I am tired.

Emotionally and mentally exhausted.

But I don’t think you’d notice if you didn’t know me.

I can turn it on and off.

I can fake, oh, how I can fake it.

Imagine being hip deep in a thick muddy sludge.

You’re in a bit of a pickle, sometimes it could even be considered a funny pickle that you’re in. And if you stand there and look around you can make jokes with those on solid ground around you.

But you can’t stay in sludge forever. You have to get out. You must get out. You’re missing too much being stuck.

And so you lift one leg at a time, inch by inch attempting to move it forward. You can’t talk while you do it, let alone make jokes. It’s imperative you focus all of your energy on moving forward, even if it’s just millimeters.

You begin to think, “Hey, this sludge isn’t that bad, the sun comes out sometimes, I can still talk to my friends…why try so hard to get out?” It’s like Dorothy in the poppy fields, sure, the Emerald City is right there and she went through so much to get there…but just…a little…nap…a rest…

No.

You have to get to the other side. Out of the crap. Out of the slime. They have cupcakes, horses of a different color, hugs, reality television and comfy couches on the other side.

But most of all that other side has rest. Rest for your weary brain, mind, heart and body. A place where you can charge back up and prepare yourself for your next unknown trip into the sludge.

This is the slowest most unfair journey I’ve ever been in. And it may never end for me.

But I’m grateful that I can talk about it.

And that I know for a fact that other side is there, waiting to give me the rest I deserve.

**direct link to my article here.**

A long time ago I was asked to participate in an annual online rally for and in behalf of new moms on Mother’s Day.

The topic is postpartum depression and I was asked to write a letter to new moms about how “this too shall pass.”

There are 24 women participating, doctors, authors, nurses, social workers and most of all, moms.

The reminder email came while I was in an ugly place. I had intentions of writing witty prose about how you’ll look back at those days of PPD and pat yourself on the back for making it through.

But I never had time to pat myself on the back because I was thrown headfirst (no pun intended) right back into the depression I have always had. I’m afraid to go back and read what I wrote and submitted…it will go live later tonight (a new post is going up every hour all day.)

But after reading through the other submissions that have gone up this far I am proud knowing that I wrote mine when I did. The other women have written brilliant things. And it is going to help a lot of new moms see the silver lining, and maybe after reading 24 survival stories they will be able to keep calm, call their doctor and carry on.

My submission doesn’t have such a happy ending. Yes, postpartum depression ended for me, but the other depression, the one not induced by sleepless nights, colic and wacky hormones has not ended, nor will it ever end.

But what I learned is that my depression will never be the end of me. I will keep going.

Some days will be uglier and far more exhausting, and those days may turn into weeks.

But I will keep going.

Because I know, I KNOW, that even though I can’t feel it now? There’s happiness out there. And I will keep myself surrounded by those things that bring happiness until one day the outside and the inside click. And I will be able to truly enjoy my lovely little life without a giant black cloud enveloping my brain.

The articles are brilliant, a lot of the women you may already know. I will link mine directly when it goes up (here it is!) but until then, there are a dozen others already up, moms who get PPD and got through it. Once, twice sometimes even four times.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. But if it’s not so happy for you today, don’t feel guilty, because the happy isn’t all there for me today either.

xo

***So many of you have emailed with questions for Cody, how he manages my depression, what helps and what does not. I can say that it has been a very bumpy road and it has taken years for him to know how to best help me. I’ve never asked how he does it, I’m just grateful that he does. He’s very worried about coming across as insensitive, it’s a lawyer thing. The truth is he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He gets me. And I can only hope that anyone that deals with this misunderstood disease can have a Cody in their life.***

My wife asked me to explain how I deal with her depression as her husband. I must first note that how I deal with my wife’s depression is not going to be the same for all spouses who deal with their spouse’s depression.

I had to learn and accept that my wife does not choose to be depressed. My wife cannot control her depression. She cannot just “get over it” as I had believed people could do prior to meeting my wife. I have learned to approach her depression from an objective standpoint. I cannot take her actions, inactions or thoughts personally while she is depressed. I had to learn that her depression is not a reflection of how she feels about me.

We now have a rule that she is not allowed to stop taking her medication. It is an unfortunate crutch that she needs in her life, but it is necessary. I try to pay attention to subtle changes in her personality/mood/emotions/interactions to make sure she is taking her medication. Occasionally, she will stop taking her medication and we start the depression cycle.

It is important for me to recognize when my wife is beginning to feel the effects of depression. I must constantly watch my wife’s emotions and how she reacts to her surroundings. I have become so familiar with her depression that I can now recognize the signs of when she is entering a slump. She becomes more withdrawn and quiet the further she slumps into depression. She will begin to “sleep,” meaning lying in bed with her eyes closed even though she isn’t really asleep.

When she is suffering from depression I do things to try to keep her from sinking deeper into depression.. If I allow her to sit in the house and think about her depression she will sink deeper and faster. I try to keep her distracted and occupied by encouraging her to get out of the house to see friends as much as possible, or I will try to find things she can do that may help keep her mind from focusing on her depression.

Ultimately, unless on medication, the depression will get her. At some point it becomes necessary to “help” her hit bottom so she can begin to recover. This is the time that is the most difficult to handle as her spouse. It is tough to see her struggle and to see her not even want to exist. This step is only necessary if she has refused to get help from a doctor. When she is not on medication she will refuse to get help from a doctor, and she will continue to refuse that help until she hits bottom.

Helping my wife reach the bottom may sound harsh, but it is what has worked best in our marriage. To nudge her off the ledge I will talk to her about how her actions and her current state are not healthy for her or the family. That conversation usually results in what she believes is a fight, and if other people could hear the conversation they would believe it was a fight as well.

When she hits bottom she gives up—she will no longer fight getting help. It is very important that I be there when she hits bottom so that I can be there to take her to the doctor for help, and so I can make sure she does not make a poor decision. My being able to be present when she hits bottom is the main reason why I help nudge her to the bottom—she cannot be alone when it happens. Unfortunately, we have both learned from experience that she cannot be alone when she hits bottom.

Everybody deals with depression in different ways—this way seems to work for us best. However, no matter how your spouse deals with depression, you, as the supporting spouse, must view it objectively, and you must focus on not getting frustrated with your spouse’s depression. People do not choose to suffer from depression.