Maybe if I sing Manilow classics through my nose it will happen…

Posted bycasey coombsPosted ininfertility

Nothing packs a wallop to a barren, unfruitful uterus like a Hollywood pregnancy. 

I’m not even talking about celebrities, which BTW, Britney? Why do you get two? And Angelina? Don’t even get me started.

I’m talking about movie pregnancies, television pregnancies and yes, even novel pregnancies.

I threw Breaking Dawn against the wall when I found out that little whiny human was knocked up by someone who doesn’t even produce sperm, just VENOM.

I screamed at the TV when Sun ended up LOST and pregnant on a deserted island with no one but her infertile husband Jin around to do the job.

Elizabeth the Golden Age? OF COURSE YOU CAN GET PREGNANT WITH THE QUEEN’S LOVE INTEREST THE FIRST TIME YOU DO THE DEED.

Meh.

There’s already a raging debate going on that romantic movies put too much pressure on everyday husbands who’s wives expect them to come home holding stereos playing Peter Gabriel above their heads every time they screw up. Fashion magazines put too much pressure on young girls to look flawless, tan and thin. Parenting magazines would have you believe that parenting is a beautiful joy spent surrounded by Pottery Barn furnishings and pastel clothing.

Well I’m here to say that movie pregnancies are just as bad.

There’s an ENTIRE MOVIE dedicated to getting pregnant off of a one night stand (and no, it’s not my kid in the movie.)

Yes, I know it can happen. Just like winning the lottery can happen.

But why my cousin can get his girlfriend pregnant, dump the kid on his handicapped parents,forcing them to adopt the baby, AND THEN GET THE SAME GIRLFRIEND pregnant again, even though they’ve had restraining orders on each other, twice, IS BEYOND ME.

I want to hear your favorite unrealistic pregnancy, real or theatrical. Maybe if I surround myself with so much ridiculousness I’ll be able to get pregnant while swimming through an ocean of fairies and twinkling lights while my husband is taking the bar and eating hot dogs half a world away while on my Barry Manilow karaoke world tour.

Hey, it could happen.

84 thoughts on “Maybe if I sing Manilow classics through my nose it will happen…”

  1. I’ll go first, because, well, I have no life and was one twitter when you posted. But mostly the no life thing.

    (True story)
    My grandmother had 4 kids, all 2 years apart starting in the 50s. When she was 47 years old, she was convinced that she had begun menopause and thus went to see her doctor about it.

    Low and behold, she was pregnant. Her children were 22, 20, 18 and 16. And when she told them, they laughed at her because they thought she was kidding. She subsequently stormed out of the room in tears and refused to speak to any of them for days.

    My grandfather was 49 when she was born and my grandma was 48. And I’m now closer to that aunt (who is closer in age to all of her nieces and nephews than any of her brothers and sisters) than to anyone. And um, she’s having a baby by c-section tomorrow morning (also true, I swear).

    Here’s to hoping that a little of my grandma’s magic fertility can be passed onto you and your family. And be kept far away from me and mine for a few more years.

    Overflowing Brains last blog post..Mirror, Mirror

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  2. My husband and I have always (ALWAYS) used contraceptive devices. Which is why I occasionally refer to our children as “OrthoNovum” and “Trojan.” I’m afraid if I send him for a vasectomy, we’ll end up with twins.

    WaltzInExiles last blog post..Hogmanay

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  3. I threw Breaking Dawn up against the wall for pretty much the same reason. It’d be the weirdest and most unrealistic fictional pregnancy that sticks out in my mind.

    The neighbors I had next door while I was growing up had been trying for years–maybe even a decade–to get pregnant. They’d had multiple miscarriages. A few years after moving in, they started fostering children. The third or fourth family (one of three children of a common mother)was one they had for nearly a year. The mother gave birth to another child, a daughter, and wanted the couple to have the option to adopt her before anyone else. They accepted, and happily began raising their daughter.

    I don’t think it was even two months later they found out that they were pregnant. They moved away, but my dad keeps in contact and they have two more children now. Just…suddenly fertile. Which kind of boggles my mind.

    Hope that adds to the ocean of fairies and twinkling lights!

