Has anyone seen my answers?

Posted bycasey coombsPosted ininfertility

How much of me wants to be pregnant because I can’t?

This whole pregnancy thing goes in waves. But lately I’ve been beaten in the face with too many “why her and not me?” situations that the whole “WILL CASEY EVER BE PREGNANT AGAIN?” dilemma is beginning to eat a part of my brain previously saved for saving puppies, playing sudoku and baking cupcakes.

My big attitude of “MEH” towards the whole topic was smashed to pieces over the last month when both of my parents and crotchety old grandma asked why Cody and I weren’t producing more awesome with our reproductive parts. They never had to worry about “when” or “how” with babies, they just popped in and came out when they wanted them to. Same with my grandparents. Then there was the lady on the plane.

“So when are you going to make her a little brother?”

REALLY?

PEOPLE ASK CRAP LIKE THAT TO TOTAL STRANGERS?

I know Cody wants more babies, and he wants me to be a mom to more babies, he likes the way I do things. Cody wants to get me pregnant more than any man has ever wanted to impregnate a woman in the history of reproduction. It’s really hard to tell him each month that my body failed at making us more babies yet again.

I want to be pregnant. I liked being pregnant, I liked having that bump, feeling a little person kicking the daylights out of my internal organs. I even miss worrying that I would pop her head open every time I crossed my legs because the little kid decided to LODGE HERSELF in my crotch early on.

I don’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t like knowing what every food on God’s green Earth tasted like in reverse. I didn’t like having to eat only to have something to barf up an hour later. I didn’t like constantly feeling like I had drank my weight in cheap beer. I didn’t like having to plan my life around when and where I’d be when the need to barf hit me. I also didn’t like paying so much freaking money on medicines that only helped me barf a few less times a day.

I want to have another baby. I like babies. I really liked my baby and I really love the little kid that my little baby is growing up to be. I really love my sister and I really want my little kid to have a sister or brother of her own. I like this whole mom gig, while I’m not alway at the top of my game, I feel I put forth a game worth performance.

I don’t want to have another baby. Newborns, sleepless nights, barf, poop, diapers, manners, teething, time-outs…I think you get my point. If I were to stop with the moosh she’d be 18 when I turn 40, plenty of time to become a doctor or an acrobat or something.

Why all this mess and confusion? Why such a teeter totter of emotions?

Because.

Life is confusing and full of sucky sucky trials with no instruction booklet.

In my church back home in Indiana I have watched 46 pregnancies in less than three years. I have watched over a dozen women be pregnant twice, AND THAT’S JUST WOMEN I KNOW FROM CHURCH. There are quite a few women who have a child the moosh’s age AND TWO MORE younger than her. I have watched even more women go through pregnancy on the internet.  (To all the lovely ladies to whom I’m referring, especially the three dozen pregnant ones, I’m happy for you, this is nothing against you, please don’t take it personally. It’s just really hard for me. It’s not your fault you can get pregnant, so quit apologizing.)

Outside my church most women my age don’t have kids. Let alone two. Only in my chosen faith am I the lame duck. It’s not a commandment that women get knocked up young and often in the LDS religion, it’s just what seems to happen. Which leaves a lot of us women of the LDS faith feeling like we missed the booth where they were handing out fertility on our wedding days. 

Which brings me to adoption. I have a fierce admiration for couples who choose to adopt and am always brought to tears when I see a new family made by the sheer awesomeness that is adoption.

But I have never felt like it is for me.

Just as you may feel that a tattoo, marriage, children or Law School may never be right for you.

I wish I just had an answer.

Sometimes I think I won’t get pregnant because I couldn’t handle it, two kids, the PPD, the pregnancy. But then I read that Dooce is pregnant and the bitter hag that resides behind my kidney thinks up all sorts of horrible things. (Totally jealousy talking Heather. Sorry.)

Sometimes I think it’s just not the right time. Law school. Debt. Thousands of miles from family. Crummy insurance. But then I see plenty of other women with no committed partner, no family, drug addictions, no real home, no common sense and no insurance get pregnant. (Not to mention the ones that aren’t even old enough to get a driver’s license.)

Sometimes I think I’ll never be pregnant again and should just move on.

Get over it, you know? Part of me is actually envious when women have an absolute answer to their fertility, either they don’t have the parts, their husband’s don’t make the stuff, or they’ll die if they try. How’s that for an absolute? But that’s not acknowledging all the trials and crummy stuff they have to go through when that news is passed onto them. Surrogates? IVF? Sperm donors? Adoption? 

