There are certain things in life that we all have in common, married, unmarried or divorced. Religious or not. Parent or childless. Man or woman. These are the things that allow us to relate to almost every human on the planet, if we can’t relate to someone with one of these criteria then we can fall back on the fact that we are all human and most everyone has a bellybutton.
But then there are sub-genres of things. Those who have experienced miscarriages, the loss of a child or infertility. Those who come from “traditional” homes, single parent homes or same sex parent homes. Often when faced with those who know a life so much different than ours we are left staring at each other from opposite corners, or struggling to find common ground. Other times common ground is irrelevant because that whole “we’re all human” thing takes over.
But what about the times when we’re staring down those who have more in common that we’re used to? Sometimes our fight reflex comes out. Sometimes our trials and difficulties are what define us and we get uncomfortable in the presence of others who are going through similar difficulties. I know I have a hard time seeing other couples who deal with infertility so eloquently, or on the other hand couples who are just starting down the scary and uncertain road who avoid me, knowing that they may one day be where I am. A two thousand dollar shot in the butt with nothing to show for it but crazy.
I had my heart broken nine years ago. Smashed, destroyed and left for dead. I cannot say I have had my heart broken a thousand times because it only happened once, and once was all it took. Maybe if it had never happened I could be one of those who could say I had my heart broken more than once, never knowing what a true broken heart was.
Cody bears the scars of a broken heart too. While it’s not my story to tell, he was hurt. And hurt badly.
While we both struggle when we talk about those who broke us before we found each other, I have a feeling we both nurse the wounds of our broken hearts privately more often than we’d like to admit. I wish it had never happened to me. Cody swears he’s healed. I’m mad at the girl who hurt Cody. I’m mad that I’ll never know what he was like before her. That she left a mark on him that affects him and our relationship to this day.
I’m also mad at the boy who broke my heart. I’m mad that I have to know what that pain feels like and constantly live in fear of feeling it again.
I know our most personal struggles can bring us closer together with those who have gone down the same path. Yet at the same time they can put us against one another.
We are put into these little “groups” by default.
The haves and the have nots.
How would my life be different if I had never been hurt? Would I love Cody any less? Would we have even found each other?
If you could go back to the one moment thus far that defined you (or hurt you) the most…would you undo it?
making unbreakable - formerly moosh in indy. 
Thanks for sharing such a personal portion of your journey…I’d have to say that as painful as some of life’s moments/lessons have been, I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Incredibly tough at the time some of them, but I’m certain that they were crucial to sending me down this particular road, affecting everything from how I practice medicine to the events that led me to my beautiful wife.
What about you – would you undo anything along your journey?
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Never…it makes me who I am today, stronger, more resilient, able to truly love my husband more deeply, and unwilling to ever be unhappy again.
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No Regrets. In amongst all the bad decisions, the hurt, the drama and trauma, you become the YOU you are today. Whether your experiences are good or bad, it is what you learn and how you apply your lessons that count the most.
Just like it takes heat and pressure to turn a lump of coal into a diamond – you wouldn’t be you without it. Choose to be the diamond.
xx SKM – Candice Deville.
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I sometimes want to go back and erase the bad stuff. That one thing that hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before or since. But… that moment is the reason I am the person I am today. Without the bad… the hurt, I wouldn’t have the people in my life I do now and I would be a completely different person. Maybe a different path might have been better than this, maybe not. All I know is I am happy with my life now and regardless of how I got here, I arrived and I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Scars and all.
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Would never undo anything. That would be like unraveling a tapestry when I’m still waiting to see what the picture will turn out to be.
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I would like to think that I wouldn’t. I am the sum total of all my experiences. The good, the bad, the ugly… every bit of it has shaped me in some way. And for the most part, I think I am good mom, a decent wife, I enjoy my life and most days, I am pretty content with life.
I learned a long time ago to try my hardest to take my lesson from an experience and let the hurt go. If the people that hurt you continue to hurt you- they win. I am not willing to give them that much power over my life, anymore.
