I have tried to take my own life more than the one time I have acknowledged on this blog.
Almost exactly two years ago I drove myself to the hospital. The entire drive there I had to keep talking myself out of driving into oncoming traffic. My eyes were puffy, they stung from all the crying and my heart felt as though it had been pummeled by a meat tenderizer.
Alone. Broken. Hopeless. Alone. Broken. Hopeless.
I called Cody from the parking lot and told him where I was and what I was about to do.
Voluntarily commit myself.
He understood. It wasn’t the first time that me going back into the hospital had been considered.
He offered to meet me there, I volunteered to come home. He found somewhere for little Addie to go and he took me to the mental crisis unit of the hospital.
It all came back so fast. The locked doors, the patients talking to themselves, random screams and the constant buzz of florescent lighting. The doctor I met with was named Dr. Wink. Dr. Wink saved my life that night. There was no judgement.
She got it.
She understood my fear of going back “in there” but she also understood how I had come to a point where “in there” may be the only safe place for me to be. We talked for a long time. She didn’t commit me, instead she gave me hope. Hope that I could make it through this without having to hand over my shoelaces and pride.
I left with hope. And a very important prescription. I have been taking that prescription since and have not once felt I needed to go back there.
****
Mental illness is not a choice.
Nor is it a cop out, curable or something that one can merely “get over” like a pulled hamstring.
There is nothing wrong with taking a pill to get me through the involuntary chemical imbalances in my own head.
I’m not going to lie, there are some days I hate that stupid pill. I hate taking it, I have even tried to go without. I hate that my body can’t just “work.” But something up there doesn’t fire right and the repercussions from a misfire can be devastating. So I take the pill.
No one has ever thought any less of me for needing contacts to see or prescription strength deodorant to keep me from sweating like a pig in the sun on the fourth of July. The same goes for my depression medication.
If you are suffering, please. It’s not a cop out to get help. There are people out there like Dr. Wink who know it’s not your fault and that you would never volunteer to feel the way you do, alone, broken and hopeless.
If those words resonate anywhere ANYWHERE within you, please. Find someone to talk to. Anyone. There’s websites, phone numbers, friends, me, doctors and clergy that will listen. That cold rainy night in February last year didn’t end the way I had it in my head, if it had I would have either had a toe tag or my name on commitment papers.
I can’t even say I was looking for a miracle. Miracles don’t exist to someone trapped inside their own brains. What I was given was hope through the words of another. Enough hope to get me home, enough hope to try a new medication. Enough hope to know that I would feel “normal” again.
And enough hope to know that these demons I battle are not my fault.
****
Karissa, or Krissy as her family called her, took her own life on Saturday. I have scoured her tweets and her site looking for any sort of hint that would have hinted at how alone, broken and hopeless she felt. Aside from “taking a break” there was nothing. No hints to anyone online that she was slipping.
After reading through her comments I noticed how many people she had supporting her. And after knowing of her passing, how many people mentioned that they had thought about reaching out to her but didn’t.
I wrote this last week, it’s haunting.
I guess what I wanted to say is that when you get that feeling to write somebody something heartfelt or out of genuine concern, just do it. If they don’t respond chances are it’s not because they are a jerk. It’s probably because they’re suffocating.
and to everyone I wrote these words in the post about my overdose,
I am not ashamed now because I have a message, if someone says they’re not doing so well, please listen. I tried to tell someone that I was not well a week before this happened. They brushed it off as pregnancy hormones and sleepiness. I didn’t want to push, maybe it was just pregnancy after all. But that’s just my point, those who truly need your help will rarely shout for it. They will suffer silently hoping somebody, anybody will notice. Those who are truly hurting will not want to draw attention to themselves.
I didn’t want to be a burden or seen as a complainer. So I tried to figure it all out myself.
And I failed.
But I was blessed through my failure.
Not everyone is so lucky.
