I am the pregnancy rule.

Posted bycasey coombsPosted ininfertility

I’m writing this on the 17th of May, a day before my period is scheduled to come and nineteen days after I ovulated (and made out appropriately.)

Which means for the past nineteen days I have interpreted any tiny fluctuation in my existence to mean I am either pregnant or not. For anyone who has ever longed to be pregnant you know exactly what I’m talking about. Suddenly everything you do with yourself from the day you ovulate could have bearing on the entire future health of your hypothetical fetus.

Feeling a little barfy? It’s because you’re pregnant, ignore the fact that you ate some seriously questionable chicken fingers chased by lukewarm fruit salad and a flat soda the night before. Commence eating nothing but Gatorade and Saltines.

Cookies and cream ice cream for dinner one night? You just ruined their chance at a Harvard education by dumbing them down with chunks of frozen chocolate cookie in your first trimester.

Forgot to take your pretatal Flinstone vitamin on Wednesday? Congratulations your pretend (or is it?) kid is now going to have a flipper.

Fell down the stairs?* Whoops, you just knocked the little imaginary embryo loose and you are completely out of luck, thanks for trying, come back again later when you’re a little more graceful.

I even convinced my husband to go out at almost midnight to procure me a Cherry Slushee because there’s a chance I could be pregnant and the violent vomiting could begin any! day! now! rendering the enjoyment of a Cherry Slushee null and void for the next nine months because they burn so bad on the way back up.**

Speaking of vomiting, with the way my last pregnancy turned out*** I seriously consider everything I put in my mouth, because it could be the first thing to come up. (Seriously, with the moosh? I felt fiiiine, then one day, I kinda had a tummy ache, I ate some Cheerios for breakfast at 8:31am MST and at 8:43 am MST on April 15, 2004 those suckers came rocketing back up in the last stall on the left at Beehive Clothing. Nothing stayed down for the next 35 weeks. The last thing I vomited up? Lime Slushee in the delivery room, I told that nurse I was scheduled to puke just after 10 am MST and to hurry up and give me the Zofran already, however she went with a ‘wait and see’ approach. Lime slushee puke? 10:08 am, Zofran administered? 10:12 am. THANKS NURSE.)

So here I sit in limbo. Wanting so badly to troll etsy for baby stuff that was never around when the moosh was a baby.  Ignoring the overwhelming desire to enter every online contest for onesies and burp cloths and bedding sets. Putting off buying one of those “I’M A BIG SISTER” t-shirts for another month**** because frankly there is a possibility that the moosh may never be a big sister.

My time would be better spent vacuuming than dreaming up ways to tell my husband, my daughter, my family and all of you magnificent witty ways to announce my pregnancy.

But that’s just the thing, it’s so all encompassing, it changes everything. If I were pregnant it would mean that spare bedroom in a new house would be a baby’s room, not an office. People constantly offer the well meaning advice of “Just don’t worry about it and it will happen.” or “You think about it too much, just relax.” and then there’s my favorite, “I had this friend who gave up years ago and went out and adopted twins and a month later she found out that she was pregnant with triplets! Can you imagine!!!!1!!”

I have to remember when it comes to magnificent stories of conception they are all the exception. For every woman out there who miraculously becomes pregnant after a dozen years trying or after coming back from cancer or after going through a heart wrenching adoption, there are a dozen more of us out there who are the rule.

Those of us who pee on sticks every month to a single line or a blinking display of “NOT PREGNANT.” Those of us who will never become stories of “miraculous pregnancies.” Those of us destined to be ordinary infertile people that most of the pregnant world will feel awkward and uncomfortable around.

To those of you who are the exceptions? You’re welcome, because without people like me your stories would never be considered miracles.*****

_______________________________________

*I actually haven’t fell down a flight of stairs for almost a year. Yay me!

**Personal experience.

***For those of you who are new here I basically barfed myself into emaciation while pregnant from a soul sucking condition known as Hyperemesis Gravidarum.

****Honestly? I’ve been putting off this purchase every month for the last three years.

*****And that? Just sounded a lot more snarky than I intended. Maybe that’s why infertiles make fertiles feel so awkward?

87 thoughts on “I am the pregnancy rule.”

  1. It has to be hard, especially with mass social media like Twitter, where every pregnancy and birth for other people becomes an event, even if you’re only tangentially related. And you don’t want to spoil their happiness, but the whole time, you’re thinking, “Why not me?”

