i am…

Posted bycasey coombsPosted ininfertility, pregnancy

Addie will almost be six and a half.

Cody and I will have been married a decade.

It has been almost a year since I became at peace with it never happening again.

so...

I’ve become that story I hated so much “Well I know this girl who tried for five years, she finally gave up and it happened.”

I know the physical ache that this has caused some of you to feel. Oh, how I know. And I hate that I caused it.

I’m no longer allowed to sit with the infertiles, even though I was a spokesperson and card carrying member for years. However I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to take my place on the other side either…I’m listening too closely for the shoe to drop.

Turns out that getting pregnant after so long comes with a whole new deluge of emotions. Ones I didn’t see coming. Ones even fewer people understand, let alone talk about.

Ones I’m in therapy for.

I’m done choking on all these emotions silently. Because I know if I’m choking? There’s hundreds more of you out there choking as well. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, I hate feeling alone. And if I have to be the first one to say it? Then so be it.

I am finally pregnant after almost five years of secondary infertility, and I’m scared.

I also know somewhere deep down inside there’s a reason people keep having babies and there’s a reason people get so excited at the announcement of a new pregnancy.

I’m going to have to go off that knowledge, and off your excitement until I’m there too.

413 thoughts on “i am…”

  1. I am so thrilled for you. I got goosebumps reading your post. I don’t think infertility ever goes away, regardless if you get pregnant or not. You’re always welcome on our side. 🙂 Hoping and praying for a happy and healthy 9 months for you!

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  18. I am a faithful reader but rare commenter… just HAD to say congratulations! I can’t imagine the mix of emotions you must be dealing with but will keep you in my prayers as you sort through all of this…

    so exciting!!

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  20. I would like to tell you I want to knit the baby something, but I know it will be five years before the little one actually gets it. So, instead, I will imagine a lovely cap on the little lovely one’s head. I will also imagine you embracing this time you are in and riding that wave of fear. It is okay to feel this way, but know that tomorrow offers an opportunity for you to finally celebrate what you have desired for such a long time. Blessings to you and your family, Casey. And, know that you are being lifted and take a little bit of my joy, because it is overflowing right now as I embrace this road of divorce I am on. Be full of joy and know that you are being showered with love and blessings…and eventually a little knitted cap for the babe.

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  27. Congratulations! Everything that you’ve written brings back what I felt when I finally got pregnant with my son. He and my oldest are 4 years apart. I was happy and extremely nervous all at once; I think it’s ok to feel that way. Cheers to you and your family!

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  29. I saw this last night but didn’t have a chance to comment…was on my iPhone. Ironically it was because Backpacking Dad was talking about it…

    O-M-G….seriously soooo happy for you!!!!

    I literally cried in happiness…you have no idea how crap like this makes me an emotional mess.

    It took over 18 months to get pregnant with my son so I understand, and that was after taking some medications.

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  32. You know exactly how excited I am for you. It is flat-out vulgar. 😉

    Remember when I announced I was pregnant with Olive? I waited forever because I thought I hadn’t wanted a third child and was not as excited as I owed her to be. (And I KNOW you wanted this baby like icing on cake.) It was utterly complex how I felt and it took a while to resolve.

    Of course she’s gorgeous and brilliant and hilarious and endlessly worth it. But that didn’t happen when the stick said “Tell me about that plan of yours again?”

    More than anything, more than your love for this baby, more than how it will grow the heart of your husband more than you could imagine… this baby will bring magic out of Moosh. Love you, babe.

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  35. Words cant express how much joy this news has brought to my day. I’m so ridiculously happy for you!

    So here’s my idea: when the time comes lets have one big old baby shower LIVE and in person. You can host about 200 of your internet friends right? It will be one big old love fest dedicated to you and Moosh 2.0. How could you resist that ?

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  38. “I’m no longer allowed to sit with the infertiles…”

    Wait, WHO says you’re not allowed? Lemme know so I can kick their ass.

    It’ll be a happy, joyful kicking, though — I am thrilled for you!

    Congratulations.

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  39. WOW at all the comments already!!

    What an awesome, awesome blessing. I am unbelievably happy for you, Casey!! I’d give you a big ol’ hug if we weren’t states away. 🙂 I will pray that you will continually rely on the Lord, trust in his plan, and find strength and comfort in Him. You are such an awesome momma – He obviously knows that! 🙂

    Also, I am already anticipating cuteness overload… evidence: Addie. I can’t wait!

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  40. We’ve never met and yet I read your blog all the time. I have come to love and look forward to your humor and wit, your courage and ease of talking about issues that aren’t so easily talked about. I am SO happy for you and your family I can barely stand it 🙂

    All the best,
    From a dedicated fan

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  41. Congratulations!

    Please don’t let anyone tell you how you can feel about this.

    I may not have gone through the same thing as you, but I have gone through 2 unexpected pregnancies and I know that while it feels like everyone is telling you you’re supposed to be happy, I found out that most people go through some sort of phase in their pregnancy where they feel awful, terrible, and not happy at all.

    It may be complicated by circumstance or just a loathing of your swollen feet, but so many women go through that moment.

    Just know at some point those feelings will change, and when you look at your baby for the first time-what side of the bench you sit on will become completely irrelevant.

    So live off the fumes of our congratulations, and tears and happiness for now, eventually you’ll get there.

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  42. Oh Casey! Why am I crying for someone I’ve never even met? That’s the wonder of the internet, I guess. Just look at all those comments above mine. Just look at all those people who love you like I do! I am so happy for you I could burst! I’m with Backpacking Dad up there: Hot Damn!!!!!

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  46. Casey: I have been reading your blog for three years when I myself was in the deep thrones of infertility. It took me 5 years to get pregnant and then got pregnant again 6 months afterwards. I am happy for you and I can appreciate your fears. Congratulations, I wish your family well.

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  50. Wow – congrats!

    I am sorry that infertility has stolen your ability to be excited. With my pregnancy with my daughter, it was a long time before I was able to feel anything but bitter and angry. I spent over half my pregnancy waiting for another miscarriage. But I finally did relax some (never completely) and enjoy the end of my pregnancy. I hope you get there sooner rather than later.

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