I have sat in front of my computer for the last several years watching people fight over breast vs. bottle.
My milk never came in with Addie and while I was always curious what die hard lactivists had to say about such a thing, I never got involved. Don’t poke the boob bears.
I always figured if I ever got pregnant again the boob issue would go one of three ways.
A) A repeat of my pregnancy with Addie leaving me so emaciated that my body would again be unable to produce milk.
B) They’d work like champs.
C) They wouldn’t work very well and I’d just lie to the Internet about them.
Never did I consider the fourth option…that my body would betray me yet again.
PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) can and does factor into milk supply. Never was it mentioned in any book that was recommended to me, article I read online or by any lactation consultant I talked to. It just happened to come up in a conversation with a nurse at the hospital during one of Vivi’s appointments that yes, PCOS can affect milk supply but no, she didn’t know how or what could be done about it.
Turns out I am part of a very (very) low percentage of women who will not only have trouble establishing a decent supply of milk for my baby, I will most likely be unable to maintain it for a long period of time. All because of PCOS. Something that kept me from getting pregnant in the first place.
I have been told that the loss of a nursing relationship must be mourned properly. Not that I’m ready to give up yet, I’m not going to. But I can understand why it is said the loss needs to be mourned. Some of the most magical moments so far in Vivi’s life have come when we’re curled up together and she’s nursing. I never understood why people thought breastfeeding was so wonderful, in fact there was a time I thought it was kind of gross.
But it’s not gross. It’s wonderful. And I feel so…angry?…cheated?…betrayed?
I don’t know.
I would just like to be able to pick my baby up, nurse her and have her be content.
Instead feeding her is a marathon of supplemental nursers, pumping, timing and various medications and herbs.
To be honest I’m very tired. This is very hard, simply feeding her has taken up my entire existence, which is fine because she’s so wonderful. And I know that no matter how she gets fed she will always be loved.
I thought the Internet has a lot of opinions on how to get a baby out…turns out there’s even more opinions on how to get milk to come out. Problem is, babies have to come out, milk does not.
making unbreakable - formerly moosh in indy. 
I had no idea PCOS affected it! I have PCOS & no one ever mentioned it to me. Then again, I adopted when they were teens 😉
Hang in there! Your baby is ADORABLE!!!
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Dude, lady that stinks. You deserve to catch a break in all of this! I admire you for sticking with it against all odds and I’m sorry it isn’t happening the way you want it to. But bright side? At the end of the day, you still get to be Vivi’s mom. 🙂
Also, boob bears? Hilarious.
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I have a good friend whose milk supply was pretty non-existent due to her endometriosis. And another with insulin-resistance which I hear mimics PCOS to a point. Proud of you for fighting the good fight!! I am a big supporter of breastfeeding, but my mom didn’t even try (gasp!!!) to nurse me or my brothers and she is still the best mom ever to have mommed. So, I agree with you – no matter how she gets fed, Vivi is a loved and lucky girl.
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Sending love your way, Mama. No matter what happens, there’s one thing for sure: your babies are so loved, and that’s all that matters. xoxo
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First, that picture makes me melt.
Second, I’m sorry for all the difficulties. How frustrating and sad, when you’ve already faced so many challenges just to get Vivi here.
Third, good luck.
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Oh. My. Word. That is the most precious photo ever!!! I love the faux hawk too! 😉
I hope that you are truly able to enjoy whatever you can. It sounds like you are and that is so wonderful. I’m sorry everything seems to be so rough for you in this area though. 😦
BTW, I have babies blooming all around me it seems. My best friend just had hers last night (and I got to visit and take pictures today, whooo!!!) and then I read on facebook that a childhood friend just had hers this afternoon! Plus there is a lady in my mom’s group also due any day!
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wha? Sorry I had to scroll down to get my baby fix. She is so cute and THE HAIR! 🙂 I think I might need one of those. She is so perfect. Ok, now I’ll scroll back up and read the post.
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Oh, sis.
I am awfully sorry you have to deal with this crap. Even more, though, I am absolutely in AWE of you. It’s tough, this nursing thing, no matter what happens.
And you? Have been dealt not a great hand.
Hoping your body kicks into high gear and nursing becomes easy and convenient by month two. And if not?
You’ll still have a sweet little girl. 🙂
And, dang, she is cute.
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awe… wow girl I know how you feel!! Ive had 3 boys and each and every time failed at nursing them despite my great desire to do so….
