There isn’t much else out there like infertility. There’s no outward signs of it, it is both isolating and humiliating, many times there’s no logical explanation for it and most of all? Everyone has their own opinions on it.
“Don’t give up hope!”
“You worry about it too much, just relax, it will happen!”
“I had this one friend who couldn’t get pregnant and then…!”
Those of us who are left with no babies have learned to smile through these comments. Or at least stuff the pain in our hearts that results from hearing these comments deep down where they won’t offend those naive enough to say such things. Other times we turn to our most trusted girlfriends or partners and we rant, rave and cry through the reminder that something about our parts doesn’t work right.
It is a right and a priviledge as a woman to bear children. Sure boys can pee standing up, but we? WE CAN MAKE PEOPLE. Well, some of us can. And when that ability to make people is taken away? We’re left feeling like this strange middle gender, with boobs and periods, but no babies and certainly unable to pee standing up.
Knowing that my body worked at least once, that it made a perfect little person adds to the frustration. Imagine banging your head against a wall over and over. Finally a million dollars falls out of the wall. Hooray! Of course you’re going to keep banging your head against the wall, of course it hurts and it’s frustrating and it consumes your every thought, but for the chance at another million dollars? BANG BANG BANG! And no matter how much anyone explains how illogical it is to keep banging, or maybe to try another “get a million dollars” tactic, you’re going to keep banging until YOU are ready to stop.
Although I’m not sure anyone is ever really capable of stopping. The urge to try that wall just one more time…maybe this time it will work…that urge will always nag, somewhere.
Silly little things can set off the deep stabbing hurt of infertility. The swollen belly of a stranger, a facebook status update, filling out Kindergarten admission papers and having to leave the “other siblings” column empty, even buying a new car.
There isn’t much I can say about infertility that hasn’t already been said by other brilliant voices on the topic throughout the Internet.
But I can say this.
I have braved the trenches of the completely hideous emotions that result from the bitterness and anger that I allowed to overtake my heart and mind when I was deep in them. I was blinded by jealousy and anger. Some of the more mild thoughts were “Why her and not me?” “She can’t even take care of the other kid she has.” then they became more intense “Another one? Really? Does she even realize her other kids aren’t that great?” to the worst, I was actually happy when someone had a miscarriage.
Me.
Happy about a miscarriage.
“That’ll show her! Teach her to talk about her pregnancy so much!”
I’m ashamed that I ever allowed a thought like that to pass through my mind. I don’t care how much I hurt at the time, her pain was not about me. It never will be. The Casey who thought those thoughts deserved to lose friends. She was going rotten from the inside out.
Any difficult life situation will cause unavoidable thoughts to pop up in someones head. And just as we can’t keep a bird from landing on our head, we can very well keep it from making a nest while it’s there.
To those of you who have to watch a friend struggle with infertility, the truth is that there isn’t much you can do aside from be a friend. You will never be able to fix her (well, unless you’re a brilliant, brilliant doctor or a genie) but you can listen. Understand that there will be times when your friend is ticked off, but it’s not about you. And there comes a point where if she makes it about you? You need to set her straight. It’s not your fault you can get pregnant and she can’t. You shouldn’t have to change who you are or what your dreams and goals are in life to accommodate the ugly and hurt feelings of another. I can promise you that it’s hard as hell to work through a relationship where this is an issue, but in the end? It’s worth it.
To you others dealing with infertility, especially if you’re in an ugly place, don’t alienate your friends. It’s not their fault if they can and choose to get pregnant. Imagine if your positive test finally came and you called your friend up. How would you want her to react? Angry and distant because you finally got what you wanted? The truth is, your closest friends, and many others around you aren’t afraid of difficult pregnancies or what their insurance will and won’t cover. They aren’t worried about where a baby will fit into their lives and schedules, they are worried about telling you. They are scared to death of hurting you. They are frightened that they are going to lose you as a friend.
So they keep it a secret from you for as long as possible. Sometimes you find out from other sources and the hurt is magnified. But they didn’t keep it a secret from you to hurt you, they kept it a secret because they didn’t want to hurt you.