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In my humble opinion, I think you write about infertility most eloquently and honestly. As you warned me on twitter, this post did make me think, specifically about those who have more in common with me than those who do not. My husband and I were faced with a horrible experience right after my first was born that nearly ended our marriage. My heart, and my trust, was broken a hundred times over. And yet two things remain: I would never undo that horrible thing and it’s opened my eyes to a whole population of people I would have never imagined I’d have anything in common with. I can relate to them now, and when I see someone else going through what we went through (and I see it often, it’s something that makes the papers and the news), I hurt for them so much. As awful as the experience was, as scarred as my husband and I are from it, it forced us to work on ourselves and our marriage like never before. There isn’t any room for dishonesty anymore, or it would kill us.
I appreciate your candor, Casey. Excellent post.
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*deep breath*. No, I wouldn’t. I don’t think. I ended up as an adult with a complete and utter inabilty to trust anyone. But at the same time, I don’t necessarily feel like that’s a bad thing. Makes being married really tough, though.
(Good post. Got my wheels turning.)
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Bryan and I have talked about this before and we both agree that no, we wouldn’t undo it because we are who we are today because of that defining moment. If my horrible stuff hadn’t happened to me I wouldn’t have met Bryan and vise versa. Fact. I’m a mentally healthier person now (through a lot of work) because of what happened and overall that’s a good thing. So no, I would not undo it.
Awesome post!
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I honestly think without the bad, even the really, really bad, we can’t truly appreciate the good.
Had I not been broken I would definitely not be the person I am now nor would I have discovered what I wanted in life. While the hurt never goes away completely, having it there is a gentle reminder that my life from that point has been nothing short of fantastic.
I’ve grown and strengthened and become much more sure of myself. I don’t know if I’d like the person I could have become if I hadn’t been hurt.
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Even though its hard, the things that hurt us make us stronger if we let them. My wife was hurt very deeply before we got married. What she suffered caused our engagement and the first part of our marriage to be extremely difficult. Now, 10 years later, i can honestly say that I don’t know anyone with a better marriage than us. We were forced to learn to communicate and work through tough issues on a level that most never deal with. That made us stronger. As much as I despise the guy that hurt her, I know we’re closer because of it. Sounds weird, but its true.
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Oh yeah, I have a few. Three that I wish I could do over for sure if given a chance, or a genie in a bottle. Three things that would have changed who I am today.
The rest of it, I’d have no control over, the loss of babies and such. No button could change that. I have forever been changed at their loss.
The problem is, there is no re-do button on life. There is no way to go back and change these things. None of us know who we’d be without what has happened in our lives. You know? We just learn to deal with the change, the best we can. We just have to pray that we find the people who get it too, so we don’t have to feel so alone.
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Yikes. I try to live without regret and learn from my mistakes, I agree with the others that experiences help define who you are.
But I can’t honestly say that I would reverse things that I did that impacted others. So I learned that my actions hurt another…but was it worth that life lesson?
As for things that happened TO me, I can comfortably live with them all. I felt I need to approach it from both sides.
I hope you can find closure and peace.
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@Rick, geez, what’s with the typos.
would > wouldn’t
need > needed
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Absolutely not. I was hurt, quite badly, but 2 manipulative guys over the span of 5 or 6 years. I finally came to and realized I deserved better (unfortunately, not all girls are lucky enough to get to this conclusion on their own)…not to mention I needed to do some mending so as not to repeat my mistakes. And honestly, I credit the bad ex’s with my amazing, wonderful relationship now. I did a 180; this relationship (2.5 yrs) is totally different than any I’ve had before, and it WORKS. It MORE than works.
2.5 years later and I still want to gush each and every day about my wonderful Boyfriend to anyone who will listen. I’m so happy & in love, it’s actually a little disgusting, I think. And had I not had those 2 BAD eggs? I am certain I would not still be with the amazing man I am head over heels in love with today.
Pain & heartbreak suck. Believe me, I know. But if you can say you learned something from it? Then I think it was totally worth it.
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All the bad things, the broken hearts, the um… times I spent three years in relationships with complete dbags (yes, that’s a plural there.. it happened twice)… I wouldn’t actually change anything. I’ve learned so much from everything I’ve been through. I can see the positive effects of those negative experiences in my current relationships.