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  4. Ok so I think I might have it….

    So I’m going to make up the names because in real life all of the girls names are Sarah and that makes things confusing….

    So there is Pastor B and his wife S. S has a younger brother named A and A has been dating this girl P since they were 14. Following so far? Well A and P get married when they finish high school and Pastor B and S are the best man and the Matron of Honor. Pastor B really takes P under his wing, over the years before and after P and A had been married. People always thought it was odd how close the family was but whatever. So A and S have this brother and sister in law that come back for a visit from a missions trip in Africa we’ll call the SIL V.

    How about now following??

    Ok so P and V are talking one day and out comes the secret. 40 yr old Pastor B and 19 yr old P have been sleeping together since she was 16.

    CRAZY RIGHT!

    Ok well then V makes P confess to the world and some how in a fit of rage S and Pastor B decide the take a roll between the sheets and BAM there comes their first baby after being married for 12 years no kids there’s number one!! If that’s not the worst way to conceive than I don’t know what is!!

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  5. Let’s see…my sister had stage 3 ovarian cancer and they said she would probably never be able to have kids. Well, then she popped out 3 big ones in a row. They were most definitely done having kids, the doctor told her she most definitely could not and would not get pregnant again. Then they adopted a beautiful baby girl from China, their one and only girl. Then earlier this year, my sister started having some weird symptoms and thought her cancer was coming back, went to the doctor, and guess what? She is knocked up again! With another boy! He was just born at the beginning of this month.

    Audies last blog post..My Body Sucks…Big Time

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  6. Lets talk my ex-bishop…when I was getting married…he was THE bishop. Anyway, let’s talk about how he left his wife to screw the UGLIEST chick in the ward…she was obese and already had 8 biological chilren with her first husband. Why…oh why? How come it is the classiest people in this world who get what they want…er uh don’t want?

    Loves and hugs sent your way. You are in my heart and prayers.

    Kimmies last blog post..Eighth

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  7. Pregnancy seems to be in the water here too, and my hubby is ready for another, but I’m not just yet.

    I’m under a lot of pressure from the family to try for a girl (I have boys), and even my oldest is wishing for a sister, but I just don’t think that it is going to happen.

    Wishing you all the best…

    Nicoles last blog post..What To Do

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  8. Oh, my least favorite movie/book ending has got to be when the romantic leading man kicks the bucket but the woman, in their one sexual encounter, has managed to become pregnant and the end has her cradling her belly, thinking that she at least has this new life/little piece of the man…ack. See: Cold Mountain (the book, never saw the movie), Horse Whisperer, and what was the Barbara Kingsolver book? Something about summer or a season…anyway. Blech.

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  10. I don’t know any random ones, only a relative who doesn’t know the first thing about her own life, let alone how to raise another human being, and yet…pregnant. I feel so sorry for the kid—if I could make it switch from her womb to yours, I would do it in a heartbeat. Which sounds weird and creepy, and I promise I don’t lose sleep over your womb, but really. You would have so much more to offer as a mother than this kid is ever going to get.

    Camilles last blog post..How to Survive a Multi-hour Road Trip in Five Easy Steps

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  11. My cousin Nikki ended up being pregnant with twin boys at age 17 living with her crackhead boyfriend named Cherry (hello) in his parents house.

    Her dad talks to her that she should place the boys for adoption, but her mother my Aunt talks her out if it telling her daughter that she can’t just give away her grandchildren.

    So she has the babies, does not place them for adoption, raises them in her boyfriends parents house and a year later she marries Cherry only to get a divorce 4 months later. And now she moves around like a gypsy.

    The kicker is she dumps her boys on her mom and her sisters for months at a time and her mom complains that she has to take care of them. If you are going to be so ignorant about the lifestyle you encouraged you don’t get to complain about it ever!!

    It is bitter watching the fertile out there make mistakes, with opportunities we don’t get.

    Kims last blog post..I am the party pooper

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  13. True story (not an episode on gray’s anatomy): A friend of my friend has two, yes TWO uteruses (or is it uteri?) but didn’t know it. They got pregnant then two months later they got pregnant again. So she was pregnant for 11 months straight. Now even when she is pregnant they have to use birth control. No joke.
    Here’s wishing your body spontaneously develops a second uterus. Love you.