No one has it easy. 

Sometimes I even think that maybe I birthed my fallopian tubes along with the moosh and have no reproductive organs left. But then my period comes and I’m reminded once again that “DEAR CASEY, YOU STILL HAVE ALL YOUR PARTS AND GUESS WHAT? YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT.”

I used to be optimistic that because my body birthed a healthy baby once, it could totally do it again. Nature didn’t screw up on me, my parts knew how to get pregnant and get that kid out in one piece. 

I still am that kind of optimistic sometimes.

Other times I’m just plain ticked that I know DARN WELL that my body knows how to get pregnant but refuses to.

And then there’s that part of my brain that thinks “You did so well with the first one, why risk getting a dud the second time around?” Don’t roll your eyes at me. Enough mothers have admitted to me that fear of getting a different deal the second time around. (Sometimes even the first time.) While ultimately I would gladly take whatever child God sees fit to bless me with, I wonder what the heck I’d do if I had a kid with straight hair. How would I pick them out of a crowd?

I know my body can get pregnant. I know my husband can get me pregnant. I know that I could provide another little kid with a home, and love, and kisses, and snuggles and bedtime stories and songs and trips to the ice cream store and the best big sister ever. I know I’d do a good job even though I also know I’d second guess my decision every other half hour for the next, oh, until I die.

I’d try and do a really good job, the best I know how to do, if I could only get my womb on one.

97 thoughts on “Has anyone seen my answers?”

  1. I think of all the reason why I shouldn’t get pregnant. $, small house, my medicated self. Then someone says “No time is the right time, just do it!”. And I’m all, “Hell yeah! Let’s do it!”.

    Then my husband and I talk about $, small house, the stress of 3 kids and talk ourselves out of it.

    Lottas last blog post..Contests and Coyotes

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  5. I feel with you. And good luck!

    My first pregnancy was an ‘Oops!’, so now that we’re actively trying it feels like it can’t happen soon enough. The worst of it? THE WAITING. If the egg doesn’t intend to get down with a sperm and get hitched on the wall it shouldn’t bother to come out and play in the first place.

    Grys last blog post..Not the chosen

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  8. I’ve heard that secondary infertility really sucks more than the first time around. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s true…
    My best friend has a girl 2 months older than my son (20 months) and she already has another new baby (6 weeks).
    Another friend has a girl just 4 months older than my son and her second is already 8 months. What’s up world?

    Kristas last blog post..Blog Party Guidelines

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  11. With all due respect to your religious sensibilities, “Fuck!” OK, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I can continue.

    We (my wife and I) could have written this post a year ago if we blogged about our secondary infertility. (She wanted to keep it private.) You articulated it beautifully, though.

    (And yes, people, even complete strangers, will ask parents of a lone preschooler when a sibling is coming. I cannot explain why tact, or respect for people’s privacy, has become a lost art.)

    I believe it will come for you, Casey. Not that my beliefs are worth much, but I do believe it.

    SciFi Dads last blog post..Reflections

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  12. You’re in my head, reading my thoughts. Really, you are.

    When I was younger, like 19 & 20, and in the middle of nursing school and not married, and no way could this happen even though I was with the most perfect guy ever… it happened twice. I lost both of them.

    Now that I’m married and life is rough but this is the time, and I’m ready. Really READY. And I want it more than anything? I’ve been diagnosed with a tumor of my pituitary gland. It screws up the girl hormones, and takes away my ability to have a period – which also takes away the ability to get pregnant… it’s like I’ve been in menopause since age 26.

    As we were getting ready to be baptized last year, right about this time, there was a faint glimmer of hope. Nausea, fatigue, weight gain, boob tenderness, the whole nine yards. Hubby and I were on cloud 9. But after 3 home pregnancy tests that were negative, and a couple more at the doc just to make sure, we found out about the tumor.

    I’ve been through a few rounds of meds trying to whip this thing into submission (not cancerous, just making things wonky) and nothing seems to have worked yet.

    This will be my 34th birthday. Every time I look in the mirror I see my biological clock screaming back at me. My younger brother is having his first, my niece 8 years younger than me is on her 2nd, my cousin 1 year younger than me is on #2 as well. And as much as I want to be totally completely happy for them, to be the best aunt/cousin/whatever that I can be, each time I hear the news, I want to curl up into a ball and cry for days.

    My mom is over the moon about her first grandchild (aforementioned niece is not from my half sister, so this would be biological grandbaby #1). And it should be ME… y’know? *sighs*

    I think we should all go to Australia and play in whatever waterfall Nicole Kidman swam in….

