healing my helplessness.

Posted bycasey coombsPosted indepression

I finally learned all the right words to “Silent Night” tonight. It’s the moosh’s favorite bedtime song along with “Baby Mine.” Since December I’ve hummed and la la la’ed through verses two and three when I wasn’t entirely sure of what went next. And let me tell you, the moosh has no problem letting me know when I do something wrong.

“What song do you want tonight?”
“What songs do you know?”
“I know Baby Mine, Stay Awake, Tarzan, Child of God, Silent Night, Rock….”
“No you don’t.”
“No I don’t what?”
“Know Silent Night.”

Schooled yet again by my four year old. Tonight I got up, dug out the hymnbook and made myself learn the proper words to “Silent Night.” I’m nervous that when the moosh gets to school kids will laugh at our version of “Patty Cake.” (I didn’t know the words so I made them up too.)

Patty Cake Patty Cake Baker’s man,
Bake me a cake as fast as you can.
Roll it, and smash it, and PACK IT WITH CHEESE!
Put it in the oven for mooshie and me!

I’ve always known my little kid is my life and it is a true blessing that *I* of all people get to be her mom. The past week has punched me in the face. Changed me in its own way. I’d like to say I treasure every moment, but treasuring entire bottles of pomegranate juice spilled on the clean blanket I happen to be sitting on is still a little out of my league. Then there’s the guilt. Heather will never find Maddie hidden in a corner eating an entire bag of Milano cookies and drawing on herself and surrounding areas with a permanent marker. Where is that line? The line that separates gratitude that I have a small marked up person who smells of cookies and Sharpie and the raging horror at myself that I let her get a Sharpie and a bag of Milanos and even worse that she was smart enough to know EXACTLY what to do with them?

I will never be perfect, whining will still make my ears bleed on bad days. However I can and will take the time to learn the words to “Silent Night.” To draw a heart in her peanut butter sandwich (remember circa 1986 JIF commercials? My sister and I DEMANDED hearts in our PBJ’s.) To stop off at the animal shelter to pet cats. To stand at the top of the stairs and blow bubbles down to her. To wake up (to her clobbering me) with a smile and a hug before demanding “FIVE MORE MINUTES!”

Most of all, I want her to know that her true friends and family are more valuable than anything else in this life. And I hope that I can instill in her strength, compassion and confidence so when the time comes for her to care for one of her friends more than she has ever cared for herself, she will be able to forget herself and go to work.

Three Purses

The only thing in this life that increases when we give it away is love.

Lucky for me I have lots to go around.

48 thoughts on “healing my helplessness.”

  1. for gosh sakes Casey even though I was forewarned this still just breaks my heart. You have such a way of cutting right to the heart of it. I luffs you to pieces!

    Jens last blog post..My Top Ten

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  4. You have more compassion and kindness than almost anyone I’ve never met. Your daughter will learn all that you want her to and more from you.

    Very honest, this post. Cherishing moments doesn’t magically delete the ear bleed causing whining, as much as we wish it would, and I am glad to know that I’m not alone in my guilt over that.

    pgoodnesss last blog post..Things I forgot

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  8. this – so much of this. you’ve been able to articulate so much of how i’m feeling. i moved back to this area so that my daughter will never be uncomfortable around the large family she doesn’t know. and like you – my fondest wish is that she has friends like i do.

    thank you for putting this into writing.

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  15. I think this is the part that has hit me the most and why I am thinking about Maddie and Heather constantly (Mike too).
    When I want to lose it and scream at the kids I think of Heather. When BG is driving me nuts kicking my seat in the van I think of Heather. When the cup of juice is spilled all over my newly mopped floor I think of Heather. And then I think of what Heather would give to have Maddie spilling the juice while kicking her seat driving her nuts in the van and I want to cry. I am so terrified now how quickly they can be gone. Maddie could have easily been any one of our daughters and that scares me. Does this make sense or am I rambling?

    midwest mommys last blog post..A Picture Story: The Doll

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  16. Reading of Heather’s story has really touched my heart. It has also brought to the forefront some very painful memories of my own loss (miscarriage) and my sister’s loss (premature daughter passed away). I am very sorry for Heather’s loss. I can see that you’ve been a wonderful friend to her and I’m sure she appreciates it, even if she can’t quite put it into words right now.

    Melissa Weisbards last blog post..The Joy of a Child

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  17. That right there? Is it all. Exactly. We aren’t perfect. And we can’t always enjoy what they do. But you are a great mom and you don’t take anything for granted.

    Plus you made me cry today when you were on the blog-radio show. I sure wish I’d had the chance to shake you hand last Wednesday. Dern that accident anyway.

    Vixens last blog post..If Only The World Could Stay Purple Forever

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  18. Thank you so much for this post – I know you wrote it for you but honestly, it was what I needed to (gosh, I am so narcissistic) hear – from someone.

    I know everyone keeps telling you that you are wonderful – but I’ll just add on – you are.

    I finally (after starting and stopping 3 times this week) was able to make it through Maddie’s tribute video. You were right when you said that you and Heather rocked it because YOU DID! Touching and yes, a bit heartbreaking, but also a powerful testimony to their lives together. It was so uplifting when you see such joy.

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  23. Vivid, gorgeous post, full of love and compassion…I can imagine you’re exhausted from the past week’s events, and yet here you are, managing to speak from your heart. You have such a gift.

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  24. Dh and I say that “friends are the family you choose”. Making those connections are so important. I saw it first hand when my Mom died. The love from others was my biggest comfort; from the friends who willingly and happily watched our dog, to the ones who drove hours from out of state just for the funeral. There will never be enough words to thank them for that.

    Wonderful words once again.

    Jamies last blog post..Why not avoid just a little more.

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  26. I sing Silent Night to Bear – also Away in a Manger. I thought it was sort of weird that I sing Christimas songs to him, so good that I’m not alone in thinking they are year-round lullabyes!

    This was lovely. You got it just right – we look at Heather and swear we’ll treasure all of it. And we do –we really do even when we’re upset or frustrated or whatever. We treasure.

    amy @ milk breath and margaritass last blog post..Talking with Bear

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  31. I teared up reading this post. I hope your friends finds the strength she need to continue. And may god be with her and her little angel.

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  32. That was beautiful, truly. I am left loving you and your friendship with Heather and hoping, beyond hope, that I have lived so far such that, if I ever faced this kind of pain, I would have at least one friend like you.

    anymommys last blog post..Snippets

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  41. Patty Cake Patty Cake Baker’s man,
    Bake me a cake as fast as you can.
    Roll it, and smash it, mark it with a !
    Put it in the oven for mooshie and me!

    😉 I can help you with that much at least.

    I think as Mom’s we walk the line between being grateful for our blessings (babies) but also acknowledging that motherhood is not rainbows & unicorns & big sloppy kisses EVERYSINGLEDAY. We hug our babies, love them, & make up the lyrics as we go along.

    All we can do is pray that we have the blessing of time to teach our daughters all of the important lessons. And to clean up the sharpie marks.

    Bellamommas last blog post..You Capture: Rustic

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  44. you are so sweet. the moosh is a lucky little girl!

    i saw you already had a commenter named natalie on here. i must check her out! i don’t know many natalies who blog.

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  47. Oh, Casey. I was giggling at “Pack it with CHEESE”, had a flashback to those Jif commercials (I always wanted a piece of bread covered in peanuts that magically turned to peanut butter at the stroke of the knife), then I got to that last photo and realized what I was seeing.

    I can’t even imagine how hard that funeral must have been. You are an amazing friend with a heart so big.

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