Being pregnant and/or having a new baby puts a giant (GIANT) “PLEASE! JUDGE ME OPENLY!” sign on your forehead. And the backside of your birthing hips. And across your enormous pregnancy boobs. There also seems to be a flashing neon sign that radiates from your entire existence.
Why do you have a crib bumper?
She’ll have bad teeth if you use a pacifier.
In my day we would have never worn maternity clothes like that.
If you even so much as dip your toe in that hot tub your going to boil your baby.
Why are you taking medicine?
Why are you eating that?
You’ll be breastfeeding won’t you?
Why aren’t you breastfeeding?
Your baby will be fat if you use formula.
Don’t hold that baby too much, you’ll spoil it.
Your baby looks hot.
Your baby is going to freeze.
Your baby is hungry.
Your baby is tired.
You look tired.
You know it wouldn’t hurt to brush your hair.
Did you know you have stains on your shirt?
You’re not supposed to carry babies in slings.
Babies who spend too much time in strollers cry more.
Did you know your baby has a grenade?
WHY DON’T YOU LOVE YOUR BABY?
I just learned today that not only am I going to be suffering from premature cleavage wrinkles, my baby is also going to be born green and with a third eye because I didn’t spend $70 on a blanket. That’s a lot to handle before 9 am.
I want so desperately for my boobs to work this time around. I was so emaciated by the time I delivered Addie my body was not going to be giving up any more calories to sustain anything or anyone else but myself. Addie was formula fed after three long weeks of nursing, bottle feeding, pumping, brewers yeast, supplemental nursers, an almost devastating brush with Reglan and a La Leche league member who caused me to throw a phone.
Addie is not fat, she has no food allergies, no seasonal allergies, no asthma, she has had two ear infections in her entire life and aside from the weird little barfing thing she has? She rarely gets sick. She can count to 100 three different ways, can read better than I could at 8, has the fine motor skills of a surgeon and the coordination of a Manchester United goalie. (More or less, she gets a little clumsy during growth spurts, let’s be honest.)
This is a kid who was not only formula fed but was sustained through pregnancy on Gatorade, macaroni and cheese and IV’s. AND! She had a crib bumper.
I’ve done the best I could so far with that little kid and she’s turned out swell.
I think we’re all trying to do the best we can with these little lives that have been entrusted to us.
I have to have faith that my instinct with this next one is better than Nosy Nancy’s observations of what I’m supposedly doing wrong.
Besides, Nancy probably doesn’t even realize how awesome babies look with grenades.
making unbreakable - formerly moosh in indy. 
Especially if those grenades are shaped like really full diapers.
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I have that weird barfing thing too! Seriously. Been hospitalized a bunch for it. (I only sound excited because I don’t know anyone else with it.)
And yes, you’ll trust your instincts. We all do.
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The picture at the end makes the whole post 99.9% better.
My favorite judgey people are the ones who say, “I would never tell you how to, but…” or even better the ones that tell you a horror story to get you to change your mind.
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I clicked on the link for the blanket. Seriously?! There’s a market for that?
Pretty sure Mozzie will be fine even if you don’t spend that $70.
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This was exactly when I realized how many people will say stupid things to you. I perfected smiling and carrying on doing whatever the heck I wanted to anyways. And yes, ‘people’ includes my mother.
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Yep, yep, yep. You know what your baby needs better than anyone. You are her Mama, not the judgy mcjudgypants of the world.
Do your best, that is all any of us can do. And if your best includes formula, SO WHAT???
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As usual, you bring a smile to my face with your outlook on life experiences and the rest of your amazing wit.
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Amen sista…amen!!
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All three of my kids were formula fed and only one of them has an extra arm because of it.
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@Cecily R, LOL !!!!!
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I’m gonna laugh my ass off if someone sends you one of those blankets because of this post. That would be so awesome.
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dude, you have serious baby raising skillz. Addie is full of sunshine and magic and it’s because her parents rock. And? Her grenades are full of glitter.
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I get the “well, we didn’t do it that way and YOU turned out fine” from my dad. 🙂 LOVE that one.
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Luff.
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Sheesh, I had no idea I needed to protect myself from the evils of cleavage wrinkles. What will the nursing home aides say when they see my grotesque booby wrinkles someday?!
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Be honest – you just wrote this so I would be super compelled to buy that $70 blanket, right? I mean, it MUST BE THE BEST for that amount of money, right?