    Avitables last blog post..How to pronounce Avitable

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  3. It sucks. And it’s okay to be angry AND snarky. You deal with this your own way and if someone else doesn’t like it, they have the option of not reading about it.

    I don’t know any stories of miraculous conceptions, but I know many about faith. And I think that’s what we need to cling to right now.

    Overflowing Brains last blog post..4 long years

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  4. I can’t tell you how hard I’m praying for you to be pregnant!

    I’ve never met you, but I’ve been reading you off and on for a year, and I love the way you write and the glimpses into your life.

    Rheas last blog post..The Butt of the Joke

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  5. My existence should preclude me from writing this (I get the “not allowed to post where Casey can see it for the next few days” award) but I just wanted to make sure you knew I’m listening.

    As much as it doesn’t help.

    And again, I dunno if it helps to know this, but:

    I have a cousin in your shoes (well, on year 5 going for #1) and somehow our closeness can warp my ability to really listen to her. When I come here and read things in your voice, because you seem to put things in a way I can “get it” (dysons, shoes, uteruses, whatever), I hear it halfway as you, and halfway as her speaking. And it renews my patience and understanding for a while again.

    Next time you need to rant, I’d love to hear what you really want from someone like me (surprise pregnant with #2). Do you want us to shut up and hide? Do you want us to shut up and hide about the babies at least? As a mom yourself, you’re aware how much of my life the munchkin takes up, and proportionately how little I have to talk about when he’s taken out of the equation. Now that he’s a toddler, will it sting less if I blab about him when she calls, or do I need to keep saying nothing about him unless she specifically asks? Is that worse? – like when people studiously Do Not Look at a person in a wheelchair or with a physical deformity, to avoid staring?

    Unfortunately (?) I want to do the right thing, and sometimes it’s paralyzing. I can’t really just “be casual and don’t think about it” because I want so badly not to be accidentally hurtful, yet I don’t want to be so careful that it’s obvious and then hurtful.

    Anyhow, I figure if anyone can frame it for me (us, because I know I’m not the only one asking), you can.

    And, shutting up now? Except to say again. I’m here. I listen. I don’t “really” understand, but I lend heart groans when I read you need them.

    *hug*

    You’re a fave 🙂

    Dellas last blog post..(Basically) Wordless Wednesday

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  7. I love the last sentence you wrote (before all the ***:). I think you’re absolutely write. People who celebrate miracles only get to do it on the backs of all the people who suffered the norm.

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  10. I was so excited to read this I rolled out of bed just to see what you had to say. You’re spot-on!

    I just took a pregnancy test yesterday because my period was 10 days late! It came back “Not pregnant” and, to add insult to injury, my period started 2 hours later.

    Getting pregnant sucks unless you’re one of the rabbit people, thanks for writing this for all of us wwho make other people look like super-reproducers!

    Oh, and also? I hope your period doesn’t show up and that you’re pregnant as the day is long 🙂

    Parsing Nonsenses last blog post..My Life As a Sitcom

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  11. Not making me feel uncomfortable at all. In fact I found myself nodding my head in total understanding almost all the way through the post. I did the pee-and-pray monthly thing for 3 years with Princess and for almost 3 years TTC with baby #2.

    It was awful! The anticipation. The worrying. The disappointment. Nothing like TTC and infertility to make a person feel like a total failure. Even worse when you have family members getting pregnant at the drop of a hat.

    Good luck!!!

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  13. @Della-
    Honestly the answer to your question changes daily. But that is for me personally, everyone takes it differently.
    I am happy for you, I do want you to be excited about being pregnant, I am excited for you, just as I wouldn’t want anyone to say nasty horrible things to me if I ever turn up pregnant.
    There are some days for me and for your friend where things things are going to be really hard for us for whatever reason, please don’t take it personally. It’s just such a unique kind of pain.
    And I can say that this month for me has been the hardest I’ve been hit with the reality that I may not be.
    So obviously I’m a little meaner than usual, I don’t mean to hurt anyone and I really don’t want anyone who wanted to be pregnant or be happy about their pregnancy to feel any differently just because I happen to be throwing a fit that day.
    Did that even answer your question?
    *sigh*
    xoxo

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  14. I am 31 yrs old and have no children. On my 30th birthday I had a hysterectomy. I will never give birth to a child. At first I was depressed. All I ever wanted was to give birth to a child, and when I found out that would never happen, I felt like my purpose in life was over. Those feelings lasted a week. A very good friend of mine told me I needed to snap out of it. At first I was hurt. She was 34 yrs old and already had 4 children. Who the hell was she to tell me to get over it. Then she explained. Having the hysterectomy did not mean that I wouldn’t be a mother. It just meant that it would not come from my body. I would have to work a little bit harder at being a mother than most others. She told me that God still wanted me to be a mother, but he had other plans for how it would happen.

