i am…

Posted bycasey coombsPosted ininfertility, pregnancy

Addie will almost be six and a half.

Cody and I will have been married a decade.

It has been almost a year since I became at peace with it never happening again.

so...

I’ve become that story I hated so much “Well I know this girl who tried for five years, she finally gave up and it happened.”

I know the physical ache that this has caused some of you to feel. Oh, how I know. And I hate that I caused it.

I’m no longer allowed to sit with the infertiles, even though I was a spokesperson and card carrying member for years. However I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to take my place on the other side either…I’m listening too closely for the shoe to drop.

Turns out that getting pregnant after so long comes with a whole new deluge of emotions. Ones I didn’t see coming. Ones even fewer people understand, let alone talk about.

Ones I’m in therapy for.

I’m done choking on all these emotions silently. Because I know if I’m choking? There’s hundreds more of you out there choking as well. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, I hate feeling alone. And if I have to be the first one to say it? Then so be it.

I am finally pregnant after almost five years of secondary infertility, and I’m scared.

I also know somewhere deep down inside there’s a reason people keep having babies and there’s a reason people get so excited at the announcement of a new pregnancy.

I’m going to have to go off that knowledge, and off your excitement until I’m there too.

413 thoughts on “i am…”

  2. guess what, that was the wrong link. whoops. anyway, the point is that i was scared every effing day… literally. but baby henry’s asleep next to me regardless. so i guess it works out. and i’m praying it does for you too, which it will.

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  17. Casey my sweet, sweet friend I am so happy for you! I am literally in tears and not because of the reason you might think. Yes, I’m totally jealous, but I’ve read along with all of your posts all these years now, and I have prayed for you too. And it brings so much hope to me.

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  20. I actually gasped out loud when I read this – I’m so thrilled for you.

    I’m new to your blog (you made such a great impact on me at BlogHer with that gorgeous smile and super friendly ways) but you deserve such great joy – congratulations!

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  30. I love your blog, but usually never comment. I have to tell you though, how so so happy and excited I am that you are finally pregnant! Hooray!! I was so surprised to see this post today!

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  31. Didja feel that?! Kind of a thunderous bomp dee dee boh bomp? Yeah, that was my ass …. my large chunka 2nd baby real estate …. shakin for you. I.Am.Tha-Rilled.For.You!

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  32. I am beyond stoked for you and your cute family. Addie is going to be a great helper.

    Can’t wait to hear all about this new addition!!

    Hugs, Kisses, and lots of good vibes being sent your way!

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  40. Oh Casey!!! I am so so so happy for you!

    I do know that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop though. After an easy first pregnancy I then had a year of unsuccessful trying complete with 2 miscarriages (the second after we’d told everyone). When I finally got pregnant again it was hard to be excited for quite awhile. I didn’t want to tell anyone or get too attached. It’s a form of self-preservation.
    It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be worried. I know you do, but try to focus on today and not all the “what-ifs” because all the things you think will never happen, but something else probably will. You can’t prepare for everything! Only God can do that!
    And I pray that you don’t get sick at all!
    XOXO

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  43. I am too! Except not with a baby. Just with gas.

    P.S.>> I can’t wait to snuggle the new baby and spend time playing rock-paper-scissors with the moosh 1.0. Unless Addie makes up the rules. Then it’s more like rock-paper-scissors-sand-and the occasional water balloon.

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  46. I saw that picture load up and started bawling. And then Nate wanted to know what I was crying about, and when I told him this person I know online is finally pregnant again he looked at me like I have a 3rd head. Because, y’know, a 2nd head is normal. LOL

    So, so, SO happy for you….

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