That’s it, I’m gonna go diving in my couch cushions. If I find $70… well, yeah, probably not. But I’ll check anyways.
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Are you friggin kiddin me? A pillow made to fit between your boobs?
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That cleavage pillow thing is so weird!
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I tell myself if heroine addicts can have normal children so can I. Too bad I created genetic mutations in 1:2 kids, & I don’t even smoke legal substances!
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I went looking for stove knob guards, the other day (we’re moving and the new stove is gas instead of electric, and the knobs are at the front instead of the back) and my GOODNESS! there are some obsessively over-protective safety products out there. Your $70 blanket (with accompanying $60 t-shirt or belly band!) would fit right in. Does anyone actually buy all this stuff?
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Amen! My Add was also formula fed and gasp had a bumper. I like to build in those survival skills early 😉
This post reminds me that I am starting this road all over again. We’re expecting this fall. Bring on the judgies… my hormones will eat them alive 😉
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Cleavage wrinkles. Snort.
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I started reading you when that photo was your avatar… it was what drew me to your blog, I remember it clearly. (Or maybe we didn’t have avatars back then? But I remember that photo being what I associated with you… Hmmmm….) ANYWAY, my kids had crib bumpers too (or they’d get their limbs stuck between the bars and wake screaming)… though they didn’t sleep in their cribs much until about 6+ months because (GASP!) we cosleep!
However you handle this baby, I’m sure she will turn out just as swell as her big sis.
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OH EM GEE! I cannot believe the boob and belly protectors!! Thank you, thank you for a good laugh!!!
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Damn you for being more eloquent and witty than I am.
But I totally agree you. Judgy people suck.
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The three weeks (in my case four) of the pumping, nipple shield, herbal supplement craziness of the first four weeks of my first child’s life–yep, sucked. The nurse asking me why I would want to stop nursing? Priceless. I only wish I could have seen her face when I ranted on that if I were nursing her rather than spending an hour and a half with the pumping, feeding, washing and sterilizing equipment, and then starting all over again in half an hour, then maybe I wouldn’t want to stop. Just think–at least this time, if you want, you can skip those awful first weeks of not nursing!
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I breastfed the first two. I couldn’t breastfeed this one (long story). And I am enjoying his babyhood MUCH more. Hopefully he’s not fat and sick a lot. 🙂
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This needs to be put on a poster! Just say no to Mommy Guilt! I would just hand the little bundle of joy off to those nosy nacnys with a full diaper after a bottle of formula and a good shake up! Then they would get it from both ends!
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It has always amazed me that people have the nerve, the guts, the gonads to tell anyone anything about how they’re raising their kid.
I think that’s when the ‘I can’t hear you’ mommy skill kicks in!
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I left the crib bumper on when I converted the crib to a toddler bed. It blocks her from the light socket.
WOW! $70 for that?? I used my laptop ALL the time, especially when it was nearly the due date. I’m lucky she has both her eyes.
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Thanks for that. I’ve been really hard on myself because my 6 month old isn’t on a schedule. I DO NOT know when her nap times are. They just are. If we’re home, I’ll put her down. If we’re out, she’s in her carseat. I’m the one who’s being the judgy judgerton about myself.
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Well, as you know, Carter has that weird barfing thing, too, and I breastfed him until last week (or until he was almost 3; my memory is a bit damaged by vomit-cleaning-chemicals).
Of course, I started him smoking crack before he was even a month old, so maybe that caused some problems? Hard to know since the crabby old bitches at the grocery never mentioned it.
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??Cleavage wrinkles? Those pictures were hilarious. I’m not sure if I have cleavage wrinkles or not…I guess if I do they blend in with all the stretch marks.
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best photo ever.
and i’m dying over the boob thing. seriously. dying.
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The first outing I took with all four kids was to the grocery store. One in the up-top seat, two in the racecar seats down below(thank heavens for those things) and the baby in a sling. A woman had the nerve to stop me and say, “You’re gonna kill that baby in that thing. I saw it on the news.” Had my 6 year old’s eyes not been glued on me and my response, I wouldn’t have been so nice…but I left it at, “Well, I managed to keep the rest of ’em alive”. I mean *seriously* woman! How else do you expect me to get four (count them 1-2-3-4) children into an out of the grocery store while keeping my sanity somewhat in tact? Ugh.