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  14. So are you reading my mind or what? My husband’s cousin Carrie (not real name) has been with her boyfriend Charles for probably about 8 years. They had 2 kids back to back, Candice and Charles (Jr.). Not being able to provide for them, and having mental handicaps herself I might add, Carrie cannot offer her children a clean environment—or food, or childcare. For some reason that was hard; although her grandmother offered her the basement of their house to live in AND offered to watch the kids while she worked. So the kids get taken away, with absolutely NO visitation rights, and Carrie’s mother has them now–I think she’s going to adopt them. These kids are 8 and 6 1/2.

    Then Carrie and Charles break up. Carrie gets pregnant by another guy and miscarries. She and Charles get back together, and they have nearly 3 year old Charles Jason (called Jason–odd to name 2 kids the same name a’la George Foreman? Just wait). Jason has developmental issues as well, and Carrie and Charles refuse to get him therapy or any help. Although it’s state funded, they don’t want him getting help and refuse to see that there is a problem. So instead, they have ANOTHER baby! Another boy named Charles Braden.

    We met Braden when he was nearly 4 months old and didn’t weigh even 10 lbs yet. Carrie insisted on breast feeding because as long as she was breast feeding, she didn’t have to go back to work. Charles was pissed because he just wanted her to go back to work, so he could quit his job. (He ended up quitting his job because they took money out of his paycheck to pay his child support to his OTHER 2 children!–one was born before the first and the other was born during their brief broken up period.) So when we first met Braden, he was starving and screaming, and by the time Carrie decided to feed him, he had fallen asleep from exhaustion. She said he was full. I said I was going to go buy formula.

    So we saw them at Christmas, Braden is just barely a year, and Carrie is now showing again but says she isn’t pregnant. We’ll see this spring.

    All the while, I’m unable to get pregnant with another after a miscarriage a year ago and will start treatments this month. Karma? Hello?????? Good luck, Casey. You deserve more little cuties.

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  16. I know how you feel! Why is it that some people can get pregnant at the drop of a hat while others of us struggle. Taking clomid and scheduling the deed (every day for 10 days) kind of takes the fun out of it, and then you still can’t get pregnant! AHHHH!

    I feel your pain.

    While I struggle, I have very fertile sisters, most of them get pregnant while they are trying not to. One sister got pregnant with an IUD in place, and the other was using the pill and condoms.

    FOR THE LOVE!

    a.mens last blog post..Lullaby

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  18. Not funny, and not even about the getting pregnant part of the story, but the girl who sits next to me at the office told us she was pregnant about two months ago. Today the girl who sits on the other side of me announced she’s preggers too. They both have the same due date.
    I’m starting to worry if there’s something in the water…

    Vics last blog post..Vic the Vampire

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  20. So I too had to have IVF to get pregnant with my twins- and my pregnancy was a journey to hell and back (pre term labor, hospital bedrest at 25 weeks, birht at 30 weeks, NICU mom for 6 weeks…)

    and it pisses me off when I hear people (like a co-worker of mine) say “I forgot to take my birth control pill just ONE DAY” and I got pregnant.” Yes- apparently this happens.

    Damn it.

    Casey- I am sending you baby dust from new york!

    BTW- your daughter does look a whole lot like Judd Aptow’s daughter- doesnt she?

    mayas last blog post..2008

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  21. same things going on over here, i just haven’t had the courage to write about it.

    three months after getting married, i found out that i have polycystic ovaries and am not ovulating. talk about a blow below the belt.

    my sister runs away for ten months, lives out of her car, in random sheds, and on the beach … announces she’s pregnant on the INTERNET and never told anyone here at home. i broke the news to my parents who were bailing her out at every turn, they spent their 25th anniversary traveling to pick her sorry @$$ up and now she’s home living off welfare and WIC programs.

    to top it off, she came to us on jan. 1 and asked for us to adopt her baby. this has been the toughest decision i’ve ever had to face. and i feel like i’m going at it alone because hubby is studying for his CPA exam. i sit at home all day freaking out about how we will ever be able to make this decision. will my husband be able to love a child that is only blood related to me? will it cause problems with his family? can we afford this? etc.

    lindsaywillmans last blog post..I’m going to go join Winnie at his thinking spot

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  22. My ex-step-cousin (if that’s any indication of how screwed up this will be) broke up with her boyfriend when she found out she was pregnant with another guy’s child. The new guy was actually pretty nice, and even moved here from New York to be with her and raise their child.

