on infertility and closure.

Posted bycasey coombsPosted ininfertility

The Lupron is gone.

I’m back to being a good old fashioned wench one regular week out of the month just like the stereotype dictates.

This past week has been the week of babies 2010. Four of my friends had them, one of them had two at once. I look at their pictures, those snuzzly little babies wrapped up in white cotton all yawny and warm. I found out four more of my friends are pregnant with them and one of them has two where she thought there was only one. All four of the friends are darlings with whom I have discussed the crappy road of infertility and miscarriage.

I am so relieved they got their babies.

I am even more relieved that I am at peace with not getting mine.

Now I’m not saying it’s never going to happen or that I’m immune to the smell of new babies. But I have spent the last two months oblivious to pregnancy math and it’s been WONDERFUL.

I’m happy being the moosh family three. I’m happy to wake up on Wednesday and know that it’s just Wednesday. Not three days before I ovulate and seven days after LMP and nine months from now is November.

I like it just being Wednesday.

I like our playroom being the playroom. Not the playroom that will someday be the nursery.

I liked telling the girl who did my hair last night that Addie is my sidekick and that she’s everything I could have ever wanted in something that popped out from my nether regions.

love this little kid.

What I haven’t told anyone about the picture I took of Emily when she first held her baby was that in that moment I realized that if that moment never happened for me again? I would be okay with it.

100%.

I tried to fight it, a natural reaction after fighting so hard for a baby for years. But instead I let it wash over me and appreciated being there with Emily in that moment even more.

I like that when I hear of a new pregnancy I get excited, the way people should get when they hear of a new pregnancy. With hushed whispers and squees, maybe even some jumping up and down. I don’t get angry or bitter or immediately start thinking “WHY HER AND NOT ME?”

To those of you who are left without your babies? My heart knows the ache your heart feels when you get that negative on a pregnancy test. I hope you get your babies, even if it’s not your body that gives them to you.

I am done being bitter. I am done being angry.

All these new babies need to come into a world where love outshines jealousy. And gratitude squelches bitterness and anger.

I am finally there.

And I like it.

101 thoughts on “on infertility and closure.”

  1. Welcome to this side of the fence. I think you’ll like it here. The grass is green and it’s strewn with oodles of terribly annoying plastic toys and it’s nice here. It really is.

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  5. I just started what i hope to be my last round EVER of depo lupron. I hate it. I hate standing outside my body knowing I shouldn’t be freaking out at something that I totally am. Some days I am on the ok with no babies and the no more possibility. Some days. Other days I want that normal birth and delivery I never got. I want the normal kid not the special needs when we have. Thought I think I will keep him to.

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  9. Your post gave me chills. I am so happy to hear that you have come to this point. I also know thay you haven’t given up hope and that is the most important thing!

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  10. You don’t know me, but I know your feelings firsthand. I, too, have accepted that my daughter (my first IVF experience) will be my only child after two failures since. It was a difficult road that led me to this place you have now found, filled with twists and turns and many bumps along the way. But yes, it’s time to appreciate what we have. And we do. How wonderful!
    Best to you and your family.

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  11. Wow, now that was from the soul…I can feel it. I am glad you found peace in all of this. Someone close to me struggles with infertility and she still has issues with it. But I KNOW I would too if I were her! I am glad you are happy! The Moosh is SO lucky to have such an amazing mom!

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  13. I can’t wait to hug you next week. I have this weird thing where I’m really proud of you, like I’m your mother. (Which I’m old enough to be.) (And you know I’m not a stalker, even though I sound like one right?)

    Proud. And very very happy for you.

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  14. If we ever get to meet in real life, I want to give you the biggest, tightest blogger hug ever.

    Over this past year I have hoped and wished wonderful things for you.

    You are beautiful inside and out and I just wanted to tell you that.

    xoxo
    CE

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  16. After several years of unexplained infertility, I was blessed with a little boy. And then another. And yet one more. I thought I’d be able to round out our family with a fourth, but due to age and family circumstances and, oh yeah, finding out that I’m bipolar and need meds to remain stable, that fourth is getting farther and farther out of reach. I know I should be grateful for the three little boys I have (and believe me, I am), and yet I wanted that last baby so badly. I’m trying to get back to that place of peace I found a few months before finally becoming pregnant the first time. The place that says I will put aside my own wants and accept whatever the Lord’s will is regarding the size of my family. Acceptance is a good thing. I’m so glad you have gotten there.

