aftermath.

Posted bycasey coombsPosted inToo lazy to label.

For a long time Cody and I played three little pigs with our lives. Only the third little pig was the the moosh and she just kind of came along for the ride given her building abilities are still a little underdeveloped and one can’t really build a house from cheese and unicorns.

For the longest time Cody and I were building a little figurative house together. It wasn’t anything great but it was ours.

Then law school came.

Looking back over the last three years it is a miracle that Cody and I came out the other side of law school still married.

For the naivety I had while in the thick of law school I am grateful.

Cody and I continued building our lives only instead of working on the same house, we were simply building houses next door to each other. Same street, different addresses. Cody kept building his higher and stronger out of really expensive law school bricks while mine came more slowly. I had to make each brick by hand and hope it would stay together.

At several points my bricks crumbled. I was left with nothing but a pile of rubble and the shadow of Cody’s towering mansion. I knew I couldn’t stop him from building his to help me, after all, that mansion he was building was going to be my future too.

So instead of asking him for help and relying on him I eventually pushed my pile of rubble back up into a mud hut. I just didn’t have the energy to build my house brick by brick over and over. Eventually I gave up and pitched a tent. Waiting for Cody to finish his mansion so I could move in.

His mansion is done.

Everything one would want if they could build a life with someone else.

But the truth is? The mansion is empty. It’s his accomplishment. I wasn’t really around for any of it. I just get to move in to this perfect life he’s created for us while I was off to the side struggling to hold myself together for the last three years. We both take blame for the distance between us.

I never asked, he never offered.

This past week has brought out the wrecking balls. We’ve destroyed the mansion together.

We’re back to a pile of rubble.

And it’s the best pile of rubble I’ve ever seen. From it we’re going to start building OUR life, brick by brick.

Together.

The way it should have been from the beginning.

82 thoughts on “aftermath.”

  2. Oh Casey, there you are. You are (once again) not alone in this. Residency is doing the same thing to us. And if I’m going to be truthful here, depression was doing it all by itself, even long before residency began. I finally have my Bipolar diagnosis, but I’m still fighting the battle alone. He’s so busy, stressed, and pre-occupied with school that all he can manage is to ask whether I slept well, and if not, didn’t I take my meds? I read my books and go to my shrink and take my meds and try to figure out how to manage until he’s done with this blasted program. I know we will also have to rebuild when it’s all said and done.

    I’m glad you had it out. I’m glad that he knows you need help. I’m glad that you can start now to rebuild.

    Mazel tov!

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  6. While wife was in school for two years, we lived 2 hours apart from one another. Mind you, this wasn’t law school, and we didn’t already have a kid, but it was still extremely hard. When she finally graduated and FINALLY moved in, we had to, more or less, start dating again. It was very difficult. Learning and getting used to each others’ nuances (again). Adjusting to sleep patterns (again). Everything (again).

    It’ll be difficult, but all three of you love each other. I can’t think of a thing to worry about.

    GOOD LUCK.

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  10. Bless you sweet girl for talking about it.

    Have you ever heard of Nichole Nordeman? She’s an amazing singer with amazing music. One of her songs is called, “We Build.” It’s basically a snapshot of marriage the way you’ve just described it. I always think it should be mandatory at weddings. It’s way more truthful than the sappy love songs that usually get played.

    Praying for you still!

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  12. I cannot begin to tell you how glad I was to see this post. While I feel like a super stalker whose way too attached to some of the blogs I read; I’ve been mega worried about you. I’m glad you & Cody are rebuilding together. It’s hard, simply put; it’s harder with depression. It’s hard to reach out and ask for help and while “they” don’t see it, it’s a bit frustrating that they don’t. You all can do this, you can rebuild your house together and it will be the bestest (yeah, I typed that) house ever. The love you have for one another & the Moosh will help provide all of that. My heart goes out to you, because in reading this post, I knew all too well where it came from. While we haven’t dealt with school, I so often feel that my DH has accomplished such great things since college and here I am stuck at a job that I no longer think I’m meant to do. Thank you, as always, for putting yourself out there. And a giant pat on the back and cheers from me while you start rebuilding!

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  14. Casey, this is an amazing post. As someone who grew up in a household where the two houses weren’t demolished and a new one was built, it was horrible on the kids. I am just glad that you two are doing this together!