This last one was by far the hardest… I tried my hardest and cried so much… my boobs were bleeding and my baby wouldnt pee for days, cried for HOURS – yet i continued to do this because I did not want to let it go…
It was after 2 attempts at seeing a specialist who just didnt get why I wasnt producing… and then a night where my baby cried 4 hrs straight and then had to see a dr. because they thought his plumbing no longer was working… I just melted… and gave him a bottle… and I tell you what.. it was a bitter sweet moment with lots of emotions … but also joy in seeing my baby satisfied and happy… It was and still is hard to not be able to nurse him. He is 1 now… yet I have friends who are nursing their 1 yr olds and my heart breaks … yet at the same time I am so thankful and happy my baby is healthy and thriving despite…
Once I came to grasp with the fact I tried my hardest… and it was something I could not help, I got over it.. but I think its something no matter how long we mourn it not being there, that we will always miss and wish we had.
I will try a 4th time if we have more children… and I cant say it wont be just as hard and heart breaking if it doesnt work out then either… but I think whats important is that we tried… and that our love is so incredibly strong and deep for these babies that it does not matter.
Hang in there!! I know exactly what you are going through….
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Oh hun, you so deserve for this all to go perfectly. But you are right, no matter HOW she is fed, she is loved. You are a fantastic mom, gushing boobs or not.
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Despite the fact that my younger daughter just turned 7, I am still a mixture of bitter and devastated that my milk never came in for either baby. I don’t have PCOS, but did have all kinds of poorly-defined, vague “issues” (getting pregnant the first time took about 3 years and resulted in a stillbirth at almost 6 months) and I’m sure there was some connection. I also had hideous nausea and vomiting, throughout my pregnancies and lost weight (you could barely tell I was pregnant in fact, and both my (living) daughters were born at 36 wks). It IS hard to come to terms with not being able to breastfeed, and I know I wasn’t given the support I needed (my local equivalent of the Leche League actually told me I’d “screwed up” my elder daughter because I left the nurse give her formula, even though she was almost in a hypoglycaemic coma) and to be honest I struggled with a feeling of failure for a long, long time. Second time round WAS easier, and I abandoned all ideas of breastfeeding after a long, exhausting and fruitless month with much less guilt. But still some.
Now, my daughters are 9 and a half and 7, tall, healthy, bright, funny and beautiful and their baby days seem an eternity ago. I’ve “gotten over” that “failure”, but have never forgotten it.
Hang in there, you’re doing your best and that much-loved, adorable baby girl of yours doesn’t ask for more than that. Getting her fed is what matters most, not how she’s fed. Give yourself a break and enjoy her. Bottle feeding can be just as rewarding…
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I think no matter what the reason for it ending, you’re right that you have to mourn the end of breastfeeding. I did both times… and the reasons for the endings were different (though both related to Slacker Boobs for whatever reason) Just do what you can. I too contemplates for a few seconds lying to the internet about it 😉 just to avoid the judgey. But honestly I was pretty lucky, everyone was really supportive. As it should be.
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Sweetie, you do what you feel needs to be done. Everybody has their opinion about what “should” be done but those opinions should not make you second guess your decision or beat yourself up about this thing that you may not be able to control. A doctor told me once that any amount of breast milk, even just for a short period of time, provides benefits for both baby and mother. I also know friends who didn’t want to breastfeed and so they didn’t even try and their child turned out fine. As you said, the one most important thing in this is that she is loved.
You have my moral support for whatever you decide to do. If you keep trying, I will be a huge cheerleader. If you don’t, I will find articles that help you be okay with that. And Vivi is fantastic and gorgeous, no matter what!!
Xoxo
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Ummm you guys make the freaking cutest babies!!!! I’m so happy for you and Cody! Love ya girl!
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I had the WORST time nursing. Tomorrow I will hit the one year mark and I will be quiting. Nursing was the hardest thing I ever did in my life: 1. I’m a prude, I couldn’t do it in public. 2. I work full time and have since 4 weeks after Lulu was born. 3. I hardly produced enough milk so we supplemented (Thank God for free samples of formula and for my friends free samples – one of my friends lactates like a cow and it makes me so envious but I got her samples so it’s all good!)
Good luck whatever you are able to do and however you do it.
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Aw – I’m sorry! Nursing is so unique and special. I gave it up much later due to fertility stuff, but it’s still one of the parts of babyhood I miss most.
You’ve probably gotten a ton of suggestions so I hesitate to even say this… toss it like last night’s bath water if you want. But if you don’t want to fully give it up, could you use the SNS just with formula but still allow you to get some of the nursing experience? She could get most of the nourishment she needs from the formula and whatever extra she gets from you could just be bonus? That way maybe you could skip all the herbs and meds and pumping stuff and just have the nursing experience.
