i am…

Posted bycasey coombsPosted ininfertility, pregnancy

Addie will almost be six and a half.

Cody and I will have been married a decade.

It has been almost a year since I became at peace with it never happening again.

so...

I’ve become that story I hated so much “Well I know this girl who tried for five years, she finally gave up and it happened.”

I know the physical ache that this has caused some of you to feel. Oh, how I know. And I hate that I caused it.

I’m no longer allowed to sit with the infertiles, even though I was a spokesperson and card carrying member for years. However I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to take my place on the other side either…I’m listening too closely for the shoe to drop.

Turns out that getting pregnant after so long comes with a whole new deluge of emotions. Ones I didn’t see coming. Ones even fewer people understand, let alone talk about.

Ones I’m in therapy for.

I’m done choking on all these emotions silently. Because I know if I’m choking? There’s hundreds more of you out there choking as well. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, I hate feeling alone. And if I have to be the first one to say it? Then so be it.

I am finally pregnant after almost five years of secondary infertility, and I’m scared.

I also know somewhere deep down inside there’s a reason people keep having babies and there’s a reason people get so excited at the announcement of a new pregnancy.

I’m going to have to go off that knowledge, and off your excitement until I’m there too.

413 thoughts on “i am…”

  16. congratulations caseymoosh 🙂 i love your bravery and already am looking forward to hearing your heart as you walk this path. Glad to be able to rejoice with you today! I love you!!!

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  19. BIG CONGRATS! It took us more than 2 years to conceive our third child. I felt very alone and selfish for wanting a third when so many can’t have one, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Pain is pain. Secondary and tertiary infertility is still a valid pain. Others will be jealous, but you also offer some shred of hope…they won’t admit to the last part because of the jealousy. Don’t let that sway your joy in the least.

    CONGRATS! CONGRATS!

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  20. you know i’m happy for you. and i cannot wait for you to be happy for you. i never dealt with infertility, but have gone through depression during pregnancy, and it sucks donkey balls. here for you wheneva.

    xo

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  21. You’ve got an internet worth of people excited for you. You’ll get there when you get there.

    Until then, I’ll be over here quietly excited and ready to hold back your hair if you need it.

    Love you.

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  24. Casey –

    We struggled with primary AND secondary infertility. I was the same story. Eight years after my two boys of waiting, finally giving up and being okay with it. Then getting pregnant. It took me the whole pregnancy to deal with it. I was a mess. But oh how I love my boy!

    Congrats –
    Wendy (Cody’s cousin)

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  26. Shut. Your. Face.

    I just squealed out loud. I can’t even begin to imagine all the emotions you have been through. Wow. Just wow.

    Congratulations! How long until we get to see the amazing baby photos?

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  33. I’m going to swear all over your blog with joy.

    I just can’t contain myself. I’m going to swear and it’s going to be shocking and people will say “Casey, you should really moderate your comments” and I won’t care because I am so happy for you that the profanity just leaps out of me.

    Any second now.

    Here it goes.

    Hot damn.

    Hot damn!

    Hot damn hot damn hot damn!

    The world needs more exclamation marks because my brain just ate them all in its damn excitement.

    Hot damn.

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  34. Oh, wow! Congratulations! Secondary infertility sucks (personal anecdotal evidence). Beating the odds? A beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL miracle.

    Good luck with all that you’re going through!

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  36. I won’t lie. It’s really hard to hear your news.

    But I am very glad for you, in a deep, not-skippy-silly-yay, just low and quiet and calm. So that in case my low, quiet, calm self will translate to your pregnancy being strong and safe and happy.

    I’m really glad for you, Casey. I wish you — so so well.

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  43. So happy for you! Wishing you only an uneventful and standard pregnancy.

    I’m here for you if you ever need anything. (Including the “IS THIS NORMAL?” questions.)

    Congrats!

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  44. NO EFF’ING WAY!! (except I know we dont say eff’ing, but really I just mean eff’ing not the other word..oh dear.. I just made you think of the other word..)
    So um.. CONGRATULATIONS!
    SO happy for you guys..

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  45. That sounds so weird, what I said. I left out a word in the bumpy sentence. It was supposed to say something like “so that, just in case, it will translate.” or something. I don’t know exactly.

    I am really glad for you. Heart-glad.

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  46. Casey, that is supremely wonderful. Being an IVF guru… I may well have been one of those people who toldjyaso in a comment, but I don’t remember. OFten I see that giving up gets people knocked up. Point is, this is great.

    Re: fear during pregnancy after secondary infertility… i hear you.

    http://ijustworkhere.typepad.com/i_just_work_here/2009/08/if-i-werent-so-tired-id-be-so-scared.html

    the fear goes away when you’re ready to die from being pregnant GET IT OUT kill me.

    can’t wait!

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