So I don’t want to have to admit this, but given that I’ve kind of got a reputation for being honest and something about the truth setting me free…here goes.
I am having a hard time.
Not emotionally…as in PPD…in fact there have been many moments over the last few weeks were I have held a screaming baby at 3 am and thought “I’m so glad I’m properly medicated this time.”
Yesterday was the first day I had to set her down and walk away. She was fed, she was clean, she was exhausted and very hard to please. Her name around these parts is sad baby, because sad she is.
There are a couple of moments during the day when she’s not sad. One of them being when she’s asleep (which isn’t all that often) and when she’s attached to my boob (which is so very, very often.) Don’t get me wrong, I love having her attached to my boob, I ADORE IT EVEN! But I still have the milk supply of a ferret meaning I have to supplement her somehow.
She decided long ago that she wasn’t having the SNS and syringe/cup feeding is also not her thing. So yes, I’ve been using bottles. It’s a very precise milky dance getting this baby fed. A sort of boob sandwich cocktail. Boob, bottle, boob. However today I joined the big leagues of team Low Milk Supply and added the Lact-Aid to my arsenal.
If you’ve ever used a Lact-Aid, or know someone who’s used a Lact-Aid then you’ll know that “Lact-Aid” is lactation speak for “Swear-Aid.” But alas, I want to nurse Vivi so badly that I am willing to do anything including taping tiny tubes full of milk to my nipples.
At this point (cover your ears lactivists) it’s not even about the health benefit, I’ve already raised one wicked smart and healthy progeny on formula alone. It’s not even about cost at this point either because I’m STILL having to buy formula on top of all these gadgets, herbs and medications (Speaking of medications, 9 pills three times a day with an additional two once a day. 29 pills. For serious. (For those of you nosy curious, fenugreek, More Milk Plus, Goat’s Rue and the one that starts with a D. I also have the tea.))
Nope, we’re to sheer willpower. I AM going to make this work. I AM going to get a full milk supply. I AM going to fill my baby’s belly all by myself and if not? I am going to move on to bottles knowing I did everything, EVERYTHING I could.
I have all the books. I obviously have all the supplements. I have all the gadgets. I have an IBCLC on speed dial, twitter and on email. I have an insane amount of knowledge of the human mammary system and I have a baby who latches like a champ, has the (relative) patience of a tiny baby saint and the lung capacity of Steven Tyler.
I thought keeping my house tidy while pregnant was hard, turns out it’s twice as hard while wearing a tiny baby with a fuzzy bobbly head, but the baby only sleeps when she’s being worn and I’m walking or when I’m sitting and she’s comfy.
I think she’s trying to tell me to kick back and relax. No one really needs clean underwear that bad.
Which is fiiiiiine. Her tinyness is a very limited time engagement.
But still. I’m very (mentally) tired. I lose it occasionally (sorry Cody.) I get a little short with Addie (sorry darling.) I sometimes heavy sigh at Vivi (it’s not you it’s me.)
Just because I waited so long for this little baby doesn’t make this stuff any easier, but it does make me appreciate it a little bit more because it’s just going so damn fast.
making unbreakable - formerly moosh in indy. 
oh, darling. i wish i had something more substantial than my love to give you. it will get better.
-mommymae
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I was right. there. And had no idea it was so difficult for you. I mean, it’s clearly tough. Being a new mom is hard anyway, and I knew how much you were dealing with, but you seemed so nonchalant about it all.
I kinda wish you’d just said, this is really freaking hard. I need a break. Let’s go get Frostys RIGHT NOW. Cuz, I totally would have – weight loss meal plan or not. xxoo
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@Just Heather, You made me weepy. Jerk.
I guess I’m just so set on making this work that I don’t have time to complain, this is what I want, I know I could get out but I don’t want to, so why complain?
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@Casey, Sorry – didn’t mean to make you weepy! But, I was right there. And would have loved to be there for you. All you have to do is ask.
Okay, so I get that’s harder than it sounds, but next time? Remember that I like to be needed. So, you’d really be doing me a favor by asking for help.
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It IS HARD. Sad baby. Sad friend. Even when we wished, prayed, and sacrificed for them, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t the hardest work ever.
I’m with mommymae, it will get better. It always does.
You can do the hardest things.
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love you. thank you for being honest, as always. Thinking about you and praying for endurance for you. And for sad baby.
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If you send me a mailing address, I will send you my World Famous Cookies. (They aren’t really famous. But they are really good.) I might even send you a few pairs of clean underpants.
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@Nichole, Deal, but we don’t allow raisins in our house, I don’t remember if you said yours had raisins or not…(It’s not an allergy thing, it’s a raisins are gross thing.) 🙂
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@Casey, if I owned it, I’d wear this every time I made cookies.
