barren uterus, full heart.

Posted bycasey coombsPosted ininfertility

Here goes nothing.

Up to this point I have not had anyone get medically involved in my fertility issues outside my yearly spread ’em, scrape ’em, squeeze ’em. I didn’t have insurance nor was I completely sure that eight babies during law school was the best idea (wait, you mean not everyone that goes through fertility treatment gets eight babies? Bummer.)

This past Monday after a Blissful weekend I finally went in to see a doctor. I was in a jovial mood and joked about how I’d make him famous if he could get a litter into my uterus. We joked back and forth about the baby making process and about the appearance of stray body hair (Did I ever mention that I had PCOS? In addition to the occasional RUPTURE of a cyst on my ovary I had dark thick whiskers that grew from every crevice? I didn’t? Wonder why…)

When it came time for the actual exam, results and the real questions his face turned grim. I could tell he didn’t want to have to tell me what he found and what would have to be done about it.

I’m not ready to go into those details yet. With my upcoming travels through February and March it delays  what needs to be done due to timing. And focusing on what I’m going to have to go through will only cause me more heartache.

But let’s just say the answer is not as easy as a prescription for Clomid accompanied by a few months of hot flashes, scheduled sex and hormonal surges of crazy.

I’m going into this hoping to find the humor in it, for some reason I though being able to get pregnant would be natural. Like hunger.

You get hungry, you eat a cheeseburger.

You want to have a baby, you make out.

I’ve had so many sweet people email me thanking me for helping them through their own fertility issues. Some send pictures of their miracle babies, others send me photos of the little kids they were blessed to have through adoption.

I know there’s still some of you out there who can’t get babies where you want or need them to be. I can’t give up and lie to you about how much I’m hurting.

Because I am.

And I cannot be ignorant to all the kindness my readers have shown me. You don’t need to read this stuff, no one makes you. The world won’t stop if you don’t read my blog. But you do. And I’m grateful for that. Grateful that you take the time to send me hugs and kisses and chocolate.

@mooshinindy if it’s hell you have to go through then we will all go with you holding your hand. -@Adrienne

Thank you. All you faceless people and people whom I’ve had the honor of meeting. Thank you for letting me throw my little snit fit pity party.

Business as usual tomorrow? I’ll be discussing prenatal vitamins. If we can put a man on the moon and Apple can make the iPhone, why the hell can’t we make a prenatal vitamin smaller than the state of Rhode Island?

P.S. I’m leaving comments open as long AS NO ONE SAYS “I’M SORRY.”If you can’t think of anything to say besides “I’m sorry” then tell me your favorite kind of sandwich.

P.P.S. Oh, also, if I depressed you enough and you are an emotional eater HAVE I GOT THE GIVEAWAY FOR YOU! Martinis and Chocolate over at my review blog, you’re welcome.

123 thoughts on “barren uterus, full heart.”

  1. Well in lieu of saying “I’m sorry” I will just totally agree with you about the prenatal vitamins, those effin things suck.

    In all seriousness though know you aren’t alone in your struggles and that there is a miracle at the end of your rainbow – I can just feel it. There clearly NEEDS to be more Moosh cuteness running around 🙂

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  2. You are quite amazing to talk as candidly as you do in your blog. I envy you for that.

    I hope you enjoy your travels to NYC and that you get to visit Auntie Nettie. If you do, hug her for me. I miss her terribly.

    Kristins last blog post..WTF? Wednesday

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  3. I take a multivitamin, it comes in a tiny little pill. But those pre-natal ones, same junk different colour. No, they have to be horse pills. There’s something seriously wrong with that one.

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  6. I feel the pain of what you are going through as I have walked a path that required me to have in vitro to become pregnant with no assurances that it would work. I know the feeling of wanting it so badly and being dissapointed. I did become pregnant with invitro and know how frustrating it all can be. Hang in there!

    amys last blog post..Passionate about…

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  13. Sometimes I feel better knowing what I’m facing and sometimes it blows chunks and I want to go into a hole.

    You help people, babe. Even those of us who don’t have fertility issues but have loss. Or emptiness. Or if they need the courage to cop to depression.

    You help people. Whether you mean to or not. And that is awesome. (Especially for me, since I occasionally get to hang with you and have aforementioned whiskers ripped out of crevices by hot waxers n’ stuff.)

    P.S.
    Besides talking about those damn vitamins being the size of Alaska, if you could also ask the vitamin gods why the hell they can’t COAT A VITAMIN or put it in a capsule so it doesn’t taste so foul it is immediately hurled back up, I’d be grateful. kthnxsbai!

    Loralees last blog post..Sideblog: I kinda feel like a douchebag.

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  18. Casey –
    Post like this one are exactly the reason I love blogging. While I enjoy to read a post and laugh, I love even more when I can really hear the soul of the author in her writing.

    While my heart breaks for you, (really it does), I’m so very thankful that you let us in as readers, as friends.

    Hopefully someday in the not so distant future we will be able to look back at this post and reflect at how far you’ve come…as a wife, mother and as a woman.

    You know I love you.

    DesignHER Mommas last blog post..Checking off the bucket list in Nashville

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  20. Another sufferer from PCOS, how about that belly hair? Yum.

    My dr gave me a prescription for folic acid, and then told me to just take a Flintstone’s vitamin. Oh I loved that advice. I would always take 3 and then feel guilty … but they’re so good!

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  21. The only thing worse than those stupid horse-pill prenatals is that I usually have to combine them with the even bigger calcium supplements. Seriously, folks! Why do you give something that makes you gag to people that are already throwing everything up?

    We love you, Casey. You brighten our day. My best friend is going through the same thing, right now, right down to the PCOS. Reading your thoughts helps me understand hers. Thank you for your honesty.