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  13. You’re in a situation that no one should have to be in. Wanting a baby but being scared of carrying it. Remembering all the joys and all the pains of pregnancy with the Moosh. It’s not fair at all and if any one of us could be helpful, you know we would.

    I’m sorry that you have to be in this position and you’ve already shown you have more grace than anyone your age should (which makes me sound like I know your age…). I truly believe that that grace, along with your faith, will carry you through.

    Overflowing Brains last blog post..Refocus

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  14. And also, out if sheer curiosity, do you need fallopian tubes to have a period.? I thought that was all about the uterus.

    And also, I think I just confirmed that I have neither grace nor wisdom beyond my years.

    Overflowing Brains last blog post..Refocus

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  16. I think having another child is a tough decision for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. You certainly have been through the wringer – wasn’t it worth it though – I know you think so…

    Many of us can cheer you on and try to help convince you that the sacrafices you’d make during pregnancy is well worth the outcome. I didn’t have those sorts of challenges that you did during your pregnancy, though I can see how one would be scared shit to do it again.

    But I can understand the not being able to conceive part. We had inftertility issues and it took us 11 years to have 2 babies (they’re 6 yrs apart). I totally get that yearning part, the disappointment when another month goes by. Ya know what too? My first born has Autism, and 6 years later I was still scared to death that it would happen again or worse yet be even more severe for the next child. So on some level, the anxiety of thinking about all things that can go wrong, I’m there with you because I’ve been through it too. But we (I) decided I was strong enough to take the risk, because the reward would give me a lifetime of smiles to make up for the explosion of worry in my head.

    I pray good things come your way soon Casey!

    Andrea in INs last blog post..Day 30 – What Gets You Moving?

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  17. I feel for you. I too struggle with infertility. I questioned my body and what it wasn’t doing for me every month. I questioned my parenting, thinking that maybe God didn’t think I was a good enough mom for more kids. All that ran through my head for years.
    Amazingly, it all worked out for us. I pray it will for you too.

    kjs last blog post..Cut it off!

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  18. I never knew so many people had trouble getting pregnant til I started reading blogs because people don’t talk like this in real life. Seriously posts like these remind me daily that my two little ones are truly a blessing.

    midwest mommys last blog post..Not Me! Monday

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  19. Booo… I am starting to get where you’re coming from. 4 neg tests in a row, soon to be 5 I’m sure. Granted that’s just a fraction of what you’re dealing with but DAMMIT it’s frustrating! The worst part is that the people that know we are trying keep saying dumb things like “You don’t want another kid this soon anyway. Trust Me” Like they know what I want! Jerks!

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  20. My body sucks too and no doctor so far can explain how I had a prefect pregnancy before and now don’t even have periods. I’ve gotten to the point now that when people ask about having more, I just say, “no, we’re happy with just one” it’s way easier, and strangers don’t need all the details of failed attempts and how much it hurts every month that passes and I’m not pregnant and I don’t need the pitty look that always follows if I do devalge that I’m a healthy 23yo who can’t get pregnant.

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  22. I understand. There are many of us out there in your situation. There are the days that I’m ok with not having any kids and just being a great Aunt, and other days when I am so angry with everyone I know who is pregnant. My sister has 3, my best friend has 2, my brother in law has 1, everyone in my office is pregnant everyother year. The only thing that can be said is what ever decision you make you’ll still have your family.

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  23. it’s totally NOT FAIR for women who WANT TO HAVE BABIES to not be able to have them.

    i’m one of those that could get pregnant through email…i’m super fertile. and my best friend? not so much. had several (we’re talking more than 5) rounds of ivf to get her first daughter. took another few to get #2…and then MIRACLE! when her second was 5 months, she got pregnant on her own!

    the body is a total mystery. and sometimes it just SUCKS. hugs to you, Casey!

    alis last blog post..broken limbs and apple-themed decor

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  27. I think about having another kid all of the time but ultimately, I have become greedy with my time and don’t think it will happen. It doesn’t stop me from fantasizing though and it’s hard emotionally too.

    Giyens last blog post..Food Porn

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  29. I firmly believe two things that apply here: 1) Everything happens for a reason. 2) Thoughts become things (or, in your case, Moosh siblings). So perhaps you’re not getting pregnant because you’re just supposed to have Moosh. And perhaps you’re not getting pregnant because in your heart, you haven’t decided if you really want to have another baby. Maybe once you decide that you really do want another, pregnancy will happen for you.