Having never used a SNS this might be insane – I don’t know how fussy they are to use.
Regardless of what happens next, I hope it all goes very smoothly for you both!
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Nursing a baby consumes your life even if you don’t have problems getting the ole pumps to work. It’s a time consuming process and no one ever tells you how hard it can be and how many things can go wrong. Have you tried a butt ton of fenegreek? That stuff worked wonders for me even if I did smell like a pancake. And don’t feel guilty if you tried your hardest and it didn’t work out. Sometimes that just happens. Hang in there. And thank you for making my eggs dance with that picture.
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Well, blech. I can relate in the since that I missed out on BFing my first (a plethora of issues, which led to me drying up). It was not fun for me the first time around. Anyway, I’m sorry. It sounds like a cruel double whammy.
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I’m sorry you’re having trouble but I have to tell you, she is so so so cute! I love that picture! Congratulations on a beautiful baby! I know it can be hard to not be able to do something you want to do, but keeping looking into her beautiful face, maybe it will ease the pain.
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Your lil girl is precious!
I am sorry to hear that your milk is not coming in. I love your attitude about it though, it is clear that you will do what is best for your babe!
I had no milk for either of mine and am still sad some days that I never got to fully and successfully nurse them. I do also know that it gave my husband chance to bond while feeding, and was the only decision for all of us to remain happy and healthy.
Good luck, and happy snuggles!
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You do have to mourn it. I’m so proud of you for trying so hard. I only successfully nursed one of my five despite all the herbs, pumping, rinse, lather, repeat stuff like what you’re doing. But at the end of the day, Vivi will grow and thrive and be a smart, beautiful little girl regardless of which type of nipple is in her mouth. Look at Addie!!! There’s your example living and breathing right next to you. Those moments of nursing and snuggling are some of THE MOST awesome ones in the world, so cherish them…but don’t make yourself too crazy chasing them. She loves you for more than your boobs.
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OH my gosh! She is so beautifully perfect! 🙂 That picture just gave me major baby-fever! 🙂 Sorry the nursing is going tough! Hang in there.
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You are one of the most loving humans on the planet. Addie and Vivi are so lucky you’re their mom. I miss you and wish I could smell that little baby head and hear an Addie giggle. And give you a hug. Having you for a mom is an amazing head start for those little girls.
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She’s perfect and so are you. Breastfeeding is great when it works, terrible when it doesn’t. (I’ve had both experiences.)
The thing is? You rocked it no matter what. You ARE and will continue to rock it no matter what. The bond comes from your love, not from your boobs. I can testify to this as someone who nursed one and not the other. (Not that you need to hear that, clearly you know this, but still. Sometimes its nice to hear. It was for me when I was pumping for hours on end with two ounce bottles to show for it. Solidarity, sister. Much love.)
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OH CASEY. I have been around the BLOCK with the nursing and the boobs. I have run the gamut from “no thanks” to feeling blissed out to be curled up with my baby nursing. Cate was all formula. Marty was all formula after a brief stint considering nursing. Jimmy was 9 weeks of bleeding, awful latch, low supply STRESS, then formula. Pete has been boobs all along.
I do love the nursing, but you know what I love most? The snuggling. The baby breath that smells like peaches. The cooing. And what’s funny is I have had that with ALL of my children, regardless of how they’ve been fed.
When I stopped nursing Jimmy, I mourned. And I was SHOCKED because it had been awful, so I was totally unprepared for the sadness and sense of guilt. But I quickly realized that it wasn’t the NURSING that was so magical, it was the stolen naps curled up with him next to me. It was the way he looked at me like I hung the moon.
So, mourn the nursing. But don’t beat yourself up. Vivi will THRIVE. Remember that you need to make good decisions for both of you, and if the nursing isn’t working, it’s ok to let it go.
-xo
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Oh, mama. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. I had supply issues, too, but nothing like you.
Vivi is lucky that you’re trying so hard – and whatever happens, she’ll be a happy, well-fed, much-loved baby.
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I struggled so much with breastfeeding. I pumped exclusively for my twins for 6.5 months. (Yes, adding that .5 matters to me. That was hard work, yo.) By all accounts, what I did was awesome…and yet I still struggle with feelings of failure and inadequacy. I’m still at the point where reading anything about breastfeeding forms a knot in my stomach. My girls would not latch. They just wouldn’t. So I never really got to nurse. I’m sad about that, for sure. And the whole infertility thing? Well, for me it just adds a whole extra layer to those feelings of failure. Oh goodie! My body fails at doing that woman crap yet again.
