perhaps I’m the minority?

Posted bycasey coombsPosted inToo lazy to label.

Vivi is officially a horrible flier. I gave her a pass on horrible flights one and two, but flights three, four and six were all equally as terrible. Notice how I left the fifth flight out? Yeah, that’s because horrible isn’t an adequate enough adjective for how bad our flight from Salt Lake to Chicago was last night. You guys, she SCREAMED the entire flight. And not just gentle complaints, but backwards head throwing screaming at the top of her lungs so loud people probably thought I was smuggling razor blades in her intestines.

She’s getting her top molars which has to have contributed to the misery but YOU GUYS. I did my best. Oh my gosh I did my best.

Once we got off the plane I realized because of delays in Salt Lake I didn’t have 40 minutes between flights, I had 4.

The thought of immediately getting on another plane with Vivi sent me into sobbing fits. I was all alone. I had at least another hour on a plane with her. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time.

I’m not even sure I’ve cried that hard in public, ever.

Despite dozens, if not hundreds of people seeing me crying while pushing a stroller through the terminal, no one said anything. One flight attendant on my flight was gracious enough to ask if I was okay, take my bags and get me some water.

When someone is visibly sobbing it’s not like someone who may or may not be pregnant, something is clearly going on. You say something, you do something. You don’t just look the other way because emotions make you uncomfortable. I have sat with many people in many different places who have been crying. With a mom who lost her son in Disneyworld, another woman who was having a panic attack in the Chicago Children’s Museum, one woman who was simply having a hard time at Blissdom and I hugged another mom when she got a call that her son was being rushed to the ER for a severe cut on his finger.

If you’re having a hard time? I hug.

I’m a hugger.

Even if you’re a stranger.

I’m also a hand holder or shoulder patter.

Someone once told me that it had been months since they had had any physical contact with another human. We’re not even talking physical bow chicka contact, we’re talking a hug or a hand hold. This wasn’t a smelly mean person either, this was a normal well adjusted human whom I like a lot. Just because someone is of a certain age, has a partner, kids or still lives at home doesn’t mean they get the physical interaction we all need as humans. Hugs can change lives. Hand squeezes can brighten dire situations.

I’m not saying you should make out with strangers or hug crying women in the airport for an awkward amount of time…but you guys. We’re all in this together, so why did I go through a panic attack in a very public place alone last night?

What stops you from helping people or reaching out?

(I should mention that when it comes to people asking for money, I’m more than happy to buy them food or a cup of coffee, or offer them food or bottled water I keep in my car.  (Literally, beggars can’t be choosers right?) I have been told “I don’t want food, I want a dollar.” more than I have been taken up on my offer to buy/give food. Well then. Responses like this keep a tiny little cynic alive inside me.)

139 thoughts on “perhaps I’m the minority?”

  1. I carry coupons for a free McD’s cheeseburger (or Wendy’s Frosty or whatever it is that I can buy for $10 at the counter) and hand them out in Chicago when people are begging. The truly hungry are beyond grateful and I’m happy to help. Also, in Chicago, if you have leftovers from a restaurant, get it to-go and leave it on top of any bank of newspaper machines in the city- it is our universal sign of “please eat this if you are hungry’ and it is a great way to save on wasted food.

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      1. @Casey, Outside Giardano’s is the only place a homeless man has ever been grateful to accept leftovers. Other places we have always been turned down when offering to buy food.

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  2. Hundreds of virtual hugs coming your way. Makes me sad that no one reached out to you.

    **HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**HUGS**

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  3. I am so sorry! If it was me and you, of course I’d give you a hug.

    The reason that I don’t do anything or say anything is because I’ve been burned. I’ve gotten dirty looks and people have screamed and told me to get lost. So I don’t do it any more.

    I think I’m going to start doing it again, though.

    For your part, maybe next time you can make a sign that says: “Approach me, please” 🙂

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  4. I would’ve hugged you. Even if I didn’t know you. But parenthood has made me both softer and way nosier.

    Much love and chocolate to you both. So sorry you had to go through that.

