Blog Feed – Page 63 – making unbreakable

spider kong and cody’s skirt.

This is the back of my house. Behind my house is a forest of sorts with a stream running through it. We’ve heard raccoons getting it on, owls hooting it up and lots of frogs. We’ve seen fireflies, blue herons, hawks, possums and so many bunnies we started telling Addie they were her pets.

An she believed us.

Tthe other night I heard desperate squeals from the dark in the back so I looked out to see what the problem was.

The problem was my husband.

He was rendered helpless because (in his mind) the back of our house looked like this.

I kill the spiders in our relationship.

However, as much as I hate to admit this, spider kong did kind of shock me.

SPIDERS SHOULDN’T HAVE GLOWING EYES! (nor should they ever be bigger than a fingernail.)

That kind of crap should be reserved for nightmares.

In total I nailed about seven spider kongs with a rolled up issue of Golf Digest while Cody hid safely inside with his skirt.

My sister catches and releases spiders.

If we played that game out here? The spiders would win.

I’m bigger for a reason.

i wonder…

Do you ever stare at your various accounts and thing…”Huh, I should really write something.”

So you end up writing something that is really just crap hoping to stay “out there?”

There’s a lot of useless crap on the Internet.

I don’t need to give you more crap to read. (However Daniel and I have cooked up a steaming pile of DELICIOUS on you see it differently than me…)

Crap isn’t fair to you.

Besides, people don’t respond well to crap.

And when people don’t respond you’re left with that whole “WHY DO I DO THIS? NO ONE LIKES ME!” crisis.

Everybody goes through it.

It stinks.

I know I go quiet when my brain is playing mean tricks on me, but I also go quiet when my brain is swimming along just fine.

And you know what? Quiet is okay.

I like it when my brain is quiet, because most of the time it won’t shut it.

And a brain that won’t shut it is exhausting.

A quiet brain means I can sit in the sunshine on the floor and put a puzzle together with my little kid without worrying about where else I need to be or what else I should be doing.

A quiet brain means I take full breaths instead of short little gasps.

And besides, quiet is much better than crap.

I wonder…do you feel compelled to fill up your empty space? Or do you embrace your silence and let others shine?

135/365.

So remember how I was all “Pfft. Project 365. A photo a day? FAIL! Instead I will end 2010 with 365 photos I love.”

Well. I’m to 135.

I feel like I’m getting better.

How’s it going for you?

the one where casey stands on a social media soapbox.

I don’t really get into the whole business side of social media, I won’t be becoming a social media consultant anytime soon. I do all this because I like it. I don’t read articles on Mashable, I never really figured out why there was the whole switch from the “FAN” to “LIKE” button on facebook.

I hate writing bios for speaking engagements that I’ve already been hand selected for. So the thought of writing an entire pitch about my many amazing virtues and why companies should simply surrender all their money because boy howdy I’m about to make all their dreams come true?

Hives.

Social media hives, they come out in the shape of the fail whale.

You see, it’s one thing to write a bio stating your accomplishments and your qualifications for sitting up on stage talking about something you’re already good at.

Continue reading “the one where casey stands on a social media soapbox.”

if the shoe drops, i know a cobbler.

I know terrible things have happened to good people for as long as good people have been around to have terrible things happen to them.

Before 2007 I didn’t know anyone with a special needs child, I certainly didn’t know anyone who had lost a child. I didn’t even know anyone who had experienced a miscarriage aside from my mom (which had she not had a miscarriage, I wouldn’t be here.) Hell, I’m not even sure I knew a Jewish person. (Oh Utah…)

Three years later and it’s safe to say those above statements have changed.

I worry a lot more than I used to. I’ve watched my friends get really sick, have surgery, get in accidents, lose babies, lose spouses, lose houses, experience natural disasters and even lose everything they own.

The possibility of horrible things happening probably isn’t a whole lot higher than it was three years ago, but my awareness is higher, I listen for that other shoe a lot more than I used to.

However, the world has become a lot smaller since I started living some of it online. I almost wonder if google has seen a drop in use as social social media rises. Real people (often strangers) talking to each other online. Telling their stories. Within 24 hours of posting about Addie’s CVS someone told me about another mom in a completely different part of the country who’s son has the same condition.

