There are times I don’t know if I’m doing a good job at this parenting thing. Sometimes I just have to hold my breath, push through, believe that I am and enjoy the little moments that let me know I’m not totally screwing things up.

My mom would probably tell you she did a pretty fantastic job of raising me, which she absolutely did — but even now at 31 I could pick apart what she did that bugged me, bothered me and probably cost me a few thousand in therapy.

I sometimes wonder what I do now that will cause Addie to roll her eyes at me later. “Oh, my mother.” I can hear it already, I know it so well because I’ve said it myself.

Perhaps it’s because I had such a tumultuous relationship with my own mom that I’ve always believed my relationship with Addie is somehow doomed. For the past eight and half years I’ve just accepted that there will come a time when she hates me, wants nothing to do with me and can’t stand me. I mean, isn’t that the way all mother daughter relationships are?

Part of me holds out hope that one day she will be sitting around with her friends talking about the time her mom took her to her first Broadway show, made her try chicken feet and forced her to figure out the subway system on her own. That she will be able say I did something right that helped her discover what she is meant to do in this world. I hope she always remembers time spent as just the two of us. I hope she understands I’ve tried my best and felt terrible when I let her down or had to say no. I so desperately want to give her everything but know in the end I’m giving her more by denying her a lot.

She has grown in ways I could have never imagined over the past four days. My heart has grown three sizes and wrapped around her twice this weekend. She is so confident and sure of herself — but every once in awhile she’ll reach out and grab for me, even if it’s just for a moment.

I don’t  know how this whole raising her thing will turn out in the end. I have no idea if what I’m doing now will mess things up later, but I do know I will always be someone she can grab for to steady herself, even if it’s just for a moment.

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Remember how I said you wouldn’t like the subway?

I was wrong.

As long as no part of you is touching any part of a stranger you LOVE the subway.

You already know the difference between uptown and downtown you know that streets are shorter than avenues.

We easily walked more than 6 miles today and you never complained.

When you were tired you asked to take a break.

When you wanted to take a picture you asked if I would stop so you could.

You move out of foot traffic to tie your shoe.

You bob and weave on busy sidewalks like a lifelong pro.

People talking to themselves, trees, their fingers or the sky don’t phase you one bit.

You are easily the most fun person in the world to travel with.

You stop to listen to every street performer, I’m out of dollar bills because you’ve insisted we give one to anyone dancing, singing, or playing an instrument.

Even after walking ALL DAY, you still insist on stopping at the playground to play before we head in for bed.

Remember when I said you’d probably want to live out some part of your life here?

I was right, and I believe with every part of me you will. You fit in here, you belong here.

Today you said you wanted to take the subway home from work everyday, stop at Dylan’s Candy Bar on the way to your apartment and “get a pack of Nerds, because that’s what grownups do, they can get candy whenever they want.”

I’m tempted to give you candy whenever you want, you’re so wonderful.

Here’s to all that tomorrow has in store for us.

xo, mama

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You can follow Addie’s adventures in NYC on Instagram and twitter with #AddieInNYC.

Tomorrow I will pick you up from school under the ruse that I am taking you to the eye doctor when in reality we will be headed for New York City.

Just you and me, for the entire weekend.

I do hope it’s okay that I keep springing these surprises on you, there’s so little that impresses you anymore and given your highly curious nature it’s in the name of self preservation that I don’t tell you about trips like this lest I be bombarded with a hundred thousand questions which cause me to rethink my decision to bring you along in the first place. I have a few plans laid out for us, but most of the time is open for us to do what we do best, explore.

I didn’t go to New York until I was 24, had I known what it was like before ever meeting your dad I would have been that 18 year old kid who saves up all her money, packs every belonging she has in a bag and heads to New York with nothing more than hopes and dreams. I want that for you, I want you to know that cities like New York are real and possible places to live out your life, but I also want you to know that places like New York may be too much for you and that you always have a home with me, wherever we may end up.

I’m excited to see New York through your eyes and with you by my side. I’m excited to show you where I’ve been, what I know and learn a few new things with you.

I’ll apologize now about the Subway, I already know that isn’t going to be your favorite, but trust me when I say I will share my excellent bob and weave tactics with you as well as my hand sanitizer.

You will get to experience a side of New York many visitors don’t, we’ll be taken in by locals, guided by lifers and you’ll have a chance to see how families like ours exist in a place like Manhattan. We’ll have pizza, dim sum, hot dogs, dumplings and so many cupcakes.  We’ll go to a birthday party, maybe a Broadway show, a swanky hotel and to an everyday office. We’ll smell terrible things, we’ll see wonderful things and there will be times when we’ll both just go ‘whoa.’

You’ll also get to see Andrea, I’m not sure which one of you will be more excited about that.

I’m so happy I get to be your mom, I’m convinced there isn’t a better kid out there to hang out with. I hope you’re as excited about this (once you know about it, that is) as I am.

xx,

Mama

 

 

Things are in a sort of chaotic, yet silent uproar around these parts.