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  17. I’m so happy for you that you’ve reached this place of peace and acceptance. But is it wrong of me to say that I’m sad that you have given up hope? I mean, I understand that you needed to, that you need to move on. But still. Sad. But also happy for you and your adorable family of three.

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  18. I’m glad you’ve come to peace with where your life is right now. I will pray for you to get another little bundle though. I know how hard it is! Infertility is a cruel disease that no one should have to go through.
    Love and hugs

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  19. I have no way of even imagining the anguish you’ve lived in for the past few years, but I can tell you that I am happy to hear that you are at peace with things. So very very happy. There is so much that we cannot control in life and learning to accept it is the hardest thing, I think.

    You are beautiful, your daughter is beautiful. HUGS!

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  20. Thank you for this! I have 1 healthy kid and was dx’d 2 years later with a devastating weird-o disease that led me to HAVE to get my tubes tied. I never would have imagined..but I’m here and the fact I got to have 1 is enough thanks to the Lord. It was hard on me for years to go visit friends 2nd or 3rd babies or hear of pregnancies…I’m with you, I’m at peace with it and now I get all the bad wrap for having an only child and all the myths that go with it! Ugh..So thanks again for this and trust me when I type that I know exactly how ya feel!

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  21. I am SO happy for you. I am one of those ladies caught up in the “pregnancy math” and each day is caught up in it. Hard as I try I can’t seem to get away from it – I am glad to know there’s hope of moving past it one day. Thank you so much for sharing!

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  22. Oh Casey, you always leave me laughing or crying, or both.

    I’m still bitter. Mostly because I don’t even have a playroom. I have a storage room that one day I hope to be a nursery and eventually a playroom. And I don’t care how my kid(s) come to me, so long as their mine forever.

    But this post did give me hope. It gave me hope that one day I won’t be bitter anymore. And while I’m super happy for all my pregnant and birthing friends, (and especially Heather) I still long for my own.

    Thanks for sharing this Casey. I’m happy you’re happy.

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  26. Congratulations! I am so glad that you have found peace. A peace that is so elusive in infertility – I know. Enjoy your freedom from the calendar and charting!

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  27. You make me smile.

    Coming not from the infertility perspective but from the I FEEL LIKE I WILL BE SINGLE FOREVER perspective, I’ve been hit by deep, unshakable baby fever by all the sweet little faces coming into the world.

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  32. Wow, good for you. Really, it’s such a positive thing, and I’m sure it will make your life better for it. I’m getting to this point too. I’m not ready to give up on the possibility of another baby for us some day, but I’m happier than I was. It really is a process. I’m glad you were able to take this big step.

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  35. You are amazing. Really. I think coming to peace with any challenge/situation/circumstance takes immense faith and courage, but especially this one. Motherhood is so precious and I’m so glad you have Addie and I’m so happy you have found peace! Love you, friend.

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  36. You do not know how much I needed this today. Thank you!

    I am nine months into trying to have a baby and it is rough, especially when everyone around you can get pregnant so easily!

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  41. Woohoo! Very well written and exciting you have come to that realization. I am having some issues in that arena and I’m truly trying to just be grateful for the wonderful 8 year old daughter I DO have. Many don’t even get that much, but it is still hard to be ok with and I’m not quite there yet. This post was so good to hear!

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  46. You were fighting for a baby so hard when I found out I was pregnant. I stopped reading your blog because at the time you were so angry and it made me feel guilty and I couldn’t relate to you. I wanted to be happy, but you were so sad and I couldn’t bring myself to read your blog. I wish you had been in a better place when we met once. I was excited to meet you and the pain on your face when you saw my belly was heartbreaking. You walked away pretty quickly and I felt like I didn’t deserve my happiness. I’m glad you’re there for your friends. The photos are beautiful and they are lucky to have you for a friend.

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    1. @Tamre, Oof. See? This is what I’m talking about. I hurt so many people (some on purpose and some not) without even realizing it. I really was in an ugly place.
      I’m so sorry you met that me.
      She was a jerk.

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  47. you are so right about this being baby week. i know five people that had babies & one that found out she’s pregnant all this week (not to mention the internet friends that had babies too)

    *hugs* to you my friend. you are truly amazing.

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  49. “For by and by the mist shall lift, and plain it all He’ll make. Through all the way, though dark to me, He made not one mistake.”

    I’m not sure who said that or where I first learned it, but I’ve quoted it to myself for years. It brings comfort to me.

    One of these days this is all going to make sense. I’m so happy for your peace. Right now, and whenever one of these days is.

    You’re a wonderful mommy ❤

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