I’m not saying any one of us, or all of us, could have saved Krissy from making the decision she did. I honestly didn’t know her personally. Even if I had I’m not sure that even I would have noticed her slipping away.
Her loss has left her family grieving. I can’t imagine the pain all those who loved her are feeling, I can’t even pretend to. My heart and prayers go out to them. I know if her cousin could have just one wish it would be to go back to Saturday and make it all better.
****
Please. If you’re not doing well, speak up. Please. Just because you feel hopeless does not mean you are. And even more importantly, you are not helpless.
God didn’t put billions of people on the planet for us to only take care of ourselves.
It’s our job to take care of each other. In sickness and in health. No matter what.
making unbreakable - formerly moosh in indy. 
I wish I didn’t know what Krissy’s family is going through right now. My uncle committed suicide over 20 years ago and it still hurts.
My heart goes out to her family, to yours and to families of those with mental illness.
I have also had my moments with depression. I am always scared that it will not stay away …
Thank you for sharing your story with us
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Thanks Casey. You are one amazing young woman.
I have ‘those days’ too. Ick.
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Thank you for sharing this with us. It is so important for someone with depression to know that she isn’t alone and that help is available.
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Your beautiful way with words is going to help people. I admire the heck out of you.
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Thank you for giving depression a voice and saying that it is okay to take a pill. I also take a pill daily. It helps me to keep anxiety under control. I am truly sorry for your friend. I imagine this is probably very hard on you as well, please take care of yourself as well.
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Did you happen to watch This Emotional Life that aired on PBS last week? Their story on depression was spectacular–and is a MUST for anyone who thinks depression is made up, or just someone being lazy. We can see inside our brains and watch the hippocampus shrinks, and how those little pills build new brain cells.
Our brains are wired differently. And we live with it, knowing that any buffet from life could toss us back into the whirlpool. If it takes all of us admitting to suffering from depression to help just one more, so be it.
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When I was diagnosed Bipolar almost four years ago, I remember so incredibly clearly my very educated (Masters in Education) mother-in-law asking me why I couldn’t “Just think good thoughts” instead of taking meds. I’m still baffled at her logic… unicorns and thoughts of Johnny Depp naked aren’t going to stop the explosive mood swings, get me to get dressed and leave the house, and they certainly can’t stop the overwhelming thought that everything would be ok if it was just over. No more loud and scary thoughts. No more crying. No more medication. Just welcoming quiet.
So while this is no way is a slight on healing powers of oh so hot Jonny Depp; it is a sobering reminder that even those who you anticipated would be more understanding, can’t understand why a Good Thought can’t cure mental illness.
P.S. My MIL is a *lovely* woman; very kind and willing to help in any way she can fight a disease she doesn’t understand.
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You are so brave. Thanks for sharing these very personal struggles with us. I have been so close to where you were. I cried the whole way. I screamed. I stopped myself from crashing with thoughts of my two children. I was shaking as I walked through the first set of doors. I sat in the waiting area trying to compose myself. I walked up to the doors to be buzzed in. But then I walked away. I sat in the car for a long time and then I drove to the home of someone who was able to just let me talk and cry. I hadn’t reached out to her earlier but that day she saved me.
God bless.
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Very powerful post, Casey. Probably more powerful than prescription strength deodorant.
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Poor Krissy.
My brother is now on disability for clinical depression. He’s been spending a few weeks living with us every couple of months for company. It’s a debilitating disease.
Thanks for doing your part to educate people about it.
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Thank you for that. I am so impressed by you. I am in the mist of trying to reach out to a friend I am worried about right now. She is pregnant and we spoke yesterday. We were interrupted. I am going to call her again today.
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I meant midst… whoops-my spelling depresses me.
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This is so sad. I just looked at Karissa’s About page and saw she was from Indy – I had no idea.
AMEN x infinity to asking for help. I need to remind myself, sometimes every minute.
