i am…

Posted bycasey coombsPosted ininfertility, pregnancy

Addie will almost be six and a half.

Cody and I will have been married a decade.

It has been almost a year since I became at peace with it never happening again.

so...

I’ve become that story I hated so much “Well I know this girl who tried for five years, she finally gave up and it happened.”

I know the physical ache that this has caused some of you to feel. Oh, how I know. And I hate that I caused it.

I’m no longer allowed to sit with the infertiles, even though I was a spokesperson and card carrying member for years. However I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to take my place on the other side either…I’m listening too closely for the shoe to drop.

Turns out that getting pregnant after so long comes with a whole new deluge of emotions. Ones I didn’t see coming. Ones even fewer people understand, let alone talk about.

Ones I’m in therapy for.

I’m done choking on all these emotions silently. Because I know if I’m choking? There’s hundreds more of you out there choking as well. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, I hate feeling alone. And if I have to be the first one to say it? Then so be it.

I am finally pregnant after almost five years of secondary infertility, and I’m scared.

I also know somewhere deep down inside there’s a reason people keep having babies and there’s a reason people get so excited at the announcement of a new pregnancy.

I’m going to have to go off that knowledge, and off your excitement until I’m there too.

413 thoughts on “i am…”

  1. This secret has been KILLING me!
    And then I have a migraine and miss the big announcement? Pppphtt. Oh, well…

    I am so, so happy for y’all Casey! The excitement will catch you soon…and you’ll be able to dream and think ahead. You’ll get there. Finally at 19 weeks, I’m beginning to breath a little easier(figuratively, not literally…holy cow! this kid is taking up a lot of room!)

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  3. I’m terrible about not commenting on blogs, but this certainly merits a comment. Congratulations to you and your wonderful family, and I wish you all the best best best!

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  10. Squeeeeeee!

    I wanted to comment on your FB, but it wouldn’t let me. I kinda get how you feel because I miscarried in March and it seems like I know a million women who have, also, so I’m kinda scared to get pregnant again.

    But still I say to you…

    Squeeeeeee!

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  11. I am so so deeply happy for you, Cody and The Moosh. Hopefully soon your fear will subside and you can just be joyful.

    It’s funny because the emotions are so similar with being paper pregnant. Fears of something going wrong, fears of losing the pregnancy, fears of all the unknowns – those are the same regardless of how you get your child after being infertile.

    Here’s to hoping for nothing but the best.

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  14. Aaaaaahhh!!! I’m so happy for you Casey! Congratulations!

    (I feel like a dork for being so happy for a complete stranger, but still…So happy for you!)

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  15. I am just plain happy for you – because it’s not so complicated from my seat at the table. But I do get complicated emotions & pregnancy going hand-in-hand… So I’ll just be happy in advance for the you who will be thrilled in the future.

    You will rock this, my friend… much love to you.

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  16. Ride on 368 comments (your current count as of now) worth of joy and happiness for you until you can be there for yourself. If you are looking for a good therapist…I’m seeing one now through LDS Family Services and I am IN LOVE with her. I would love to refer you if you are interested.

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  18. Another lurker comes out with prayers for a healthy pregnancy. I understand the fear. Please know that many MANY will be lifting you up in prayer. 🙂 And we are dancing with joy for you and your family.

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  20. I’m waaaaay late to the party, but my heart skipped a beat just then.
    I know it brings a new host of problems, but when you make such CUTE kiddos, it makes sense to have a few of them.

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  21. I am thrilled for you all!! Is it crazy to get all teary eyed with joy for someone you only know from stories and pictures shared online? I’m crazy happy for you. I will be sending you good wishes and prayers every day!!

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  23. You know, after I left blogland a couple of years ago I stopped reading most blogs, but have always had a few I keep up with – yours being one of them. I am so glad I did because I have read so many of your struggles to get pregnant and to see that picture just made my day for you. Congratulations, take care of yourself, and I’m sure as soon as you start getting big and uncomfortable you’ll be in a great enough place to complain like the rest of us – until then, hang in there.

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  24. This makes me so exceedingly happy! Wear your blinders baby. They block out things you really don’t want or need to worry about. Including the size of your caboose (sorry that one was a blinder I needed). NOTHING IS WRONG and I am so happy for you!

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  26. I am SO very happy for you!!!!

    I haven’t dealt with infertility, but I have dealt with losses. I became pregnant after my first loss and was a mess. Scared. Panic attacks. Is that ANYthing similiar to your emotions? I am asking because I don’t want to say something stupid.

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  28. I am sitting at my desk crying…tears of utter joy. I have never met you – have conversed only a couple times via email about the crippling topic of depression – your blog has helped me to smile on days I didn’t think it possible. You don’t know me. I know the part of you that you generously share with the world through your beautiful words and stunning photographs. And yet, I sit here, crying tears of amazing joy for you and your beautiful family. My faith in the universe stronger than it was 10 minutes ago – because of you. Congratulations Casey. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Much love (from a complete stranger…as weird as that may be). XOXOXO Thank you for sharing so much of you with us – and making my world a little more sunshine-y.

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  29. I admit that every time I click on your site I hope to see a “I’m pregnant” post. And even though I knew you’d accepted that you might not ever have another baby…I still expected to see that post.

    And today I did.

    Congrats to you and your entire family.

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  32. I have followed your blog for a while (always a ‘cyber stalker, never a commenter’ type of fan) but this post made me so excited and giddy for you that I had to say Congratulations!

    You’re lovely and I wish the very very best for you and the fam!

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  33. I don’t know if I’ve ever commented here before, but wanted to say Congratulations to you and your family. You have a whole lot of friends all over the place sending happy thoughts your way.

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  35. So very exciting. So very happy for you.
    I hope you have a uneventful pregnancy and are able to get past fears and worries.
    So many crazy emotions, all at once, all in different directions.

    I am pregnant too, due in March. It is a surprise! pregnancy, our fifth baby and brought many different emotions this time.

    Thinking many wonderful thoughts for you and looking forward to going though this “with” you.

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  41. I am SO happy for you! If I were closer, I’d give you a gigantic hug and probably jump up and down. Of course, that might be awkward if you were somewhere, like, oh walking around the mall and I snuck up behind you. 🙂 That’s fantastic news. xoxo

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  42. Judging by the number of responses, he or she is already one loved-so-much-it’s-rotten baby. 🙂 Congratulations to you and your growing family. This is the very best kind of news!

    I wish you the best of luck with therapy. Take good care of yourself. Your body and your budding baby need you.

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  43. I AM SOOOOO EXCITED FOR YOU!! I love your blog and your pictures! One of these days, I will purchase that one with the funnel cakes…yummm, love them funnel cakes. CONGRATS!!

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  45. WHOA…what planet have been living on that I missed this…HOLY BABY IN YOUR BELLY!!!!!! I am so so thrilled Casey. I have been hoping and hoping for you. Expect many hugs when I see you next week! XO

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  47. Holy cow…I step away from your blog and bam you go and get yourself preggers…lol! As the 400th comment, just want to echo, probably, the same sentiments already said. I prayed for you, dear Casey. Oh how I am happy for you. The prayers will continue.

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  48. Congrats to you and your family. I bet your older daughter is going to love having a baby to help take care of.

    Thanks for talking about this so candidly. It’s good for mothers to know they are not alone.

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