Anyhow…
You are awesome. No matter what. Breastmilk, no matter what people might say, isn’t magic. Nursing isn’t the only way to show your baby love. I can say with absolute certainty that, I’m bonded with my children just as well as anyone who nursed is bonded with theirs. At the end of the day, as long as what you do is done with love, it doesn’t matter how you feed your child.
Now? You just have to convince your heart.
Sending you love.
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Try not to worry. My mom was unable to nurse me. Mainly because I refused to be cuddled and held in the position to nurse. I insisted on facing out at all times. And I turned out just fine. My mom and I are very close.
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I didnt produce anything with my first. Nurses tried to make me tape ivs to my nipples so luca would think it was breast milk, while I pumped to try to get something to come in. I decided that, for me personally, feeding my child should not be that hard. So I gave him formula and that was that. It changed me, bc from then on when he cried bc he was hungry, I looked forward to feeding him, instead of feeling panicked. Not sure what’s gonna happen when I have this one. I may try. I may not. Depending on what head-meds I choose to take this time around.
So much luck to you. Whatever YOU choose will be just right. She is beautiful. And the name vivi holds a special place in my heart….
Hang in there. xoxo
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I’m sorry it hasn’t turned out how you had hoped with breastfeeding. (Anything involving kids never seems to go as we plan, does it?)
Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what to do when it comes to feeding Vivi, and you’ll make the best choice based on what works for you, the reality of your body, and her.
There are lots of opinions on what is best for feeding a baby, but ultimately what is best is a baby that is given enough nourishment to grow and thrive and given that nourishment with love. And no matter what, I think you’ll handle that just fine.
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Oh wow, this sucks!
With both babies, I always forced myself to focus first on feeding the baby, second on what the baby is eating. That thought seemed to eliminate a lot of stress for me, but it is easier said than done. And it feels unfair that the option was taken from you…
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Poor sweet Mama. Everything you are feeling is so completely justified. Just know that a single drop of breastmilk makes the world of difference. You are doing a wonderful job!! Cherish each feeding as if it were your last, have a picture of you nursing your beautiful little girl and take those memories with you even after the milk is gone. ((hugs))
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Sweet, sweet photograph.
I feel your pain but in a different way. I had challenges, too, and yes, the mourning. There’s a process you need to go through and you’ll go through it whenever you’re ready.
Until then, you’ve got a cheerleader over here in Chi. Hang in there…xoxo
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She’s here, and she’s perfect. And you are her mama, and however you feed her is fine. Yes, there will need to be mourning if breastfeeding can’t continue. But after that? Everything ELSE that you’ve got in you, everything that makes you an extraordinarily wonderful human being, is going to shape your daughter SO MUCH MORE over the course of her life than her first 12 months of breastmilk or formula.
That’s not to say the situation doesn’t suck anyway. But you have a lot of support out here. xo
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I have PCOS and did not know that it could affect milk supply! I was so upset when breastfeeding didn’t work for us.
I attributed my low supply to surgery I had on my left breast years ago but I didn’t think it would affect my right breast too. But the PCOS makes new sense!
Thanks for sharing your experience. It is always nice to hear other experiences!
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I am so sorry – I hate the whole breastfeeding struggle. I always thought as a kid that it just came naturally.
Here’s my story (if it helps) –
#1 – Nursed and struggled for 6 months. Baby had horrible reflux and I didn’t know b/c he was my firstborn. It was a painful, miserable experience until he quit on his own at 6 months and absolutely refused. I used to look jealously at the mom’s at church who just did it while I struggled nonstop to keep him on and drinking.
#2 – Adopted. No question ever of breastfeeding. Very happy to use the bottle. We bonded much much better than I did with #1 because that struggle was not there but I remember distinctly crying when she was 3 months old wishing I could breastfeed her. It was the strongest feeling in the world and came out of nowhere.
#3 – I had hyperemesis the whole pregnancy and could not breastfeed. I was very sad for about a week and then got postpartum anxiety and that became a nonissue because I was glad others could feed her.
I think you are right that it is something to be mourned. I hope that your milk comes in and you are able to do it but if not – take both your shirts off and be skin to skin with your baby while you give her the bottle. She’ll still look up at you with those adorable little eyes and think you are the best in the world!
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If I could I’d pass you the easy button and a magic wand. Best wishes to you and Vivi. Whatever works for y’all and keeps both of you healthy is the right path for your family.
Best wishes.
