There are statements that even I can’t say out loud.

There are questions I can’t ask.

It’s not because I don’t know the question, it’s because I’m afraid of the answer.

Or the answer isn’t socially acceptable.

I should assume that this is a good sign of my morality. That there are things I won’t say out loud for the fear of hurting others around me, preserving their feelings.

Or maybe it’s just the fear of what people will think about me.

Someone once told me that a fear is a fictional event appearing real.

Unfortunately there is nothing fictional about my reality.

I am still in a very dark place.

And a lot of it is my fault.

A very wise friend left a comment the other day that said “It will all be okay in the end. If everything is not okay? It is not the end.”

This is not the end for me.

And I am looking forward to being okay.

Please let them know you haven’t forgotten either.

(Comments closed, winner of the giveaway is Jessica from @mommasgonecity, congrats lady and thanks for all of your comments, if you haven’t read through them you really should. Inspiring words.)

With perfect timing, two of my dearest friends sent me this necklace from their etsy shop. The R House Couture.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Hymn #124 from the LDS Hymnbook

They sent me another one to give away to you.

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things. From the 13 Articles of Faith originally written by Joseph Smith.

Their shop is full of inspirational necklaces with simple words such as “fear not” “all is well” “courage” “grace” and “faith.” The idea came to help pay for court costs Mrs. R has incurred while fighting to keep her little boy. Each purchase includes cards from couples hoping to add to their families through adoption. The idea was to make gifts for both birth and adoptive mothers. I however think they are perfect gifts for any woman who needs a boost.

Like me.

I’m already a huge fan of buying handmade. I’m an even bigger fan of  buying handmade to help keep a family together. Please look at their shop and keep it in mind as a gift for those women in your life who carry so much. They are more than happy to produce custom orders.

To win the custom “HOPE” necklace from The R House Couture and me simply tell me what quote, scripture, hymn, song or saying that gets you through difficult times. I will pick one random comment Wednesday October 7 at midnight. Open to anyone in the world. Because we all need hope.

Cody passed the bar.

*biggest sigh of relief ever*

Our house is still up in the air.

*pass the cupcakes*

I am a dork. (If you can’t see the video click here.)

(video by and from Erika)

And I love you all ferociously.

Have a good weekend. xo

It’s Saturday morning and I’m desperate to find any excuse to stay in my hotel room. I don’t want to go out there. I don’t feel like laughing and smiling and talking and hugging. I feel like sleeping. But naturally I can’t sleep. Maybe some crying. But I get so puffy when I cry. I need to go out there. It’s ridiculous not to. So many people wish they were here, I can’t do them the injustice by hiding in my room all day licking my newly opened wounds.

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. If you read this and see me today just give me a knowing smile, flash me some sort of gang sign to let me know you know my secret. A year ago I was the girl telling people at conferences that if they “aren’t having fun it’s their own damn fault.” I guess it’s not that easy. I can’t go out and hide in a corner because you all know me too well. It’s easy to hide depression and anxiety behind witty tweets and pretty pictures. It’s not easy to hide it when I’m standing right in front of you looking wrecked and distraught.

I have never been more thankful that I have my camera to hide behind for the next 24 hours because I didn’t bring the right drugs to hide behind this time.

• I’ve learned it takes a special kind of man to be an exterminator.

• I’ve learned that sending fecal matter to a certain CEO of a certain bank is very illegal.

• I’ve learned that I am exactly the type of person who needs to be married to a lawyer so that I don’t end up actually sending fecal matter to a certain CEO.

• People do disgusting things to their carpet.

• By writing a very honest email to everyone dragging their feet about getting us into our house our closing date has been changed from a big fat question mark to next Wednesday. (hopefully!)

And while this doesn’t exactly have anything to do with my house…Emily and I both found this horribly amusing when we were out with our girls yesterday.

Yes we’re 12. Shut up. You think it’s funny too.

To: Giant Bank Handling our Home Loan.

From: Me.

RE: You really kind of stink at doing your job.

September 22, 2009

*********

Hello everyone involved in our nightmare!

I’m sure my husband will not condone this email but I have to write it.

If Giant Bank Inc. wants my honest feedback? I’m ready to give my honest feedback.

Giant Bank Inc. has had WEEKS to do their job.

Mr. R told me ON THE PHONE that signatures were NOT required from my father-in-law on the initial paperwork, which despite many phone calls to Ms. T,  we have still not received updated numbers to what our loan will actually be.

And now the title company is ready to say “whoops you took too long to take care of your loan so thanks for the thousands of dollars congratulations you get nothing?”

I’m sorry, I have been patient and polite long enough but I am through.

How is it that we received the appraisal (delivered to Indiana) from Mr. R before Ms. K had it?

Mr. R and Ms. K are in the same state if not the same building?

Ms. T, you told me that Ms. K was just starting our file on September 11th when you were in Texas yourself but according to Ms. K she didn’t even have the appraisal at the time.

We started this process back in May. We have given you everything you have asked for when you have asked for it.

Between incorrect fax numbers, vacations, deaths of family members,  incorrect information on who needed to sign what where and when plus the fact that we don’t even have accurate preliminary loan papers and everyone has used up every excuse possible?

I am fed up.

Just please do your job and get us our house.  Please? I’m sure if it were your daughter or sister or grandchild buying their first house you would care a lot more than you have cared for us.

We just want our house.

Please.

-Casey Mullins

Amy had me at smoosh. Her definition?

“A ‘smoosh’ is one of those naps during which you ‘smoosh’ your face into your pillow, and you wake up with lines all over your face from the pillowcase.”

I’m good at a lot of things. Naps being one of them.

Place me in a moving vehicle for longer than an hour? Zzzz….

Put me horizontal on a soft surface? *drool*

In fact, as I laid in bed the other morning I considered writing a strongly worded letter to my bed. In all it’s dual coil pillow top memory foam body pillow 600 thread count glory.

My stupid bed is so insanely comfortable it causes troubles.

I love to sleep in it.

It’s sooo comfy.

SLOTH! SIN! LAAAAZY.

And remember all the pillows involved with the sleeping we do in the house of moosh?

the house of moosh could easily become the house of slovenly smooshes.

Clean sheets, a soft blanket, a cool pillow, sunshine and a quiet house.

The recipe for the perfect moosh smoosh.

You?

So I tried out a Yummie Tummie or two while I was in Chicago. I was not instantly sold. However after some messing around and modifying…I think I will always have a Yummie Tummie in my wardrobe. That is until I have rock hard abs. *pfft.* See why here. (Yes. With pictures that you can use to judge me with. You’re welcome.)