on growing big but never growing up.

Posted bycasey coombsPosted inToo lazy to label.

My Dearest Gramma Addie,

There are a lot of things in this world you don’t like. Candy, your curly hair, loud noises, balloons, loud laughter, the neighbor boy claiming he’s a vampire, spaghetti squash and Greek food to name a few. While you’ll try anything once (mostly because I force you to) it’s very rare that you’ll actually take to it, be it sheer force of will (which as my daughter I’m not surprised, the stubborn is strong in us.) or the fact that you are just that hard to please.

I gave birth to an elderly woman.

34 weeks.

Take for example your first trip ice skating this past Saturday. Your dad and I were ready for you to try once, throw a little fit, maybe force you around the rink once and demand to leave within 20 minutes. Expectations on our end? Low. An hour and a half and at least a dozen trips around the rink later? You bet I left with a flyer on ice skating lessons. You were so happy out there, I’m not sure how much the actual skating had to do with it. You had your dad’s undivided attention as he held you up by the scruff of your neck so you didn’t crack your head open. You also had my undivided attention as I froze from the sidelines. Amazed that your tiny little body that was inside me at one time was skating around the rink so fast your scruff holding father could barely keep up with you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much is going to change over the next month. You’re no longer going to be an only. Or a one. You’re going to be part of a pair. I’ve watched you over the last eight months grow into a big sister. Today at church you washed your hands and then offered your paper towel to a little girl who couldn’t reach. Last week you climbed into Miss Ami’s car to help Eden get buckled. And while we were in Chicago? You played peek a boo from the back seat with baby Viola until she was nearly gasping between giggles. I wish I could tell you how it feels to watch you grow up, and yet want so badly to keep you my little girl forever. The little girl that I have spent nearly every day of the last seven years with.

It’s pride and warmth and heartache all at once.

addie and i found a baby to borrow.

This morning I snuggled your little warm pajama covered body and buried my face in your curls. I wish I could hold onto you forever. Perfectly innocent, smelling of syrup and cookies. I’ve debated every morning for the last week if I should really take you to school because every time you get off the bus you come home to me older, and there’s only so many hours left before we three are four. You’re growing up. And in the next month you’re going to be doing a lot more growing up.

Some of it is going to be hard. A lot of it is going to be magical.

But I want you to know right now, in this very moment. Your are my baby girl, you always have been and always will be.

the moosh.

You are my heart.

50 thoughts on “on growing big but never growing up.”

  2. This is such a sweet letter. So are the pictures. I was attracted to your link on twitter because just today I posted on my blog about adults finding their inner-child. I fully support kids growing big but never growing up. Our kids will always be our babies!

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  3. So precious. I love the photo of her as a baby. And, as the mother of a little girl, still so new at all of this, I can totally relate to this growing up thing. Can I just hold her close forever, does she have to grow up?! 🙂

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  5. This post should have come with a warning, a disclaimer right at the top. It’s amazing, isn’t it? When our babies are the big kids, watching that transformation. There’s a lot of talk about mamas’ hearts expanding to love as many babies as they are lucky enough to have, but seeing your baby’s heart expand too is *something* I was kind of blindsided by.

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  6. What sweet photos and an even sweeter sentiment!

    And Addie, from one big sister to another, your big-sis gig is going to be AWESOME. Sure, some days will suck when you realize you now have to share being the center of the universe. But little sisters are the best gifts ever, and judging by how your mom just described you practicing your new duties, you are going to totally rock as a big sis. I’m so excited for you!

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  12. I cried all the way to the hospital when I went into labor with my second. It was the most bitter sweet moment of my life.

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  13. My baby girl turned 17 a couple of weeks ago. But the quickest she grew up? I left my husband with my 15 month old baby while friends took me to hospital (he had to take her home, put her down for her nap and wait for his mother before coming in) and then had a little girl come visit me the next morning. She was soooo big!