*hugs*
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What a beautiful post, heart breaking but honest. My sister has been to that place in the hospital. I went to visit her and it was sad. She seems to be doing well now, but how do I really know?? I am glad that you met Dr. Wink and that she gave you hope. I hope that you are doing well!
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Casey-
I’ve been there. I too try to do without the meds occasionally and it always ends in a mess. {hugs} You are in my prayers.
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Read this book : The Unquiet Dead: A Psychologist Treats Spirit Possession, Edith Fiore
(and other books she wrote)
Self Treatment is easy and can cure part or the totality of the problem.
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Thank you.
You help me.
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You are so, so right. SO right. Thank you.
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“If they don’t respond chances are it’s not because they are a jerk. It’s probably because they’re suffocating.”
Exactly. EXACTLY.
xoxo
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I’m not sure if I’ve ever thanked you before, but thank you. It is so relieving to know that others are suffering and you’re not alone. Too often we’re more afraid of what others will think of us than what will happen to us if we don’t get the help we need. Thank you for being a voice for those of us in need.
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You’re so beautiful, and so right, and so needed in this world and in this place. I am grateful you are here, and that you speak. I know I’m not the only one, but I needed to say it.
Thank you so much.
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That this can happen makes me so sad.
Casey, if you ever need to talk, 708-699-6579. If you ever need a hand held or a cup of hot chocolate, I’m 3.5 hours away. Just call.
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I don’t have much experience with depression or mental illness- either in myself or close friends/family. But it sounds absolutely heart-wrenching and I admire you for being so open & honest about it.
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Thank you for this post and your others on this terrible topic. I wish so many people didn’t have to know what this feels like. I wish those who don’t know what it feels like could understand. It is terrible that there are so many common stories, so many “I could have written this,” yet not enough happy endings. I have trouble adapting to the attention my posts on depression get because while yearn for the support, I’m still terrified of the stigma. It’s so sad that so many people have to feel this way yet the stigma is still so awful.
Thank you for your courage.
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I’m just sending some long distance virtual hugs because I read your post and while I may not have the right words to reply it left me wanting to give you a hug. You are so brave to share these hard topics.
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I applaud you for talking about what so many people don’t. There are times I feel like you could be my twin because you put a voice to what I am feeling. Because of you I have written about my own battle with depression. Unfortunately, it’s been called a cop-out by some. But people like you give voice to a real problem. Thank you for your courage.
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So. Much. Word.
Beautifully written.
The world is a better place for having your strong voice in it.
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Well spoken, love.
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“There is nothing wrong with taking a pill to get me through the involuntary chemical imbalances in my own head.”
yes.
it took me a really long time to believe this statement. but it’s true. it’s 100% true. I wish more people would believe it.
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I take a couple of pills every day. I have a great life, and regulating my brain chemistry helps me see that clearly. It saves me.
Beautifully written. Thanks for you candor and honesty.
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This makes me wonder about all the people I’ve tried to show support to before. Have they been near the edge? Did I just make a difference in some small way in their lives, even though it’s never acknowledged? It always seems to me that people slip away and we never know there was ever a problem until it’s too late.
I vow to continue supporting others, regardless of whether or not I ever hear a “Thank You”. Just being alive supporting other people continuing to be alive is thanks enough for me. Great post, Casey.
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This is important and I’m glad you wrote it.
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If you help even just 1 person, Casey, you will have done your job! You are an amazing person and your voice is being heard. Thanks for sharing your heart ache and your truths with the rest of us! ((hugs)) XOXOX
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You are amazing.
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Thank you so much for writing this. After I finally got sober and finally understood what was *really* wrong with me. I was medicating myself with alcohol to stop the panic, to stop the sorrow, to stop…well…life.
I just wanted to write and say that PLEASE don’t stop trying if one medicine doesn’t work for you. It’s a process sometimes to get the right meds and sometimes it takes a combination of meds to finally make your brain work correctly.