    Just my two cents. I don’t have children. And the closer I careen toward 40, the more I presume that I won’t be having any. But we never know for sure, do we?

    Beths last blog post..‘Breakable You’ …

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  30. The worst questions are when you’re not pregnant, don’t have kids, and aren’t planning on ever even trying, but still you constantly get peppered with “So when are you two going to start having kids?” like just because I’m female and have a womb then obviously that means I want a kid and my life and family won’t be complete without one/two/a whole football team of ankle biters.

    Not saying I dislike kids–every time you post a Moosh pic, I want to gobble up all the cuteness–but people need to mind their own damn business and realize that different people want different things out of life.

    I hope things work out for you and Cody the way you want them to. That must be hard wanting something so badly that is just out of reach.

    Camels & Chocolates last blog post..Turkey Times Two

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  31. Dear Casey:

    Oh how i feel your pain and agony. I too being LDS and being able to get pregnant twice and then all of the sudden couldn’t I just couldn’t have been more flustered, pissed and angry at every bulging belly I saw. I cried, I contacted every holistic medicine doctor I could find, I got massages, Acupressure, herbs, machines to tell me when I was ovulating, yada yada yada and still no baby. I would try to convince myself that it wasn’t meant to be, that I would be happy with what I had, but it just didn’t work and the desire to have another child was JUST too strong. I decided to put it off for awhile, clear my head and focus on my spirituality (I know sounds quirky) But I so badly wanted an answer to my prayers and knew that I wasn’t clear enough to hear the answer. I finally one day received an answer that surgery was the answer to my solution. And I tossed it aside for about a year. When we decided to go in for infertility treatments, of course the doctors scared the crap out of me with every worst case scenario that could be wrong with me. And I just knew there wasn’t. When I went in for an ultrasound to see how many eggs I had produced for our IUD the doctor found a massive cyst on my ovary! What??? Are you kidding me? I went in for surgery a couple of months later and 30 days later……I got two pink lines and I just delivered her on Thanksgiving. Hang in there Casey, I was brought to your website because of the infertility you were experiencing and it helped my battered soul to read your blog. Pray, seek diligently. I guarantee you will find the answer you are looking for. By the way it took me 5 years. Just so you know, I understand what your going through

    Tiffinie

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  33. Casey, I don’t want to sound like THAT person but the same thought keeps coming to me about those in your situation and that is this…maybe it’s not about you. Maybe we are meant to be here at a certain time and it’s not that next awesomely wonderful child’s time yet.
    Just a thought. I don’t KNOW you per se but I can read that you are an amazing person, you have been through hell and come out the other side. Sure you struggle but we all deal with SOMETHING obviously your child is AMAZING and like you said, there is nothing that seems to be stopping you,it just doesn’t seem to be happening.

    WHEN it’s meant to happen it will, don’t beat yourself up about it and put all this energy into the Moosh. She is well deserving of it. Let her know she is enough and then pray your guts out to HF, on your knees in private or with the Moosh Daddy.

    Have Faith, I know you can.

    Besides, you are a wife of a law student far from home and the people you love and want as a support system. There are years yet to come, you are young and most of all IT’S OK.
    Your OK.

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  34. I’ve been struggling with getting pregnant again for years. I know how you feel. And if I had a dollar for every time my mother asked me when Dawson was going to be a big brother, I’d be able to retire at 29.

    It’s so frustrating, because Dawson just turned 4 and I never expected my children (hopefully I’ll have another) to be this far apart.

    Hang in there. I’m sending good baby vibes your way, Lord knows we need them!

    Danas last blog post..Say What?

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  35. I don’t think there ARE answers, at least not when we feel like we need them the most. I can’t even pretend to know what you’re going through, but I wish you the best, whatever hapens. You are an amazing person and a wonderful mother to the Moosh.

    Sometimes we don’t know where we’re going until we get there.

    *hugs*

    Melissas last blog post..discoveries

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  36. I feel ya.

    Been off birth control for over two years now and still nothing.

    I’m now older than my parents were when they had me and that scares me because growing up I always felt like my parents were SO much older than my friends’ parents.

    But we still hope.

    Reeses last blog post..Black Friday

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  38. I know you probably cringe when people say “It will happen.” but really, it will. I could have written the same thing in your post 5 years ago. But it finally happened and we had number 2. My husband has a super low sperm count. So much to our utter shock, when #2 was just about to be a year old, we got knocked up with number 3, while using condoms!!!!!