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I’m so sorry. I couldn’t establish breastfeeding. It killed me. But I tried, so effing hard, and I know you are too. It will all work out, ya know? And she’s absolutely precious in the meantime 😉
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She is absolutely GLORIOUS! No matter how she gets fed, she is amazing 🙂
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I absolutely agree, she is glorious!
@LibraryGirl62,
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Huh. So, when I was having trouble bf-ing my first baby, a lactation consultant asked me if I’d ever been diagnosed with PCOS. And I’ve never *officially* been diagnosed with it, but an OB/GYN told me in my early 20’s that I “probably” had PCOS. Then I had gastric bypass surgery, which makes obese PCOS patients mostly asymptomatic. But it would explain (a) why I had trouble getting pregnant both times, and (b) why I had no milk supply last time.
I’ve been pretty skeptical about the idea of nursing this time around. I’d really like to be able to breastfeed, and I figure I’ll give it a good try, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it like I did last time. But now I’m wondering if I should ask for domperidone (sp?) while I’m still in the hospital, just to see if I can get things moving along. (I had never even heard of it with my first baby, & nobody ever offered it.) Hmmm.
Thanks for posting this, because you’ve given me a lot to think about (and to discuss with my doctor). And I’m truly sorry you’re having a rough time.
P.S. You really do make some seriously gorgeous babies.
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Oh heavens, you are a champ. I tread lightly around this issue. I don’t produce. Much less for two.
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I had no idea PCOS could impact supply. I’m sorry for how frustrated you must feel. ::hugs:: Thanks for teaching me something new!
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I wanted to bf my oldest so bad…he would not latch – in fact literally screamed bloody murder when we tried. I was distraught. I pumped and pumped and then had a huge allergic reaction from my antibiotics.
While our reasons for troubles aren’t the same, know that you’re not alone. 🙂
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Ahhh…this post made me cry and I totally thought I was over it! I had my babe on Apr. 21st and nursing just didn’t work out this time for a number of reasons but mostly because the little stinker has a weird latch on and I thought I was going to die everytime I tried to feed him. There is something about not being able to nurse your baby that makes you feel…. less. I know that sounds crazy, but that is how I feel, anyway. Good luck to you with nursing and way to go for keeping at it this long!!
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Big hugs to you! If your milk doesn’t come in it certainly won’t be for lack of trying. Vivi and Addie are lucky to have you as their mama.
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I am SURE you have been given ALL kinds of advice on this subject. But, what the heck…take it or leave it I just wanted to give you what I know. I have PCOS, it took my 3 1/2 years of infertility drugs to get pregnant with my daughter. THEN what a slap in the face when my body failed me yet again and my milk didn’t come in. It threw me way into PPD, another failure since now I wasn’t even enjoying being a mother. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t be able to produce milk. So, basically the first few days of my daughter’s life she was getting almost no food! Anyway, she is now 18 months old and we are both fine. But, I worked very close with a lactation consultant because I just could not give up the breastfeeding fight. (to look back at it now, I probably should have and just enjoyed my daughter but oh well live and learn) anyway, since I have PCOS I thought I’d let you in on the supplement combo that allowed me to nurse my baby till she was 8 months old. Now, I did have 2 other people donating milk to me to supplement her. But, with all of these herbs and my stubbornness I was able to give her 2/3 my milk and 1/3 donated. So, what I took was a drug called “Domperidone” I also took and herb called “Goat’s Rue” that is especially good for glandular development with PCOS, in addition to that I took “More Milk Plus” a combo herbal liquid supplement. Also, I pumped a good amount to stimulate. It sounds like a lot, but it really wasn’t a big deal after I did it for a bit. And, I got to nurse my baby. If you want any info as to how to get any of these things, feel free to email me. Good luck girl! And even more good luck with the SNS. I literally chucked that thing across the room MANY times! You are a GREAT mommy!!!
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Looks like she’s thriving just fine. Kudos to you for all the hard work you’ve put into trying to breastfeed. You are a stronger woman than I!
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She is so beautiful. I’m sorry nursing isn’t working out well, and that it’s because of the same thing rearing its head again. Totally ready to listen to any mourning you need to do.
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I am so sorry that it’s not working out the way you want it to and I hope that changes. I am sending you good thoughts for milk production, sleep and peace.
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I am so sorry. I wish it HAD worked easily.
I never mourned not making enough milk for my firstborn. Instead I tortured myself with a pump for 10 months. I too felt betrayed by my body (and my monstrously big boobs that I always reasoned were worth tolerating because one day they would actually be useful for more than getting free drinks…). Nothing more to send to you than hugs. And a shoulder should you need it.
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