I didn’t breastfeed. the moosh had a bottle within the first 24 hours of her life.
She was bottle fed with formula for her entire first year of life.
And guess what? She’s darn healthy and well adjusted for a little kid who had a bottle shoved down her maw for the first 12 months of her life.
Now some die hard breastfeeding mother out there is grumbling at me.
I tried.
Boy howdy did I try.
In the first few moments after she was born, I nursed her. It was so easy, so natural. Even the nurses said I made it look too easy. After the first day, things weren’t going so well. I was bleeding, I was chapped, I was sore. I dreaded nursing her. Nurses and lactation consultants came in to help (read, lactation consultants came in and felt me up something fierce.) Yet nothing came out, not even the colostrum they promised me would come. the tiny moosh screamed, and after a bottle she calmed down, she fell asleep, and I felt relieved. (And when I say relieved I mean I felt a huge amount of guilt for giving my child a bottle because I was going to be nurser extraordinaire.) There was no physical change in my boobs. Not throughout pregnancy, not after birth. (Well, except for the saggy thing. Darn you sag.)
Pediatricians and nurses kept telling me to KEEP UP WITH THE NURSING! My milk would come! Don’t give up! Don’t be one of those moms! Nursing will save society! I promised them I would.
Thus began my ritual of nurse, feed, pump. Every time the moosh woke up to eat I would start by nursing her, even though nothing was coming out. I would then have to bottle feed her because homegirl was hungry and pissed that all I did was shove an empty boob in her mouth. When she was finally settled down it was time for me to pump.
Encourage those puppies to produce!
Yet nothing ever came out. The only thing that hit the inside of that bottle was my sore bleeding nipple.
I did this at every feeding for two weeks.
I tried Reglan.
Correction, I was prescribed Reglan but the good pharmacist caught that I had a history of anti depressants and encouraged me to talk with the doctor that prescribed it. When I told the doctor that I was prone to intense depression he said “DO NOT TAKE THAT REGLAN.” Apparently Reglan, let loose in a postpartum woman’s system with a history of depression can lead to the postpartum woman jumping in front of moving cars and stuff.
Way to take a good history DOCTOR.
This is when I began to realize not a single doctor or nurse who forced nursing upon me was aware of my sickness while pregnant. I got pregnant at 180 pounds, I went home from the hospital with a new baby at 120 pounds.
That’s how sick I was.
No one bothered to consider that I was so emaciated from cooking that little baby that I had absolutely no reserves left for making milk. How could they? As soon as the moosh came out I was done with the puking.
I called the lactation consultant assigned to my boobs and asked her if there was a possibility that it would be physically impossible for me to nurse due to my HG while pregnant.
“I suppose” she said.
“Well then I’m done, this is ridiculous. You can come pick up your machine (pump) tomorrow.”
“But ma’am! There’s so much you haven’t tried! Brewer’s yeast! Supplemental nursers!”
I cut her off. “I am bloody, I am tired, my body is physically incapable of providing milk for my baby. I was bottle fed and I turned out okay. I’m sure my kid will too. Thank you.”
And guess what? The guilt was gone. the moosh was bottle fed, which was actually a huge blessing for me because it allowed others to watch her while I recovered from some serious postpartum depression.
So there you go.
I didn’t breastfeed. I tried. My body failed me.
Bummer.
making unbreakable - formerly moosh in indy. 
Sounds like you totally did the right thing. My goodness, sure breastfeeding is great, but let’s not make it into one more thing to make mothers feel guilty over the rest of their lives.
Also, thanks for linking to HER. I also had HG (but only for the first 5 months and I only lost 10-15 pounds) with both pregnancies, had to quit school and job and I was never made aware of what was wrong with me until AFTER I had my first child. I found HER on my own. Everyone kept telling me to just keep eating saltine crackers and I wanted to knock them out.
Especially helpful was the OBGYN that said “Some women throw up more than others.” Wow. Thanks for that golden nugget there!
Ninas last blog post..Here It Is. Make What You Will With It.
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I breastfed all 3 of mine, produced enough milk to feed a small third world country. I loved it, loved my kids….it sure didn’t keep my youngest from getting cancer.