No matter when you hear it, it is going to hurt. I’m sorry, it is. But the amount of time it hurts will lessen and dull, and eventually jealousy and hurt won’t even be your first reaction. Please don’t take it out on your friend, they will hopefully understand that you may need some time to work through your emotions, work through them as best you can and support her as best you can, you would want (and dare I say expect) the same if the roles were reversed.
As for the friend facing that phone call to tell someone that you’re pregnant? You’re going to have to take a Band-Aid approach. Do it quick. Yes. Your friend is going to feel it. Sorry about that. Remember it’s not your fault. But trust me when I say writing that email or making that call when you think about it is much better than her finding out weeks later through a friend of a friend, because that’s the equivalent of pulling that bandage off millimeter by millimeter, hair by hair.
Infertility is just another thing that we’re all going to have to learn to get along on. Rarely, if ever, is anyone ever going to understand both sides. Love, patience, understanding and forgiveness are all going to have to be at the forefront of everyone’s mind.
Cupcakes, fruity drinks with umbrellas and stupid movies with vampires don’t hurt either.
making unbreakable - formerly moosh in indy. 
Casey, I love you so much my heart hurts.
XOXOOXOXOXOXXOXO
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Dear, sweet Casey. There just seem to be so many different ways to make it hurt to be a human being. I am so sorry that that one has been visited on you. But that said, your sweet little daughter is so very lucky to have you – and you to have her. I wish you Peace.
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Dear Casey – I am a constant “lurker”-but I have only commented one time. This post just makes me ache for you. Life is so unfair. You and Cody are GREAT parents to Moosh and would be great parents to many more. You look around and see all of these people who shouldn’t even be having kids have a dozen. After our miscarriage – it took me 6 months of trying to get pregnant again (to you, I am sure this seems like about 5 minutes, but to me it was an ETERNITY)-although I can’t claim to understand what you are going through, this 6 months gave me a tiny “view”-and it was absolutely awful. I became bitter and hateful. I lost friendships, I hurt people and they hurt me, and I even began avoiding situations where I might see a pregnant stranger. You are so strong. I wish and pray that you will get or have another child-but no matter what, I just want you to be as happy and satisfied as possible. Thanks for being you!
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I am one of the few who understands both sides. Years of infertility and then, like magic, my parts started to realize what they were there for. Three children later and I still vividly recall the ache and the pain of not having them. I understand what it feels like when I have had to tell and infertile friend that I was pregnant (finally!) (again!). I’m so sorry you have to go through this, Casey. I wish I could take your pain away. But I am glad that you have reached a detente of sorts with it. It’s the only way to forge ahead. Love you.
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Hi Casey. I don’t think I’ve ever commented here before but I feel compelled today. My best friend confided to me recently that she has been TTC her first baby for 9 months. I think I might have said some of those dumb things I shouldn’t have. I know she feels some of the things you described here. I just wanted to thank you for opening my eyes a little bit to her perspective so I can be a better friend to her on this journey. Thank you.
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Fellow infertile here. You said that so perfectly.
I am moving to Indy in March… I kinda want to be your friend. 🙂
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A well written post, thank you for sharing your perspective on this. My thoughts are with you…
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I’m in a weird in-between place where we’ve been trying to get pregnant for a year now, with no babies, but I’m not quite ready to admit that there’s a problem & seek medical help for it. I believe one might call this denial? I keep chalking it up to “oh, bad timing, better luck next month.” Or my personal favorite: “Dave just quit smoking 2 months ago, I’ll bet that’s what was slowing down his swimmers!” (It helps that I have a cartoon visual for this, of strong healthy clear-lunged sperm versus the gray-faced sickly sperms puffing on cigarette butts and coughing. It makes it more fun for me to think of it that way.)
Meanwhile, it seems like almost everybody I know is suddenly pregnant or has just had a baby. It’s starting to get to me. But I still don’t want to go talk to my doctor about it. Ridiculous, right? But there you have it.
