i am…

Posted bycasey coombsPosted ininfertility, pregnancy

Addie will almost be six and a half.

Cody and I will have been married a decade.

It has been almost a year since I became at peace with it never happening again.

so...

I’ve become that story I hated so much “Well I know this girl who tried for five years, she finally gave up and it happened.”

I know the physical ache that this has caused some of you to feel. Oh, how I know. And I hate that I caused it.

I’m no longer allowed to sit with the infertiles, even though I was a spokesperson and card carrying member for years. However I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to take my place on the other side either…I’m listening too closely for the shoe to drop.

Turns out that getting pregnant after so long comes with a whole new deluge of emotions. Ones I didn’t see coming. Ones even fewer people understand, let alone talk about.

Ones I’m in therapy for.

I’m done choking on all these emotions silently. Because I know if I’m choking? There’s hundreds more of you out there choking as well. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, I hate feeling alone. And if I have to be the first one to say it? Then so be it.

I am finally pregnant after almost five years of secondary infertility, and I’m scared.

I also know somewhere deep down inside there’s a reason people keep having babies and there’s a reason people get so excited at the announcement of a new pregnancy.

I’m going to have to go off that knowledge, and off your excitement until I’m there too.

413 thoughts on “i am…”

  1. Wow wow WOW! Casey what amazing news. Keep us all posted! When are you due and all that? My baby sister and I hare 7 years apart and while we weren’t very close growing up we are SUPER close now. I’m sure Addie is thrilled! At her age she’ll really get to have fun with the baby! A big helper for you.

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  2. You deserve this. Try to be happy, to enjoy it. I know it’s much harder done than said, but you deserve to be happy, for you, for Cody, for Addie, and this baby. You deserve to enjoy this, and I so hope you are able to, I really do.

    On a happier note, I am so happy for you!! I’m also excited to see how cute this baby will be, because Addie is just gorgeous.

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  4. You know how happy I am for you. One thing I’ve been thinking of is the timing. Imagine if I had twins during law school. Not impossible but so much harder. Now that Moosh is in school, you may be able to rest more during your prenancy and sickness. I understand having different emotions. I cried about giving up my alone time with G. It’s really early. Forgive my rambling

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  5. I wanted to say some (really really happy!) swear words but then I remembered your blog would censor me. So that was stressful.

    Instead…. holy $#&^%$ @*&^%$.

    I am thrilled for you and your family.

    CONGRATULATIONS!!

    I am sending up many happy prayers for you today.

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  8. Oh wow! Huge congrats to you! I hope you feel better soon. Keep up with your therapy and think happy thoughts when you can! You have a new life inside you!

    (Know that you aren’t alone in your yucky thoughts. I was one of “those” that became pregnant by surprise with my third child last year. I didn’t find out for two months. When I did, I was very sad and my sadness lasted a long time. Three months ago I gave birth to a beautiful, perfect and happy baby! You can do it too!)

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  11. Casey i have been reading your blog for so long now and as soon as the page loaded and i saw this i gasped with excitement for you. Im sure you are anxious about it but i truly believe this is such a blessing and you will have peace of mind soon!

    I wish you the best of luck, health and happiness during the pregnancy. You have a ton of people following you on this journey and sending you good vibes, including myself. Much love ❤

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  12. I always read and never leave a comment, but this clearly deserves a change in routine. CONGRATS! Such wonderful and exciting news – I’m so happy for you and your family!

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  15. My heart stopped and I got tears in my eyes.

    After reading about all of your struggles and heartbreaks–I am so, SO HAPPY for you and your family.

    Congratulations on your WONDERFUL news! ^_^

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  19. I think this is my first comment, I’ve just been one of those lurkers and this had me in tears as soon as I saw the first line. I am so, so excited for you. As someone who is 7 1/2 years younger than her brother for the same reason I feel I can relate. Congratulations. Sending love your way.

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  24. I’m so incredibly happy for you! It’s odd to feel so happy for someone I’ve never met. And if good will and the loving thoughts of others can carry you over the low spots you’ll be floating miles high.

    The rest will come. It always does.

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  25. (Said with smiles and laughter and absolutely ecstatic JOY for you) Golly everyone is pregnant!!!! I was just telling my husband that and he reassured me he wasn’t. But this is a long time coming and I am so FREAKING HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!! Congratulations!

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  27. This post brought tears to my eyes.
    I am so so so very happy for you!!
    Congratulations to you and your beautiful little family!!

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  29. This is SO worth de-lurking (or leaving the comfort of the Reader) for. Congratulations!!!!

    Makes you think God really has a sense of humor, doesn’t it?

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  30. Oh my. Casey. I can’t tell you how pleased I am for you – I know what this has meant to you.

    HUG. Big HUG. Big LONG HUG all the way from Chicago.

    Congratulations, sweet thing.

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  34. I’m tearing up, knowing how long you waited for this. Addie is going to be a big sister! And, months from now, you & Cody will get to hold your new little life. So happy for you- and so happy that this baby I’m expecting will have another Indy friend!

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  37. Just came across your blog through @Metalia on Twitter. I had to comment to say I just told a friend yesterday that I do not believe those “we stopped trying and it happened” stories.

    Eating my words…

    Congratulations!

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  45. Congratulations! 🙂
    I too had an unexpected “gap” between my first born and my twins, nearly 6 years. BUT, turns out, that gap worked out great because I have a built-in babysitter!

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  46. …and it looks like you have a LOT of our excitement to go on!

    I AM so excited for you! I have come to feel that those emotions of not being able to fit in on either side are familiar with many of the women who have fought the battles of infertility and then had the miracle of becoming pregnant. And it is truly a beautiful miracle, thank you for sharing it with us and letting us be a part of your journey!

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  49. girl…you didn’t lose your infertile card. you just earned a miracle mommy one to go with it. you already know how excited i genuinely am for you and cody. live every moment of this…breathe it in…focus on the joy of now. and know that so many folks are praying for you. love you to pieces, casey!

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  50. Congratulations Casey! This is wonderful news! I do understand some of your emotions, too. We were in fertility treatments for 18 months and experienced a miscarriage at 8 1/2 weeks (after seeing the heartbeat). I am now 10 weeks pregnant with twins and I am filled with equal amounts of happiness and fear most of the time. When are you due?

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