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  5. Oh honey, Im so sorry it was such a hard flight. And I have been that mom/woman sobbing running through the airport with children and no one ever stopped me, talked to me, offered to help. It is a horrible thing to know you’ve lost it and people can see you sobbing and to feel so incredibly alone at the same time. I’m like you, I reach out. I don’t understand what holds so many back. Thank you for your bravery and transparency in writing about this, and I really do understand. *HUG*

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  6. I was sobbing at an airport baggage claim once (the reason is irrelevant)….like, the hiccup-y ugly cry that gives you a headache and puffy eyes for hours. People were giving me awkward sidelong glances before hurriedly passing by, which made me cry even harder.

    Then, suddenly, a box of tissues appeared in front of my face. The lady sitting behind the customer complaint window for an airline had left her post for just a moment to bring me something to mop up my tears. She didn’t say a word, but that kindness has stayed with me for years.

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  7. I’d like to think that I’d stop.
    I’d hope that I’d stop.
    I’d also like to think that I’d offer to walk her, or something, on the flight, or something, just to give you a little break. God knows, sometimes a different face helps. Even if it doesn’t, it gives the parent a chance to breathe.

    *hugs*

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  8. First of all, that photo? My whole being hurts for you. Second, I’m a hugger too. I am physically in pain when I see someone crying and can’t help myself. Third, I’ve had flights like you describe. Screaming the entire flight, kinda flights. Many times I spent hours in the bathroom with said screaming flyer. Oh my, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So so SO sorry it went poorly. Sending yo love and cupcakes and lots of long naps for Viv. xoxo

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    1. @Arianne, How good is that braid though? Total you tube staying up too late talent.
      *deep breath*
      The thing that keeps me going some days is knowing that there are people like you out there, surely the world can’t be all that bad.

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  9. Oh, Casey. I am so sorry this happened to you (and Miss Vivi). That must have been terrible. I wish we could all be nicer, more perceptive, a little braver, and more willing to offer support to those who look like they need it (like you always offer), even when it’s a stranger in an airport. So many people just don’t know how/want to show emotions, and we’re so willing to pass the buck. I bet tons of people in the airport who saw you crying assumed someone ELSE would take charge and attempt to ask if you needed help. For what it’s worth, if I’d seen you, I would have had lots of bony hugs to offer you (my shoulders and collarbone are a little awk). Much love. ❤

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  11. Any distraught woman with a small child, I would’ve asked if I could help. I’ve been there – had my 3.5 y.o. and my 1.5 y.o. on a flight from DC to Denver. 2 hour ground hold in DC, then intermittent turbulence, 3 y.o. threw up multiple times all over himself, his car seat, 2 changes of clothes, and, of course, me. Just as we started circling Denver for an hour in wind shear, and they announced that everyone needed to stay buckled in, 1.5 y.o. pooped and then spilled juice on the sanctimonious woman in a linen suit sitting next to me, who began scolding me on my parenting skills just as 3 y.o. threw up again. I started ugly crying. When the flight was over, the flight attendants gave the woman next to me free drink coupons. WTF was up with that?

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    1. @Kathleen, YOU WIN ALL THE AWARDS. I played “what’s the worst that could happen” before I got on my flight and your story is pretty much what I concocted in my head.

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  13. I’ve been there. I’m an ugly crier, and I started crying when my then 6 month old was screaming on the plane. But I had the opposite issue. It wasn’t a full flight, and I had EVERYONE giving me unhelpful advice – maybe she needs to be fed, maybe she needs a pacifier? The flight attendant actually picked up my daughter and held her, and she stopped crying! But if I was crying, and she was crying, and no one stopped at said anything? I think I would have cried harder. I’m sorry no one even stopped to ask if you needed anything, even if only to give you terrible parenting advice.

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    1. @Stephanie, Oh, I had my share of horrible parenting advice, it just paled in comparison to being absolutely ignored in the terminal. (I held it together until I got off the plane, yay me!)

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  14. I would have probably NOT said anything unless I saw something obvious I could do because if I am falling apart in public–the last thing I would want would be someone to talk to me. I am too much of “I am a big girl, I can do it all by myself” sort for my own good. I would have checked to see if it looked like there was something immediate I could do…given a sympathetic look, and then given privacy. Will reconsider though…

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  15. I’m a hugger too. I think there are too few of us. I’m sorry you were alone. I probably couldn’t have helped but sometimes having a hand to hold makes a tough time just a little easier.

