One of my friends let me know that she had heard my blog mentioned to day on a local radio station as a resource for depression. Phew. Nicole? Thanks for letting me know. And Laura, whoever you are? Thank you for thinking I know what I’m talking about.
I looked around tonight for my journals. I started one in 1994 when I had my first crush on Greg Shumway. I’ve kept one ever since. Uh, well, I kept one until I got a blog. So uh, welcome to my journal! My current crush is Cody, I think he’s sooooo cute. We share a bedroom together. The other day he said he thought I was funny. I think he’s going to ask me out. Gosh, he’s soooo cute.
Ahem. Anyway. As expected my journals are locked up tight in a Tupperware bin in the back of the closet of cluttery mysteries. And rightfully so. There are secrets and stories in those journals that can take hold of me like poison and drag me down before I can scream uncle. Cody has read them. I decided to reread them a while back and wondered why Cody was still coming home everyday after reading what was written in those pages. I was my own worst enemy. I hated myself. I destroyed myself. I was a hot mess.
One journal has an obituary I wrote out for myself, complete with picture.
Another has a piece of sandpaper I used to rub my wrists down to the bone with.
Many pages are filled with scathing letters to my family, mostly my mom. (HI! SORRY MOM! LOVE YOU! Whew! I was a stinker huh?)
One sentence reads “I was feeling ugly today so I called Chris (fake name) to make out (ahem) to feel better about myself.”
Many entries were written drunk.
Many pages are tear stained.
Some include pictures of old boyfriends, phone numbers written on matchbox covers and poems written to me by some boy trying to woo me out of my drawers.
I look back at what I allowed myself and others to do to my body. I felt sad and angry that my body, which should have only been given to my husband, had been through so much.
But supposedly your skin renews itself every three years and your skeleton renews itself every seven years. Which means that finally, after seven years of marriage, my body is my own again. Cody’s the only one who has ever been with this renewed physical body. And now that my body feels healed, my mind is having a much easier time recovering also.
And that? Feels good.
making unbreakable - formerly moosh in indy. 
You are brave, Casey. The fact that you let your husband read those journals, that’s awesome. Mine are in the back of my closet, to be read by no one. At least for now.
merlotmoms last blog post..Give Me The Grateful Life – Monday
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I hear ya! I can totally relate.
Alysons last blog post..Blind Leading the Blind
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I think you’re amazing! It is so refreshing to read what you write. You are okay with being you which is so fantastic! Thanks for being so open and honest. It makes me not feel so alone in the big world where everyone puts on their perfect happy faces. Thanks for being real!
Erikas last blog post..Some of my favorites
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I have a story, and some day I will tell it…you give me lots of confidence that when I am ready, it will all be okay still. You are a great writer Casey, and I appreciate your honesty more than you will know.
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Maybe there’s no “right way” to handle emotional upheaval, no etiquette for healing, but you are doing the best possible job of both. I feel your words in a place deep inside that stands up and applauds.
Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..Picking the best summer photo
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Here’s to the road you took to this point of healing. Here’s to many more years of healing!
Good for you
Sarahs last blog post..The Monday Review: Fragonard Perfumery
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P.S. You are SO brave for letting your husband read your journals. I think I’d be way too nervous to let that happen, not that he doesn’t already know enough shocking things about me.
Alysons last blog post..Blind Leading the Blind
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You are a person that I am happy and proud to know.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..Nicknames
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That was so honest and such a sweet sentiment. I’m sure you are helping a lot of people by not being afraid to bring out your skeletons.
Mama Ginger Trees last blog post..Dear Hasbro:
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Wow, that was powerful. I wonder if you (we) had felt free to share back then if it would have helped. One thing I never ever want to do is be a teenager again. Ouch.
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I love this post. I think about myself as a teenager and I don’t recognize who I was. Thank goodnes.
Brees last blog post..Me and my job are breaking up
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i mean this in the most non-stalkerish way possible, but i just love you so darn much.
Laras last blog post..I Used to LOVE Recess…
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We all have something in our past we’re not proud of, some more than others, of course. What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger, right?
Rheas last blog post..You asked for it.
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I agree with Lara: I heart you and grieve with you for all that you’ve been through. And I love that you have the balls to put it all out there.
Camels & Chocolates last blog post..Homecoming
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If we can’t look back at who we used to be, it is impossible to see who we are now. The path you took, however rocky, led you to Cody, your faith, and the moosh. Would you change your journey if it meant that your destination was different?
Heathers last blog post..Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies
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What a neat way to think about restoration. I also entered my marriage a broken, scarred woman, but I love the way you point out that Cody is the only one who has seen the restored and redeemed version of you. I would never have thought about it that way, but it makes me feel better too.
Katies last blog post..Random Memory
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I’m so glad you wrote this. You’re so strong to be able to put words like this onto a page for the world to see. I wish I could do the same, and I’m getting there…..slowly. I think we’re probably a lot a like, and we probably WERE a lot alike as teenagers. I’m sure if the girl from the radio checks in, she’ll feel uplifted.
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I really admire your honesty. That your willing to share your past with your readers, with your husband – and also with yourself. I think many people would throw away the journals and not look back. But part of healing is remembering how you got to where you are. And others will benefit from your story.
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Wow, what a great post to help others understand what it is like. I like the renewing part, it makes sense…awesome for you.
Midwest Mommys last blog post..Jumperoo Snooze
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I was just about to let you know about the radio station!
Thank you for your honesty and bravery. It’s definitely rare and very much appreciated and inspiring.
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That was simply beautiful.
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God Bless you Casey.
This touched me straight to my soul.