And, for the record, I think you write about infertility and a number of other difficult subjects with eloquence, grace, and good humor.
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I’m sure it doesn’t surprise you at all to hear that this post makes me hurt a little. Or…a lot, if I really told the truth.
But I am trying like mad to stay afloat, to stay above the water that is threatening to drown me, and fast. While I know that much worse things could be happening in my life, it’s hard to keep that kind of perspective right now.
I am encouraged, however, by all the comments thus far of your readers, who seem to all agree that the bad always either outweighs the good, or at least brings the good.
I just pray that part comes faster than it seems like it’s going to.
XOXO
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I wouldn’t change it, because I love my husband and I might not have found him otherwise. I met him only a week after the last time I was cheated on by the terrible boyfriend. I was a hot mess, and he loved me right through it.
I would like to go back and maybe kick the boyfriend in the sack, but . . . I’m sure someone has done that since.
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No. I was one person before and I was another person after, and I prefer version 2.0.
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Nah, I’ll take the crappy with the really good. I told my husband that if he had only great relationships before me, I wouldn’t have been able to find him. We were both really different people (young & silly) and it wouldn’t have been the same.
Of course, it doesn’t make the earlier hurts painless, but I’m rather happy with the way our worlds collided in the end.
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I would. I definitely would. I know this is horrible, but sometimes I feel infertility is a punishment for some of the things I did in the past. 😦
I send big ((HUGS)) to you and Cody too!
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Would I change my past? No. I went through a marriage that I wanted more than anything and found out that he and I had very different ideas of what we wanted in life. But experiencing that showed me what I did want – and it was only because of my ex-husband that I found the man of my dreams…and now have the life that I was born to live.
May you and Cody both find peace in the pain of your past –
XXOO
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i just wish i was stronger when my heart was broken….i don’t wish i never had the experience i was given, i just wish my reactions were more mature and i had more self esteem.
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I… don’t know. Part of me feels that I have to stop referring to my past (a rocky childhood) as my past and instead just view it as part of me and the experiences that comprise the whole of me today. But it’s hard to do that when you can pinpoint a specific time where there is an imaginary on/off switch that presents the notion that if you had completely avoided something, you wouldn’t have been hurt. But it doesn’t work like that. Life isn’t all green lights, sometimes we have to stop for red lights – and sometimes we feel like we hit every single stupid red light and why are they targeting me and then they make you run late.
So, I do think about it. I wish that I could change my past. I wish that the parts of me that feel broken, weren’t (I certainly would have lost weight way back when!) but I also don’t know where all of this is taking me in the future, so I have to hope that is good as well.
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As a firm believer in the butterfly effect (as in the concept of causality, not Ashton Kutcher’s acting), I always answer this sort of question with the affirmation that I would change NOTHING. I am the man I am because of everything I went through: painful and joyous moments, good deeds and illegal ones, heartache and rapture. If you take away any of those events, any of those experiences, then I am not who I am today, and I could not have made the family I did.
Maybe it’s too absolute. Maybe I would still have everything I do today, but I’m not willing to risk it to find out.
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This is a difficult question for me. I’d like to say that I wouldn’t change anything, but if I’m being brutally honest, well, then I can’t say that. I live a lot of my life in the past. It’s not something I do consciously. Why would I WANT to punish myself? I’m not masochistic. But sometimes I think that if my body could reflect my soul, all anyone would see is the scars. Most of it stems from childhood … mine was not a happy one. My mother hurt us in ways that still suffocate me on a daily basis. I was 26 when my 15 year-old little brother killed himself. I know where that came from. She has shaped who I am in ways that scare me. I tremble when I think about what kind of emotional imprint I’m leaving on my own kids. Did I hug them today? Did I hug them too much today? I struggle to keep the anxiety from boiling over and try to trust myself. But even trusting myself is not an easy thing.