You love the moosh, you are a great mommy doing what you can AS you can. SCREW anyone who pretends to know what’s best for you and yours.
Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..Turtles, Hips and Chocolate Cake
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I am so glad that you wrote that story – I wish when I was going through a similar situation I had stories like these to call – It took me three months to start forumla feeding and by six months my boobs were all mine again – I had milk supply, but we just couldn’ get that connection right – natural – yeah right! Anyway, thanks again – There should be more people out there celebrating the fact that we have managed to give birth to wonderful chidlren rather then how we choose (or made) to sustain them.
Allycats last blog post..Dante’s Inferno(s)
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I’m not sure you’re body failed you, so much as letting you know that something wasn’t working for you and the little bitty moosh! She looks like a gorgeous and healthy little girl now!
Megs last blog post..Raspberries!
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Look at all of these comments. Isn’t it a shame that first time mothers often go in thinking the baby just pops out and you stick it on your boob and all is well? So many women have problems, some of them big problems. I had the same situation as you – my body just never made any milk. I tried, I tried that ridiculous milking machine pump and took fenugreek until I smelled like a walking bottle of maple syrup. I had to stop. I grieved. And now, just like you, I have a BEAUTIFUL little kid who I adore, and who is healthy and happy. Thank you for sharing this with all of us!
Rachaels last blog post..Banana Mondays: A Tale of Three Heartbreaks
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i had four c-sections and tried to nurse all of my kids. out of the four only one of them could have been successful at it. the girls didn’t like the taste of the breast milk. i’m not kidding! they would get a taste and pull away and make a face. i pumped and put it in a bottle to see if it would make it easier and same thing! total rejection. one boy was tongue-tied which we didn’t discover until he was 4 months old…long after i had given up the 45 minute breast feedins and then giving him formula from a bottle with a nipple with a huge hole that the milk poured from. when we found out that he needed to have his tongue clipped the doctor asked if i breastfed. he said that there was no way he could have latched on with the way his tongue was. the one boy who could have done it didn’t get to because i was a little postpartum and having severe migraines. i opted to take the migraine meds so i could function and just bottle feed. all four have turned out beautifully. i say to each his own!
natalies last blog post..Cultural Differences
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My attempts at breast feeding lasted 5 days – I was producing milk but oh my god how my nipples hurt. They were cracked and chapped and bleeding and every time i sat down to nurse I would fall to pieces and cry and cry and cry at the pain of it. Then because I was trying to rush feeds the blonde kid was always hungry!!
I gave in and bottle fed – best choice I ever made – no more screaming baby, no more screaming mommy oh and how nice it was to be able to sleep!!!
Stephs last blog post..The boy next door.
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Last post you wrote about late-night nesting.
This post is about breastfeeding.
Are you trying to tell us something?
SciFi Dads last blog post..We Are Family
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Meh. My body fails me all the time. I’m no mother or anything, but I “forgive” you nevertheless. I don’t care if you didn’t nurse the moosh.
Camilles last blog post..Does This Playlist Make My Blog Look Fat?
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Failed Breastfeeders Unite!! I made it 6 weeks before my meager production became too lame for my baby. She was freaking starving, the poor thing. When I finally stopped, I never leaked or became engorged or anything. The only pain was my sore nipples and that guilty ache I had. Which went away eventually- especially after she finally gained some weight!!!
Had to laugh at the ‘Nursing will save society!’ line. Some people really act like that’s a fact. um… okay?
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OH man, that sums it up for me. My baby was almost 10 lbs. at birth, and she was hungry the minute she came out. My boobs just didn’t produce any milk. Like 1 oz every 3 hrs. So, like you, I nursed first, then bottle, then pump, then rinse and repeat. I was so exhausted and this went on for 7 weeks. Finally my husband had the sense to say “what are you doing to yourself?” “its ok to stop”. Huge sigh of relief. I don’t know why I had to let someone else tell me it was ok to stop.Can’t tell you how many people looked down their noses at me. My bottle fed kids are healthier than most of their friends. Take that lactation nazis.
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Some might say I have no right to speak on the subject (as a non-mommy), but I’m gonna.