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Thank you for taking the time to write this. As a very fertile woman with too many friends struggling with infertility, this post is helpful and eye-opening. I appreciate that you have humbled yourself and admitted to your own missteps in this difficult situation and shared how we can all try to walk our friends through it. Thank you!
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I wish I could hug you…these words…just yes.
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My son just turned 13. It’s been 4 years since we found out we wouldn’t be able to have another baby without IVF. We couldn’t afford IVF, had no insurance coverage for it, so that was the end of trying. My friends were well aware of our struggles and asked about us often. At our monthly dinner where I was going to tell them we were officially done, there were two pregnancy announcements at the table. Ouch.
There are moments when I actually feel like I’m okay, that I’ve finally made peace with it. But then, out of nowhere, I’m heartbroken all over again – the thought that there will be no more children, that my son will have no siblings… it just can’t be right.
Thanks for this post. I hope a lot of people see it.
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1. I love how you use BANGING your head against a wall as a metaphor for trying to conceive. I snickered every time you wrote “bang”. Yes, I am a teenaged boy trapped in a woman’s body.
2. I believe that this will bring you some comfort: http://www.go-girl.com/
3. Hugs to you.
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Hugs to you Casey!
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You are very brave to share what many hold in. Thank you.
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Fellow infertile here – you are such a gifted writer. Thank you for sharing. I think I’m finally at peace with it, but every once in a while, someone says something like “it took us SO LONG to conceive” and on and on about how difficult it was, I just want to curl up and cry. Or punch them in knee caps. They have no idea. Incredibly comforting to hear from someone who does. Thank you again.
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Beautiful post.
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Thank you, friend, for sharing your heart.
I know you’ve helped many on both sides with this post, especially me. My heart hurts for you and my other friend going through so much pain for a gift that seems so rightfully yours.
I will be sharing this post with many.
Love you.
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You dove down deep for this. Thank you for sharing with the world and helping people on both sides of this experience to understand the other.
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as i fellow infertile (sterile, really), i concur that infertility is one of the most painful things i have ever been asked to do.
however, the silver lining is the deep connection i feel with others that know this same hurt.
xoxo
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I have been in that dark ugly place. I felt the same things you just wrote. Two days after my last d&c, I figured out my closest friend was pregnant. I was still really from my SIXTH miscarriage in 4 years, when she admitted she was indeed pregnant with her sixth baby. I basically hung up on her. I had to run. I sobbed and raged. It wasn’t fair, dammit. I wasn’t fair to her. Just yesterday I found out another friend was pregnant. I dealt better. But God it stings. We are not trying anymore after the hormone mess this has all caused a cancer scare. Infertility weighs so heavy on me. My heart hurts that any woman has to face this. Hugs to you Casey.
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You get it. How I wish I could just send everyone that doesn’t get it to this post right here. Thank you friend.
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HUGS, just lots & lots of hugs.
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Thank you so much for posting this.
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I have a friend going through this same thing right now and reading this all helps A LOT. I knew how she was feeling but sometimes it’s hard to know what to say or do. Also, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.
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Casey, your words are a light in the darkness for so many women, struggling amidst the pain and anger of infertility. I’m so sorry. I don’t understand, but I pray for you often and hope your prayers are answered…whatever they may be. Your strength and humility are staggering and inspiring, and I can only hope to be as beautiful and honest a soul as you someday. Thank you for being you and sharing your life with us.
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After 7 years of nothing, we got a loan from our bank to try IVF. We were blessed to have twins on the first try. The pain never completely goes away…
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oh casey. my dear, dear casey. thanks for this and for the email. i needed both.
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As someone with one hard-won child and a string of miscarriages after, I think the head banging analogy is perfect. Thanks for putting words to my hard-to-describe reason for still continuing to try. I filled out those school papers today and had the same twinge.
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Casey, I think more people think those same thoughts, but unlike you, wont’ admit that they do. It’s human. I didn’t say it was pretty, or right, but it is human.