And what if your husband is the one who hurt you? If his indiscretion from 9 years ago still haunts you? If his ability, from so long ago, to lie to you with a straight face and no conscience still makes 5% of your brain question everything he says to you, even though you try to tell that fraction of your psyche to shut the hell up?! Don’t get me wrong – the man has paid his dues, 100 times over. He loves me unconditionally and we are happily married with two beautiful children. But … when he “works late” at the office, you’d best believe that the tiniest part of my heart that will never heal has any number of conspiracy theories to offer up.
I fight every day to be happy. Some days, like today, I get sucked under. But in answer to your question … would I change it? I guess I just don’t know. If my childhood hadn’t sucked so bad, maybe I wouldn’t be the mom I am today (a good one, I think). And if we hadn’t struggled so much at the beginning, maybe my marriage wouldn’t be as solid as it is right now (because it is, no matter how vivid my memory may be). I guess the jury is still out for me.
Sorry for rambling. This post caught me on a Mountain Dew guzzling, chocolate peanut butter brownie devouring kind of blue day.
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I don’t know. I would be afraid that it would mean that I wouldn’t be where I am today, and I’m pretty happy here. But there are things that I hate, both for me and my husband. So I don’t know if I would, and I’m glad I don’t have to make that decision.
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Yes and no. I can’t think of one single moment that defined me, but I can think of several the profoundly impacted me.
Many of them, parents divorcing, sexual assault, diagnosis of screwedupness, were events in my life that I’d un-do in a heartbeat if I could. Others, finding and marrying my husband, I’d re-do 10,000 times.
I don’t think I’m a better person for having divorced parents or from having suffered at the hands of another person. I think these things scarred me on a deep level and that’s not what makes me me. It’s what pulls me farther from me.
It seems like I’m in the minority on this one, but that’s alright. That is often the case.
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nope. because it led me here and here is where i wanna be.
i hope you find your ‘here’ very soon. love you, love this post.
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I’ve talked about this with my fiance. He’s had his heart handed to him a few times, and we were both involved in a very complicated situation before we finally found each other. I maintain that I wouldn’t be the person I am today if the bad things in my past hadn’t happened – that tiny changes in my life would have meant I didn’t do this thing or meet that person or make that decision that eventually led me to him. He’s finally healed, and I think he agrees with me.
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I used to declare loudly that if I could go back and do it all again, I would do this and that differently. However, I have come to realize that the deep, dark hole of heart-break is what has made me– well, me.
If I got a “do-over” then I would miss out relationships and friendships. The heartache, as painful and dark as it has been, I feel will someday be worth it.
It better be, or I’ll be pissed.
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Actually…yes, I would undo it. What I did to one person…though not a person I was dating…was unintentional and yet, at the same time, stupid. I wish I could change it. I wish he stilled talked to me and didn’t hate me. But I’m glad I spent time with the man I was going to marry and not this friend who felt left out and later turned bitter.
Thanks for such a thought-provoking post.
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I was wrestling with very similar thoughts recently. And I came to the conclusion that, to a large extent, we are our scars. So, no, I wouldn’t change the bad decisions or the bad events. Just remember the lessons from them.
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My story… isn’t mine. It wasn’t my heart that broke–I was the one that did the breaking. I wonder and worry about him to this day. I want to apologize a thousand times over and make it better, but I know there’s no way I can fix what I did to him.
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I’ve never had my heart broken in a romantic relationship. But I have had my heart crushed by loss before, though.
But, like a lot of folks here, I subscribe to the “I wouldn’t be who I am today without (said event)” line of thought.
Great post!
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The moments that most profoundly affected and shaped my life … I wouldn’t change them simply because I did learn from them & they played a large role in who I am today. I just wish that more of those profound moments could be happy memories.
It scares me to think that my girls will have to have their own life experiences & that I can’t stop them or stop the pain, even knowing that maybe in the end something good can come of the tears ….
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In romantic relationships, no, never, wouldn’t change a thing. Those things defined me in small ways, and I wouldn’t change them for anything.