I’m soooo sick of nursing mothers judging non-nursing mothers! Yes, I hope to be able to breast feed when I have children. But am I going to put myself through hell in order to do so? No, because it wouldn’t be good for myself or the baby.
I’ve had friends who’ve nursed exclusively for the first year of their baby’s lives. Good for them. But stop judging the moms who just are doing what’s best for their familes.
You made the right choice for you and your family. And obviously your little girl is healthy as can be. So poo to all those doctors and nurses and exclusive breast-feeding mommies. 🙂
Hollys last blog post..Busted
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I nursed AND bottle fed 3 out of my 4 kids (the boy just flat out refused bottles). Would I EVER tell another woman that she HAD to do one or the other? No. That’s not my place. Would I look down on someone who didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t nurse? No. That’s not my place. Everyone has to do what is best for them and their child. Anyone who thinks otherwise thinks too much of themself.
Kristins last blog post..Well bitching isn’t helpful
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You can only do your best! Once anything gets to be painful, or irritating it’s so not worth it!
erins last blog post..I am the Dancing Queen!
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i hate breastfeeding nazis.
i nursed my kids for as long as i my poor, sore, bleeding, purple nipples could handle. and i gave them bottles. and i gave them formula. and i got a lot of shit for it.
each mother needs to do what works for HER. to me it falls in the same place as the working vs sah moms. drives me nuts that there are so many JUDGERS out there.
alis last blog post..hi, i’m ali and i am an internet liar
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Nothing makes me more angry than medical personnel who treat all women the same. Not looking into your history, not paying attention to your weight loss, the fact that you had to ask these things and that the answers were always so flippant and condescending, ARRRRGGGGGH. It pisses me off so much. It’s scary, we just have to be our own advocates, and I get that, but a little support and guidance from the professionals would be nice, no?
The Moosh, breastfed or not, is beyond lucky to have you.
maggie, dammits last blog post..pfffffffffffffffft (the sound of my new poofy head leaking)*** UPDATED
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http://sweetsammigirl.blogspot.com/2008/06/breast-feeding-tone.html
The sad thing is ~ I blogged on this at 11 weeks preggers, I’m already getting the hairy eye again about whether we’ll breastfeed. It never once occured to me that the HG would contribute to that failure (nor did any of my bf advisors mention that “puking hourly for nine months may kill this ability”) I had one lactation nurse tell me that babies HATE the taste of formula. Seriously? I have yet to see a kid push the bottle away screaming because of the taste.
And I’m on Reglan for the HG (in a pump for continuous dosage) & I don’t have a history of severe depression ~ I can feel it taking its toll on me … it works but I’m depressed. Lovely.
Bellamommas last blog post..Who’s supposed to keep this straight?
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Oh Hun! I went through the exact same thing. I was given crap about it to. All that matters is that we did what is best for us and our babies. Mom’s need to quit picking on mom’s, its the worst!I have three children one was breastfed, one I tried and lasted a week, and one who never had a boob in her life, and the one who never had the boob is our healthiest.
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Yay for you!!!
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Good for you! I’ve definitly had a few nurses try to give me all theie opinions, one even asked me if I fed my son. It was finally discovered that I make milk, it just sucks. So my son became a formula fed little happy boy. You’re a great mom because you followed you instinct, which is to help the baby survive – you fed her.
On another note I laugh everytime I see a wunderbar as it makes me think of you.
Alanas last blog post..Ode to a Crappy Phone
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Have I told you that I love you?
I confess I am a boob nazi. Nursed both my babies until they were 18 months old. Great experience for me and I think for them too.
I have no room to look so much as sideways at anyone who is using the bottle. You respect your body, your baby better than anyone else and I will smite anyone else who says differently. Way to go for smiling and dancing the way you do. It sounds like a dark tunnel and I am so glad that you are back in the light!
Shannon Martinezs last blog post..Thank you To Mary
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The fact that people feel the need to critique other’s choices in life is arrogant and irritating. What is best for you is best for your baby. And that’s all that’s important.
Julias last blog post..Eiffel Tower
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You didn’t breastfeed and the moosh doesn’t have flippers where her hands should be? I don’t believe it.