    *HUGS*

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  16. As a non-mom and a non-hugger of strangers (generally, at least) I’m completely baffled on what was wrong with the people at the airport. I’m sorry, but if I see a woman sobbing and holding a baby?!?!?? I’m sitting next to her and offering kleenex and candies (is it weird I always have hard candies in my purse and I’m only in my mid-30’s and not, say, a grandparent?) and anything else I can think of. Because, SERIOUSLY!! Erg. I’m so sorry your flight sucked so much. And I wish there had been nicer strangers around. 😦

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      1. @Casey, See, everyone LOVES candies! Grandmas know what’s up. In my defense though, I generally go for Jolly Ranchers (and even eat them regularly enough that they don’t get sticky or yucky). But yeah, a candy makes EVERYTHING better. 🙂 hehe

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  18. I’m not much of a hugger (more of an accidental one in the rush of excitement or caring), but I would’ve definitely stopped to ask if you were okay and if I could help.
    PS. I would’ve cried after that flight, too.

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  19. Travelling with our Addison is killer, though she’s getting better. I feel your pain. My wife is away right now with our toddler, and I’ll be flying out to meet them in a few days, and I am so glad I’m not flying with Addison, much as I love her. I tried it alone with her from LA to DC once, and I prepped for that flight for weeks, it seemed. It was like I was going into war.

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  20. I did once ask a sobbing mother if I could help in an airport. She was with a child and from the way she was holding her I thought maybe the little girl had been lost. She declined my offer. I felt I should of done something more but I was focused on not losing my 2 little girls in the airport.
    Hard stuff traveling with kids.

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  21. Firstly, I am so sorry that you had to experience this lack of compassion. I have traveled a 21 hour flight to vist my parents in SA several ties whn they were newborns and toddlers, I was solo and there was hardly a time that anyone ever offered me a hand, with luggage, with carrying kids and carry on, with a kid screaming with ear ache, all I ever got,sadly, was ignoed or glared at. AND IT SUCKS. I am a hugger too. A hand holder. A water giver. So,there ARE some of u out there and I’m hoping this pot will remind people howmuch others need that when theyre ooverwhelmed like you were. A year and a half ago, I had to fly to Ireland for my Dad’s funeral. The first flight was cancelled, which meantI was going to miss the second flight from London and mis the funeral. I stood at a tickt desk at Dulles airport and sobbed, sobbed as a ticket agent told me there’s nothing he could do. He was brutally uncompassionate. An entire line f people stood behind me and watched me sobbing and already emotional because I’d lost my Dad. NOT ONE of them came up to me, not one. No woman, or man came up and gave me comfort. I had just left my children with a friend, I was in the middle of that goddam airport alone amongs thousands of people and that’s exactly what I felt. I have never felt more alone in my life. So, I GET this post and it makes me want to cry for you. But, just writing it might make someone more aware of how we all need compassion and how onesmallgesture, even as tiny as a hug or hand can make someone’s day a hell of a lot better. But it scares me, that we live in a world where it justdosn’t happen. Thanks for writing this. : ) And HUGS xxx Wish I’d been there to do it in person. xx

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  24. I am not a hugger. I didn’t grow up with it, and I sometimes get panic attacks at the thought of it. Late one night I was at a police station, waiting for my friend who was having marital issues, and there was a teenage girl there. She was crying so hard that it hurt my heart. I sat down beside her, and I held her for about 45 minutes; she cried for the entire time. I like to think that I could have extended myself for you too, if I had been at that airport.

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  25. Oh man. It’s so tough flying with kids. I remember flying with a couple of mine (or maybe it was a few of them – whatever) and I don’t remember whether I was crying or just visibly frustrated but a woman behind me saw that I was trying to quiet my baby by breastfeeding and she said something like “That’s such a good thing you’re doing” and it really made me feel so much better. Maybe because I had my fists up, ready to defend myself. Or because I was feeling so awful that anything would have helped.