It’s one thing to read a medical article about your child’s sickness, it’s a completely different thing to email a real person and share battle stories of catching vomit midair.

If I were to get in my car and drive right now I could end up at a friends house no matter what direction I drove in or how long I drove for. If something were to happen to my family I would have real people to talk to. Real people who have been there and lived to tell the tale. (road trip!)

Would I rather go back to living in my safe little bubble where bad things only happen in the newspaper? No. Because I wouldn’t have you and your unending (and sometimes useless) knowledge.

Very few people hear a shoe drop in a bubble, leaving one feeling alone and vulnerable.

And alone is a horrible place to be.

I’m so happy right here with you. No matter what.

(Also, are shoe fixers still called cobblers? Or should I get my nose out of fairy tales and into 2010 vernacular?)

the other one.

There’s something very strange about holding your friend’s new baby when she says “Stay here, I’ll go get the other one.”

When she brought “the other one” my head nearly exploded. I don’t want to say I picked a favorite, but you guys, “the other one” and I must have known each other in a previous life.

Addie told my friend Anna that she’d be happy to come over and babysit “I’m an excellent babysitter!” She announced in the car on the way over.

I could have sniffed those little nuggets of baby until I had simply sniffed them of all there was to sniff. How something so tiny becomes something so opinionated in the length of a presidential term proves to me that maybe God really does know what He’s doing.

sparkles on the inside.

I can always tell when Addie is being contemplative in the back of the car. Her eyes narrow, she mumbles a bit to herself and stares out the window. She grows quiet, and then it starts…

Mom? How does Jesus make babies?

Well, there are spirits up in heaven and when a baby is put in a mom’s belly Jesus puts the spirit in the baby. Then the baby is born.

So, where’s the spirit?

It’s inside you.

Can you see it?

No.

So you’re telling me a spirit is like a firework that sparkles on the inside?

Yes. Yes I am.

when infertility affects friendships.

There isn’t much else out there like infertility. There’s no outward signs of it, it is both isolating and humiliating, many times there’s no logical explanation for it and most of all? Everyone has their own opinions on it.

“Don’t give up hope!”

“You worry about it too much, just relax, it will happen!”

“I had this one friend who couldn’t get pregnant and then…!”

Those of us who are left with no babies have learned to smile through these comments. Or at least stuff the pain in our hearts that results from hearing these comments deep down where they won’t offend those naive enough to say such things. Other times we turn to our most trusted girlfriends or partners and we rant, rave and cry through the reminder that something about our parts doesn’t work right.

It is a right and a priviledge as a woman to bear children. Sure boys can pee standing up, but we? WE CAN MAKE PEOPLE. Well, some of us can. And when that ability to make people is taken away? We’re left feeling like this strange middle gender, with boobs and periods, but no babies and certainly unable to pee standing up.

Knowing that my body worked at least once, that it made a perfect little person adds to the frustration. Imagine banging your head against a wall over and over. Finally a million dollars falls out of the wall. Hooray! Of course you’re going to keep banging your head against the wall, of course it hurts and it’s frustrating and it consumes your every thought, but for the chance at another million dollars? BANG BANG BANG! And no matter how much anyone explains how illogical it is to keep banging, or maybe to try another “get a million dollars” tactic, you’re going to keep banging until YOU are ready to stop.

Although I’m not sure anyone is ever really capable of stopping. The urge to try that wall just one more time…maybe this time it will work…that urge will always nag, somewhere.

Silly little things can set off the deep stabbing hurt of infertility. The swollen belly of a stranger, a facebook status update, filling out Kindergarten admission papers and having to leave the “other siblings” column empty, even buying a new car.

There isn’t much I can say about infertility that hasn’t already been said by other brilliant voices on the topic throughout the Internet.

But I can say this.

I have braved the trenches of the completely hideous emotions that result from the bitterness and anger that I allowed to overtake my heart and mind when I was deep in them. I was blinded by jealousy and anger. Some of the more mild thoughts were “Why her and not me?” “She can’t even take care of the other kid she has.” then they became more intense “Another one? Really? Does she even realize her other kids aren’t that great?” to the worst, I was actually happy when someone had a miscarriage.

Me.

Happy about a miscarriage.

“That’ll show her! Teach her to talk about her pregnancy so much!”