    I cannot fully explain but as I listened to her words I felt like I was hearing God’s words.

    Since my 30th birthday I have had 6 friends give birth to beautiful new babies. I have been there for all 6 births. Never once did I have a moment where I got sad about my own situation when they were experiencing one of the best days of their lives. I couldn’t have been more happy for my friends. And I shared in their joy knowing that one day they would be there for me as I became a mother.

    I read your twitter post last night.

    “Oh. I guess your wife is having a baby. *heavy sigh* congratulations. Have an extra shot of epidural for me.”

    I am very sorry that you are having such a hard time with this. I understand the frustrations of wanting something so bad, and just knowing that it may not happen. God has a plan for your and your family though. You have to have faith in that. In the mean time as you wait to see what that plan is, be thankful that God bless you with getting to have one of your own. I am not bitter that you got to have something that I never will. I am just sharing in your joy. Many prayers for you as you continue through your journey.

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  15. Found you through Twitter. Totally get where you’re coming from.

    The old “just relax and it will happen” adage was always the one that ticked me right off! Oh, okay; so if I relax, I’ll miraculously stop having a medical condition that precludes pregnancy, hmm? No one gives this advice for other medical conditions. Cancer patients are never told to just relax and they’ll get better. But for some reason, folks think it’s acceptable to tell infertiles this. It’s maddening!

    Both our sons are here because of fertility treatments. Negative pee sticks are horrid. Being surrounded by pregnant people is really tough when you’re an infertile trying to conceive. I feel for you. I’ve been there. I hope it happens for you soon.

    Infertility sucks. 😦

    Trishs last blog post..Shopping FAIL! Bedtime WIN!

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  17. My sister-in-law struggled for years to get pregnant, didn’t, adopted, adopted again, and is living happily ever after with two Vietnamese babies. The end.

    I’m of the opinion that motherhood is the miracle, and how one gets there is less than relevant.

    That said, I really hope he knocked you up. I want to hit etsy on your behalf.

    Mr Ladys last blog post..Something Old, Something New

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  18. I sent a friend the link to your site – she has been trying for over a year.

    I thought of you because I knew she would appreciate your humor – like you, she finds the whole process so unbelievable that she just has to laugh. The mental, physical, emotional, and financial toll that it takes on her and her husband is beyond frustrating, disappointing, and simply unfair.

    Thanks for putting yourself “out there” so that other women can share, laugh, be inspired, and cry.

    Alis last blog post..Because somedays the dog needs a little tlc.

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  19. UGH. I know. I SO KNOW. We took a four month break after three failed IUI’s, because the whole thing is really stressful. I don’t think people realize how much the little list of signs that you are pregnant can be applicable under so many circumstances. I feel like there are so many technological advances that they should be able to test for pregnancy on day 5 or something and at least cut some of the pain of waiting out.

    I will cross my fingers for you!

    Lindseys last blog post..Technology With Cath

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  22. Rather than saying any sort of “sorry” line, I’ll say – holy crap! You have a 19 day luteal phase? That is a LONG time to have to wait each month! I’m 14-15 days, and it feels like freaking eternity.

    We’re starting our first ivf cycle (lupron tomorrow). I had SO hoped to be one of those miraculous infertile people. Alas, it’s not to be. Now, I’m just hoping to ride the statistics and end up with an ivf pregnancy (which will also be a miracle, but more of a painful assisted one). But it certainly does shake my faith to have gone this long without a miracle.

    Hope you get yours soon!

    Heidis last blog post..The Rest of the Story

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  23. I feel your pain. And I REALLY hate those pee sticks.

    After a year and a half of trying and all that false hope, I did the best thing I could have possibly done for myself and spent $15.00 on eBay to buy 100 pregnancy tests. Now the waiting won’t kill me. Now I won’t get my hopes up. Get a twinge? Take the test to tell me what I already know: not pregnant.

    Moxies last blog post..So Yahoo! is a dirty, low-down, crooked post stealer

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  24. That wait is the worst. No matter how much you remind yourself that it’s probably NOT that you are pregnant, you still deep down think it is.