Huge hugs to you, doll. You are a beautiful, brave woman.
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Thank you for this post. I feel like I’m ridiculous for feeling like I identify, because I have two amazing kids, but I’ve been hoping to have another for quite some time now… so maybe I do understand. A little. I know I have no idea what many go through, and so yeah, I feel some guilt over it as well (the inner dialogue goes something like this: “You have two awesome kids! Don’t be so greedy and ungrateful!” And yet lately it seems like everyone else is pregnant, and when people say, oh, you only have two? (this in a town of mostly very large families), I feel frustrated and just sad). Regardless – thanks for this.
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Thanks for this. Every day I need a reminder that I’m not alone. This served as one today.
I hate that infertility has lead me to dread seeing old friends, stop enjoying holidays or even hesitate when picking up the phone.
I know one day I’ll come to peace w/ being a two-person family, after all I love my husband dearly … but until then, ouch.
Thanks again and you’re not alone either. Never.
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Hey! Poppin’ in from ashley’s blog, great post! I definitely agree that you can’t blame your friends for being fertile myrtles…I’ve struggled with envy, and even similar guilt with being happy over a miscarriage…I’ve never felt more disgusted with myself! There definitely needs to be more sympathy on both sides!
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As usual, you describe in words the thoughts of my heart, Casey. I try very hard to make sure my friends know they can be open with me about their pregnancies, despite the fact that I might not talk to them much during those first few weeks while I am getting over my jealous anger.
I am happy for them of course, but it’s a reminder of how painful it is for me and how lucky they really are.
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tears are falling [at work]. love you
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I can identify with this on 2 levels.
#1 – Like you, I suffered from secondary infertility. I had 2 babies and when we tried for the 3rd…I could NOT get pregnant. For years. I have PCOS. We did this drug and that method and so on. Finally I gave up. Started looking into adoption. A month before starting the process I “accidentally” ended up pregnant. My point here is don’t give up hope. Not to tell you to relax. And certainly NEVER the “can’t you be happy with the kids you have”. That is a knife to the womb. Just don’t give up hope. Hugs to you.
#2 – I have a friend who, today, is getting a forced miscarriage for an ectopic pregnancy. It hurts. For her because she also lost a baby last year at five months gestation after trying for 13 years. For me because I don’t know what to say. Or do. 2 babies gone in a years time. We’ve been friends for 20 years, and things come naturally for us. Not this. This is uncharted. I wish I knew how to be super awesome friend for her.
um. sorry for the novel. guess i had words stored up.
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I have struggled telling people that we are having trouble getting pregnant. It is sooo hard to see soo many woman pregnant in the fertile world of mormonville.
I struggle every day with wanting to feel a life inside me. I am seeing a new infertility Dr. and have been recently diagnosed with PCOS. and hoping that the new meds will help me become pregnant.
My heart goes out to all the amazing woman who can’t have the babies they want or need.
hugs
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So the twelve year old boy that lives in my head actually snickered out loud – in the office no less – at the BANG BANG BANG! line. (I know you were talking about your head and a wall) Been banging a lot lately? See, I can’t quit! Geez….
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I’m glad to have read this — thank you for sharing your heart, your words.
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Casey, my girl.
i love you so dearly.
You write so beautifully, my friend.
I have nothing but this.. I love you.
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i love your soul. love it.
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Thank you for writing this. My sister is currently trying to conceive and has just started taking fertility drugs (if this doesn’t work, who knows what the next step is). It pains me to see her hurting when her friends are getting pregnant all around her (especially the “oopses”) – I haven’t known what to say, and I haven’t wanted to say the wrong thing… so I’ve said nothing.
And that doesn’t feel right either.
Thanks for this post, Casey.
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Your friends are very, very lucky to have you. Beautiful.
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I’ve never gone through this, I’ve never tried to have a baby. But I can relate to all my friends being pregnant and having babies and I not being even in a relationship with the goal of getting married to then have a baby at some point, so I sort of understand where you’re coming from on the friendship bit.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sucks to not be able to have what one wants, especially if it’s our own body impeding it. Hugs.