I’m glad that you spoke out – it’s really important.
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I know I need help but I am afraid of admitting it.
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Adding my voice to the masses who are so glad you wrote this, and so glad you were able to get the help you needed when you needed it.
I feel like more people need to shout from the rooftops that hey, somethings life, it’s just HARD and you know what? That’s OK. In so many ways we really are in this together.
Hugs.
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It’s good that people are talking about this more and more. So many people do not understand and it’s time to restore the dignity to those who live with it. Each time someone like you can put out such an eloquent message, it’s helping — those who need support and those who need to stop talking trash. Thanks…And prayers to your friend and her family.
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Wow! You write so heartfelt. I am so sorry for Krissy’s family and close friends. I am so grateful yours haven’t felt the great loss they would with out you around. You are amazing. Thanks for making depression a real and personal understanding. I love your guts!
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I think you are so brave. Not only for writing this, but for admitting when you need help and actually getting it. I’ve been so depressed since the Chipmunk was born, almost twenty months ago and I still can’t bring myself to get help.
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You are a truly amazing person. And my heart goes out to you. I only wish I could know you and hug you in reality. I finally got help. I hate taking my pill. I hate knowing that I’m not “normal”. And even though I still sometimes want to walk into traffic, I know I’m better than I was.
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Thank you for sharing, it’s inspiring that you can share something that is so difficult and so misunderstood. Like any of the countless people who experience the crushing weight of depression wish for it or do it to themselves. But there’s this stigma.
Ugh, I could write a novel about my battle with depression. I just want it to be over already but it always comes sneaking back into my life. I decided to seek counseling again, the first time didn’t work out very well for me. But I have to try, anything is better than every day being torture.
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I think that taking care of each other is what life is all about.
Thank you for posting and sharing this part of yourself. It’s so important for people to know they’re not alone.
This particularly connected with me:
“I hate taking it, I have even tried to go without. I hate that my body can’t just “work.””
I have felt that way both about my depression/anxiety and about the thyroid problems & PCOS that make it so hard for me to lose weight. Sometimes, it’s so hard to accept that it just doesn’t WORK.
Luckily, there are pills for that. And no matter how annoying and inconvenient they are, I will keep taking them because they help me be who I am.
(Hugs)
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I am only a plane rid away. I will be there anytime for you. And even though I’m here in The Canadas, you KNOW I am at your side.
I am so sorry Casey. I love you and I wish more than anything I could do SOMETHING to lessen the pain.
XOXOXOXOOXOX
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I wish more people understood that mental illness isn’t a choice. I also wish that this post didn’t speak to me so, in fact, it doesn’t speak, it screams. But I need that screaming in my ear this week, its been bad.
xo
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My best friends 16 yr old son tried to kill himself this weekend. He OD’d and we’ve spent the last week wondering if he was going to pull out of it. Luckily, he has survived and has a long road to recovery still. Depression is a horrible thing. I wish there was a magic cure.
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You are so open and candid about your mental health illness. It is refreshing to have someone be so honest about what I have always hidden. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. The stigma attached to that alone is overwhelming. “What do you have to be depressed about?” my husband asks. It’s not a choice I make. I hate the round of daily medications I must take, but know if I don’t, I will be sick. It’s still a daily struggle. It’s hard to hear, “oh, you must be off your meds again” when I get upset with my husband. He does not fully understand the illness and is a little close minded to it. It’s incredible that you have the support system that you do, Moosh! Keep writing and inspiring.
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Casey? You are awesome. That is all.
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Thank you. I made an appointment last week…tomorrow. I’ve been so stressed/depressed lately. Last night, both babies (19mo, 4mo) were crying…All I could do was sit in front of the fridge and cry too. I know medication is not magical or meant to make my life perfect. I’m just hoping for something to take the edge off. Thank you for being so open. Your blog has helped me realize that I do need help, that crying each time the kids cry isn’t normal. Thank you.
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