I’m ashamed that I ever allowed a thought like that to pass through my mind. I don’t care how much I hurt at the time, her pain was not about me. It never will be. The Casey who thought those thoughts deserved to lose friends. She was going rotten from the inside out.

Any difficult life situation will cause unavoidable thoughts to pop up in someones head. And just as we can’t keep a bird from landing on our head, we can very well keep it from making a nest while it’s there.

To those of you who have to watch a friend struggle with infertility, the truth is that there isn’t much you can do aside from be a friend. You will never be able to fix her (well, unless you’re a brilliant, brilliant doctor or a genie) but you can listen. Understand that there will be times when your friend is ticked off, but it’s not about you. And there comes a point where if she makes it about you? You need to set her straight. It’s not your fault you can get pregnant and she can’t. You shouldn’t have to change who you are or what your dreams and goals are in life to accommodate the ugly and hurt feelings of another. I can promise you that it’s hard as hell to work through a relationship where this is an issue, but in the end? It’s worth it.

To you others dealing with infertility, especially if you’re in an ugly place, don’t alienate your friends. It’s not their fault if they can and choose to get pregnant. Imagine if your positive test finally came and you called your friend up. How would you want her to react? Angry and distant because you finally got what you wanted? The truth is, your closest friends, and many others around you aren’t afraid of difficult pregnancies or what their insurance will and won’t cover. They aren’t worried about where a baby will fit into their lives and schedules, they are worried about telling you. They are scared to death of hurting you. They are frightened that they are going to lose you as a friend.

So they keep it a secret from you for as long as possible. Sometimes you find out from other sources and the hurt is magnified. But they didn’t keep it a secret from you to hurt you, they kept it a secret because they didn’t want to hurt you.

No matter when you hear it, it is going to hurt. I’m sorry, it is. But the amount of time it hurts will lessen and dull, and eventually jealousy and hurt won’t even be your first reaction. Please don’t take it out on your friend, they will hopefully understand that you may need some time to work through your emotions, work through them as best you can and support her as best you can, you would want (and dare I say expect) the same if the roles were reversed.

As for the friend facing that phone call to tell someone that you’re pregnant? You’re going to have to take a Band-Aid approach. Do it quick. Yes. Your friend is going to feel it. Sorry about that. Remember it’s not your fault. But trust me when I say writing that email or making that call when you think about it is much better than her finding out weeks later through a friend of a friend, because that’s the equivalent of pulling that bandage off millimeter by millimeter, hair by hair.

Infertility is just another thing that we’re all going to have to learn to get along on. Rarely, if ever, is anyone ever going to understand both sides. Love, patience, understanding and forgiveness are all going to have to be at the forefront of everyone’s mind.

Cupcakes, fruity drinks with umbrellas and stupid movies with vampires don’t hurt either.

ten things…blogher style.

10. Alexis. Thursday night didn’t go so well for me. I was working the crowd at the Social Luxe Lounge when I was hit upside the head with panic for whatever reason. I ended the night crumpled up in a corner crying. I’m giving God complete credit for somehow allowing Alexis to find me, whereupon she gathered me and my stuff and ran interference for me out of the party, up 6th avenue and back to the safety of my hotel room. Alexis? Thank you, whether you are aware of it or not, you answered a very desperate prayer that night.

9. The Serenity Suite. What a brilliant idea Maggie had to come up with a safe place for those of us with any sort of social hiccup, be it depression, anxiety, the pressure to drink or just plain overwhelmedness. Huge kisses to Heather for organizing as well, BlogHer for allowing it and all my fellow hostesses for hosting it.

to keep reading…click more below.

Continue reading “ten things…blogher style.”

a funny thing happened on the way to the fair.

I was supposed to be here, taking pictures with her.

But I ended up here. For two and a half hours.

You know it’s bad when people start getting out of their cars and have picnics in the median.

But! Sometimes a guy busts out a guitar nine cars up and you just happen to have your camera. So you walk up nine cars (hey, you don’t have anywhere else to be) and ask to take his picture. You also may or may not end up with a new facebook friend. (You may also have grand fantasies about one of your facebook friends catching his eye after you post the picture, they end up dating, getting married and having babies. And then when people ask how they met you’re the catalyst of the coolest “how you met story ever.” Also may or may not be made into a movie in your little fantasy.