    They had another child, and got married.

    Then after only a few month of marriage, my cousin decided she was a lesbian. Her new girlfriend with her own two kids moved in with my cousin, her two kids, and the soon to be ex-husband.

    Now, my cousin is pregnant by some new guy I’ve never heard of before. Luckily she is no longer living with her ex-husband, and the kids are also living with their dad.

    Michelle Hartzs last blog post..A Wish for the New Year

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  24. Ha, ha! Did someone else think it was the moosh in Knocked Up? Have you seen that little girl yet? There IS a strong resemblance.

    I am one of those people that gets pregnant really easily- on our first month trying we got pregnant with twins! Fertility is just not fair, and I sincerely wish I could share some of my own fertility mojo with you.

    I’m also doing the 365 project, but I don’t have a nice camera and I don’t have ANY photography or photoshop skills, so I’m hoping to see some improvement as the year progresses… and maybe score a new camera somewhere along the way. =)

    Marie Greens last blog post..Bonga, bonga, bonga

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  25. One of my best friend tried for years to get pregnant and after many tests and fertility treatments it was determiend that her body was allergic to her husband’s sperm. Or killing it. Or something like that. Essentially, they were incompatible in the reproductive department. Finally, through IVF they concieved a beautiful baby girl who just turned six. But not one short month after that little girl’s first birthday, my friend, who had not been practicing birth control, because she was told a hundred million times that she was incapable of having her husband’s baby without “assitance” missed a period. And just for fun, she took a pregnancy test. And it was positive!!! She was shocked, elated and pissed all at the same time. Shocked, well, for obvious reaons. Elated, ditto. Pissed at the doctor’s who put her through the hell of thinking that women go through mentally and emotionally when they realize they can’t conceive naturally. That all went away and the elation took over. Now they have an awesome 4 1/2 year old boy to match their 6 year old girl!

    Jills last blog post..Update on Spike (deja vu all over again)

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  27. My family is so fertile I don’t want to talk about it. I have a dad who’s older than my grandparents and an aunt who’s younger than I am. It’s mind boggling.

    Your cousin’s story is mind boggling as well. Good lord.

    Rheas last blog post..Ree, the Pioneer Woman

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  28. My 14 year old niece getting pregnant. Telling me she was going to adopt the baby to me. Then changing her mind. (I am unable to get pregnant)Then asking me to host her baby shower. And then having my brother shove the kid down my throat all the time. He’s a proud grandpa. And then she got pregnant again and

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  29. I have one ovary and was on birth control. We got pregnant the first and only time we didn’t use “other” additional protection. That was a surprise.

    My cousin and his wife went through fertility treatments for years and IVF two times before they were told that she had a structural abnormality that would permanently prevent her from getting pregnant. So they adopted. A year later, she had a beautiful baby boy.

    It’ll happen when you least expect it, I’m sure (although I’m also sure you probably hate hearing people say that!)

    Hang in there 🙂

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  30. I had a hyst at 24 because of the seriously bad depression mirroring my mothers and well I know what happened to her and that can’t happen to me. So I’ve got two kids, am always sick, and know I can’t handle my own kids and another horrible pregnancy. A year later, the baby hunger is bad. my deal with my husband is we can adopt after I’ve been healthy for a year. That probably won’t happen for a LONG time. So I try for a dog. If I can’t have a baby I can at least have a dog right? I mean that way if it gets to be too much we can share with another family. But husband won’t go for it until we find a poopless dog. He doesn’t get the fact that my breast are empty, so empty, I just want my body to do something right. Whatever so my unrealistic pregnancy dream is that we can harvest sperm from my husband who had a vasectomy a month before I found out I had to have a hyst and then harvest eggs from my barren body and we find a surrogate we trust who can have my baby for me. Or I could just buy an Amarican Girl doll and be a pathetic loser pretending a doll is my baby.