😉
Jen Ms last blog post..Dirty Talk: Now With Extra Cupholders
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Man, do I ever empathize with your initial feelings of guilt and frustration over attempting to do what EVERYONE says is the right thing to do.
Thankfully, once I realized my baby girl was much more content with actually eating instead of the torment of trying to eat off of breasts that at their highest production created a combined 4 oz, I recognized that, as others have said here, there is no right or wrong way. You simply have to do what is best for both baby and mother.
Jennifers last blog post..Saving Mother Earth
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I think there are some LC’s out there who feel they have to compensate for the misinformation on breastfeeding that is out there. Oh, boy oh boy, is it out there still. Hugely.
Sometimes, sadly, they overcompensate and push when they really should just accept the mom’s decision and support her in that.
Given you lost weight instead of gained during pregnancy should have been a sign for them this was no ordinary bf’ing situation.
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..Dogs – The Next Great Marital Debate. This One Could Be The Death of Us
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I breastfed for 17 months. Exclusively since my little vampire refused to take a bottle, EVER. For me BFing was pretty easy but when I read stories like this I think…no I KNOW… I would have thrown in the towel way sooner then you did. The 4-month failed struggle to get her to take a bottle (she was at daycare at 15 weeks, so I really needed her to take a bottle) was intense enough. Add in things like chafing and bleeding and pain and it would be unbearable!
ikates last blog post..Bronze and Pottery, Lace and Linen
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I commend you for trying in the first place, especially when it proved so difficult. I can’t say for sure since I’m not even pregnant yet but I don’t plan on breastfeeding at all. I know some people take issue with it but what can you do?
Jens last blog post..The best kind of sunday…
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Nature has a reason for the way things turn out. If you couldn’t breast feed, there was a reason for it. Not everyone can and there are generations of babies out there that are just fine having been raised on formula. I saw that one commenter said she was ashamed that she couldn’t breast feed. You shouldn’t be ashamed and your body didn’t fail you. And anyone who tries to make you feel bad because you weren’t able to breast feed is just an ass. I’m so sick of people who feel that what’s good for them is right for everyone, even when it’s physically impossible for some.
Mary Beths last blog post..LIKE HAIRS THROUGH A COMB, SO GO THE STRANDS OF OUR LIVES
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I too, could not produce milk and amazingly enough he has survived and is quite healthy as well.
crookedeyebrows last blog post..The weekend is gonna sparkle like Diamonds…
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GREAT post. Thanks for sharing. My pediatrician had a great outlook on it…”Can I identify the children who’ve been breastfeed vs. bottlefed? Nope.” I admire anyone who breastfeeds. I did both at the same time (and WHOA! was I told by my BF friends I was making a mistake). Nipple confusion never happened. I made it more than 3 mos. with both kids this way…then thought this is WAY to complicated. I refused to call the LCs because I knew I was way-too fragile emotionally to handle whatever “constructive instruction” they would’ve given me. Good for you, girl, for putting your foot down.
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I breastfed my daughter with no problems. It was effortless and beautiful. When my son showed up, though, it was a whole different matter. His soft palette was really high so he would suck extra hard to fill the space. I produced plenty, he got fed just fine, but I was in pain for 9 months. I tried shells and everything to soothe my poor aching nipples but nothing worked for very long. I finally switched because my uber-nazi pediatrician threatened to take him away and feed him, never mind the adult sized bowls of baby cereal and three jars of baby food he ate at EVERY MEAL–some kids are just genetically skinny, people! She pushed formula so hard that I started supplementing just to get her off my back, then discovered that my breasts felt so much better with those rests. I’m a little sad I didn’t get to nurse him as long as I’d hoped, but that’s just how the chips fall, you know.
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I don’t have kids so I can’t really argue either way, but I can say I don’t get the public shame moms feel they can put on other moms. Seriously. What is right for one might not be right for another. How can people not see that? The whole debate is just ugly and wrong.