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I. Love. You.
that’s all
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Thinking of you, Casey, and keeping you in my prayers. The first three months are just about survival. You’re doing a great job. One second, minute, hour, day at a time.
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I know we’ve never met, but Casey I love you. You’re honest and I appreciate that. I though COLIC! was hard, but I can’t imagine what you are going through. You have my thoughts and prayers. I wish we lived closer, I’d wash your laundry.
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You’ve done way more in the boob department that I ever would have with my kids.
We need to go get dessert soon. We’ll drag Cody and Vivi along, but just keep them in the car. Because leaving babies in locked up in the car all by themselves is totally frowned upon.
I kid, I kid..
But really, this is a season, and you know both the good and the bad won’t last forever. I think you’re rolling with it quite gracefully. Seriously.
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@designhermomma,
I agree with Emily! You totally get points for hanging in there still with boob business and doing all of these things. I have been lucky with the nursing thing the last 3 (second was a similar story to yours, but I quit at 3 weeks). That being said, I did have to contend (and still do occasionally) with the sad baby. Since it wasn’t my first time at this rodeo, I took it all in stride, like you are. I knew it would pass and one day I would miss the wee baby phase, so I just soaked it all in- screaming, dirty piles of laundry and all. For what it’s worth,I think you’re doing splendidly with keeping it all together!
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Casey, my first was “colicky” three years later we learned he had very bad reflux -I took him to 3 different docs who told me I was being a first time mom- he screamed almost the entire time he was awake until he could walk. The scarring from the reflux was found when he had to have an endoscopy for GI issues. I breastfed, there were no supply issues, but those were the hardest 10 months of my life. I was trying so hard to do the attachment parenting thing, he was in a sling or swing (on high because that was the only time he was ever content. The crunchy moms said feed on demand, the non-crunchy told me schedule. Nothing worked but time. Hang in there, like HG it ends even when every day stretches for years. You and your family are in my prayers.
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I’m right there with you with a sad baby. My milk supply is all over the place & my 5 week old son may latch well but he’s a sloppy eater with reflux & a little colic to go with it so I’ll be thinking of you as I rock my sad baby at 3 am.
You’re right though. It’s a short period of time to deal with all of this but on little sleep it can seem like forever.
Hugs
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I love you so hard right now. You may not know this but you are an inspiration to me. I know one day once everything in my head and heart are settled we will try again. I’m clinging to your story for hope. Thank you for taking me on this journey.
PS. You can dooooo ittttt
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I love you lady. Next week I’ll come out, clean your bathroom and hold the sad baby so you can shower in the clean bathroom. Deal? Until then, eat lots of candy.
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You are clearly a rock star – and I wish you were having an easier time, but you are awesome and I hope you get some happy baby time very soon – or a nap, or both, or some chocolate.
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@Karen,
ROCK STAR is exactly what I was thinking! You’re doing so much good for her and taking it all in stride so beautifully. I’m glad you’re doing this because you want to , not because you feel like you haev to. Hang in there, lady. And do eat some chocolate. And what the heck? Have a milkshake!
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Oh, mama. You are such a rockstar that in tempted to head to Walgreens and buy EVERY kind of candy they have (except black licorice) ad head south to Indy, where I will hug you and we can have serious discussions about what candy is the best. And by serious, I mean, we will eat all of the candy and it will be awesome. And then when you’re in a candy coma, I’ll clean your entire house.
Seriously, though, whether you someday drown in milk supply or you don’t…you’re doing this beautifully. No matter how hard it may be, you’re weathering the storm. It will get better.
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My sweet little Emmy (now 6 months) had a difficult phase where she was very sad. It started in week 3 and lasted for about 2 months. It was hard, I cried, my 3 year old boy cried, my sweet, confused husband stood close by (but not too close for fear that I would throw things, ha!).
It was hard, but that time already feels like a distant memory.
Kudos for trying so hard on the nursing – and for keeping such a great and honest outlook on it all.
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You’re doing such an amazing job and should be so proud. I’m not sure I would have the willpower to keep trying. I’ve been lucky enough to not have had supply issues. I wish you lots and lots of breastmilk!
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I am so damn proud of you! No one ever tells you how hard it can be. You are a rockstar!
She will probably laugh when she hears this story when she is older and say “mom, you shoulda chilled out”, then she will have her own baby, lol.
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Babies aren’t easy, anyway. When you have a sad baby (been there) and a low milk supply (done that over and over), it just makes the hard so much shinier. It glares you in the face.
She’s here. She’s adorable. And she’s yours. Everything else eventually fades, I think.
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You are doing amazing! I’m not sure I would have the strength to keep trying to breastfeed if I had to go through 1/5 of what you are dealing with. Also, sad baby is so freaking cute-love the pics!
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I’m so glad that it isn’t PPD hell, but the feeding issues, sad baby and just having.a.newborn! is enough to make anyone feel overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, guilty and a little nuts. I’m so sorry. Sending you big loves and prayers.