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  16. I am so excited for Addie!

    In a month, things are going to change forever. Your family will never be the same. And you are right, it is going to be magical. And hard. But mostly magical.

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  20. I am drenched with tears. This brought me back to the night I knew labor was starting and I was curled up in my then 8yr olds bed hoping that things wouldn’t change between us now that she would no longer be our only. I was terrified that things would change. They did, but only for the better.

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  23. Casey – This year my baby (also a Kaysie, just spelled differently) will walk down the aisle to her future. I remember vividly holding her when she was little, watching her sleep while she snuggled close and wanting her to stay that way, knowing she would not. Time changes, the feelings remain the same.

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  32. Call it pregnancy hormones, but my heart already aches with the wonder that the little one inside me is going to grow up. This is my first and I’m straining to savor every moment, always worried that I’ll forget the emotion of “this” moment. You’ve captured the heart of what I’m anticipating. Thanks for sharing.

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  39. I have never admired you more than I do after reading this. You are a rock star mom! There will be days they love each other, there will be days they hate each other but there will always be an each other. That is how sisters roll. My sister is almost 7 years younger than me and we are best friends now she is one of the best gifts I ever received!

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  40. I 100% understand this post. I have been keeping a journal and a photo book for my daughter in hopes that one day when she looks at them she understands just how much I have loved having all of this time with it being just she and I and that she will always be my first. I have no idea how to have 2 children. I hope I am at least slightly good at it.

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  41. Casey, I’ve been a reader of your blog for a long time but have never left you a comment before, which I am so sorry for. I love reading your blog, following your journey, and sending my support, even if you don’t know it. Now that I have my own little girl, this post touched my heart so much. You have a beautiful little girl and I’m so happy for you on the upcoming arrival of mozzi! And you reminded me today to cuddle my Bean a little closer and enjoy every single second I get with her. Thank you!

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  42. This post brought me to tears. A big reason is probably bc I just found out I was pregnant yesterday with my second. I spent all day letting it soak in, not sure of how it would change the dynamic our family of 3 has now. It hit me late last night that although it’s going to be hard to make that transition, our family will grow into the most complete, loving family of 4. And nothing can make me happier than that.

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  44. I’m a little sister and there’s just NOTHING like having a big sister. I also remember being DEVASTATED when the sibling after me turned out to be a boy. I so wanted a little sister. Addie will be a great big sister and Mozzi is ever so lucky to have been picked to join your family.

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  45. Oh man, knowing Addie now and seeing that first picture. It’s so perfect.

    I can’t imagine your struggle, but I’m so excited for you guys to get to the magical parts. Because those little girls, dude are they going to be loved. And they’re going to love each other so much.

    Cordoza

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  46. One of my favorite things about Addie is her sweet face when it looks all concerned as in the first picture and then when she smiles – it is so bright and huge. She just lights up a room when she smiles. Love her!

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  47. Hi Casey – I’m mostly a lurker, hardly ever a commenter, but I love your blog. Ever since the day you went public with your pregnancy, I’ve been cheering you on in my heart and in prayer. Thank you for sharing so much of your private self. You are an inspiration.

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  49. Beautiful. I remember such mixed feelings w/ my oldest…and even today they linger, sometimes mixing in w/ guilt when life gets so chaotic.

    Your first is always special…always your baby even when they become the big one…a beautiful letter and I hope you share it with her some day…Lovely.

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  50. Okay, thank you for making me bawl like an idiot. Well, to be fair, the baby is teething, which I think he’s been doing since he sprung forth from my loins, but I digress. The teething baby hasn’t slept in two days so I’m a bit wacky right now emotionally. But this was so beautiful, and having just had Ezra three months ago, with my oldest turning five in May, I so get this. Casey, you’re going to see so much magic in the next few months, it’s going to blow you away. And hopefully, the return of your bowel movements will contribute to said blowing away. My heart is so excited for yours.

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