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  15. I’m sure you two will figure this out.

    However, I’d like to point out that while he was building his mansion, he did it without having to worry about his child and his home, because you were taking care of those things, those VERY IMPORTANT things, so while law school may have been his, he could not have done it without your efforts.

    You put your life on hold for him. You took care of the Moosh and let him do what he needed to do. You supported him and did stuff for him that if he was a single guy living in a dorm he would have had to do for himself.

    You may not have gotten a law degree, but don’t diminish your contributions.

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  16. Med school and residency was like that for us. 7 years. And when you’re in the thick of it, you look towards graduation as the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And you get there to find it’s more like a pile of polished rocks. Still shiny and pretty and not totally crappy, but not at all what you expected either.

    And you get to the end, and you look at him with his wicked smaht and fancy friends. And you look at yourself in your mustard-stained tee shirt and think: who am I? Who are we?

    Good luck rediscovering who you are together. It’s not easy, but it’s so worth it!
    Hugs & Prayers…

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  17. Hi Casey!
    I don’t know if you remember, but my husband started law school at the same time as Cody. I used to blog at debbsflowersinthewindow.blogspot until I realized that I had boundary FAIL and simply needed to step away from the keyboard and publish button before I ruined my life. Now I’m on twitter, we’ll see how that goes.

    Anyways, I can TOTALLY relate to the feeling of watching your spouse’s mansion go up and up and up while your mud hut washes away in the rain. Our marriage almost died in Steve’s first year, it was the darkest time of my life. I was already dividing up the assets in my head, deciding where I would live if we divorced. I even said to him that if our marriage was going to fail, please let it fail now while I was still young and hot and could easily find someone else to love. haha?

    And then I went to school. Finally chasing after my own dream is what made the difference for me. The self-esteem that came was such a huge change, it made me feel like hey, maybe I can be my husband’s equal. Wow, what an idea.

    Anyways, I’m not saying that school is the only way to feel like you’ve accomplished things. You have built a mansion, too. Through this blog. I came along when you were still a bit small over here, I think, back in 2007, and you’ve really grown and branched out. You’ve built up a community and you’ve accomplished big things through this blog, things that I know that I could never do, though I briefly aspired to them.

    You’ve got a name for yourself, you’re a fabulous blogger, you’re a success, completely independent of Cody and his mansion. Yours is not a mud hut at all, it just might seem a little invisible because it’s built of html, or whatever the heck you call it. 🙂

    Anyways, your marriage can and will be okay, you can and will be okay. You ARE okay.

    My marriage survived what I thought was unsurvivable, and I never would have imagined being this happy in my marriage ever. I am so, so happy, and my marriage feels almost perfect some days. I hope you’ll feel the same way very soon. It’s totally possible. Take care, you.

    (I fail at brief comments.)

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  18. Don’t all minimize what you’ve done while he was busy building his mansion. You’ve been raising a beautiful little girl and supporting him through it all.

    That being said, I am sure that you two will find a way to build a house you both love- together. Good luck lady 🙂 🙂 We’re rooting for you!!

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  20. This post is amazing. So much truth in such a simple analogy. Good luck with the rebuilding. You are inspiring to so many…and that can be part of your new mansion, too.

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  24. It’s good to hear the hope resounding from your words. You’ll need a large batch of determination and forgiveness as you start this fresh journey. Count on us for support and prayers!

    Thinking and praying for you often!

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  26. As an English teacher and lurker, I must delurk. Great analogy to explain a really tough rebuilding project. On a smaller, less mansionesque level, I get the feeling of two households. My lovely, sweet and could eat up with a spoon daughter of six months has made my marriage one of roommates but you have given me hope for a new rebuilt, structurally sound home in the future.

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  27. Hot damn… this post gave me chills.

    And as a person who has her own “it’s very complicated” relationship with the father of her child, it gives me some hope.

    You provided me some insight because we have a similar situation, but I’m the one who has built the giant house. This allows me to see it from his side.

    Thank you.