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To berate a woman over her feeding choices is simply deplorable. To me that’s akin to telling anyone who wasn’t nursed as an infant that they’re less intelligent. Does that man every child placed for adoption is stupid? We’re doing a disservice to women by eliminating one of the few important choices we get to make for our children and ourselves ALONE. I’m not even pregnant and my mom already harasses me about nursing. I actually intend to nurse but if it becomes as bad as it did for you, I will have no qualms about throwing in the towel.
Caseys last blog post..‘Twas A Busy Day
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You know what, good for you for trying and ho-boy did you go through the ringer.
I didn’t breastfeed either for a myriad of reasons and all of mine are healthy, smart and happy kids and I think that’s really what matters in the long run.
Why is it such a competition…it always bums me out that there is such a lack of “support” out there between mommy’s when it comes to the hot topics.
Britts last blog post..Ode to the Pink Sparkly Jelly Flip Flop
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Can I just tell you that I had an “ah-HAH!” moment as I read this? I had a similar problem….cracked, bleeding, PAIN, screaming everytime my daughter tried to nurse. I had HG too! I eventually did get some milk, and with the help of a “nipple shield” at first (my BEST friend throughout the experience), I was able to breast feed about 80% of the time until she was about 15 months. But it was PURE torture. I bet you’re right with HG causing it. I wish I would have known at the time; it would have saved me a lot of sleepless nights.
Nicoles last blog post..Ants in my pants
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Argh. Why are women so hard on each other. I too could not breast feed my kids and made myself sick trying (two bouts of mastitis). I wish the women who so passionately defend breastfeeding would understand that we all love our kids equally, bottle or not. That period of hormonal flux after giving birth is so fraught will self-doubt already, the last thing we need is another woman telling us we aren’t trying hard enough. Whew! Thanks for letting me get THAT load off my chest.
Robins last blog post..Car Naming
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I’m hoping that I’ll be able to breastfeed, but I’m also going to manage my expectations in case I can’t. It’s sad that women have to fear the wrath of the La Leche Mafia. Yikes.
nanettes last blog post..The sweet life
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The whole breast-feeding thing… it’s crazy what we women do to each other. I didn’t really want to breast-feed but gave it a try (you know, for all the “right” reasons). Maybe I didn’t try hard enough, but it didn’t work well for us. Although now that I think about it, I had just lost my mom and my dad was on life support when I gave birth — I suppose stress could have played a part in this, but who knows.
Anyway, I pumped for about 2 months and it was awful. I think at least half of my waking hours I was hooked up to that torture machine and I never really had much to give, if you know what I mean. Plus the blisters and the bleeding. AWFUL!!
Not sure what I’ll do if we ever have another baby… One thing is for sure, I WON’T be seeing the lactation specialist. The first one I saw was nuts (NUTS!) and the other two just weren’t very helpful. Just what an exhausted, stressed-out, first-time-mom needs!
Kets last blog post..Damn spoons
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You literally had nothing left. What else were you going to do??
GOOD FOR YOU!! for taking care of YOURSELF — that’s what makes a good mom.
Just sayin’. 😀
VDogs last blog post..Weekly Winners ~ Last Week of July
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I went through this exact thing with my first (now 5) and, up until 3 weeks ago, again with my second (now 8 weeks). I lasted 11 weeks of this torture with my first and only 5 with my second (and I had a c-section recovery to deal with with the second).
I don’t know who I was kidding, that it would work out better this time. I did not have HG during either of my pregnancies, but I only gained 15 pounds with both of them – all of which was lost the second the babies were on the outside.
When I finally gave up with my second, my blood pressure was 160/120. I’m convinced that my body said that it would provide for someone it was forced to while it was on the inside, but once they were out they were on their own.
I’m still guilty about not being able to do it for either of my boys, but at least they’re not starving. My first has only been on antibiotics 3 times in his life and is as smart as can be.
Good for you for listening to your body and your baby.
I was adopted, so formula was my only option when I was a baby – granted, I’m not the healthiest person in the world, but I don’t have allergies and I’ve got a really high IQ (just imagine what it could’ve been…).
To those who say breastmilk is best, that may be so. But, formula is better than nothing and genes must have something to do with it – right?
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Who is giving you grief? Screw ’em.