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Nosy Nancys don’t know anything. Go with your gut.
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My boobs worked the second time around. He hasn’t had any formula (though not form lack of trying… I’d LIKE a break, thank you), unlike his older sister who was starved at the breast.
I hope your boobs work this time around. And if they don’t (or you even just need a break), I promise not to judge you.
The advice I live by? “Go with your gut.” Mom knows best, right?
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You know you could totally use a pair of socks for a boob pillow and what you save there could go towards the blanket.
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Well you know what they say. Opinions are like a**holes … everybody has them.
And it’s honestly taken me having 3 kids to just smile ever so politely and just keep walking on. Though I’ll admit that I grumble under my breath …
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I get judged for choosing to bottle feed Eddie.
I never even tried breastfeeding because I didn’t want to.
And apparently that makes me evil.
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Just started reading your blog about a month ago! LOVE IT! My favorite was when my mother in law told me that my baby would stutter if I tickled him! (I have a 6 year old boy, and a 6 month old boy. About the same age difference of as your gilrs. I also suffered severe antenatal and post partum depression and anxiety and live in INDY!)
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Seriously people need to mind their own. I hate going to the store with all 3 of my kids, people LOVE to point out that I have my hands full. Really? Like I did not know that! You do what is best for you.
I hold my babies too much, I use a baby sling, and my babies have a crib bumper. As far as I can tell they are great kids!
As for the nursing. There herbal supplement called fenugreek you can get it at whole foods and it increases your milk supply. I used it and it really works. The downside is it makes you smell like maple syrup. Your hair, your natural body odor, your pee and sweat all smell like maple syrup. Not bad if you like syrup.
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Thank you for posting this! I’m due around the same time you are and I feel like choke-slamming the next person who comments about breastfeeding, swaddling, epidurals, everything.
I’ve never felt more judged in my life than when I went to a La Leche League meeting last month. Your blog and openness are a reminder that I’m a normal human being and will probably be a kick ass mom. So thank you again. x100.
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I’m pregnant too, and from one knocked up girl to another…I love you. You said exactly what is in my little hormonal heart 🙂
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I hate the judge-y people. I actually told one person who got pissy about me bottle-feeding my son that if she wanted to breastfeed, she was more than welcome, because my boobs couldn’t keep up. Shut the woman up right quick. 🙂 I’ve also said similar to one with my daughter, since it wasn’t that my boobs couldn’t keep up, my body couldn’t keep up with everything that was making my daughter projectile vomit.
*hugs*
The judgies are usually the ones whom you give the dirty looks to at the store because their kid is acting like an ass 😉
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The crazy thing? In 5 years, no one will care to even ask how often Mozzi was held, how she was fed, what blankets were used. Because it doesn’t matter. These same picky prent advice givers will move on to spewing comments about how much time childen should spend outside, what shoes are best, wen to introduce a new language, etc. But it honestly won’t cross their mind to see a well behaved, happy child and ask the mother, did you breastfeed? Because it doesn’t matter.
I know this, I was formula fed, and I am very healthy and happy.
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You forgot that you’re ruining their lives by blogging. Don’t forget that one.
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That blanket has to be the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen (right after the boob pillow anyway)! Because the evil radiation from the laptop can only harm the baby if it goes in directly through the belly. They should have just gone with the snuggie version and sold it for $170. They missed a huge opportunity there. Dumb.
The things people have the nerve to say never cease to astound me. Just like people asking me if Hubs and I are trying to have another baby. Do they want me to invite them over to watch? Because it’s none of their business! Just like it’s none of their business if you’ll be breastfeeding. I couldn’t believe how many people ask that so freely. Like they have any right to know what you’ll be doing with your boobs or your baby.
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Ditto on the judginess. Unless you are a medical doctor and my baby is bleeding (profusely) or unconscious, keep it to yourself!
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The one I got all the time was some lovely advice that because Kinsey kinda skipped over the crawling stage (she only kinda crawled for 2 wks then decided walking was better) that she’ll have problems with her fine motor skills. Apparently crawling helps fine motor skills. Well whatever cuz Kinsey is only 2 and can color in the lines. So there!
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Yes to this! The picture is the best. I had a lady pull up next to me on the highway because she thought my Haley’s head was leaning too much when she fell asleep in the carseat.
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