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  31. Been on the receiving end of all the advice — relax, have your dh wear boxers, try herbal tea, try Robitussin.

    Clomid was our magic bullet. Left us with one kid (our third) who we adore and can’t imagine life without, but about whom we sometimes scratch our heads and say “be careful what we wish for!”

    Amys last blog post..Visiting the church of O

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  32. Here’s one. My Ex-step-sister was and is a drug addict prostitute.

    She had 4 drug addicted babies basically one right after the other. That was about 17 years ago. She’s been pregnant off and on over the years and has had miscarriages. The kids were taken away from her when the first was 2 and the second was 1. They were placed with her drug addicted alcoholic grandfather(because he’s a functioning addict.)

    About two years ago, the second child- 14 years old commits suicide to get away from her life. The oldest is now 17 with two kids. The two youngest were removed and placed with my mother (which is no better) because finally someone saw the mother L and her mother C (the grandmother) beating on one of the youngest (now 15) in the street.

    Turns out my x-step-sister who is pushing nearly 40 now and a meth addict is pregnant. She is married but her husband is and has been in jail. Last I heard she was talking abortion. I hope someone took her. The life the children have been through and the lack of protection from anyone…no one deserves that. These kids have just been paychecks for drugs.

    Well, I think you know about my half sister. I’m raising her 5 kids because the father killed the baby. I was thankful that she had herself fixed after the last baby but I heard that she was pregnant months after the baby was killed and had to be rushed to the ER because it was a tubal pregnancy. WTF?

    It runs in their family. Their Aunt kept having kids despite being told that she could die because it meant more money from welfare. Despite having a premature child who almost died and who she left in the hospital to go live in another city with her “man”. As soon as they put a cap on how many kids they would cover,she stopped having kids.

    Here I’ve waited, put myself through college, bought a house and a car, got married and now probably will never have children of my own because I can’t afford to having 5 kids to raise already. I am so sick of people telling me I am “set”. I guess I would liken it to someone probably telling you at least you have one… you know? Sorry to go off, I just wrote a post about this. lol

    Oh and Twilight…what about her period? That blood doesn’t count? lol

    Sashas last blog post..Calling a spade, well, a spade…

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  33. I completely agree. How about the secretary who had 2 kids by a guy in jail and then he is out for probably a week and she gets pregnant again. I mean really. I am totally on the same side with this pregnancy issue.

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  34. We didn’t want our oldest to make it to 3 without a younger sibling, and it took a full year for us to get pregnant with her, so I planned out a window of opportunity for when we can start trying, right around her first birthday. We got one try in, that first month, but the timing was way off (if you know what I mean), and then a hurricane threw everything out of whack and when things calmed down it was too late. I figured we’d just try again the next month. Nope. I was pregnant. To this day I still have no idea how that worked.

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  35. Well, my stort isn’t way too out there but…I got pregnant with my first daughter about 2 months after I was married. I was using the “whatever happens, happens” method. When she was 17 months I decided to try again which turned out to be a good thing…a couple of days later I found out there was no need to try, I was already expecting. About a month before that daughters first birthday, I took a test mostly as a joke because it had been awhile since aunt flo had visited. I figured my cycle was still just working itself out and dropped to the floor sobbing when the test turned positive within seconds. So really no trying necessary for the first three. Just after my son’s 2nd birthday we decided to go for number four and wouldn’t you know it got pregnant right away. However, when I went in for a 9 week ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. So the first child that I actually TRIED for, I miscarried. I did get pregnant again and number four will celebrate his first birthday in a couple of days. And now? I keep finding myself confronted with weird things making me think that I am destined to have TWINS. For example, I read a book where a secondary character WITH MY NAME was preggo with twins. And the next book I read? The main character ends up preggo with twins. And that is just the tip of the iceberg! If I end up preggo with twins? We will have them transferred to your womb. Okay? Okay. Because I am done having kids.

    amandas last blog post..Expanding our Family

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  36. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slap a spoiler warning on that Breaking Dawn tidbit, would ya? Some of us are still in the Twilight zone! 😉

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  37. I was nursing my 11 month daughter, on birth control, AND I have polycystic ovaries, and I found I was pregnant with my son. This is after doing fertility to get pregnant with my 11 month old daughter for 2 years!! Go figure. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.

