When the moosh came out I didn’t instantly fall in love with her.
I thought it was cool she came out with all her parts in the right place in seemingly right proportion.
But I was not in love.
I wasn’t in love with her when I brought her home.
I wasn’t in love with her three months after I brought her home.
I felt a sense of obligation to her. But I didn’t feel love.
She was pretty, yes. She had a darling smile, yes. I even liked her sometimes. But I felt like I was going through the motions of making sure she was fed, clothed and clean.
She felt like a job. An exhausting job that payed crap. A job that I was supposed to love.
I feel like I faked it well. But I was tormented. Everyone else was so in love with my baby, I was not. I put up a good front though.
However there were nights I put her in the crib a little too hard. There were nights I left her wailing in the the other room while I shoved my head under a pillow and screamed if only to drown out her crying. She was never in danger, she was always taken care of.
She just wasn’t loved by her mother.
I felt broken, yet obligated.
Try telling anyone in this world you don’t love your baby and you’ll hear “Oh yes you do, you’re just tired and overwhelmed.”
“Excuse me, no I don’t.” is what I wanted to say back, but never did. I just forced a smile and said “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”
Then at seven months it happened.
I fell in love.
I had been reading Harry Potter to her before I put her to bed. I turned her around to burp her one last time. She snuggled into me and fell asleep. Her chubby little hand over my heart.
Just like that I fell in love with her, and I never looked back.
Those were a long seven months.
making unbreakable - formerly moosh in indy. 
It is brave of you to admit. I think most first time moms kinda feel the same in one way or another. You feel judged if you admit it to someone because you are not suppose to feel that way. It is such a big life change that most of the day you go through by yourself. I always tell people each day I fall more and more in love with my daughter.
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Oh, Casey.
I love you even more.
And the moosh. That photo. My heart just melted into a pile of goo.
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I always tell new mommies-to-be that my first emotion is always relief, not love and that I feel like the baby is a stranger for a few hours/days/weeks. It is even more true when you have a toddler at home that you DO know and love. The new baby seems foreign and unreal. I think it is very brave of you to talk about this probably very common feeling. Thankfully, once the love does come, it only gets stronger!
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You look incredible for just giving birth, I must say. And that last picture. Wow.
Be proud of yourself for being honest and real. It’s going to help a lot of people. I promise.
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i so agree. this will hit home with so many people.
even if it’s not right at birth, i think that every mother can remember that exact moment. the one where they fall in love with their baby. so tender. this post brought back those feelings.
she really is a beautiful girl. so, so cute.
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I’m always impressed with your honesty. It’s refreshing. And I’m glad you fell in love with her – she’s one lucky little girl…and she seems to know.
When are you heading to Provo so the Moosh and HD can meet?
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That. photo. slays. me.
I am feeling for you right now. Those first seven months were only gotten through BECAUSE I was in love. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.
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I could have written this post about my first child.
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I think I know exactly how you felt. I couldn’t understand those mums that said they instantly fell in love. It took me months. When she suddenly had ‘colic’ at 3 months it was even worse. At 9 months I had fallen in love- yay!
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Long and tough I can imagine.
My sister in law went through something very similar with her first.
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You described my feelings about my first son perfectly. He was adopted, I think that actually made it better. I was tired, because he was a tough baby. But, I didn’t have all the hormonal crap that other women do after giving birth. The second and third were SO much better. I think it was because I came into my own as a mom. I realized I could do this, that I had one amazing toddler already. If he had made it as far as he had, the other two would also. I was just more confident, that helped me to put aside the doubts and just fall in love with them faster.
BTW, your daughter is adorable.
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THIS makes my fallopian tubes twitch. You know you might be ready for motherhood when you can say “Bring on the adorable babies, sure, but you can bring on the hell, too.”
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I also could have written this. I didn’t feel love for my first son until close to 10 months…but with my second it was love at 2 months.
I also felt like it was a job..a sucky job with sucky hours. My husband thought I was nuts, my friends told me I had love but just didn’t feel it yet. I don’t regret having either boy…but it’s amazing how hard that first year is, as a woman and a mother.
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I had something insightful to say, but it fell out of my head when I saw the photo of Moosh. She’s so damn cute, it hurts to look at her.
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You know, I just saved this post to my google notebook in the event that one day I have kids and need it, it will be there. Thanks.
And also, she’s just too damn cute
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You look so beautiful for a woman who has just given birth.
Please know you are not alone. I was the exact same way with my first born. It took months before I was in love with her. I felt protective of her. I felt an obligation to her, but I did not feel an overwhelming love for her until she was about 6 months old.