You are an amazing and very strong woman.
Congratulations on being all yours again.
Thank you for being an inspiration to so many.
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Me, too.
Same box, same journals, same awestruck curiosity that my husband continues to come home to me anyway.
maggie, dammits last blog post..ANNOUNCEMENT: New OFD site and a give-a-way
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I’ve known about your body renewing itself but taking that thought process along with your body being your own again and renewed from the other crap is really cool.
Angelas last blog post..Should have been in last post
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Dang. You took me from heavy to happy all in one post. Nicely done.
Momo Falis last blog post..That’s Miss Gonnakickyousaurus To You, Bro
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Glad to hear you’re renewed. I’ve never heard that, about your skeleton, and it’s kinda creepy if you think about it, but you somehow made it…nice.
You ARE inspiring. Keep it up.
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Great post, Casey. I like your way of thinking. Seven years and you are your own again. Stronger and ready to tackle the next hurdle life throws your way.
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I never really kept a journal and I’m glad I didn’t. I don’t think I could go back and read/re-live my college and immediate post-college years. Too much pain…
Jills last blog post..Blog the Recession
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I like Eastern philosophy. Some of those crazy Asians think the body is renewed 6,000,000,000 times/day. All our days are just a string of explosions and births. That’s why I act like so many people.
Black Hockey Jesuss last blog post..Writing
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This is really inspiring. I don’t think I would be brave enough to let my husband read my journals (not even after reading this), but I love the idea of renewal here. Makes me feel more at peace. And I’m so glad it does that for you. You deserve it.
MommyTimes last blog post..The Ballet My Body Remembers
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I’ve been married 8 years. Thank GOD.
I can’t wait to go home and explain to my husband what that means. To both of us.
Miss Britts last blog post..Is This What They Mean By “Rediscovering Your Marriage”?
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That really helped me, thank you.
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Thank you for always being so honest. That is really refreshing. Your courage helps a lot of people, I’m sure.
Tootss last blog post..First was love, then was marriage, and now?
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I think you’d be surprised at how many people are and have been in a similar situation as you. I love the bit about the skin and skeleton renewing itself. Coincidently, I think it takes a person about 7 years to feel like old “skeletons” are out of their closet and done with as well.
Josies last blog post..Practicing
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I think you should write a book, Casey. Seriously.
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I’ve been putting my own “depression story” on hold for awhile but I guess it’s time to confess. Like you it’s important to let people know there is help and a way out of that pit.
I also haven’t forgotten our little blog game coming soon. to stick with your theme, I think Tina Fey is HOT.
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You are an awesome, awesome gal. I’d be so afraid to read my journals, so freaking afraid.
Rhis last blog post..Important Ovary Surgery
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It feels good to read this.
I just love your attitude and I love this “journal.”
Don Mills Divas last blog post..My style, it is a-changing
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I applaud your honesty. So many people go through so many things and talking about them makes you real to others. Kudos to you on that.
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I like that. Renewed.
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Thank you for sharing your journey. Depression is a hard road and nearly constant battle. And yet there is always hope.
Rachels last blog post..Invasion!!
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Casey – Thank you for sharing a window into the dark halls of your past. I, too, have some old journals filled with dark secrets, but I have been hesitant to share them with my husband, even though he was right there witnessing a lot of it. You have made me re-think that decision. Perhaps, I may share them with him, too, and get myself renewed also.
Allys last blog post..Date Ideas!
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you let him read your journals?? Ya I don’t think so.
Lindys last blog post..20 days
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Wow! Those are some interesting comments on the radio program. Stop nursing (that helped me not be so depressed because I was closer to my baby), leave your hubby (like you need to be more alone!), take a blood test to see if you have a hormonal imbalance (have you every had a blood test for depression? I wish it was that easy!) I just love when people have “very helpful” comments! Funny! What’s sad is people hear this stuff and take it as reality/truth instead of getting real help. Disturbing!
April Barretts last blog post..Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Anyone? (5-8-08)
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Wow – so sorry that you’ve been through so much – but I loved that last paragraph you wrote. It kinda made me feel better about some of my body’s past experiences too!
HeatherPrides last blog post..Photo Essay: The Family Picture
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I just read the rest of your post and I am glad you feel better! Also, I have to clarify my comment…I meant to say that by nursing I felt closer to my baby and it helped my maternal insticts kick in. When I would put her down then I didn’t want to pick her back up so I tried to hold her as much as possible to help me. I made it sound like stopping nursing is a good idea-it’s not going to help with PPD (unless, of course, you are having problems nursing!)
April Barretts last blog post..Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Anyone? (5-8-08)
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Rock on sistah-friend! I knew there was another reason I simply adored you. I went through many similar things when I was younger, and I agree, looking back and seeing how much you’ve changed and how you’ve healed is a beautiful experience. You’re a beautiful and wonderful person Casey, and you’re helping to touch lives everyday!
Jia@ColorMeUntypicals last blog post..I’m Not a Polygamist
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Part of life is growing and changing into a better person. And the fact that you wrote that all down is a reminder that you know where you’ve been and HOW FAR you’ve come.
You’re an inspiration to a lot of people!
Kristabellas last blog post..Mother Nature: Providing Drama Since The Dawn Of Time
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Isn’t it scary to read what your past self had to say? It makes me more thoughtful of what I write down- I want to be more authentic in recording both the good and the bad times.
And, ha ha, Greg Shumway!
Barb @ getupandplays last blog post..Vote Smarter
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It can’t be easy to share your past with all of us. I hope that it helps. I love reading you!
Kristins last blog post..Cage Fighting
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