    Ambers last blog post..How to make a mess

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  39. I’ve been teaching for 5 years years and could tell you numerous insane stories. Like one of my kindergartners this year. He has a 2 yr old brother, 1 yr old brother, and a newborn sister. Mom and dad repeatedly abuse each other (Mom goes after Dad with a knife in front of the kids!) but nothing I can do since my student isn’t being touched. We can just suggest the free counseling services available. I just pray she doesn’t get pregnant again!

    My favorite unrealistic pregnancies have to come from Days of Our Lives. Seriously pick a character and there is some totally messed up story!

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  40. While at my last job, I suffered 4 miscarriages in 5 years. During this time, my co-worker’s young, umarried daughter had two babies by two different fathers. Yeah, I was a little bitter to say the least.

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  41. My friend was diagnosed with fibroid tumors when she was 40 by her gyno. They decide to do a hysterectomy and needed some sort of ultrasound or scan thing before the surgery. The tech asked when her last period was, and my friend said the wrong date (a week later than when it really was). The tech then said they had to do a pregnancy test, per policy, because the scan they were about to do would abort the pregnancy. My friend swore up and down she just said the date wrong and she wasn’t pregnant. Lo and behold, the test was positive and if my friend would have said the correct date, we wouldn’t have three year old Sophie running around. Go figure.

    Domestic Goddess (In Training)s last blog post..Pass the Prozac, Please

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  42. I was told by my doctor that an IUD was like reversible sterilization. She was wrong. I got pregnant anyway. Then I found out that another doctor in that clinic, and a doctor’s wife BOTH got pregnant also with IUDs in place. Let’s just say that if I hear of anyone contemplating that type of birth control I tell them to run away. Quickly.

    My sister-in-law’s sister-in-law was told that she could never be pregnant, so they adopted a little boy from Taiwan. A year later, right before her husband left for a tour in Iraq, she found out they were pregnant.

    I’ll never understand it.

    Mrs. Wilsons last blog post..Winter Photo

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  44. Gah, I feel you. This was me for 6 years. The worst was when my completely fucked up sister in law sent us a card saying she was “pregnate” and when were *we* going to have a baby because she was tired of waiting.

    She’s lucky she’s still alive, and I’m lucky I’m not in prison.

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  45. My favorite unrealistic pregnancy happened on a soap opera. I can’t remember which one it was, but I saw the clip on The Soup. Basically, a man in his forties discovers that the girl he screwed around with & impregnated actually used to be a man. AND actually was his SON! that’s right.

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  46. the vampire pregnancy aggravated me into a frenzy, but that was only part of why i threw “breaking dawn” against the wall. (jacob and renesmee? are you freakin’ kidding me????)

    oh, but i guess i’m off-topic.

    the thing that ticks me off these days is rash of celebrity twins. what is THAT about????

    the planet of janets last blog post..I hear the quadriceps singing

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  47. I think you wanted outrageous movie pregnancies. I’ll add Pirates of the Caribbean, if you stayed to watch the credits after the 3rd one. Will Turner gets one day every 10 years with Elizabeth. On his 2nd visit his 10 year old son is waiting for him.

    threeundertwos last blog post..Memory reset in progress

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  48. I’ve got nothin’ for you… other than the fact that by checking blogs yesterday (I don’t check all the private ones as often) I found out 10 (YES 10!!!) of my friends had announced their pregnancies in the past month.
    Am I feeling left out, or what?!

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  49. I don’t know about any unrealistic pregnancies, but being a member of the “barren, unfruitful uterus” club, it drives me crazy when women that are pregnant complain all day about it, and working with them every day is worse. They are so blessed, but complain so much about it. It kinda hurts. I have made a vow, if I am every given that blessing, I won’t complain. To me it’s worth all the plain and aggrivation to hold your baby in the end.

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