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youre doing awesome! keep it up
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I can clean. I know you don’t know me, but think of me as a free cleaning service who your friend Emily knows really well. 🙂 I’ve been in a similar place with my 1st being such a hard baby and I’d be happy to help.
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Sending hugs C. Your efforts are AMAZING.
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I so sympathize with you – there’s nothing that I can say that will make it better, but just know there are/were women out there who went through something very similar with milk supply! It is the most frustrating thing in the world, that made me feel like I’m not an adequate mother. But you’re absolutely right – just focus on the limited time that you have with Vivi while she’s tiny! 🙂 So proud you’re not giving up till you feel like you did your best.
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You, are AMAZING!! You are an exceptionally great mom! Hopefully Vivi’s sad baby phase will be short. Is it weird to pray for your milk to be plentiful? 😉
(My youngest had colic and really bad gas. She cried A LOT. Something that helped a little was to run the hair dryer, on High, near her (not blowing on her, but close enough that it drowns out all other sound). The vacuum didn’t work as well as the hair dryer did. Something that saved our sanity was http://coliccalm.com/ . It helps with gas, colic, teething, gastrointestinal distress, & acid reflux. It does stain clothes and her poop will turn black, but her comfort (and our sanity) made it worth it.)
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Casey,
It is so hard to admit sometimes, that one is having a hard time, so I am glad you were able to do that! Now I know how to pray for you!
I can’t imagine working as hard and taking as many supplements, etc, but I am glad that you are medicated enough and that your attitude is good about all of it. It is not easy, any of it. When Amos was born prematurely, I had to pump every three hours, day and night, to build my milk supply and it wasn’t easy. And there were many times I wanted to quit. But I hope that it works out for you and that your supply comes in.
I imagine you have undergone all sorts of medical tests, but have you had your thyroid looked at? And under- or overly active thyroid can suppress milk supply. Too, have you checked side effects of your meds? I just ask because I have gotten in the habit of taking whatever is needed in the moment only to find out that the side effects were giving me a hard time, not my body.
Anyway, I hope and hope and hope that it works out. Praying for you and cheering you on, as you sit in the middle of the night with a tube taped to your boob, working for a better supply!
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I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. Poor sad baby… and poor tired mama. Hugs.
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Sweetie – keep in mind that you cried CONSTANTLY for the first seven weeks. It was…..exhausting. I understood why baby shaking happens. I stood over your cradle and cried too. Then one day you decided that this was going to be where you were planted and you might as well make the best of it. I get the impression that Vivi also thinks the womb was preferable to the world. Hang in there kid. I love you.
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I forget what I was going to say cause Tiny Grandma just posted the sweetest comment above.
Weep.
Sending calm baby juju your way.
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I live in Indy and will come do your laundry and cook your meals and watch Sad Baby for you just so you can take a nap. Just say the word and I am there! Seriously! Just remember to breathe.
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If you were here I would totally drag you to my acupuncturist.
I’ve never had a child (yet) nor have I suffered from the levels of depression that you have, however, I’ve been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia and I was depressed (not wanting to breathe anymore depressed).
I couldn’t walk anymore. When I met him I was crying uncontrollable with pain. He’s fixed me up. No drugs, some herbs…I still have flares and pain but nothing like before. And the depression– I didn’t have to talk about it or tell anyone anything- these needles unleashed all these repressed memories that I didn’t even know I had and I was able to process them now.
I ramble, but my point is if you are at the end of your rope like I was, give it a shot. Not necessarily for the depression but for the lactation. I’m sure there are points for it. I can even ask my acupuncturist if you would like me to?
A year ago I never imagined I would let someone put needles in me but after that first session I was practically a pincushion because of the relief and the results. 🙂
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Holy cow, you’ve got determination in spades, my friend. And sighing? I do it on an hourly basis…at least.
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It’s been a little over a year since I had my 2nd baby and I remember how hard it was at first. You are doing SO much with the breastfeeding – I was on the “D” pill too, and he wanted to be on the boob 24/7. He was supplemented from the beginning, and I didn’t get much supply, but made it 5 weeks, which was 5 weeks longer than with my first! It was good. But those first two months or so were such an adjustment. Believe me and all the others though, it totally gets easier. I promise. One day, you will sleep again. And not have a baby on you constantly. And it’s probably not as far off as it seems.
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I don’t know, I think there are sad and happy babies in this world. And I got 2 sad ones. I can’t remember at the moment what we called Cory (I know it’s written down somewhere!), but Noah was the Sad Panda baby. I even ended up with a little onesie with black felt patches that made it look like a panda face. Yeah, not so fun when they’re sad, but you’re right, it goes by so fast! He’s 14 months now and doing the most adorable head nod whenever we ask him a question!