    Christys last blog post..Great way to recycle those Christmas cards this year!

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  39. This is hilarious – because its like you read my mind and wrote a post about it. We two are in very similar boats on child #2. Glad to know I’m not the only one that worries my second child (if I could have one) would make me wish I’d quit while I was ahead.

    Hollys last blog post..Road Warriors

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  40. Wow-this was like reading my own thoughts 20 years ago (I swear my body has aged but I am still delightfully immature).
    Because it feels like my own emotions and because I a now older and wiser (so I can pass out comments to younger strangers)I have one thing to say.
    I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to go through this because it really is hard. Hang in there.

    Janae’

    Janaes last blog post..These Turkeys are all mine

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  41. Normally I would find it rude to ask such a personal question, but since you are so candid I thought you might be open to discussing it. Here it is: have you had a checkup to ensure that something hasn’t developed since you birthed the moosh? I mean, maybe it is something simple and you would not have to torture yourself so much. And maybe if it is complicated you will at least have an answer. I think you are a great mom and have a beautiful kid so I am sure you would make a fabulous mom to a second kid! I will pray for you that your desire is fulfilled. Good luck! And it sure is fun trying, right? 🙂

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  42. 46 pregnancies in your church? Egads. That is a lot to withstand. You have every right to be angry and jealous and all the rest of it.
    Part of me really wonders if your body isn’t protecting itself by not allowing you to get pregnant; perhaps you are destined to get the full-on sick every time you’re preggers and that’s really tough on your system.
    But I have faith that you’ll have another child…somehow. We so often get what we want, just not when or how we want it.
    Big sloppy Indiana kisses to you and Cody.

    Must be Motherhoods last blog post..Let’s Take Notice: The International Violence Against Women Act

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  43. While I am no where near wanting babies yet, I do know what it’s like to want something so badly and come up empty-handed. But more than that, I feel by reading your blogs that your attitude about life will get you through anything. Yes, it sucks now, and you need to feel what you need to feel. But you also have to know that tons of women reading this are seeing themselves reflected in this post, and that’s an AMAZING gift.

    There’s not much I can say to make it better, but — You have a built-in virtual network that will be waiting right here when the time is right and you receive your blessing. 🙂

    Jenns last blog post..St. Sylvia

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  44. Wow. I have nothing profound to offer since I got pregnant with my second child while dutifully using my birth control pill daily and at the same time. I know, you’re thinking Bitch, why’d you comment?!?!?! But, I know several women who have been in your situation and right at give up and be barren stage, wham, they are preggo. Plus, after reading your blog for awhile, I have learned that no one deserves to be blessed/cursed with more kids than you do. So, it will happen.

    Domestic Goddess (In Training)s last blog post..Plotting Against Me…

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  45. I wish I had your answers … I don’t know why God decided to let us have an “Oops” baby this time, I still don’t know how that egg released without being ordered to do so. I don’t know how I feel about having 2 kids, I don’t know if I’m ready for 2 … I don’t know much of anything ~ except that I’m ready to be DONE with vomitting & dry heaving already. Seriously, there is no point to this anymore!

    I could have written your post verbatim earlier this year … I could write the mothering sections verbatim today.

    I can tell you that you’re not alone. And I can tell you that Medicaid will kick in to help poor college students’ wives, and it will provide back up for crappy student insurance 😉 I do know that much!!

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  47. Oh Casey, without saying something insensitive, insignificant, or semi-wise, I’ll just say keep your head up and your hands clasped in prayer. A solution will come. Just keep your faith.

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  49. Oh Casey, what a predicament we find ourselves in. To want something so badly, but have no way to get it. I am reminded today of the words my friend gave me months ago: “God has not forgotten you. He knows the desires of your heart.” Praying with you, hurting with you, longing with you…

    Katies last blog post..Playing the Part

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  50. Delurking to hop on my soapbox for a minute…

    As if it isn’t bad enough for family to ask…but STRANGERS?

    For the love!

    That’s the kind of thing that makes me want to stick a fork in my eye (or theirs).

    I think snarky answers are best, especially if the question comes from a stranger and the answer is none of their business in the first place.

    Here are a few you might consider trying…

    “We’d love another child, but my DH is a testicular cancer survivor and he’s infertile.”

    “By “trying” do you mean actually having sex? Because we’ve sworn off that stuff. We’re hoping for an immaculate conception.”

    ;o) (Take that, nosey stranger!)

    I don’t know the answers to your “bigger” questions, but I do know you are one amazing woman, wife and mother.

    Hang in there!

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