. And with the 3rd baby – Irony settled in to my house in the form of a massive oversupply (which sounds like a good problem to have, but it’s NOT because it actually hurts the baby.) Thankfully, that has begun to settle down.
So no – the boobs don’t always work like we want them to. They USUALLY do (with the right support), but not always, and there’s absolutely NOTHING to feel bad about. And it also doesn’t mean that they won’t always work right. Maybe your body will produce enough “tears” next time, just like mine did.
Either way – you’re an amazing mother for trying as hard as you did.
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Beautiful, wise post. I’m a mom of twins and have spent the last 3 months striving to produce enough for even ONE baby. It’s confusing when you hear of that ‘one more thing’ that you haven’t tried yet and so defeating when it doesn’t work. But, it’s true. Our hearts DO work. And through all this we can draw closer to each other as women. And we can only hope that jealousy and judgement do not corrode away at us. Thank you for this honest and helpful post.
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Do I understand a lot of what you went through! This is my story as well. My girls are almost 7 and 4 and my heart still sinks when my friends talk about breastfeeding or when I remember those very hard first weeks. The syringe and tubes bring me back! YOU did your very best. Rest in that.
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My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story. Hopefully it will help another struggling momma know she isn’t alone and open some eyes that not everyone one who doesn’t breastfeed has made that choice.
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I’m a mom & a psychologist (who has researched postpartum depression). Your story is so familiar to me as I could not produce for my first daughter. As i continually tried to nurse & pump, I felt myself being dragged down with depression over being a “failure” as a mother. I then felt shame over buying formula. I couldn’t win! I didn’t follow the mantra I told my patients, the best thing for baby is a happy, healthy mama. And you know what? My formula fed babe is a smart, beautiful, and healthy child. We need to give ourselves a break! I was a formula fed child & I have a PhD & have led a happy, healthy life. We just need reminders now & then that there is much more to parenting than how we feed our children for the first year of life. Hugs to you & your beautiful child!
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Thank you for this post. It is exactly what I needed to hear today as I am struggling with the need to supplement my little guy. My heart hurts, but apparently my boobs don’t work well either ;-P
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I LOATHE the judginess that comes with breastfeeding. You are amazing. (and, frankly, so is formula.) : )
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Thank you for sharing this. I went through the exact same thing with my daughter (including the tube feeding) and cannot believe the guilt, shame and pain I was made to feel by those judged me for not breastfeeding. I will be sharing this post as it is SO important it deserves to be read.
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