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Oh mama. I KNOW. My boobs were such big slackers- both times- and I know all the frustrations you are dealing with so well. And I nodded when I read your line about it not even being about the health benefits anymore- it was A STUBBORNNESS THING after a while! heh I just wanted it to work, dangit.
But I have to say, you are going even above and beyond the things I tried, holy moly. You are more stubborn than me 😉 I did the Mother’s Milk thing, pumping non-stop, etc. Eventually after 4-5 months, it was over. And I honestly was relieved. It was so hard and so incredibly all-consuming. It was nice when I could think about other things for a while. heh
Heavy sighing at the baby? OH YES. So glad they don’t know what’s going on at that point… LOL
You are doing amazing, lady. Whatever happens, you are a fabulous mother. Hope the sad baby gives you some happy moments soon!! xoxo
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I’m sorry Casey. New babies are just so demanding, waiting a long time for yours to arrive doesn’t change that so don’t feel guilty. Deciding to breastfeed is wonderful but if it doesn’t work out for you don’t feel guilty. It doesn’t mean you love Vivi more if you breastfeed her and less if you don’t.
Stress can have a factor in milk production, as can how well the baby actually feeds, as opposed to just being latched-on and nuzzling. That may give her a lot of comfort but it isn’t getting much food to her, so if that is what is happening, try to make Vivi go a little longer between feeds and not use you as a dummy (I think the American is pacifier). Comfort is great but if you need to encourage more active feeding discourage it, at least for a while.
Keep strong, you are doing a great job.
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You’re a great mom. Those first few months are so so hard. Remember to take care of you. xo
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Oh I wish I could help. Newborns are HARD!!! I am sure all the extra work you are doing to nurse vivi is exhausting, mentally and physically. It will get better, you are amazing.
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I just want to cry with you, for you, and for sad baby. I am so furious with the people that would make you feel like you have to even feel like your feelings are a secret or are not okay. You know me, I am a breastfeeder, but had I struggled? I am also a quitter. I’d probably be singing a different song. No matter what kind of milk you got, you are a rockstar.
Steph
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Casey..hang in there, you are doing awesome!!! If I were closer I would come and help…hugs to all!
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It has to be disappointing for her to be sad. But she’ll grow out of it and be a ray of sunshine just like you and Addie. Hope she grows into herself soon. Love to you sweetie.
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I came up with a song for Clara who was 2 and change when Lucie was born…
It goes something like “I love you when I’m cranky, I love you when I cry, I love you, when I’m tired, I love you, love you all the time.”
It’s amazing to me today that I had to come up with that. I don’t remember being cranky and sad all that often. Clearly though… if my moods had a soundtrack it must have been frequent.
Just saying… this too shall pass and none of you will remember it.
Hugs to you brave mama.
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Dude. It IS hard. It’s just so hard. No matter what, it’s hard. I’m sorry. Crying and crying is so so hard. And not sleeping…and not growing a magical milk supply. None of it is your fault and yet there you are, being the one to strive to fix fix FIX IT ALREADY. You are amazing and truly honorable and there is so much love floating over to you.
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Give yourself space, time, understanding and forgiveness. Just get through the first couple of months. Take it easy, don’t commit and don’t care about how you would normally do things. It all comes back in time.
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Say the word and I’ll head your way and gladly clean your house. Of course I would have to bring cookies from Paradise…or cupcakes from Flying Cupcake…or any other crazy awesome dessert. And maybe Hadley will tell you the story of “Booty Beast.” I’m pretty sure she means Beauty and the Beast…at least I hope so, considering she watched it at school today.
I feel the need to send a care package. Heck, it might not be anything you like but presents are always good, right? Unless you think I might stalk you, in which case you’d better tell me you live in Bloomington. 🙂 send me your address when you get a chance. Lots of love to you. You’re doing awesome, even if you don’t feel like it. Vivi and Addie are blessed to have you as their mom.
Xoxo.
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My wife had to do the capillary tube thing for a few days before her milk came in with our second because he was so big and needed so much more than she could give, and it was very difficult. I cannot imagine having to do that on an ongoing basis.
I have to say, I think most people, regardless of emotional/mental predisposition, would have lost it by now, and the fact that you haven’t impresses me more than you know (which, we all know, is the REAL reason you wrote this post, I realize).
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Reading everything you’re trying just made me tired. I think I might need a nap now. But seriously, you are amazing. I know I would have given up long ago. And if it comes to that, I’m glad you know, your Vivi will still be a genius, just like her big sister. HUGS to you.
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oh my, this hits so close to home. love and understanding to you.
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Love to hear such honesty about the journey that is the first few months of motherhood. The medicated comment made me laugh because I battled some PPD with my twins, and if I ever have another baby I will be much more ready for that craziness. Found your blog through the Blog Indiana conference schedule. 🙂
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