enveloped.

Posted bycasey coombsPosted indepression, I'm a Mormon!, pregnancy

It feels as though there are invisible hands choking me.

The grip is tighter sometimes than others.

At this moment? It’s tight. I’m afraid to move for fear of it truly overtaking me again like it did on Friday.

It gets tighter when Cody isn’t next to me. And at the moment he’s not. And tomorrow he’ll be back at work.

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.

Some may say codependency, I say he’s the only safe thing I know when the real me is lost.

I’ve been slinking around the Internet reading the words so many of you have written. I want so desperately to be able to reach out to you, to help you the way you’ve helped me. I occasionally stare at twitter and skype wanting so badly to get involved with my friends and with people whom I’ve never met who are pulling for me. But it doesn’t last. I can’t keep it up.

Maybe you know what I mean?

And sleep isn’t coming easily. Which makes this even harder for me. Being wide awake with my misfiring brain when the rest of the world is fast asleep? It’s hard. Last night an owl kept me company. Which in theory sounds like a lovely thing to have keep you company, but if you’ve never heard an owl? They’re unsettlingly loud. Add the whole dark mysterious forest in the back yard to to equation and I kind of miss the fire trucks, modified mufflers and domestic battles that lulled me to sleep in the city.

This time is hard. Because I don’t know how or when it’s going to end. Or what the future holds for my brain. So much talk goes around about postpartum depression, and I didn’t do so well last time. But if you’re one of the lucky ones who has exasperated antenatal depression? Well. It’s kind of like coming up with a battle strategy for leaving the fire for the frying pan, where you have to bring a tiny little baby and your family along with you.

I want desperately to be worrying about nursery colors and arranging bitty baby clothes, not “How am I going to make it to Friday?”

I am grateful for the tiny little reprieve I got between the shock, the worry, the transition, the sickness, the something may be wrong, the anxiety and now this. My memory is pretty talented to have blocked out so much of what I went through the first time. It covered my postpartum fears with delivery fears and it covered those with antenatal depression fears. It then covered those fears with the fear of miscarriage or something being wrong. Those were covered up with the deep and abiding fear of being sick while the whole situation was covered in the giant overwhelming fear that I would never have another baby of my own to rock to sleep.

As I tear through the layers, vividly remembering each one I also remember there’s a reason I wanted to do this again. There’s a reason people have more babies. There’s a reason people fight and spend and never give up hope to get babies here.

Which also reminds me. Baby books, especially the parts about delivery? Are not a comforting distraction when your brain is wrecked.

This never will be easy for me, but at least someone promised me somewhere along the way that it would be worth it.

(At 1:31…just watch it.)

73 thoughts on “enveloped.”

  2. My anxiety is always worse when no one else is around, so when you say you’re afraid for when Cody is gone this week, I really, seriously understand that part and I really feel for you.

    I’m off of school for another week, so if you need me, you know many places to find me.

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  6. I hope you can overcome all of these feelings and come out on the other side- stronger for it.

    I know exactly what you’re going through- my pregnancy was such a struggle this time and, now, with a 7 wk old, I am still trying to come out of it. In fairness, I never dealt with this during my other pregnancies- so I applaud you for jumping into it again- knowing what you know.

    It will be worth it. You will also get joy out of Addi’s eyes through the whole situation- I know my other kids’ excitement has helped me.

    Good luck to you, dear. I’m always around to listen.

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  7. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Casey. You are a beautiful soul that deserves the joy of this pregnancy over what you are going through. I know you can get through it, even as I understand just how deeply you struggle. I’ve been my husband’s Cody for 8 years, and I’ve seen how tough and painful it can be. Your support system is close, and all willing to jump in and help. If you need ANYTHING, I’m just a tweet away.

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  8. Thinking of you. I hope the clouds clear soon so the sun can shine bright.

    The video is something *I* needed to see. Thank you for sharing.

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  9. Close your eyes and try to imagine our hands lifting, supporting, praying. Go hug your daughter. I know it’s so very dark, but look for light – it’s there.

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  10. I hate living this far away from you. I wish I could do more to help. I know you, though, and you are a strong person. You’ll make it through this. And I’m here if you need absolutely anything at all. LOVE.

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  11. My anxiety always went swirling out of control while pregnant. Like crazy.

    I have no advice other than the fact that I’m sitting here, in the flesh, reading your words. There is hope on the other side.

    Thinking of you.

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  12. I’ll be holding you close in my heart for the next days to come. My heart it aches for you. I hope that in your darkest moments, you remember the beautiful woman who recorded “this is who you are”. I remember her often…

    Wishing you peace, Casey and lots and lots of love.

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  13. Oh my good God I’m sorry.

    I’m sorry cause at times I wished (I can’t even say it)

    I’m sorry cause my depression is so deep I can’t even feel yours..