I haven’t fully unpacked my suitcase since the end of February and starting on Thursday it will be in constant motion until May 20th.

I won’t even be home for Mother’s Day, I’ll be in the second happiest place on earth with my own mama. I talked to her yesterday and she squealed “I’ve been telling everyone that my kid is taking me to Disneyworld for Mother’s Day!” I was writing her a little Mother’s Day thank you letter when I realized we are now equals. I don’t rely on her for anything and she really can’t boss me around anymore. Rather than her being the mom and me being the daughter, we can now live out our lives as friends for however long our wits and health allow us to.

While I am beyond excited to be a part of this year’s Disney Social Media Moms (and Dads) conference, I’m even more excited to share what I do best with my mom. I’ll be able to show her off to the people who know me professionally as the woman who let me live through my teen years and my colleagues will be able to get to know this crazy cool little lady I call mama. I haven’t ever written a *whole* lot about my mom because for a long time we didn’t get along so well, it’s crazy to sit here now giddy and anxious with the anticipation of spending an entire weekend with her. I couldn’t even tell you what or who changed and when, perhaps it’s just been this gradual and imperceptible acceptance and appreciation of each other and our own unique talents. I’d like to say it’s all the therapy I went to in my younger years. If it did in fact take 9 years for all that therapy to kick in, that’s a terrible ROI.

Vivi’s birthday was on Saturday. It was a good day.

Two is a much harder transition than one, one is still a baby. Two is just a very little kid with terrible communication skills.

I can’t believe how well she fits into our life. It’s as if there were a place for her all along, we just didn’t realize it was there.

Kind of like that button in your car that turns on all the overhead lights with one push, it’s so handy! Why didn’t I notice it before? My life will never be the same from here on out!

And it won’t, because once you’ve experienced my offspring your life is never really the same.

My birthday at Disneyland was everything I dreamed a birthday at Disneyland could be.

Some people thought I would be lonely.

Other people thought I was crazy.

Tracey met me early on and we both peed a little on Tower of Terror. Afterwards she took me to lunch and it was the most perfect segue into the rest of my day. I met Mr. Origami, Alexander, who just so happens to share the same birthday as me . (He guessed I was 26. Bless you Alexander.) He gave me a little purple origami box I put my ticket in when I got home. I befriended an eight year old named Wallace in a single rider line, I kind of wanted to set him up with Addie. He planned out the rest of my day for me and when I told him I was planning on eating ice cream for dinner I could tell I solidified adulthood as being awesome in Wallace’s mind.

Thanks to my birthday button I was wished ‘happy birthday’ no less than a hundred times and it never got old.

I can remember walking behind Addie on her 8th birthday aboard the Disney Magic, every crew member who saw her wished her a “Happy Birthday, Princess!” in their native language. I could see her stand a little taller every time they did. One of the things I love most about that kid is her inability to mask emotion, turns out I may be where she got it from.

It’s official. Disney can become even more magical when combined with your birthday.

Can’t see the video? Click here.

Thanks for the memories Disneyland, you’re simply the best.

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(Entire video shot with my Samsung Galaxy camera, I’m so in love with this thing it’s crazy. Not sponsored.)

It’s April 28th which means it’s my birthday.

Only the very best day of the year for yours truly.

I spent last night at the Radio Disney Music Awards as a Minnie Messenger surrounded by screaming Mahomies, Beliebers, Directioners, Simpsonizers and Selenators.

We all went a little crazy.

 

At the end, enough confetti was dropped on my head I began to worry about being buried alive in it, but if there’s one thing I can always count on Disney for, it’s confetti and fireworks.

Today will be spent at Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth and the place where my heart snuggles in and sings sweet songs of joy, love, and happiness until it’s time to bid adieu.

It’s a tradition around these parts that you wonderful people make a comment cake for my birthday, layers upon layers of wonderful comments that I can read as I wait in line for Space Mountain, Small World and Dumbo this afternoon.

In years past I’ve asked for the best parts of your day/week. This time around I’m going to ask something a little different (unless of course you had an amazing moment, then I selfishly want to know that as well.) This year I want to know: What is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for someone else? Go ahead, brag about it. This is no time for humility, you’re a wonderful person, go ahead and acknowledge it and make my day. Maybe you’ll even inspire others to commit random acts of kindness as well.

Ready?

Go!

Perhaps you recall that last month I was in Disneyland doing Disney-ish things with no real explanation as to what I was actually doing there aside from feeling things.

THE MOUSE IS OUT OF THE BAG AND I CAN FINALLY TALK ABOUT IT.

Keeping secrets is not my strong suit and this was a tough one to keep, this post explains what I’ll be doing better than I can, especially since the only sounds that come out when I talk about it are high pitched squeals and and seal claps.

Which brings me to the big question, what does a 30 year old mom wear to the Radio Disney Music Awards this Saturday? I almost bought BOP and Tiger Beat at the airport last week, for research. Thankfully Mindy’s 13 year old twins will be there to help me out.

I AM SO EXCITED.