My second son was love at first sight. I thank God for that. It’s easier that way! There is a lot less guilt.
Bless you for being so honest.
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Thank you.
I am not alone.
It took me about a year.
Now. Utter love…Then. Nada.
I kept asking when I could give her to her real parents.
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A beautifully honest post.
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You know, there are some blogs out there that really make me feel like it might be okay to become a mom, and yours is one of them.
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Beautifully honest. I bet a lot of mothers can relate, whether it is admitted or not.
It took me awhile to ‘get to know’ my kids…but I remember the day I fell in love my son too.
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Oh boy. There are days with a toddler when, even though you finally DO love him, you want to quit the job that pays crap. Like, “I don’t want to do this anymore!!!! Just a day! Just a week without this job!” And then, when you do get a break, even for an evening, and you find yourself wondering how that toddler is doing and you miss him, you know you’re smitten for real. Lord, no one can convince you how hard it is until you’re actually doing it.
As always, thanks for the honesty, Casey.
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as usual, you cut to the heart of things that we don’t always want to admit.
moosh is a lucky girl.
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Took me 5-6 months with my first. Instantly with the 2nd.
Very difficult to admit, but you’re definitely not alone.
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awe, the pictures are beautiful in this post and the previous post.
Everyone falls in love with being a mom at different times…glad you did though 😉 could have been ugly if ya hadn’t.
I do know some that still haven’t and it is sad, their kids are older too.
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i think before we become moms we expect love at first site..unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way. the beginning is tough. for me, though, i had the opposite. the beginning was easy for me…it’s the toddler years that drive me nuts…and lucky for them, i’ve already fallen in love with them by that time. sneaky little buggers
your honestly is beautiful, Casey. (as is your little Moosh)
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I am glad women talk about this now. It seems like it was taboo for so long (actually it kind of still is). I am not a mother yet, but my husband and I talk about this stuff. How we will handle it, what our plan of action will be.
I glad you finally fell. I can see why in the last picture. Kind of made me fall too.
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Absolutely wonderful! Not enough moms admit to this. I watched my SIL struggle with this and no one there to help her. I tried, but she resented me because I did have that immediate bond.
I am so proud of you and so in awe of your ability to write about this and to help others in your writing!
Gorgeous pictures. When that moment happens, everything else just stops, doesn’t it.
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It wasn’t instant with me either. But it came! 🙂 Seriously, Moosh should be spokes-baby for every company that wants to sell me anything. I’d buy everything with her face on it. Seriously!
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I cried.
I was overwhelmed.
I didn’t know how to feel.
It wasn’t the same with the second. With her I was more sure and knew what was going to happen. More at peace.
With the third it was nothing short of orgasmic – the whole experience – and I delighted in every square inch of his existence.
For me it was letting go of control. It was not being so selfish.
This was a powerful post. A really good, honest post. Thank you.
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I’ve heard that can happen. Never experienced it myself right off the bat- actually now that they are older I have more days where I have to work really hard to like them lol, so it is probably good I liked them when they were tiny- but that soft, cubby fist near your heart- kills me every time 🙂
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Amen to THAT!
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Oh, those little eyes! And those cheeks! I’m so sorry those first months were so hard and long. But, I’m so happy that “it” happened.
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First off, nice new look to the place. Good to know you just didn’t sit around and eat bonbons while I was running around topless down South.
Secondly, it took almost two very long months for me to fall in love with my daughter. With my second child, it was immediate. (I think his sister broke me in….that or he was just cuter.) With my Bug…well, it was over a year. That was brutal. So this post resonates very loudly with me.
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it really does pay crap…and piss…and spitup….
i’ve known more than a few people with these exact sentiments. some never did fall in love…
but it was inevitable that the moosh would win you over 🙂
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Amen and amen and amen. The pay- unbelievably bad. The job- horrid. And the people who tell YOU how YOU feel- I have no nice words for these people. And- my other favorite- people telling you how lucky you are to be home all day. Eh? This is luck? I often wondered how many hours I would have to work at Banana Republic to pay for day care!
I didn’t feel the love for a few months, either. I hear that’s common, and we would probably have more examples if people would stop being polite and start actually telling the truth. My friend is always talking about how perfect her baby is. ‘She’s always smiley,’ and ‘she wasn’t bad even though she screamed for 2 out of 3 hours of my car ride.’ PLEASE! Admit it. It sux in the beginning! Stop sending new moms into the lion’s den with unfair expectations!