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  14. I too suffer with depression and don’t know what I would have done without Mama Mia these last months. God never intended us to walk alone.

    I pray He will be “the Lifter of your head”.

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  16. I know, to a degree, the darkness, the inner demons, the fog…whatever you want to call it. I am getting to the other side of that right now. And hope is what has gotten me there. Hang on to that hope. Prayers and hugs for you and your family at this time.

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  18. During my first pregnancy, I experienced what I imagine to be a brief glimmer of the depths of what you’re dealing with. I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers. Hoping your brain finds peace with your heart soon.

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  22. I will add your family to my prayer list. I’ve been a slacker about praying until recently, when a friend lost her full-term baby just before Christmas. I bring this up not to worry you – DON’T PANIC – but to tell you that prayers help us. In her grief, my friend felt our love, strength and comfort.

    Like Barb said, imagine our hands lifting, supporting, praying. Imagine we are there with our arms around you. Imagine how much we care, the people who read your words and are touched by them, and then multiply that by how much Heavenly Father loves you.

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  25. I’m sorry. I also struggle with antenatal, postpartum, and general all the time depression. I tried going off the meds this pregnancy, and it wasn’t working for me. The decision between a slightly chemically altered baby and a mother who wants to drive the car into the lake was an easy choice to make. I hope some choices will come easy for you. Good luck.

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  26. I have been thinking of you a lot lately.

    I haven’t slept in over a week. Even taking meds only helps me to stay sleeping, it doesn’t help me to actually fall asleep. so i have been awake.

    and then i start praying for you…because from what you’ve posted here? I know you are awake too.

    anxiety sucks. and i know yours is worse than mine, so i pray.

    He will carry us, friend.

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  27. Hi…longtime reader, first time commenting (yay!).

    I think you are brave and strong and wise for dealing with this out loud. We don’t know each other, but please know you’re in my prayers. I’m sending you good vibes from the mountains of northern Arizona. 🙂

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  30. I know so many people wish they could be there just to offer help and support… myself included.

    We’re all thinking of you. And, if there is anything your far away friends can do… please don’t hesitate to e-mail!

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  31. In many ways I know exactly what you mean (though at my worst I’ve never been “in it” as deeply as you have been).

    As for responding, none is necessary. It makes me feel better to leave you a message (though if you’ve closed comments, perhaps I shouldn’t?).

    Much love…

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  37. Yours is the only blog I read right now. You’re like this friend I’ve never met, yet know so well. As as a cyberfriend, thanks for sharing. I am sending you hugs, prayers of comfort, and hope that you’ll get through this. xo

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  39. A long time reader and former Hoosier also sending you thoughts of hope. Know that even in the middle of it, you are sending hope to others simply by talking about what you are going through.

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  40. I know exactly what you are going through. I suffered from ante-natal and post-natal depression. There were many times I didn’t think I would make it. The depression is the reason I only have one child. I was so afraid of going through it again while pregnant. It is the biggest regret of my life.

    I wanted to say that you can get through this. You are not alone. And you have the baby coming. Such joy, such hope. You won’t ever have to admit to your secret self at three in the morning that you long for that baby but can’t do it because of the power of the black dog hanging on to your heels.

    I am thinking of you and praying for you and am so glad you won’t ever have to wonder what could have been. It’s going to be alright. I just know it.

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  42. I wish I could say something that would make all the fear and anxiety go away. I’ll just say that I am praying and sending good thoughts for brighter days. They will come just have faith.

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  43. It’s pretty safe to say that I might be up when you’re up at night, if you ever want to check and see. And I just think it’s so interesting that I dreamt of two GINORMOUS owls last night- so vivid, and I felt fear but still tried to go closer so that I could take their picture.

    Steph

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  45. I know that fear. That anxiety. There is hope and that video…thank you so much for sharing. I wish that I didn’t know those fears, I wish that you didn’t know them either. I know that there is that part of you inside that is holding on, that tiny rational voice in the sea of all the others. If you need anything know you can count on me & you are always in my thoughts.

    ((hugs))

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  46. I don’t know why, but most of the speeches that touch me most in the last year or so have come from President Uchtdorf. Thank you for sharing this – after a particularily draining holiday season, I needed to hear it.

    And know that I have the weirdest hours online ever, being up here in AK, so chances are if you’re up in the middle of the night? I’m up at 10 or 11pm here in AK… I can’t remember what my name is on Skype because it’s been so long since I used it… but I’m there if you need me!

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  48. Oh hon. I know where you are. It’s ugly. It sucks. It’s lonely even if you know you’re not alone there.

    my skype name is mypostpartumvoice. USE it. seriously. I will listen. Confidentially. ((hugs))

    Warmest,
    Lauren

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