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  26. I’m such a hugger and I send you tons of virtual ones. I totally get this post. My fiancée and I were long distance for over 2 years and our visits always ended in an airport with one leaving and the other one crying. I cannot tell you the number of times I sat at my gate crying and not one soul thought to say something.
    I’m sad that it happened to you too.

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    1. @Hannah, Airports are such emotional places. People coming from and going to the most joyous events and the most horrible ones. There has to be some way to make them more human.

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  27. {HUGS} I’ve done the kid thing, one of the flights was 12 hours long, then 2 more after that. I remember having the baby in a front carrier on my chest, and TRYING to open the overhead to get diapers or something and get a suitcase — NOT easy. Yeah NOBODY helped me. The other was when I was Pregnant and fell in the busiest mall ever on a saturday. NOBODY offered to help me up, or ask if I was ok, the store owner guy who saw me fell, turned around and went to call someone to clean up the spilt drink off the floor !! That was Australia for ya, on BOTH of those occasions.

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  29. I so wish we hadn’t missed our flight from Atlanta last night. I was supposed to be at the airport in Chicago! I would’ve hugged the stuffing out of you and held your hand all the way to your gate.

    And also: As a stranger whom you did help? (Type-A Con. Panic attack. Nap in your room.) THANK YOU. That made me more inclined to help strangers myself.

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  31. So, SO sorry my poor, poor dear girl.
    I’m not a hugger, but I would have given you my most sympathetic look with lots of patting and done whatever I could to help.

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  32. Oh honey 😦 That is a terrible ordeal, and I’m so sorry nobody even tried to help you or comfort you. Flying with children is BEYOND stressful. And it certainly doesn’t help that the mood in this country is that children are inconveniences who don’t deserve to travel amongst the masses. Ugh. I’m so angry for you.

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  33. I’ve been in some of the most excruciating times out in public with my kids. In NYC, it’s also common for no one to stop and say anything… It’s as though people are trained to look away and ignore. In the hospital when I was told our baby most likely had a genetic disorder, I fell to the ground sobbing with Zoe in tow. No one stopped (it’s a hospital) until a social worker happend upon us. I’ll never forget the feeling of utter aloneness.
    My point in all of this is I’m sorry you went through this. So sorry. The bright side? You’ll always have future flights and hard times to compare this experience to, and hopefully they’ll always pale in comparison. xo

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  34. Casey, I am so sorry to hear that the people in the airport with you that night were callous, but can I just say you are an excellent hugger. At the risk of sounding creepy, I still remember the hug you gave me at Blissdom. You hug like you mean it and I like that about you.

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  35. 😦 I’d have stopped and helped and possibly even hugged you. and not just because you are you but because that’s what we should do. we were created to give of ourselves. we should do it more often!

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  36. We pulled into Chicago last night, but we were nowhere near the airport, or you know I would have hugged the stuffing out of you, mopped up the drippy mascara, nibbled Vivi”s thighs, and then hailed a golf cart to get you to your connecting gate on time. Can I buy you a cupcake and take a rain check on the hug? Say maybe Wednesday evening or sometime on Thursday before the missionaries? Breakfast at Le Peep, perhaps?

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  37. I was in the airport in Chicago, on my way home from my sister dying. I sat down for lunch at Wolfgang Puck’s and started crying after I placed my order. My waitress, a woman with an eastern European accent, came over and said “Something happened?” I nodded. “Someone died?” she asked. I sobbed. She reached down and gathered me in her arms. I will never forget her kindness.

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  38. I would definitely have stopped to check if you were okay and given you a hug. I also would have been helping hold your baby or do anything to help.

    I cannot understand how women can not reach out to another mother in need.

    I’m so sorry you were alone in that time.

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  39. I’m crying right now for you. I’m so sorry no one reached out. I would have. I once saw a woman sobbing while driving (as we all have done) and wanted to follow to reach out.

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  40. I’m agnostic at best, but when my mother is around I am dragged to church. It doesn’t harm anyone and pleases her.

    One of these times out I had just moved to a new town of about 2,000. Everyone knew everyone and I was the newcomer.

    The woman beside me cried throughout the sermon. She had to be 50-60. I was 19. I put my arm around her and held onto her the entire time.