So your honesty is appreciated and helps me realize I am not a cold-hearted beeyach… or if I am, then I’m not the only one out there.
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I loved my kids in the sense that I was supposed to love them. The good, true, IN love feelings didn’t come right away, but did finally show up around 4-5 months with my son, a little sooner with my daughter.
Thanks for this post. I hope that a brand new mom reads this and knows she’s not the only one.
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After all the trauma you went through trying to get her here I imagine it was very hard to fall in love with her when the reward was seemingly just not there.
Oh and on the pic, I could just reach through the screen and kiss her little face off she’s so damn cute !
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Bein’ a mum is “wonderfully crazy” job.I really remember the exact feeling but I understand I felt more or less the same when I had my boy(first & only).
I could somehow relate to that.
Your girl’s an absolut doll & you would fall in lurve with her sooner or later,thats fer sure.N you did.N I’m very happy fer you 🙂
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I remember when Alyson was born wanting to put her on the front porch cause she cried so much. I would put her in the swing and I would sit in the rocker and cry “STOP”!!! It is so conflicting inside to have it be SO rediculously painful to have placed my daughter 3months ago. To know what I was in for and to think, “there is NO way I could ever do it on my own again!” I know how much work they are, I remember the feelings. They are crazy. I wish that was enough to take away the placing of a child away but it isn’t since on the oposite side I know the love that I know have cultivated for Alyson. OH motherhood!
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I did fall in love with Sacha from the first moment, but I know that I am not the norm. Even so, i still had times when I wanted to just throw him in his crib and run away to a place where I could be the center of my world again.
Or scream right back at him when he screamed at me.
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I was going to say something smart… but then realized that you have some awesome readers and everyone said everything.
Honest. Real. Your feelings are true and your writing is truly amazing.
Thanks.
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With Hollis it wasn’t immediate either. I was happy, thrilled, yeah all that. But I didn’t know him yet. I’m not really sure when that magical moment happened for me. I think it was more gradual. But within time I knew I would kill my own husband to save my Hollis.
It is very brave of you to talk about this. No one ever does. They just fake it. And still there are people I know who just insist it was all sweetness and light from the instant their child was born.
And that is an awesome picture of the Moosh. Awesome.
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It took me a good three months (maybe more) to feel like I loved my daughter. For a long time I was afraid to admit that to anyone because it just seemed wrong somehow. I thought I was the only mother to every look at their child and not fall instantly in love. Since then I’ve learned that I’m not alone and that it’s really pretty common but I wish I had known that back then. The guilt only made things worse.
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It’s one of those secrets no one tells you about, isn’t it? I did not bond with my first daughter at all until she was past six months old. I tried, and I beat myself up mentally thinking I should feel more love for her, but I couldn’t. She was born in a way I didn’t want, and she was colicky the first few months – combine that with PPD, and you can see why it was hard for me to connect with her at all.
I’ll also admit that I have yet to really fall in love with my second. I got the birth I wanted this time, but still haven’t felt that heart-tugging connection with her. On her more colicky days, I have actually wanted to give her up for adoption. Not just joking – seriously wanted to give her away.
But I also know this is how I am, and soon things will click and I’ll love her as much as I now love my first.
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The funny thing is that you did love her you just didnt realize it. If you didnt love her you wouldnt be reading harry potter to a 7 month old. i love your honesty.
love ya girl
Molly
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Would have never guessed when you came with her to L’s first b-day! You know, that happens to a lot more women than you’d think! I was SURPRISED that it didn’t happen to me, but I have had my share of placing L as a baby a little rougher in her bassinet or squeezing her a little too tight. Being a mommy is not for the faint of heart!
Look at how beautiful you looked after giving birth! You are such a great mommy!!! Love you!
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I was right there with you – sounds like a lot of other people were too. I don’t remember when I fell in love with Elliot, but I know it was months after she was born. I was too tired and shell-shocked to love her at first. Because I actually knew what I was doing and realized I wasn’t the center of my universe with #2, I loved him immediately.
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You are not the only one. I would visualize dropping Jaden down a flight of stairs. Because I felt the same thing about the feeding, clothing, bathing thing. I was a little wierd after having my first one. I never did end up dropping him. But the last two came with a lot less depression. So it does get easier with the second.
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Thanks for sharing, Casey. I think we’ve all had our moments of wanting to throw our kids into a wall.
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I just found you this morning and I couldn’t agree more. Little C is adorable and I love her to pieces, but it took me a while. She’s six and a half months now, and I get it now, then, it was an obligation.
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