Amy in Ohios last blog post..Obama in Ohio, meet Amy in Ohio
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If only I had read something like this 2 years, 2 months and 3 days ago. Perhaps I would have laughed instead of yelling “I’M A TERRIBLE MOM” to my husband while tears fell upon a mega breast pump. A pump, which was rented to me by a mean nipple nazi who told me I might as well not try because women who have had breast reductions can’t produce milk for more than a month. Oh, but she was a step up from the nipple nazi at the hospital who told me to stop touching my child as she man-handled my breasts with her cracked, disgusting, fat fingers. Issues…nah, I don’t have any issues.
Annas last blog post..Weekends You Can Believe In
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I nursed both of my boys but only for a short time. With the size of my chest you would have thought I could feed a small village but nope they are just for show.
I got a lot of grief from a couple of mom’s that belonged to a expecting club I was a part of. They sent the nastiest emails saying that my child would not be as smart as their’s because I did not BF. They also said my child would have all sorts of allergies because I did not BF. Shocking enough one of their kids is the one with the boatload of allergies while both of my kids are healthy and allergy free.
Jesss last blog post..It’s Just Another Manic Monday
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Ugh, I can’t imagine anyone thinking it’s a good idea to keep trying through chapped and bleeding nipples. Every time a mother tells me that part, I’m soooo against breastfeeding. Why torture yourself?
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People and their convictions. Go figure.
Breastfeeding is great when it works, and hell when it doesn’t. It’s supposed to be so “natural” and healthy. I breastfed both of mine, and that was great. But if I couldn’t have I would have bottle fed them, and then I would have created a giant breast pump out of wood, placed it in the front yard of the nearest La Leche group and set fire to it. Because those people are f’ed up.
I’m sorry it didn’t work for you. You know you made the right choice for your family and that’s all that matters.
Candys last blog post..Checking Up On The Girls
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I tried to breast feed as well. I had the means; colostrum was coming out. I nursed her when she first came out. But then I got sick. I started bleeding. I lost a lot of blood. So much that I had to be rushed to emergency surgery to stop the bleeding. I needed 4 units of blood and 4 units of plasma. Thank God for blood donors. But after that whole ordeal, I was too tired to nurse. I tried again but she was a hungry little critter and would get so upset that nothing came out as quickly as that enfamil bottle. I was still really weak but I continued to pump for 2 weeks at home. And then, I quit. It was so easy. I too felt guilty. Now I don’t. I needed to heal myself if I wanted to be able to take care of Mary properly. I would have loved that bonding experience but its also great to share the responsibility of feeding her. Maybe the next one, maybe not.
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I’m a huge breastfeeding supporter and I think it’s wonderful. I breastfed both my boys for two years each. Crazy, I know.
HOWEVER, I totally believe that each mom has to do what works for her unique situation.
It sounds like you gave it a try but you’re poor body was plumb worn out. I feel for ya, I really do. It’s stressful enough to have a little baby plus freaking out because your boobs aren’t producing. ugh.
Great post. She turned out great. hehe
Rheas last blog post..Saucy Chef
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I breastfed my daughter exclusively for almost six months. I wanted to make it to a year but it just got to be too much what with the working full time and the pumping three times a day at the office. I stopped entirely around nine months when she started biting. That was it for me and I don’t know if I’d nurse again if I had another one (which I’m not).
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First… sounds like you gave it your all, and you had some circumstance preceding this that should have been considered.
Second..I dislike that some people are adamant that people shouldn’t nurse, as the ones who adamant everyone should. While I loved nursing, that doesn’t mean it is for everyone.
Lastly.. don’t worry about your haters, you can’t please everyone.
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I almost lost my fucking mind trying to nurse my daughter. She would not latch on. I worked with five lactation consultants, one of whom said, “it must break your heart to have your baby reject you like that.” Oh.my.god.
Finally, one LC after getting my daughter to latch on for over 45 minutes told me that it wasn’t going to happen for me. And it didn’t. And we’re both fine, except when I remember the comment that the first LC made.
Motherhood is hard enough without us guilt tripping each other. Hang in there. (Not in reference to your breasts)
Marinkas last blog post..Allow Me
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