    Every flutter, twinge, pain, crying jag, outburst… there’s always a way to chalk it up to a possible pregnancy.

    There is no way on earth to explain what that feeling is like and the toll it takes emotionally. Only women who have been through it can really understand.

    So glad I stopped trying. Reading this and talking about it has reminded me just how hard it was and why I ended up giving up. Almost 4 years with no success, I don’t know how I didn’t go completely insane.

    Breighs last blog post..My Ten Secret Thoughts

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  28. THANKYOU. i recently had all three of my neighbours ask why, instead of having my newborn foster son, didn’t i just have my own kids? when i replied that, well, i couldn’t, they replied ‘sure you can!’ and continued with stories of those who are as you say exceptions. so thanks, it’s nice to have someone talk about us ‘rules’. 🙂

    roztimes last blog post..IT’S ALIVE!!

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  29. I am in a similar boat, though my head and heart are nearly to the point of giving up. So it’s not quite as raw for me (at least it isn’t today).

    Like you, I have been blessed with one beautiful, smart, funny, amazing, fabulous little girl. So sometimes I feel a little like a poseur for getting down about infertility — obviously, all of my plumbing worked one time, and that’s a heck of a lot more than other people can say.

    Not challenging your current feelings at all — I totally get it. But I was wondering… have you ever felt like a poseur, too?

    Is that a totally tacky question to ask?

    Love your blog, and even though I don’t know you I’m oddly happy that you’re staying in Indy. Indy needs more feisty chicks like you!

    Kets last blog post..New love

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  30. I can totally relate to this post. Coming down from an Entire.Week.Long.Visit from the “definitely-not-pregnant fairy”, I know how you feel. Too bad I dumped more money down the drain with those fertility drugs that obviously didn’t work well enough.

    Crossing my fingers that whatever magical pregnancy dust skipped over me this month hits you up!

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  31. When I was pregnant (first and only), I hated it when people would tell me all the miracle conception stories. Everyone was always convinced that having a baby would “fix” me. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t have any effect on my husband’s morphology, and I would fear to hope that my infertility would be “cured”. “But, it could happen!” says they. Because they are all doctors and totally know.

    Yes, I am still bitter even though I have a child. I’m still bitter because I know I have to suffer all over again when we try for the next baby.

    I agree; it sucks. It’s harder to maintain hope and be let down every month than it is to just be depressed about it and never hope. But without hope, there can be no faith, right? Goodness, just thinking about feeling all of that again brings tears to my eyes.

    Sorry for the bummer comment. I just meant to commiserate with you. Good luck. Really, good luck.

    Rebekahs last blog post..What’s the worst that could happen?

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  32. Here’s hoping the moosh gets to be a big sister in the near future!

    I completely understand the ever change or possible symptom automatically leads to the dreaded (at least in my head) thoughts. I’m even on BCP right now and I still talk myself into being pregnant each month and am disappointed each month. At least I’ve stopped crying over it after almost 6 years. One day, we’ll know why and it will all make sense.

    Good luck! ((HUGS))

    Erikas last blog post..Mother’s Day

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  33. I feel ya with the “sigh”. I feel that way whenever ANOTHER friend gets pregnant or gives birth. I have been TTC for 3+ years now for my 4th. In the last 2 years, I have lost 4 babies. One, a little boy near my fifth month of pregnancy. Its really easy for others to say, “Just relax and it will happen” or “Its ok if it never happens”, but the thing is, it isnt freaking ok. If it was I wouldn’t spend $30 a month on those damn pee sticks. (*speaking of which my fingers are crossed for you to see 2 lines this month). I dont get why God easily blesses some and makes others struggle so much, but I hope the struggle ends soon for both of us.

    Jenni/mom2njis last blog post..Grocery Deals 5/14

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  34. I have been on both ends of this spectrum now. It took two years of trying and hoping before my Baby D was conceived. I understand this pain and it really wrecked me every month. My weight ballooned, I was depressed.

    I don’t wish that on anyone.

    I am one of the exceptions I guess, but it sure didn’t feel like it for those 2 years.

    I’m hoping for you to be an exception too.

    (Arrived here because of Shawn’s tweet.)