The one moment that defined me more than anything, though, I would absolutely change if I could. My dad died when I was 11, and it defines everything about me – my relationships, the choices I’ve made in my life, everything. Dealing with that has made me a better person, absolutely. But I would abandon every bit of personal growth in order to be a dumber, less reflective, less anxious, less fearful of loss version of myself with a dad around. 🙂
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I wouldn’t. Despite the fact that I bear the scar, I like who I am so much better because of that experience. My life would be so different without it, and I love my life as it is now.
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I’m too scared of the unknown to undo it. I may not love the life I’m living now, but at least I know how to live it. I don’t know what my life would look like if it all hadn’t happened the way it did. It might be better…
But what if it’s worse?
No, I don’t think I’d be brave enough to undo it, no matter how terrible it was.
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Nope, no way! I would not change a thing. I fully believe that I am stronger and see relationships entirely different now because of my past. I am afraid that if I could change any thing, it would alter the course that led me to met my wonderful husband.
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No way! Most people would say I should, that life would be a lot easier now if it was all undone. Sure, life would be a lot different, but I wouldn’t trade what I’ve got for what I might have had.
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I don’t know if I’ve ever had that moment that defined me or hurt me. I’m being completely serious – I really can’t think of it if I have.
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I’ve thought about this a lot. And as much as I wish I wasn’t hurt – because at times, the hurt has left me jaded, and far more so than I will admit – I have to admit that many of my life decisions were based off of the person who did the hurting (such as where to go to college, so on, so forth). And I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today without having followed the path I followed, so I can’t really say that I wish I hadn’t followed it. But if I could have done it without the hurt? Probably so.
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I don’t know, but THANKS for bringing it up (@#*&!!!) – I know I will probably dwell on now for who knows how long… It’s been 14 years ago and I can still FEEL it.
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I think every relationship before changes, defines and prepares us for our forever one. Had I not been a bit “crazy” in my single life, I’m not sure I’d be as happy settling down. Perhaps neither would my husband. Had I not dated so many D+s, I wouldn’t appreciate the A+ when he walked into my life. Yes, I’ve had my heart broken, but it helped me recognize the right person when he came along. The one that wouldn’t do that to me.
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I’ve been hurt severely an ddeeply in the course of my life. Starting in my childhood… then as a teen… again as a young adult… again as married woman seeking to start a family. Some hurt was worse than others.
One thing was the same every single time. One thing held me up and saw me through. God.
No hurt can scar me, damage me, or come close to destroying me. It might feel like it when I am going through it. But when, with His help, I come out on the other side… I realize that I’ve learned, grown, become a better me.
So while I’ve survived some truly horrible things… I wouldn’t change any of them. And I don’t question who I would be “if.” Because I really love who I am now. And I wouldn’t be the me I am now if I hadn’t survived those tragedies.
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Not one bit. When my heart was broken it was broken into smithereens…somehow out of it I learned what I can do. I learned to rely on myself. I learned how to deal with my own emergencies, my own trials and tribulations. Better yet, when I *did* meet the one, I appreciate him SO much more and I never take him for granted.
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I don’t think I’d change what happened, but I would most definitely change the way I reacted. And the things that I said. And the way I behaved.I’m older and wiser and more mature now, but I still cringe to think about it.
I also don’t have much tolerance for people going through it all. Sometimes I just want to shake the person and tell them to get their act together and have some pride, but I know I’m only trying to shake my 21 year old self.
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Yes. I would absolutely go back to that moment. And I’d change it. I think perhaps every problem I deal with on a daily basis goes back to that one moment. And I don’t feel like a stronger person for having gone through it. If anything it broke me. And no one and nothing has been able to fix it.
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I don’t feel that I had my heart so much broken…instead I think it was torn apart into tiny little pieces then run through a blender…a few times, over the course of about 4 years (yeah yeah stupid me).
But I wouldn’t be me without that and I can’t resent who I am now. I wouldn’t be as strong or as smart. I also wouldn’t be as jaded and gun-shy (hence being single for 3+ years), but you take the good with the bad because otherwise the good has no context and we would take it for granted.
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I just wrote about the very same thing! Ten years ago my world was shaken apart. I don’t regret a thing. It’s shown me that life is about loss as much as it is love, and that without experiencing both you haven’t really lived. I’m who and where I am today because of it.
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