    P.S. I don’t know if you remember me, but I sat at a table with you and your friend at the during BlogHer Community Keynote thingie at BlogHer. (It was just the three of us.) I think you gave me a piece of gum, or maybe I gave you one. 🙂

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  28. i was the one who went through law school in my marriage. it was my in-laws that hate me for it…. they reckon i should have had my baby at 20 not 23. saying it was a waste of time when i should follow the prophet n stay home having babies. the last i heard we were told to do our best. uughh.
    marriage is hard n in the church…the whole bloody family n ward comes for the ride. sux.

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  29. I was very happy to see a new post up when I visited this morning! It is as insightful and revealing as any you have written and I hope that it provides some foundation to build upon (no pun intended).

    You can do it!

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  30. I applaud you for posting something so frank. I’ve only been reading for a few months, but I saw your post on graduation and it was a ray of hope! To hear things are not rosy even for the loveliest of people (you) is a little bit disheartening. I want to know that couples do come through law school whole and intact, since all I ever hear about are the ones who fail. As a law school wife barely beginning the ride, I want to know all the details you could never share. I want to know your pitfalls and your victories. I want someone to tell me, “THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.” But it seems more and more unlikely that such a resource exists, and that I better just settle in and hold on for dear life.

    I know you and Cody will come through this. My boss, married 40 years, always reminds us married people here in the office to “keep the long-term in sight.” Marriage is full of phases, of which this is just one. It will not last forever. Don’t lose sight of the big picture, the long-run. Take heart that as low as you are right now, you will be equally high down the road. You will, I know, because the only way people know just how high they are is because they know just how long the climb was to get there.

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    1. @Law School Wife,
      Hey! My husband graduated from Law School this year as well, and we are fortunate enough to be happier than we ever have been in our marriage, if you’re a law school wife and you are wondering “HOW YOU DO IT” as you say :), I really don’t think that there is a general “how”. I think that marriages that suffer because of the trials (no pun intended:) of law school were probably going to suffer because of something else if it hadn’t been for law school. My marriage suffered in my husband’s first year, and I know for a fact that it would have suffered regardless. It needed to go through a growing period, and I’m really grateful to law school for the way that it challenged us to either grow together or give up on each other. We grew together and I’m so grateful.

      It doesn’t mean that marriages that struggle through challenges are flawed. I think it’s just the nature of marriage.

      I think you’re right, that marriage is long term and there are highs and lows and challenges come in all sorts of packages (law school, first baby, health issues, or whatever else can be thrown at us), but in the end they all pose the same question to us: will we fight to stay together or will we not?

      Casey, you and Cody are going to win the fight. The challenge was tough but you both learned a lot, I’m sure, and now you can rebuild. You’re both going to be awesome! Don’t give up!

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  33. I am in tears, reading this from my own pitched tent, reading this while my husband is out of town AGAIN. Weeks and weeks and weeks he’s gone for work, for a job we have hoped will provide that “mansion.” I’m not sure he’ll ever get the chance to build the mansion, though, because I’m also the big bad wolf in this story, blowing his house down every chance I get with hot, bitter, breaths. It’s amazing how we make these plans hoping they’ll secure our future, even while they put our todays on such a precarious perch.

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  35. As someone else said, do not minimize what you’ve done, for it is amazing too.

    But really what I want to know is – how? How are you knocking down the walls and rebuilding?

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  39. I feel ya sister. honesty and knowing that the other person comes from a place of good will in the depth of their soul. Those are the two pillars that helped us weather a similar storm.

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  44. SciFi Dad said it. You may not have the plaque to hang on the wall, but you have a happy, healthy, adorable little girl!

    And DO NOT discount all the things you’ve done for yourself: the trips and being invited to speak. That doesn’t happen to just anyone. You’ve made a name for yourself based solely on YOUR talent, personality and mad computer and photography skills.

    While Cody was in school, you were holding down the mansion (great analogy BTW).

    The remodel? Will be beautiful.

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  47. thank you for sharing this. my husband and i have been rebuilding for the last year. it’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it in the end.

    thank you for sharing. i don’t feel like such a failure knowing i’m not the only one who has been there.

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  49. I think this is a great analogy for what can happen during any marriage when one partner is off–mentally or physically–for long hours at an out-of-home job, and the other partner is “just” at home with the child/ren. I think there’s definitely more intense sacrifice on the part of the stay-at-home parent during the intense schooling of the other parent, though. And you guys will make it through if you keep communicating and remember that the dreams and ambition and time spent are all FOR the group, not for one individual.

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