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i know i don’t have the right words to give you comfort – i do know to some extent the pain and anguish that you feel. i suffered with infertility…all the tests, surgeries, counts..and all that good stuff for several years…only to find ‘nothing’ wrong with me or my husband – i always wished that they’d find something/anything wrong…so it could be fixed…..then THANKFULLY i had my daughter-a clomid baby in 1990. PERFECT…NOTHING IS WRONG..I CAN DO THIS…i started trying again when my daughter was 2…i went on clomid again for several rounds (more than i/or anyone should go through) i can remember when my daughter was 3-4-and 5 years old – she was begging/PRAYING for a sibling SO.HARD. i remember feeling so inadequate and terrible that i couldn’t give that to my daughter.. i remember that horrific feeling – of longing for a baby…a sibling for my girl. i did grow up as an only child, and did not want my girl to grow up like that. i prayed…and i PRAYED that i could give my daughter a sister or brother -and i do remember vividly (whether you have this belief or not) that God spoke to me one night (one night when i was feeling tremendous dispair) – and the message i heard was to be patient, it will happen WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT. I did hear that message..and i DID try to believe. i somewhat calmed down after that….but never really-fully could relax and trust, although i desperatley wanted to. like i said earlier when my daughter was 2 i started back on clomid and did that for several months with no luck… then the dr. put me on daily fertility shots. this went on for a while – (every other month) although it seemed like a LONG while. that month after month after month disapppointment is so very hard to take. i had all the tests done (TWICE)…the dye tests, the laparoscomy’s, the biopsy’s..my husband’s counts….all that good stuff i know you’ve gone through. i did get a positive pregnancy test one month when my daughter was about 6…much to my amazement and happiness…all was good for a few weeks….we ‘saw’ the heartbeat through a vaginal ultrasound..so all was good for a short time..then i miscarried. i just COULD.NOT make myself go through that anymore. i wanted to be ‘normal’ again..meaning – not worrying each month about whether or not i’m pregnant..then to have EVERY month bring more disappointment. i had done that for FIVE + years – my daughter was 7 – and i just couldn’t do it anymore – and i gave up ‘trying’..i took a full time job, that paid for me to take classes in learning more of the legal profession…and about one month later – OF NOT OBSESSING…my period was late. i took a test – and much to my disbelief…it was positive. for YEARS people had been telling me to relax..not think about it…YEAH..RIGHT – that’s not so EASY to do. that is ALL that is on your mind…ALL.THE.TIME.
BUT…now – after all my struggles, i maybe do conceed to think that all those people may be on to something. i hate to write it, say it, or even hear it…but HONESTLY..it really did work for me.
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I know exactly what you’re feeling: the pain, the disappointment each and every month reminding you that you can’t get pregnant. Married 10 years and your younger brother and sister are having children of their own.
After 10 years I had an emergency and total hysterectomy. We still wanted children so we decided to adopt. I thank the Lord for those unwed mothers who realize that their unwanted child is really a child very much wanted by someone.
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you are such a thoughtful, lovely soul.
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Love.
And love.
And more love.
to you.
from me.
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Thank you for your side. Much love
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I tend to distance myself from pregnant and newborn-having people. Not for good, just for a few months. 😉 Because I get those thoughts, too. It’s hard for me to feel joy and excitement for someone knowing how disappointed I became so quickly. I don’t want to be a downer in their lives because I learned that things don’t always go according to plan. facebook is an amazing filter for friendships going through this. I simply “hide” the pregnant folk from my feed so I don’t see their updates. Occasional messages let them know I’m thinking about them. Once their kid is past the newborn phase, it’s a little easier for me to take interest. May be a coward’s way of dealing with it, but it works. 😉
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Gorgeous post. I love you with the burning instensity of a thousand suns. And you can ALWAYS rant to me about this stuff and I will strive valiantly to say the least stupid thing possible. I got your back, girl!
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