    Heathers last blog post..Simply Joy Sunday #17

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  35. A perfect post. I am right where you are, except I’m still trying to have my first. After 8 years of trying and no clear reason for it not to work, I’ve all but given up. I made the mistake of watching The Discovery Channel’s “She didn’t know she was pregnant,” and for a week was convinced I was several months pregnant. Nah, just too many pop-tarts. But I try to focus on how good my life is. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a good cry every time a friend has a baby. I wish you nothing but the best and hope your dream of a sibling for your child come true.

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  36. “Your turn will come soon.” *sigh*

    With my first, I was sick a week or so after ovulation, so anything the day after ovulation is a pregnancy symptom. Sometimes I’m glad for the monthly chance to get pregnant, and sometimes I wish it were a longer break to give my brain a rest. 🙂

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  37. I so understand this.

    While adopting a five year old is wonderful and fabulous and I am truly blessed, my uterus shatters into a million tiny pieces with every birth announcement, every pregnancy of all those around me.

    What I would give to grow another of my own.

    But I had my turn I suppose.

    I only hope you get yours.

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  38. 19 days since you ovulated? That’s a super long luteal phase! If I were you I’d be peeing on a stick right now.

    In any case, I’m rooting for you!

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  39. I’m currently knitting baby blankets for a friend who is pregnant with twins. Three women I teach with are pregnant with their first, second, third… and I *am* happy for them. I am. At the same time I wonder why them and not me? And then I feel incredibly jerky because why NOT them? They haven’t done anything wrong.
    I’ve been told to “just” everything – “just relax!”, “just take out a loan!” (for IVF), “just adopt!” – and everytime someone says something like this to me, I wish I lived in a world where it was “just” that easy.
    So um. The nail? You hit it right on its head!

    Louises last blog post..Don’t you know?

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  40. This is all I want to say: I love you so, so, so much that all I want to do is drive over to your house with donuts and squeeze you SO tight that the 2 or 3 little pimples (that all woman have by their hairline) pop right open.
    There, I said it.

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  41. I’ll avoid the “I’m sorry” and all that jazz.

    Instead, I’ll just say that I hope this is the month, and if you happen to have that vacancy sign on your womb by BlogHer I’ll give your uterus a stern talking to. Maybe it works coming from someone else?

    Christinas last blog post..Haiku Friday: Nearly Done

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  46. Thank you for posting this. I have a friend who has been trying for two years, and your struggle helps me to better understand and support her.

    Admittedly, I am one of those “rabbits”: over the past four years, I was able to get pregnant 4 times in 5 cycles. I have an almost 3-year-old son from the first pregnancy; but last year, I had two miscarriages just a few months apart. It was devastating. But in a strange and sad way, that sort of leveled the playing field between my struggling friend and me. While it’s nowhere near the same thing, she stopped seeing me as perpetually lucky, she saw that I didn’t “have it easy” after all. She was a huge support when my world came crashing down. And I was able to get just a tiny peek into what she might feel when she goes yet another month without getting the one thing she wants the most… thus it was doubly heartbreaking. I am now 15.5 wks pregnant and I still haven’t been able to tell her. I don’t want to cause her pain AGAIN, because that hurts ME, too. It sucks on both sides.

    I would like to believe that most of us women really do care about each other and hope for the best, whatever part of the spectrum we ourselves we ourselves happened to fall into, and even when we struggle over the bumps on our own road.

    Thanks again for being so honest and open. Wishing you the blessing you so deserve.

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  47. I feel for you! It seems like everyone and their dog is pregnant with their second (and I was very lucky to have one at all) and completely blitheless about it. My 5-month pregnant neighbour is SO excited to be having a girl so that she can have my daughter’s recently outgrown baby clothes. This is after I had JUST told her I was once again NOT pregnant and depressed about it. Thanks for being so honest about your experiences, I feel less alone. And of course I will jump for joy if you announce your pregnancy next post!

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  49. Did all those silly mental tricks to myself this last month. Felt SO tired and nauseaus every morning for three days right before my period was supposed to arrive… therefore i MUST be pregnant!

    not so much.

    Reeses last blog post..Best Friends! Day One

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  50. Most people don’t understand that it’s just so all encompassing. You can’t stop thinking about it, it’s obsessive. It takes control of you, even when you try really hard not to let it.
    There are so many women out there that are dealing with the same issues, but to me, it feels like I’m the only one. Everyone I know is either pregnant or just had their 2nd or 3rd, or 4th baby.
    I’m just waiting for the lesson I’m supposed to learn from all this.

    Natalies last blog post..Letting go

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