i am…

Posted bycasey coombsPosted ininfertility, pregnancy

Addie will almost be six and a half.

Cody and I will have been married a decade.

It has been almost a year since I became at peace with it never happening again.

so...

I’ve become that story I hated so much “Well I know this girl who tried for five years, she finally gave up and it happened.”

I know the physical ache that this has caused some of you to feel. Oh, how I know. And I hate that I caused it.

I’m no longer allowed to sit with the infertiles, even though I was a spokesperson and card carrying member for years. However I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to take my place on the other side either…I’m listening too closely for the shoe to drop.

Turns out that getting pregnant after so long comes with a whole new deluge of emotions. Ones I didn’t see coming. Ones even fewer people understand, let alone talk about.

Ones I’m in therapy for.

I’m done choking on all these emotions silently. Because I know if I’m choking? There’s hundreds more of you out there choking as well. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, I hate feeling alone. And if I have to be the first one to say it? Then so be it.

I am finally pregnant after almost five years of secondary infertility, and I’m scared.

I also know somewhere deep down inside there’s a reason people keep having babies and there’s a reason people get so excited at the announcement of a new pregnancy.

I’m going to have to go off that knowledge, and off your excitement until I’m there too.

413 thoughts on “i am…”

  1. I don’t feel bad that I’m like the 200th commenter. Because I have a feeling I was more like one of the first to get a The Call.

    This whole deal means a lot to me. A big prayer answered.

    We will get you through this.

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  2. I am thrilled for you, and though I haven’t had to walk the infertile road myself, I’ve walked alongside my sister and best friend while they have. And just two days ago, I got to hold my new niece, a miracle. My sister had a hard time getting used to the idea and being excited about having another baby, but I couldn’t believe the happiness in that hospital room on Sunday.

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  5. This is big news… I have been reading your blog for some time but never comment but for this news I had to come out ofhiding to congratulate you….very happy for you!

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  10. Well, I see you’re conflicted. But then I look at your luscious photos of children and families and I KNOW you’ll be fine and CONGRATULATIONS on another addition to the family…your little moosh won’t be an only child after all, which is GREAT! Wait ’til you see how great it is to watch their relationship bloom. It has been so very gratifying and entertaining for us…with our THREE children!

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  11. Congratulations and so many good thoughts, wishes, hopes and much more coming your way. What a great piece of news to get this morning!

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  12. I am a fellow Indy Mom who has been reading your blog forever. I just choked on my coffee. WOW! So Mooshinindy is gonna get a new name.May I suggest Mooshes inindy? I’m just sayin.

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  13. Casey, my heart is so happy for you. You know, having No. 2 was rough emotionally; so wanted, so feared, so hard to imagine loving another. I can’t even imagine the chaos that infertility can add to that storm.

    You’ll get there, and we’ll all be here with you. Take good, good care of you.

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  18. CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU! This is such amazing, amazing, wonderful news. I can imagine all the emotions you are feeling. You will be fine. You’re always a wonderful mom. You’ll be amazing this time, too. xox

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  20. When I saw the picture in my blog reader I got teary eyed. It might be hard to enjoy this time because you’re scared of so many things. I really wish you a TON of health and happiness. What a great way to start my Tuesday. ❤

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  22. Another person de-lurking to say congrats! And I live in Indy too, so I really feel like I know you though we’ve never met. 🙂 My kids are 5 years apart, thanks to 3 miscarriages, so I totally get being afraid rather than excited for a pregnancy. It sucked enough that I’ll never consider a third child. And it does go away, somewhere around week 30. On the other hand, the age difference has worked out better than I could have ever hoped for. I wish you the feeling of “complete” that our littlest brought our family. It’s truly awesome. Can’t wait to hear about the journey!

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  32. Congratulations beyond congratulations! I’m so excited, happy and terrified for you. I’ve never commented before but I feel such a connection to your journey that the sight of that clear blue test made me tear up at work. Wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months and sending truckloads of sticky-baby dust your way.

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  35. I am seriously, SERIOUSLY thrilled for you, Casey! For some reason, even when you talked openly and bluntly about giving up, I was not able to give up hope for you. My new hope for you is that you can slowly, carefully allow yourself to relax into this pregnancy, that you can start to trust that your body can and WILL do this, and that you can enjoy some aspect of this journey long before they place that sweet babe in your arms.

    Also, I can’t WAIT to hear more details! When are you due? How did you find out? How did you tell Cody? How did you tell Addy? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

    Congrats, my dear. I’m thrilled for you!

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  36. hooray, congrats, casey!

    i am happy for you and happy to be excited for you until you are happy and excited too.

    i had to live off the fumes of others’ enthusiasm for this (current) pregnancy (my second) until i hit about 20 weeks. for different reasons perhaps, but still.

    big huge hugs to you.

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  37. SO very happy for you!

    I’m a secondary infertility success story. My first daughter was born when I was 36. We had some trouble getting pregnant, so for our second we went straight to intrauterine insemination, which is how it happened the first time, after two tries.

    Well, eleven IUI’s, one miscarriage and an exploratory laparoscopy later (they found nothing wrong), I FINALLY got pregnant! I had Charlotte the month after I turned 40. Totally normal pregnancy and delivery, no complications.

    Madi Rose is now 18 and Charlotte is 14. I thank God for them every single day.

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  38. i am so so happy for you. i know you have struggled with this, and so many have felt your heartache. Now so many are rejoicing for and with you.

    big HUGE congrats. And prayers for you, that you will feel at peace with this blessing and that you will in turn bless many through it via your understanding and having “been there”…

    Congrats.

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  39. Wow, congrats. I have no idea what it’s like to wait for a baby. But I do know what it’s like to wait for the other shoe to drop.
    Our first was born 10 weeks premature and before I got pregnant with the second, I had a month where I acted pregnant and then had a heaby period (not sure, still, if I miscarried). So with the second pregnancy, I was scared, of miscarrying, of premature birth, of trisomy 18, of lots of things. My mom, a midwife, gave me sound advice. She said because everything is ok and normal so far, act and think as though this is a normal and healthy pregnancy, until something happens to change that. I was able to relax somewhat after that and feel a bit better. But I celebrated every milestone, including being pregnant in week 31.
    Excited and praying for you, too.

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  42. I’ve been unplugged…unconnected…out of the loop. But I am…crying real tears of pure joy. And I know you’re scared. ((hugs)) I will pray for you and all of yours every day.
    Love.

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  46. omg! omg!
    yay! (and whoa… crazy emotions AND hormones?!? sit down and breathe, you!)
    i so knew it. don’t ask me how, but i did. i am so excited for you.
    isn’t the universe cheeky?!

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  47. Good news travels fast! You’re burning up the Internet with your amazing news! Life has a way of never letting you get comfortable with what’s going on. Here’s to an easier adjustment than you expect regarding your pregnancy…once the shock wears off. Get down with your bad (pregnant) self! 😉

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  48. You know I don’t cuss, right? Not often, anyway. Given that you don’t either, it strikes me as funny that my very first thought was F**K, YEAH! Except, you know, without the little stars.

    SOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU!

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