    Oh, and I like nearly any sandwich that involves bacon.

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  23. Thanks for continuing to share your struggles. I was just diagnosed with PCOS after thinking that I’m healthy and take care of myself, everything will be ok. Oh well. Such is life. It’s at least nice to share the struggle with others.

    I say wallow for a little bit then get some energy back to come at it full force.

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  24. Hi Casey,

    Infertility does bite! Doesn’t it drive you crazy that some people can sneeze and get pregnant? Thank you so much for sharing with us.

    I feel lucky to have the two kids that I do have, for both it was difficult to get pregnant. I would love a third but it just isn’t happening! I had been told that I had PCOS also but I recently switched OB’s and the new OB changed my diagnosis to hyperinsulinemia. I make too much insulin which gets turned into testosterone. So I know what you mean about the hair! Long story short, I understand where you are coming from. Be sad, eat chocolate, we are all here for you. You are not alone!

    a.mens last blog post..runaway for fudge…

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  25. Now I’m even more bummed I didn’t officially meet you at Blissdom. You seemed really cool of course, but I hadn’t come across your blog before so I didn’t even know what I was missing!
    So, hi!
    Thanks for sharing something so deep & personal (and a little familiar to me too), with a refreshing bit of humor mixed in.
    I’ll be back to read more, that’s for sure!
    And seriously, those vitamins are the worst!

    Nicole aka Gidgets last blog post..Blissful Friends

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  28. Obviously when things DO work for you, they REALLY WORK, because look at the Moosh!

    I vote for making prenatal vitamins in the form of chocolate milkshakes. Except sugar free and fat free. That’s not asking too much, is it? 🙂

    Melissas last blog post..the first of many

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  31. Two Things:

    1) You know when guys see another guy get hit in the junk and they curl up with sympathy pain? When you said “spread ‘em, scrape ‘em, squeeze ‘em” I immediately shut my legs together — a gesture my girlfriends call the “venus fly-trap.”

    2)Do you have a theme song? You need a theme song. And whenever you’re feeling particularly depressed, you have to imagine your readership following behind you. Half of us would be singing the song, the other half would just be shouting “Caaaaseeey, Caaaaasey.” Even though you don’t know what we all look like, you can just imagine us as beautiful and fabulous because, well, obvs.

    Jenns last blog post..Too Late to Post-Date Some Entries, Huh?

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  34. favorite sandwich — italian hoagie. what can I say, I am from Philly!

    And for you, hang in there. and even though I am sorry to hear all this as I am new to your blog, I am looking forward to hearing where you go from here.

    meanwhile, thanks for reminding me I have a prescription for prenatals to fill. all vitamins, but the ones prescribed during my pregnancy make me sick! it’s pretty annoying.

    Courtney from Mommie Blogss last blog post..our little man…

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  37. I can relate to your story. After years of infertility issues, I had my daughter when I was 35, only to be told at my first post-natal appointment that I needed a hysterectomy and wouldn’t be having any more. It didn’t fit into my Master Plan, if you know what I mean, but I’ve learned to accept it and be grateful for what I have been given. I hope things turn out well for you and if not, that you find some peace in the end result.

    Andis last blog post..That figures.

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  38. I like reubens.

    All pre-natal vitamins made me vomit. I finally had to take Centrum Silver, the geriatric vitamin. Apparently I had an iron intolerance. If you know of a pre-natal vitamin that does not make you vomit, I’m all ears!

    HUGS and virtual chocolate being sent your way. 🙂

    Jen L.s last blog post..With this ring…ugh.

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  41. pretty much any sandwich from zingerman’s or the sonoma turkey sammie from quiznos. 🙂

    I took flintstones vitamins during both my pregnancies on the suggestion of my dr. That or nothing, cuz the others made the sickness worse.

    It should be easy and I wish it were for you. :/

    Pgoodnesss last blog post..Bad massage or screwed up neck?

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  42. If you have to do injections, I’ll be here holding your hand ~ but don’t be surprised if I faint immediately afterward. Love ya & all that, but the sight of needles makes my insides all twichy and gooey.

    Seriously, the Robin Williams’ style body hair can be indicitive of PCOS?? ‘Scuze me while I call my OB & ask why I was never told that about this …

    Bellamommas last blog post..5 to 10 in just under 6 aka Motherhood Math

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  45. Braeburn apple paninis with havarti or muenster cheese (depending on your country) and spicy brown mustard.

    3of3 ran around the house this morning saying, “Thank you, Moosh!” Thought you’d like to know. 🙂

    Mr Ladys last blog post..I Quit. Again.

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  47. It’s so frustrating when our bodies can’t/won’t do what they are supposed to “naturally” do. It’s aggravating (which is just another word for frustrating, but whatever). And then, it’s not discussed, people don’t discuss the problems or the feelings or the let down they feel. I have a BF who’s been struggling with fertility for the past 4 or so years; she doesn’t talk about a lot, but we can see it; in her actions, in her eyes and through her soul (which only BFs can see, of course). I’m grateful to you, for your voice, for giving those thousands of women who won’t/can’t share their story a voice. You are incredible, my dear. And, again, we will all be here to hold your hand and read your soul.
    Hugs & lots of love today

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  48. Sometimes I hate the way the world works. A person who can barely afford the kids she has is able to have IVF to have *more* while she’s living on government hand-outs (not knocking those who do, so no flaming. We used to be on them).
    People who should not be having kids (drug addicts who won’t come off the drugs long enough to birth a child, etc) are having them.
    Then those who desperately want a child, who would do most anything for them, aren’t able.

    I hate the world.

    *hugs*

    Oh, and: Grilled Chicken Caesar Pita. Chic Fa Le (whatever it’s called) has the awesomest ones.

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