    When the sermon was over she told me, “Thank you.” in a tone that seemed truly relieved.

    The preacher came up to me after (you know the dreaded milling about after a church service to shake hands and such) and told me that the woman had just lost her husband and had confided in him that she didn’t know if she could go on until someone showed her a bit of kindness.

    It’s these moments when you know that the simplest of things can make a life better.

    I wish I could have been there for you.

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    1. @Rie, Oh my. This is a WONDERFUL story.
      Bless you for being in exactly the right place at exactly the right time (even if it was an ironic place.)

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  41. So this one time I was literally miscarrying on my flight and trying to entertain my kid. Another time I sobbed in a museum cafeteria in London. Both times people looked at me like I was making them uncomfortable. But when I was traveling with all three and our flight was delayed 4 hours getting us home at 4 AM all kinds of people were sweet and understanding and offering help. Maybe because they were all in the same boat? Your pictures is so sad. But you sure look pretty when you cry. You need a buddy when traveling with Vivi. Or a valium. Sorry sweetie. E-hugs to you.

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  42. Oh, Casey – so very sorry for you and Vivi. I also would like to think that I would stop and offer suggestions, a hug, or some other touchy-feely gesture.
    Truth is, the whole process of flying is designed to remove the humanity even from Ghandi. It’s simply the worst, and we assimilate without really realizing it: the “hurry up and wait” rigid schedules; cramped-at-best tight spaces; and the whole security experience where our kindness gene gets frisked and removed and we don’t see it again until we land and check into a hotel and unpack it.
    I travel a LOT for work (mostly to Chicago) so I know exactly of what you speak. And I like to think of myself as empathetic, but something about the airport and air travel forces every-man-for-himself tunnel vision upon us.
    I’m glad you posted this, and wish they would run it on continuous loop on the CNN screens at O’Hare.
    I’m truly sorry you went through what you did, but it will make me stop and LOOK next time I do that cattle-call known as flying.
    Big, Michigan-sized hugs being sent your way.

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  43. YOU are the one that wrapped me in your embrace at Blissdom as I sobbed huge heaving ugly sobs. YOU comforted me and reassured me and were there.

    I’d have hugged you at the airport, Casey. ❤

    I have barely been hugged in the past week – it's just me and my kids these days and I can't lean too hard on them – and I can't even begin to describe the longing for comfort you feel when there's just…none.

    I'm so sorry your flights were awful. 😦

    Love you.

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    1. @Sarah, OH YES! That silly baby. My heart was broken for you yet so excited all at the same time.
      I’ve been thinking about you a lot, I know you can’t physically feel that, but maybe you can feel it the same way you feel sunshine.

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  44. I have bawled in my own church and had no one approach me. Small kindness (even passing a tissue!) can mean so much.

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  45. This makes my heart hurt. I wish I’d been there to lend a hand. (Also, I don’t remember who being difficult on our flight to BlogHer last year. Anomaly or Heather’s magic touch?)

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  46. I am a hugger…raising three huggers. We even have a saying “hugs are better than drugs” hahahah. I have no idea where that came from.

    Sigh…I SO feel your airport pain. I used to fly alone with 3 kids under 5—and people would look at me with the “oh, look at that poor girl who got knocked up” instead of “look at that emotional wreck of a mom who is doing this all alone.”

    I think that most of the time, it’s easier for strangers to pretend that everything’s fine, yanno?

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    1. @alimartell, Hugs ARE better than drugs! Even those Canadian ones they had out like Skittles!
      Instead of air marshals on flights there should be mom marshals.
      I decree it be so.

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  47. So sorry that no one reached out to you. Seeing someone else cry always makes me cry, and crying with someone else is always better than crying alone. Sending hugs your way.

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  48. Casey-thank you for writing this. I have hesitated to stop in the past because I do not want to bother anyone…I will now! Hugs and you look beautiful even when you are crying!

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  49. My daughter, who is now grown up, has always had trouble on planes. She bawled and bawled on flights as a young girl. Her ears don’t pop, so the pain is incredible. Unfortunately, we haven’t found a solution, her ears still take days to get back to normal after a flight. Hang in there!

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