You can just consider Minnie my new best friend. I’m so excited to share her with you throughout the coming year. When it comes to style icons and role models? Minnie is the mouse.

How’s this for strange blessings?

Vivi isn’t any less grumpy or sad than she was at the beginning of the week but she did lose her voice overnight, meaning every single fit she threw today was completely silent. There was one when I wouldn’t let her sit in Addie’s booster seat, one when I wouldn’t let her take the tiny shopping cart at Trader Joe’s with her, one when I wouldn’t let her sample coffee at Costco and a really big one when I wouldn’t let her work behind the cash register at Dick’s.

Fits are a lot more manageable (especially in public) when they are totally silent and there is only angry flailing to deal with.

We also scored really good parking spaces everywhere we went which always makes things better.

Want to know the story leading up to this moment?

Click here to see 24 minutes in the life of Vi (above hug included.)

The support around my #LookForTheLovely is making me all warm and fuzzy, it seems to be doing the same for others as well (which was totally the point.) Find out more about it here.

I spoke to Addie’s ENTIRE SCHOOL at the beginning of April, want to see me panicked? Here’s video from some of my presentation:

Last but not least, I had the grand honor and fortune to attend Club Penguin HQ last week. I am smitten. The people who run that company are my people. It’s too bad they’re so far away. Find out a little about the passion behind the penguins here.

I hope this weekend gives you the rest I’m pretty sure we all need after this tumultuous week.

You should probably also watch this, if you don’t laugh we’re probably not meant to be bosom buddies.

I started running on Saturday.

Which sounds strange because I’ve probably been running since I was a wee tot but when I say ‘I started running’ I mean I have started running on purpose rather than to fulfill  my previous rule of only running away from bears.

There’s a very good reason why I am running on purpose, but I can’t quite disclose it yet. (DON’T YOU JUST LOVE VAGUE BLOGGING? I sure do.)

Cody is running the Indy Mini for the second year only this year he’s actually been training rather than deciding on Tuesday that he’d kind of like to try running a mini marathon come Saturday. On Friday we went to a swanky running store for people who enjoy running on purpose to get fit with proper shoes, this involved running on a treadmill then watching your feet from behind in slow motion.

The guy who helped us was *super jazzed* about running and everything running involves. When he heard me mutter “I hate running” he looked as though I had just said I hate his mom, his dad, his running shoes and him.  After I explained myself a bit more he suggested I try something new! “Have you tried trail runs? How about outdoor adventure runs! WHAT ABOUT RACES? DO YOU LIKE RUNNING THROUGH FIELDS OF TULIPS? I DO!” I smiled and nodded when the guy behind me piped up and said “Drive somewhere to go run? That’s stupid.”

At this moment? I agree. I have a hard time believing running is something EVERYONE! would love if they just tried a little harder, but I’m keeping an open mind.

Saturday morning. Running shoes on, calves stretched and the ladies appropriately stashed in a very high tech sports bra I faced down a treadmill for the first time with the intent or raising the speed above my preferred 3.7 mph (which is the speed where things get too bouncy for me to be able to read my Kindle.) My pants were too big, so anytime I sped up I feared the treadmill behind me was going to end up with a full moon showing of my rear end. The treadmill had a TV but I didn’t really understand how it worked so I ended up watching Anthony Bourdain eat something with legs still attached, then get his feet manipulated by a small Asian man. Note to the channel that airs Anthony Bourdain’s show, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE UNKEMPT FEET THAT CLOSE. Thank you.

I am not a runner. Maybe I’ll become one but I’m not really holding my breath (especially not while running on a treadmill because  that would end terribly.) I have a local friend in who is a runner, who used to not be a runner, in fact she was a self proclaimed running hater. If she can do all that she’s done with a very similar body type (and really good hair) surely I can too. While I may hate running, I don’t really have anything to base my hate on because I’ve never really given it a 100% effort. My other friend Jennette calls things like this her “Piss-Off Policy” which basically means you give something others suggest an honest to goodness try and f it doesn’t work out, you can tell people to “‘piss off‘ without remorse” at any future suggestions of said activity. The other greatest Casey on the Internet posted a link to this article on Facebook yesterday and JUST YES TO ALL OF IT LET’S ALL QUIT JUDGING EACH OTHER.

I’m going to be giving this whole running thing a good solid effort for at least a month with the hopes that I’ll fall in love with it. If not? I’ve always got my friends at yoga to keep me feeling young and fit.

What’s your favorite workout? Mine quite honestly is dance, but treadmills are easier to find around these parts. (And for those of you who are all “DON’T YOU HIT THE BIG O ON TREADMILLS?” Good for you! You’ve been around since 2008 when that unfortunate incident occurred. And yes. I mean, well. I used to. I’m pretty sure with weight loss my thighs don’t quite produce the same jiggle and friction they used to, so, yeah. That’s kind of thing of the past. And to those of you who think “If treadmills did that to me I’d run all the time!” you are sorely mistaken. I don’t know anyone who would want to hop up and run five miles after having that happen. No, once *that* happens you really just want to take a nap. Not a run.)